Anxiety about my doctor

Some back story:
I’ve seen my doctor a handful of times. I have diabetes. My A1C numbers (my sugar) have been bad. She wants to put me on an injectable medicine that I have refused. It’s expensive and I hate needles. She’s been pushing it on me since September of last year.
The last time I saw her, in March, I had a breakdown in her office.
The office she uses has students and they’ll be in the (tiny) room with you. When I had my blood drawn, there was a student there. The teacher didn’t immediately take my blood. Instead, she had the student run her gloved fingers over my veins (“Feel here, blah blah”) as she discussed what they were doing. I am terrified of needles. I refuse to look when it’s happening. Their touch and what they were saying had me gagging, I’m ashamed to say. So the student nicely backed away and stopped and the teacher finally took my blood.
So two days later, I told the receptionist, no student please. She said to just tell my doctor.
I am non-confrontational. So much that I will suffer through things just to not upset anyone. So I said nothing when a student was there. A mistake. My doctor once more pressed me to take the shot. Finally I blew up.
“You act like you’ve given up on me and I’ve worked to not have to take this shot and I hate shots and I told you it’s expensive”( by this time I was yelling and crying) “and there’s a student here and I told them I didn’t want her here, it’s not your fault, you did nothing wrong but I don’t want you here” (and I cried louder because I felt bad) “but my sister had to give herself shots but she had to take them because there was no other treatment for her” (she has multiple sclerosis. At this point I was rambling on and I doubt my doctor understood me) “but I mean I don’t even eat candy anymore and you keep pushing this on me and I keep throwing up but nothing’s been done for that and there is no way in hell I’m taking this medicine!!!!!”
The rest of the appointment I cried and kept repeating “there’s no way in hell, there’s no way in hell” because she STILL tried to get me on it. She put both hands on my knees (she went for my arms but I recoiled unconsciously) and did try to calm me down. I left her office covered in sweat, the back of my shirt almost soaking wet.
But the thing is, I see her next month. The moment I picture her face… it’s like my mind shuts down, it SCREAMS at me, and I almost start crying, as I’m doing now. I wonder if I would be this way with any doctor of if it’s just her. My sister and my mother both see her and seem to get along with her just fine. But I think of her and I just get so panicky and start crying. As far as I can tell, when I go see her I’ll just be a crying mess again. I’m crying right now just thinking about it!
Any advice for getting the strength to see her and to maybe not cry would be greatly appreciated.

Hi SFJ and welcome to the A/P!

 

I too am so sorry to hear about your negative experience with your current doctor.

 

If I may also ask a couple of questions, in order to best advise you with the best suggestions.

 

1) Is your doctor a GP or an endocrinologist?

 

2) I am assuming you are talking about type 2 diabetes?

 

3) Have you been able to lower your BGL's/A1C with diet and exercise alone, or are these exceeding healthy levels in spite of your efforts?

 

My husband is type 1...and I of course deal with anxiety...so I may be able to help you out a bit if you can give me just a bit more information! :)

 

Talk to you soon,

 

S.C.

Hello, SC! Thank you for your response!
Answers:
1. She’s a regular medical doctor, but she’s mentioned me seeing an endocrinologist.
2. Yes! I’m sorry I forgot to mention that, I am type 2.
3. I will try to make this short but I’ll probably fail.
I am very ignorant, I will admit, about diabetes. When I was diagnosed, for three months I just took my medicine. Then I finally started working out some (after work I would walk for 30 minutes) but I didn’t really know what to eat. I ate rice because growing up, rice, especially brown rice, was supposed to be really good for you. So I ate rice every day but then learned it’s actually really BAD for diabetics. Then in March I admitted I was throwing up a lot, so my doctor had me start checking my sugar. Around that time, I started getting really bad pains in my toes. So bad that I’ve changed the way I walk a little. I had to stop walking after work because of it. I try to eat well, especially breakfasts, but my sugar, I have now learned due to testing, is just always high. I’ve had some good readings, but on average my sugar is high. I simply don’t work out anymore. I know it’s a bad thing but I honestly don’t know how to exercise with bad toes (nowhere to swim, I work a lot, etc.). On top of it all, I have been feeling lots of fatigue (laziness?) and just don’t feel up to moving around a lot.
As a side note, I have no clue whether the toe pain or throwing up has anything to do with the diabetes. I’m sorry I just kept writing!

Yes, I’m currently on metformin. You do sound like you know what you’re talking about. My doctor almost used seeing an endocrinologist as a threat, like, as a last option.

I sometimes wonder if it’s bad shoes but it’s simply that the longer I wear shoes period, the worse my toes get. I loved riding a bike when I was a kid, loved it, but I bruised my tailbone and haven’t since. I think if I were to get a bike it would need to be pretty specific… one that could hold me and one that wasn’t too high up. I did some research and saw that stationary bikes are a bit expensive, but I can try and save up for it. Thank you for all of the info you gave me!

Thank you very much for taking the time out of your day! I appreciate it!

Hi again, Skyflyerjen,

There are always so many great pointers around these forums. It is nice to have somewhere to turn with questions, especially since a chronic illness diagnosis is a HUGE transition at any time in life. As someone who also suffers from a chronic condition, I would have to say that I, too, was very ignorant in the beginning, but I am glad that I feel much more competent now over a decade later.

One of the single most important factors in managing my disease has been working with doctors who allow me to feel heard (after all, it's MY body). Since we will need their assistance and expertise for years to come, it is absolutely crucial to build a relationship with a doctor we trust. Referrals to specialists or suggestions of new treatment options should not feel like threats over which we have no control, but we should feel like we are working with a skilled ally who has our best interests at heart.

Sometimes an individual might be very skilled clinically, but lacks the bedside manner we need. This does not mean they are a bad doctor, but it DOES mean he or she might not be the right fit for us -- and that's okay. We have options. In your situation, whether you decide to stay with your current physician to try to figure things out or seek a second opinion, I have always found it helpful to ask friends and family for recommendations since they often have the inside scoop!

Remember, physicians provide services. You are the consumer and you deserve to be treated as an intelligent, thinking person. You have the right to say, "No." You have the right to ask for more information. If you feel like you could use help learning to be more assertive in your communication skills, there are also plenty of resources to help with that (I've even found a therapist or coach to be beneficial for myself). Sometimes just bringing along a friend or family member to your appointments for support makes it easier to speak up when necessary.

Most importantly, like Scaredy Cat said, keep educating yourself about your condition so you can be armed with knowledge! The "good" thing about Diabetes is that is a disease that has been researched quite extensively, so there is LOTS of good information out there. They even have specialized Diabetes educators in the community who take the time to patiently teach you how to manage your symptoms. It might be something worth looking into for yourself.

I would say it is often RECOMMENDED by medical offices to take someone along with you on a doctor's appointment. Good physicians know they are rushed and that having another pair of eyes/ears there makes it more likely that your friend can help you remember what was said (especially if you're anxious) as well as to help you be sure to ask all the questions you want.

Update:
The appointment was a crazy one because there was a lot to go over. Not only was my sister encouraging, she wrote down a lot of notes! Now she can help me remember everything the doctor told me. it went so much better than last time.
As soon as my doctor saw my sister I said, "She's here to prevent me from having another breakdown." My doctor said she thought I needed a breakdown to help deal with what's going on with me. I get that, but I would prefer not to do it in public, you know?
Thank you guys for your kind words and excellent advice... it WORKED!