Anxiety linked to long term relationship

Hi CD,

I remember your situation...and yes, it is complicated and ongoing...

...not something you can disengage from easily I am sure.

I did not know about the decision he announced about the divorce 12 yrs ago...

...how did that get resolved? Did you get counsel at that time?

It sounds as if he is isolated and may very well be dealing with some mental challenges himself. (depression?)

It certainly does not sound as if you are the only one to whom he has acted indifferently with...considering his lack of friends.

Does he have a close family member you could confide in for advice/assistance in getting him help?

S.C.

CD,

The situation.sounds very difficult.:( I am sorry you are.going through this.

If he is suffering depression...or other form of mental issue...it would be worth trying to persuade him to seek help. It could make all the difference for both of you and the relationship!

S.C.

Hi there...and welcome back. I am fairly new here myself. It sounds like you are at an impass right now with this relationship. It's so hard. When you give so much of yourself to it and feel like you are getting nothing in return. It sounds like your partner is going through some sort of issue themself. I don't know his background or anything but his life does not sound so happy.

I can relate to having an aging mother. My mom is 85 and is currently in a rehab recovering from a knee surgery. We are reaching a time in her life that puts more demands on me. While she is in this rehab it is actually easier for me to just visit her there where as when she is out, she lives in a house which she can no longer physically manage. We have some difficult decisions to face along those lines.

Back to your problem....does your partner even realize how unhappy you are in this relationship? Are you able to talk to him about it? It would be awesome if he were willing to go to counseling with you or even by himself. It sounds like you have spent a lot of years together and one does not just "break up" from something like this. You have spent a great portion of your life with him.

What are your feelings on this....do you want to see this get better and work out or are you at the point of just being done with it? If you do decide to stay, there is alot of things you will have to work on together to make your life return to a happy place. Life does not sound so happy for you at this time.

I hope I have not over stepped my boundaries with my words...I'm just offering what clicked with me when I read your post-as an outsider.

If you have struggled with anxiety in the past, unless some work gets done on this situation you are surely headed for it to return. It sounds like you have a very heavy burden of being responsible in all ways for your home and are not getting much in return.

I say all this with a kind, caring heart and my intention is to help you. That's what we are all here for.
This is such a wonderful caring community. Always getting caring responses to posts, nothing ever goes unanswered here. The moderators are so dedicated and always help me so much....as do others.

I hope you find what you need. I'm here if you need to talk more. I, myself , am in a 26 year marriage that has met it's challenges through the years. Some would have walked out if in my position, but I chose to stay. When I married it was for "in both good times and bad times" and I am very committed to this. Thankfully we have always worked through our "stuff". My husband is an alcoholic that falls off the wagon all too often and it has not been an easy ride. But I love him tremendously and try and remember that he is sick. He has a disease. Hard at times to look at it this way, but that's what it is.

PHewwwwww........I had alot to say....sorry such a long post. Hope I was able to help. I am here for you if you would like to talk more.

I hope you can get some clarity.
All my best,
Linda

hello again CD.
25 years is an awfully long time together. I find it hard to believe that YOU are doing something wrong. In fact, I can guarantee you that it is not you causing his problems. We are all too quick to blame ourselves when things are challenging. You have to stop the negative thoughts about yourself and say this is just who and what he is. This is the way God made him. I highly doubt you are doing something wrong here. Highly doubt!!! You said it yourself-you eat, sleep, go to work....what is he doing? Be careful as to not blame yourself in any of this. While I think it is great that you are willing to take a look at yourself and your actions, time has told this story. You are doing all you should be doing and you sound like a very caring person and are genuinely concerned for him. You sound like you want to figure this out and are willing to do whatever it takes---just don't take blame. Relationships are a 2 way street.
It takes 2!
Can you explain more about him that is making it so hard? What are his "buttons"? Does he get angry with you?

How is your anxiety level during all of this? I know it would make me crazy, feeling as if I was causing his problems. We can't self talk like that. This would be a great time to do some of the mindfulness meditations they have posted on the resource page. Maybe even go to you tube and search out self esteem meditations to help boost you. You need to change the message inside yourself that you are doing something wrong. You are not. Sounds to me that you are a very caring and concerned person that hates to live with turmoil between the two of you.....who wants that?

I hope you are feeling ok. You have not talked much about that. In fact, the thing you have mostly conveyed is the question of "what am I doing wrong". Focus more on what you are feeling rather than what you are doing. If that makes any sense to you....I don't know. I just feel bad for you.

Hang in there.
Linda

Yes, it is great to get such support. My partner is away working and his most recent email is as if nothing happened and nothing is wrong. This is what I deal with. Before he left, he was quiet and withdrawn. I had been in NYC visiting my mom and bought bagels. My partner and I shared the bagels at 2 p.m. on Sunday. He was leaving at 5 for his job out of town and we had originally planned to have an early dinner. At 4 I asked him if he still wanted an early dinner. I said I was still full from the bagel but would cook dinner and eat mine later. He got mad and said don't bother. He stormed outside to continue packing. I followed him out and asked what was wrong. He didn't answer me. I asked again and he said that he didn't want to answer. He didn't speak to me again and left for his job. I didn't get an email for 4 days. I continued my busy work schedule but the anxiety was worse not hearing from him. He finally wrote last night as if nothing had happened. This is a normal chain of events. Now I am more relaxed and can continue my schedule for the weekend. I just don't know what triggers the ugly behavior. I wasn't going to eat when I wasn't hungry.