Anyone else have anxiety because of adult child who is disrespectful?

Hey Hazel,

I can relate to this. My son is only 14, but is very hurtful in the way he treats me. I am partially to blame for this, as I had him when I was 17 and so he didn't receive the best upbringing. His father was also not a part of his life for many many years and so he received no positive male role models in his life for quite a while.

Anyway, I have had to learn to relate with him in such a way that I do not end up being completely hurt every time we chat. So I tend to use a lot of humor with him. He is a very sarcastic kid and somehow he responds much better when I use sarcasm. I'm not good at sarcasm, so I have to work hard at it! LOL.

I also tell him when my feelings are hurt by his actions and words. Not to punish him, but just so he knows that what he says is hurtful. And then I pray for him often. I pray that God would change his heart not only so that he will be more caring towards me and his other family members, but also so that he will find eternal salvation. And finally I also do my to accept that he is who he is, and I try to accept him unconditionally.

Those are just ways that I have found work with my current situation. It's hard because we can't change another person's heart, but you do not deserve to be treated poorly either. Can you maybe let your son know, in the nicest way possible, that when you text him, you would really appreciate it if he would try to text back. He may just be very busy. I forget to text a LOT of people back---not because I am trying to hurt them or don't care, it's because I am so busy that I forget to!

I really hope you can get through this, but it's great that he sent you a sweet Thanksgiving message! I think that shows you that he does care! :D Best wishes to you!

HN.,

As you know...been there, done that myself (we've talked about this before!)

...but I'll just remind you that things do get better with time. Twenty one is still young...especially for a male.

My oldest and I were still getting into it at that age. We are besties now.:) Well, as bestie as mother and daughter can be. I will always be her mom first, friend second!

As much as I love her and do enjoy our friendship...I am also careful to not depend on it as I would a regular friendship...because she needs me to be mom first and foremost, no matter what her age!

One thing that helped me was a piece of advice my sister gave me. She told me to never take anything that my kids did or said personally.

I thought...how the heck am I supposed to do that? They are my flesh and blood that I've poured my heart and soul into!!

...but I decided to make this a mantra...

"Don't take it personally...don't take it personally...DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!!!"

...yes, that last one is me screaming at myself! ;p

Well, lo and behold...it worked and she was right...as big sisters annoyingly tend to be, lol!

Speak up when you need to of course...rudeness is not something to tolerate and you can certainly speak your mind...but as for guarding your heart? Remember the mantra!

Hugs,

S.C.

I have been dealing with that also Merrida. all the stress I'm under I was driving home and felt like I had to cough 3 or 4 times just glad it didn't turn into one of the episodes I get. they fixed my car yesterday and now its making it even louder noise I'm so sick of getting rides from people and dealing with crap. Blah!

Hello! My son is still too young, 2 years old actually, so I have not experienced what you had. What I want to share is about my relationship with my father.

I was disrespectful to him because I blamed him for leaving me with my grandma and not supporting my needs when he separated from my mom. When my grandma died, my father had no choice but to get me and made me stay with him and my 3 brothers. I thought living with them would be good for me but it did not turn out that way. I may have a roof over my head and food to warm my belly but I was submitted to the emotional torture of seeing my father favor my older brother more than us. My brother was always out having fun and came home just to sleep and eat while the rest of us were doing household chores or helping our father with his food business. But my father did not see any fault on my brother's attitude and I could hear him talking to my brother as if he is still a kid.

The resentment increased through the years. When I graduated from college and got a stable job, my older brother went on with his irresponsible ways and left me to support my father and my two younger brothers. I was annoyed everytime he came to visit our father because he did not give our father anything yet the treatment was still the same. My resentment made me talk back to my father in a disrespectful way. I find fault in everything that he did, his questions, his comments. We used to bicker a lot.

He stayed with me even when I got married. There were times that I just ignored him even when he talked to me. I was always impatient with him and chose to spend family vacation with my in-laws without him because I was ashamed with his behavior. When my marriage was falling apart, I also blamed him and my older brother for leaving a huge responsibility that forced me to marry my husband just to improve our financial condition. I knew now that I was unfair then.

Now that I was divorced and living with a new partner I realized that I have to patch things up with my father before it will be too late to do so. He's already 70 years old and diabetic. He's living with my older brother but he was treated like he is burden to him. I've already talked to my father and invited him to stay with me next year and he agreed.

What I am saying here is that, sometimes you cannot force your child to treat you well if he's hurting. As time goes by and the hurt will fade then he will be the first one to reach out to you. All you can do for now is understand him and pray that he will realize his mistake soon. I know it hurts but it will not hurt as much when you start accepting his behavior.

Hope it helps.

Thank you, Elvie, for your painfully HONEST post, and telling your story just the way it was...without making any excuses. I am really proud of you...and also proud of the way you are handling things. You are really and truly a heart-based person... thank you for what has got to be an inspiration for many.
Love, Bettsann

These are some comforting posts I've been reading, even though I know these situations are so difficult for each of us I have two sons in their forties but I also have a 23 year old that I raised by myself when the horrific relationship i had with his dad finally ended after five years (I actually ran away from a very abusive situation). So I have basically raised Wes by myself since he was five, gone through all the rigors of his emotional instability resulting from that relationship and he's turned into a wonderful, positive (usually), hard working man. We have always had a very close relationship up until now. Recenty, he has come home to live with me (temporarily) after completing college and volunteering for Americorps for nine months and doesnt really know what he wants to do with his life yet. He works as a substitute teacher and likes it so far, has a million friends from high school days that he's still close with and who adore him, but still not sure what he wants to do for his life's work. He had a VERY destructive relationship with a woman he met in Americorps who eventually dumped him and seemed to change his attitude on so many things about life and now he's taking those new "attitudes" out on me alot of the time. He HATES me to ask him questions, make suggestions, comment on his relationships with women (he always picks the wrong kind that he does so much for and they don't appreciate it) and he still can't get over this woman who dumped him and swears that she had some GOOD influences on his life even though he recognizes her failings. and some of the negative affects she had on him. He's much more pessimistic than ever and so far doesn't like all the constraints "society' puts on all of us and sometimes says he just wants to walk across the U.S and Europe and fend for himself. I know alot of this comes from that woman who called herself a "free spirit" but I know all that meant was she was selfish and cared more about her needs than anyone elses but he found much validity in her way of thinking and the fact that he still cares for her so much makes him stick with those new beliefs. Sometimes I try to talk to him about all this stuff and sometimes he's receptive...other times he just loses it and yells at me for not understanding or for suggesting things to make his life better and tells me to just "shut up"...he doesn't want to hear it. He NEVER used to talk to me that way... I try to "not take it personally" but it's very difficult...I'm an older parent now and I miss the close relationship we used to have but realize I have to just let him find his own way. It just hurts alot when our kids seem to "turn on us" all of a sudden. He'll say things like "maybe I'm screwed up because I never had a father figure" even tho he KNOWS had he lived with his father's influence (drugs, violence, no motivation) he would have been in a far worse place now. (He visited with his father during supervised visits growing up and then met with him a few times around age 20 and even said himself that they have nothing in common). But it does hurt to hear all this because I know it's never the ideal situation just living with one parent. However, having said all this, I KNOW Wes loves me but there are some resentments there too and even tho I know most of his current unhappiness rests within himself, he seems to want to take it out on me. Yes, I guess I miss my little boy who was so close to me...it's just hard to watch them grow up, and sometimes feel like you've lost them.

My adult handicapped son whom I care for treats everyone nice except me and his dad who he curses at and trys to hit or bite us. It really upsets me and causes great anxiety.