First Official BC Freak-Out Since Dx

I was dx'd with BC a year ago. I actually dealt with it pretty okay. Better than I would have expected. Finished up all my treatments, had my 3 and 6 month f/u's and did fine. Not particularly worse for the wear.

In two weeks I have my official one year anniversary follow up, mammogram,....and well, I guess we'll see where I'm at. This is my FIRST real f/u, as in the big one. I know in general they say five years of clear/negative readings, and your survival odds increase.

I just melted down. I saw my plastic surgeon this morning. (I had non-cancerous tissue removed from both breasts, my own choice, prophylactically). He told me that I have what's essentially empty bags (for breasts) and what he wants to do for reconstruction (while he does it all the time) just freaks me out. It's too aggressive (for me, at least for now, for where my head is at now). So that was a blow out.

Then I just got home from PT. I haven't been to PT in about 3 weeks because of that stupid cold thingie my Husband gifted me with (thankyouverymuch). And I had a terrific, awesome and wonderful workout. The best! (Also the last one officially on my insurance, so now I'm cash-pay).

We did this maneuver where I have to lay down on my stomach (we've been doing it for the past few months, as I've only been able to lay on my stomach for about 3 months give or take, because of my back problems and also because of my breasts). So, that wasn't new in particular.

Then I get out to my car, happy as a lark, flying high as a kite from adrenaline coursing through me,....get into the drivers seat and start to freak. My vision gets all blurry, my breast hurts (more than usual), the arm pit pain is jacked up, my nerves feel shot, I'm trembling,....

This came out of nowhere. I know, and have known, about my one year follow up for a while now. It's been on my calendar. This isn't NEW news or anything. I don't know what happened. Just wham. Sitting in the car....I couldn't even drive home right away.

I needed to text a friend and have her talk me down so I could start breathing normal again and stop letting my mind run away. I didn't feel safe driving. I haven't had a full-scale attack like that in a long time, and this is the FIRST one I've had due to, or related to, the BC. Caught me very off guard.

She pulled me through it, and I made it home, and luckily Hubby got home early today (very rare). I'm calmer but yes, yes, I'm going to take my Xanax.

I know lately it seems like it's been a roller coaster of my being a drama-queen of late. It blows. It's total horse pucky and I know it. I just never intended *part* of this fall out to impact HW....I'm still sort of out of it, so here's Merrida again saying to all of you,..."Thank you for bearing with me." I'm in a strained place right now, and probably will be hyper-reactive for the next 2 weeks until I get my mammo and find out what's what.....

Bah. Donkey butts.....





M.

Sending you big hugs, much love and support!!!

You have permission to do or feel whatever needs be- no need for apologizing. What we will hold you accountable for is taking care of you! The fact that this was your first panic attack since BC dx & treatment is a miracle in and of itself. It's just a blip girl. It stinks but really if you think about it, it's kind of an appropriate response considering you're a cpl weeks away from the checkup. If you didn't have a bit of anxiety, I'd think your meds might be numbing you & suggest you talk to your doc about your dosage

I'm sorry it happened but you are a fighter & 'ain't no panic attack gonna keep Merridia down!

Sending love!
Lisa

Agreed...

Thus is an expected and normal reaction.

My dad always gets nervous before a tumor marker or PSA test. (He is a colon and prostate cancer survivor)...

...and he is the least anxious person I know...

...so take someone who already deals with anxiety...and it's not hard to see where the attack came from!!

You are doing amazingly well. Your test is going to be a big step...but one towards healing and putting these fears behind you.;)

We are here for you.

S.C.

I want you guys to know that you really *are* my support team. When I talk in therapy and he mentions "support team," .....you guys come up! I'm the farthest thing from a social butterfly....more like a butterfly in quasi-permanent hibernation?? I'm just very solitary and I am not one to go out and make friends. It's not natural to me.

But when I *do* make a friend (and yes, that includes you guys), I find that I am fiercely loyal.

So it's you guys, all of you, who have been helping me through this journey. I was a member on HW before I even got dx'd....so I guess I at least had a head start.

Today, while no meltdown (yesterday scared the pants off me!)...I find myself seriously distracted, garbled, and all over the place. Like things just aren't connecting for me or making sense. I know as well as every one of you here,....our journey, whatever that may be,...is one day at a time. One moment at a time....

((sigh))





M.

M-

The fact that this is your first official freak out, makes you tough as nails and inspiring. My step-dad had non-hodgkins lymphoma and I was so sick I can hardly explain it, but that was almost ten years ago now! Yay for all of you who kick cancer in the tail!!!

Seriously though, you are so tough and your attitude is such a motivation to me.

Hugs!

I'm thinking you needed that breakdown. Everything you have been going through lately and you have been strong. I have had a panic attack with less stress than you are going through. All I can do is send my thoughts and prayers to you. I'm glad you got through it. You have handled and dealt with more than a person should have to. Wishing you well Merrida.

Hi M

Sorry to hear you are going through this at the moment and your not being a drama queen so do keep posting and keep us updated so we can support you through this tough time.

Take care

Hibee