anxious-preoccupied; just wanna talk about it

I have finally been able to seek out therapy (the intake worker and I really clicked and she is now taking me on personally in therapy sessions).

My wife and I were separated for about a month between the end of September and beginning of November. One reason the relationship took a fall, was caused by my absenteeism after my wife became incredibly depressed. She had also been recently diagnosed with being bipolar and my life was thrown around for a loop. I had never experienced panic attacks previously, but the thought of being alone and having to "share" our daughter, not seeing her all the time, it really destroyed me.

Through all of this, I made a conscious decision to better myself. I started working out, taking walks and trying to keep a positive outlook on life, during our separation. I lost 20lbs and changed my bad habits to good ones.

It eventually became a little easier to recognize that I was going to be alone at my age. I have always had a knack for writing, so I did a lot of that. Since my wife is BP, I spent hours (and still do) researching how to work with a BP spouse/ex-spouse, since I was so ignorant to the facts before and that I would still need to work with her during the separation.

After about a month, my wife came back and decided to try and work things through. She has been in therapy and is currently working through with her pdoc to find the right BP "cocktail".

I, on the other hand, was ecstatic. To be given another chance after all of this. She had a non-sexual affair with another man which also led to the separation, and I thought I had forgiven her. Actually, I know I did.

It has been almost 2 months since we've been working through things, and she finally cut all communication with this other man. I thought this would help me, but it seems now that my anxiety is back and causing me much worse symptoms.

I spoke with my therapist yesterday and although we didn't get very far into building up new strategies for me to work with, she recognized that I could be leading myself to a codependency on my wife and that some of my symptoms (i.e. low libido, anxiety, the "need" to find someone else) is probably linked to the fact that I have an anxious-preoccupied type of attachment. It is incredibly hard for me to accept this, but the signs are everywhere after reading up on it.

She had me make sure to speak with my wife and discuss my "needs" in the relationship, and I did. It seemed to worsen the situation, as a big concern of mine is lack of intimacy. Her libido is quite low, almost non-existent, and I have always been a very intimate person. The act of love is one of the main things that helps me be calm, and now that we rarely do, I find it hard to find any value and self-worth. Another sign that I am taking on the symptoms of my wife.

If my wife would not be BP, and if infidelity had not been in the mix, I keep wondering how this would have turned out and whether or not I would have started exhibiting these symptoms. Last night, after going to bed together, she fell fast asleep and once again I just lay there. The "voice" in my head just constantly filling my mind with ideas that she was going to be leaving me again, that she would resent me for expressing my needs, that she should communicate with this man again and start another affair.

I know logically and rationally that it's the anxiety, but I can't help it. I don't currently take any medication, but my doctor had given me 30 pills of Lorazepam toward the beginning of all of this, and about 75 days later I still had over 20 pills. As of this week, I now have less than 15 pills and I started to see the trend of being addicted to these things. I can't sleep without them. I have made an appointment with my doctor for next tuesday because I am noticing the signs of addiction kick in (I've had issues in the past; alcohol and drugs in my youth, videogames as an adult)

Last night was the tipping point for REALLY wanting help, as I found myself with major chest pains. It started in my sternum, almost like acid reflux. I thought it was just that, but then my throat started to tighten up, I found myself having a hard time breathing and started to feel "sick", almost as if I had food poisoning.

I started to "fear" that I would have a heart attack, tried to wake my wife up but her medication knocks her out and I was left alone.

I finally took the medication, this time cutting the pill in half because my first thought was to triple the dosage....at 12am and I have to be up before 7am.

I am reading through the self-help guides listed and pinned here and it is helping a bit, but I was wondering if any of you had specific coping mechanisms I could use at night to help me. Aside from writing, working out and taking walks, what other venues do some of you take to fight through this anxiety?

My therapist believes I will recover, but I still need to work with my wife's mood stability, maintain a healthy relationship with my wife, keep up and be a good father to my daughter and try my best to keep my cool and focus at work. I know these concerns affect all of you and is your reality, but it's brand new for me.

Help? :)

Thanks everyone, in my opinion, the members in these forums are all heroes that deserve the thanks and approval from those of us who have only started to experience these issues. Thank you all for sharing and being kind to one another.

TooMuchAnxiety said...

3. Have you and your wife ever been to couple's counseling? That may help you guys work through the emotions you're feeling about her 'love affair.' I am still having trouble understanding how this was an affair though, without the physical aspect... Was she going on dates with someone? Confused, but don't feel the need to explain it any further if you don't feel comfortable.!

