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Posted 10/14/2014 12:41 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there. I joined this forum because I really don't want anyone around me to know I am struggling as much as I am but I need some advice I guess.

I have been in therapy for almost 2 years now with a wonderful therapist. Before that, I had been in and out of hospitals for a year and a half and finally attempted *self harm* in April 2013 just after meeting this therapist. I have gotten to a pretty stable place, I went back to school and I am in my senior year getting my BSW while working part time. I thought I was doing ok but I hadn't really talked to my therapist about what I knew was bothering me. I wanted to disclose the trauma that had been weighing on me but I really was nervous she would think differently of me or send me to a new doctor (all irrational I know). Anyways, last week I told her what I had been hiding. First time I told anyone. She was very supportive and is doing multiple phone check-ins with me during the week until the next appointment. But I am a nervous wreck. I can't sleep, I am almost hallucinating things like hearing people in the house when no one is home, feeling someone on top/breathing on me in the dark when nothing is there. I can't sleep. I have these terrible waves of painful nausea 24/7 which is making it almost impossible to eat anything. I feel depressed like I don't want to talk to anyone at all or do anything. My mind is racing in a thousand directions and I forgot what I am doing. I've had some S.I. thoughts but no actions.

Is this normal to feel this bad after talking in therapy? I feel like I am almost just as bad as when I was in and out of hospitals and I am really worried I am heading back there again if I can't pull it together. I am worried about letting my therapist know how bad I am feeling, I don't want her to think we are starting at square one again. Any feedback would be much appreciated.

Post Edited By Moderator (Scaredy Cat) : 10/14/2014 9:14:58 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/14/2014 12:53 PM (GMT 0)
I think you should call your therapist and ask her if you can please come in and see her today, that you need to see her in person, ASAP. Go in, and tell her everything you are feeling.

If she feels you are starting over at square one, THAT'S OK; she is a professional therapist and has been thru this type of thing a million times w other clients. Your first priority should NOT be what the therapist thinks of you/ how she sees you: She is there to HELP YOU - not to judge you!!!!! All that matters is you getting the help and treatment and care that you need. She can't help you unless you are honest and open with her and tell her what you are experiencing......
Posted 10/14/2014 12:56 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, Phoenix:
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. I believe it is normal to feel this eay after therapy, you see, disclosing something so painful that you've been hiding is supposed to unciver a lot of feelings you have also kept hiding. But don't be afraid of such feelings, they need to come out in order for you to start feeling better. It is so good that you have found a therapist that you trust enough to do so and that you're getting the help you need. I think, from what you're telling us, that you are now, truly, on the way to recovery.

Keep it up!
Posted 10/14/2014 1:02 PM (GMT 0)
Yes I agree, all those very distressing reactions you described, at least they are outward manifestations, which is a step in the right direction away from holding everything in, which is the worst thing u can do. Just the way it's all coming out is I'm sure freaking you out, very badly. So, you do need to see your therapist and tell her what's going on, but yes, I do think so too that its normal to have a pretty severe reaction to disclosing a trauma for the first time, part of the healing process.
Posted 10/14/2014 2:13 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for your replies. I can't see my doctor today because she is a resident and has a different residency the other 4 days a week. But she said she was going to call me today to check in with me. I feel like this is all very surreal. Like now someone else knows what I think/worry about all the time and I can't keep it hidden. Makes me feel sick :(
Posted 10/14/2014 3:20 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Phoenixx and welcome.

I am so sorry to hear of your struggles and challenges. Past traumas and hurts and a heavy load to bear in many ways...and you are starting to scratch the suface and get into a place of healing. For that I commend your bravery...and send you many positive thoughts and prayers for your recovery.

You have taken a step that may feel like you have gone into a free fall. However, you are stronger than ever before for doing so.

I encourage you to follow all of your doctor's advice, and to be open and honest in ALL thoughts, feelings/compulsions that you may be having...no matter how fleeting.

