Dealing with anxiety and marriage issues? (sorry long again)

So I've had this epiphany over the last week that I am having definite massive anxiety surrounding my marriage. My husband and I have been together since we were teenagers and we are now in our mid thirties. Things haven't been perfect for us but they've been pretty darn close.

Over the last year or so I felt like my husband was acting moody and distant sometimes. It made me very nervous because I grew up in abusive homes where I had to walk on eggshells wondering if someone was going to explode any moment. My husband was never and has never been abusive but still his little bit of moodiness seemed strange and made me nervous. I asked him if anything was wrong and if he was happy. He said other than our money problems he was happy and nothing was wrong. So basically I just felt like it was all in my head. The thing was I never really could convince myself of that.

Fast forward to the last few months. My husband took up running about two years ago when he got checkup showing that he needed to change somethings to stay healthy. I am very overweight (was thin when we met but was overweight before we married) and his running made me feel a bit threatened but mostly proud of him. Well then he started going to the gym in the last maybe half a year and lifting weights as well. He'd be gone two hours even three one evening. We have three children and since we both work (sometimes opposite shifts) time together is at a premium. I began to worry about why he was working out so much and who he was trying to impress. In fact I wondered if that's what he was doing at all. I began to think that he must think I'm a fat disgusting lazy pig even though he never acted that way in our entire lives.

Well in the last couple of months there have just been things to me that don't seem to be adding up. He's a cop so he obviously just doesn't get off of work at an exact time everyday. He has a female officer that works at his small department and she goes out of her way to flirt with all of the married officers. I've worried that he has something going on with her even though a big part of me doesn't think he does. My husband would be the man people would think most likely to never cheat. He's one of those people that are almost so perfect it's annoying. He's been a fantastic husband and father. He's NEVER treated me poorly about my weight, he's always told me I'm beautiful.

However lately things just seem weird. I spoke to my best friend since childhood about it because she's known him as long as me and she said all the things I told her didn't sound like him and she hated to say it but felt like maybe something was going on. I was relieved to hear her say this because I was thinking maybe I was just insane. So I confronted my husband and asked him if he was cheating or wanting to or just not happy. He said no to all of this. I should mention I asked him this a couple of months prior and he denied anything then as well.

I told him I couldn't live this way anymore and he said he couldn't live that way either being accused of things and not being trusted. He swore nothing was going on and that he wanted to be together. I want to believe him but in my gut something doesn't sit right. What I'm wondering is if this is from the anxiety? I truly didn't realize that I was this upset about my marriage until this past week. In retrospect it's ridiculous that I've let this fester and didn't see it sooner but it is what it is.

We have talked about going to marriage counseling but I can't really afford it right now with me starting therapy at Mayo soon. I'm to the point where I find myself constantly wondering what he's doing. Like he goes into the bedroom or bathroom alone and I'm worried he's texting someone. Or last night one of us needed to run to the gas station and I didn't want him to go. Remember he has given me no concrete evidence to think anything is going on other than feelings. Yes there have been things that are out of character for him and I'm not ignoring those things. And I really think that normally we should trust our gut. We've been together 17 years and being together that long you know someone and recognize when they are acting different.

Still I'm not sure if I'm just sort of hypersensitive because of the anxiety right now? It's like what came first the chicken or the egg? Did this worry that was festering below the surface about my marriage cause this anxiety? Or is this anxiety causing me to magnify things that aren't really big issues? I don't feel like I can trust myself or my husband at this point.

I need to get to a point that I'm okay no matter what happens. I come from abusive past with massive abandonment issues. It's taken me years to trust and all the sudden I'm scared to death that I'm losing my husband and the life I've worked so hard to build.

I apologize for this rambling mess. I'm just so very confused. It's really hard when you don't feel like you can trust in your own feelings. Thanks for listening.

TooMuch- THANK YOU! All of your information was wonderful but the last advice you gave I think will be a game changer for me. For the last few months I've tried to convey to my husband that I'm not blaming him just telling him how I feel. I couldn't understand how he felt attacked when that wasn't my intention. I can see now with your last bit of advice how and why he was feeling that way.

You are correct that I am not happy with myself, I never have been. What I want to do and have to do now is to just get to a place where I can be okay no matter what happens. Since I met my husband so young it is truly terrifying to imagine my life without him. I was involved with drugs and alcohol and stuck in a terrible place in my life until I met him. I think deep down I'm afraid that he "saved" me and that I cannot take credit for that. I've never financially been independent either which scares me as well. Then there's the fact that I don't know how I would bear being left again. The truth is I know I would be okay, I would make it somehow.

The start of this anxiety about a month ago was just this culmination of me feeling like I'd lost my place in life. I had been a stay home mom for many years and worked part time for the last five. All of the sudden my oldest started junior high and my youngest started Kindergarten. I was suddenly at home alone during the day wondering what the hell I was going to do with my life and thinking about all the time that had passed and all the regrets I had. Then I had decided to go back to school (online right now because the campus is quite a drive) and it scared me to the core. I felt like I couldn't handle it. I had also had a falling out with my best friend from childhood whom I'd always talked to on the phone every day of my life. Suddenly she was gone. Then I felt like I didn't know what was happening in my marriage.

So here I am today. I feel like everything is being pulled out from under me. I feel like all these years have passed with me being a wife and a mother and I still don't know who I am. I'm sitting here realizing I don't have my own identity. I'm to the point where it's hit me that I have to do something about me. I'm the only one I can always count on. I have to live in my own head and heart so I have to be okay with that. No matter what happens with my kids growing up and moving out or my marriage lasting or not.....I have to be okay with me. I'm not sure how I'm going to get to that point but I've got to try. I've got to believe that I've gotten this far so I must have some strength in me that actually comes from me and that I can be counted on. It's going to be a long road but I figure at least being aware is a great step.

BB,

I am so sorry to hear of your situation currently that is causing you confusion and worry.:( My heart reaches out to yours...

I had a trust issue in my marriage a few years ago. This is NOT to say that you do...but I say this to let you know that yes, anxiety can exacerbate the negative feelings, and impact how we perceive things.

Therefore, it is great that you are starting treatment soon. You can talk about all and anything with your therapist, and it will feel pretty amazing.:)

Lowering your overall anxiety levels may help you to see things in a new and postive light!

That is not to say that this is all a manifestation of your anxiety. You have noted and felt a shift in the dynamic of your relationship...so you will want to be aware of what is going on in your marriage, and pro-actively work to keep it strong...and the lines of communication open!

I wish you much peace and pray that all of the steps that you are taking will be in the right direection, at the right time...and that much progress will be made for your well being!

Know that we are cheering you on.:)

S.C.

Happy to hear all of those $60 counseling sessions I went to are helping you out too! Never thought of that part of the investment. :) I had only thought how it might benefit my current circumstances, and it never quite seemed reasonable to pay so much! Haha. Now I am thinking on the investment in a WHOLE NEW WAY! :P

Anyway, glad that offered a little insight to ya. Things will all be ok. They might be messy for a little while, but they will be ok.
:)

Thank you ducktape!