She met a man through work, actually ends up being one of her bosses.

Before she was diagnosed with BP, she was being treated (poorly) for depression and her medication eventually threw her into a hypomania that lasted a couple months. Not sure if that constitutes hypo or mania, but it still happened.

She would text him day in, day out. They went to a concert together and shared a room, but "nothing happened". She did kiss him, he resisted.

She went to his house one night during a manic episode and didn't come home until 1am, trying to tell me that they had just talked, but I came to find out that she had tried to have it become more. He resisted again, but instead of cutting ties with her, they flirted and texted/emailed each other for months.

That whole time I had been a very distant husband and I was at fault for not listening to her or helping her while she cried, but I was ignorant to the facts and didn't know what to do.

She has since admitted to me that although no sexual contact had been had, there was still the idea that they could have and instead of just ending it then, they kept at it. Basically keeping the door open for the potential.

I know it sounds "off", but there is much more to it and some things are a little too specific to place on a forum that could be found some day. I'd rather not compromise myself more than I probably am discussing it :) How I perceive everything is VERY like me, and she could see through the subtle context and find out.

She had an emotional and "loving" relationship with this man and fell in love with him. She still is, but I am trying to work with that AND keep myself stable.

Again, it's difficult to explain (that's why I required therapy) and my therapist also sees it as an affair. There was definitely some physical intimacy between the two, they just never happened to take it to the "final" step.

I hope that makes sense.

Thank you for the encouragement though, I do feel proud of myself some days, but then there are moments when I just can't shake the feelings that it will happen again, etc etc.

Oh man, I get it now. If my husband was doing any of those above listed, he would be in BIG trouble! :D I'm so sorry for what you are going through, but I also have faith that you can work through this and that you will find yourself in a happy place one again. Just keep working on it with that therapy and feel free to post here with all of your new anxiety friends. Best wishes for a happy Friday!

Momtogigiandquinn said...
I used to have a terrible time at night with my anxiety. Guided meditation on YouTube really helped me through this.

You are really doing all you can to get help! Keep on keeping on:)

Meditation...there's something I haven't done in years.

I have a couple other ideas I am looking into, but I need to take things one step at a time.

I also think I have the inclination to start doing yoga again, had a great 20 minute video I used to follow because of a bad leg, but it's been a couple years since I have gone ahead and done it. The breathing exercises alone helped me a great deal.

Thanks to everyone for listening

Park12,

Everyone seems to suggest couples counseling and I find the validity in that.

That being said, I have gone through 3 counselor/therapists of my own, and each has had concerns of our local area's couples and marriage counseling services.

The biggest concern is that they have a higher failure rate than most other local areas, and the counselor(s) has/ve a tendency of focusing too much on a "victim" and then redirecting that attention to the problem and aggressor, rather than finding a positive "moving forward" solution.

My wife is very aware of her actions and what they have done to me, and we are both willing to work through it in "our way", which isn't to say we don't have our own external support system.

My wife's love for another man seems to stem from her obsession and infatuation, which I can't accept as "love", more-so the end result of a mania that involved this "friend" who understood her illness. In learning more about my wife's disease, it has become quite apparent that although he may have had good intentions on trying to understand it, he truly didn't. And if he had truly "loved" her as he claimed, he would have cut off the friendship in hopes that she could help herself through this, with her husband and pdoc by her side.

I know my wife loves me, it's just difficult for me to understand at which level she does, and how much of it is out of necessity (i.e. being a good wife and mother) and how much of it is based on actual love.

We have an incredibly open relationship about our feelings, and although it might cause me some pain and anxiety to talk about it, it would kill me to know she's keeping her feelings hidden from me, that she can't be herself with me.

She told me today that she hopes this "dark cloud" won't always be hovering above us, and that she blames herself for how I am now (I rarely had any form of anxiety, mostly stress and stress hives from work, etc)

We have never fought or screamed/yelled in our years of being together, and considering the resulting situation of our separation, we are still incredibly civil and very close. She is still my best friend, it just hurts knowing what I do and only time will completely heal that wound.

Again, I KNOW my wife loves and cares for me, and she's admitted that before her medication and her therapy, she was another person. She doesn't want to become that person again, even though her illness has a tendency of becoming more than she is. She is a very strong woman to fight through this, so I am hoping I can keep my promise on helping myself to allow things to fall in place when they need to.

Thanks all