Also, do you have a family member or friend who can be there for you right away if you feel you are in crisis? If not, please get an ICE contact ASAP!

Let us know how you are doing soon, won't you? I do hope that you can talk with your P-doc today, and get some guidance for feeling your best at the moment.

We do care and understand how anxiety can be such a challenge...but support is key, so post with us anytime.

Scaredy Cat
Posted 10/14/2014 3:31 PM (GMT 0)
I agree with everything that has been said. Kudos to you for opening up and telling your therapist what you had been hiding. Such a hard thing to do! Now that you're opened up and told someone, all those feelings about what happened are going to start servicing. Now it's time to be honest with your therapist about all feelings as well. This is a great place to get support! You will be in my thoughts and prayers today.
Posted 10/14/2014 4:52 PM (GMT 0)
One time I went thu something kinda similar..... I went for treatment for something really embarrassing, something I would normally NEVER feel like talking about out loud, to anyone.......

I blurted out to the healer that I was so embarrassed (I was actually crying a little bit, bec I was so embarrassed), and he just very matter-of-factly replied, "There's nothing to be embarrassed about - its just...... LIFE." Meaning that we all have stuff, baggage, traumas, weird symptoms, etc, and it is our challenge in life to face them and grow from them and overcome them..... From that moment, I saw my problems differently. This heavy, painful, scary, overwhelming stuff really is just, as he said, LIFE.......

So, don't feel like you have to hide it, whatever it is...... We should all be careful who we share very personal things with, of course, BUT, a therapist is the first person you can confide in. Remember, she is not there to judge you, she is there to help you heal. And, she has prob seen/heard very similar or maybe worse stuff from other patients over the years.

I thought I had some very wierd things about me, extremely strange...... but just last year, I was reading a book on psychology, and it described my EXACT way of thinking (that I thought was so odd and abnormal) and said this is often what happens when a girl grows up without a father. Totally normal reaction. I felt so much better, reading that. So, whatever your thoughts and worries, they are prob a TOTALLY NORMAL and EXPECTED response to whatever you went thru.....!! Don't feel wierd that somebody knows! Feel relieved that you finally unburdened yourself. Ask the therapist why you have those thoughts & worries, if she doesn't explain for u on her own.

I hope u feel better!
Posted 10/14/2014 5:51 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Phoenix and welcome!

I just wanted to share something personal with you (that I started out only sharing within the safety of this forum too). I also hid information from my therapist....that I was sexually/physically/emotionally abused as a child by my "mother."

I'm 51 and have hid that from the world until just a short while ago. So I know how hard it is to 'come out' with private information and worry about the aftermath.

For me, yes....when I made that big, huge, first step in working on what I've been suppressing, yes, yes, and YES! Things got exceptionally worse in the beginning. And I absolutely *know* what you're talking about with re: to the "hallucinations."

I want to let you know that you're not alone....





M.
Posted 10/15/2014 12:22 AM (GMT 0)
When you let things out that you have suppressed for a long time, it's common to have anxiety afterwards. I was told that by my therapist many years ago. Today I divulged some of those feelings to two of my three sons for the first time and afterwards I felt extremely anxious too. But after awhile it subsided and now I'm glad I got it all out....it gives one a great sense of relief and peace.
Posted 10/16/2014 12:42 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you all for everything.

Normally I have a friend I can tell when I am not feeling ok... but last night we had to take her to the ER because she had some eating issues and S.I. thoughts so I am definitely not going to put that on her until she is feeling safe and out of the woods.

Merrida, that's pretty much the same abuse issue that I am talking about... I felt like if I didn't talk about it with this therapist that I may never bring it up again.
Posted 10/16/2014 2:55 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Phoenix,

Thoughts and prayers for you and your friend!!!! I do hope that she gets the help that she needs.

...and for you, postive thoughts as you continue on your healing journey.

We will keep supporting you as long as you need peers who understand. We are here to care and listen anytime...keep posting.

S.C.
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