I'm new here and pretty fed up with Anxiety

I just wrote this elsewhere but thought I'd share here as a general 'this is where I'm at right now'. Not the happiest of introductions, sorry! It seems like a good community here, and I might learn something.
I've never joined a forum specifically for this, but I think it's about time I did.

I'm pretty fed up right now.
I don't often write my feelings down, mainly because I feel like i don't deserve sympathy any more than the next person. But I'm really sick of this.
I nearly had a panic attack on the train just now and barely made it home, holding it together, trying to look like a normal person.
Why? I don't know. I have a great job at the moment, I'm moving on Saturday to a great place, I have a good gf, I'm still young and I just bought a new phone that I love.
Since I got out of an abusive relationship a couple of years ago, I haven't been right. I had two panic attacks during the relationship, real ones with the rush of adrenaline, immobilized, rocking back and forth, dizzy, faint, numb limbs etc.
One of those happened on the day of moving. Link to why I'm in a mess right now and have been particularly not good prior to the build up to moving this Saturday? I don't know. I don't understand myself.
I have friends coming to help me move, and it might not end well on this day that it supposed to be a happy one. None of my friends really know.
If I could get some Valium, I might be okay but doctors won't give it to me. But right now all I have for backups are some weak-ass valerium root tea that only helps for the milder attacks.
I can feel that right now, a real attack might be building up. I'm due for one, it's been about a year or so since my last.
I want to claw away at this presence inside of me that doesn't belong there. I can't do anything about it and it comes and goes as it pleases.
It feels like my sanity is conditional and could be taken away from me at any moment. I feel an emotional pressure in my head and chest.
I feel like there's the most vile negative energies inside of me that won't go away, that have no reason to be there. I want to cry but I can't, because last time I cried when I felt like this and completely let go, I had the worst panic attack ever.
I've been working very hard in my new job for 9 months.
I don't want this to interfere with that.
Every other job I've had, apart from one, I've lost due to honestly just bad luck and office politics mostly. Lost when I least expect it.
I know it will happen again. I'm afraid to move because I know it will happen again and I'll be left on my own with debts and the money I've worked so hard for will gush into the rent of my new place.
I just cried, I guess that struck a cord with me. No panic attack (yet) so that's good. Maybe I should write more from now on.
I've been staying with my mum for the past 2 years after that bad relationship.
It's been 2 years, and I'm 33, and I'm forcing myself to move out because I feel like it's part of my recovery and gaining my independence back.
I feel happy/excited about it, but very nervous about how I will feel too. What if I fall apart? What if I have a panic attack that very day when everyone is around?
Where should I go from here? Any advice would be appreciated.
I know I need therapy and have dabbled in it before. There's a lot around the area I'm moving to and am planning to find one I like once I'm settled.
Right now there's no point in starting anywhere new, because I'll just be moving out of area soon. So I'm a bit stuck. I want to work on myself right NOW, and I am so over feeling this way.

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you are struggling. This is a great place to help get out of the struggle.

You listed so many positive things in your life. Focus on those, and enjoy them.

deb is right. You need to stop the negative talk...don't put yourself down. You know the problems, and you have the power to change your thinking.

Positive mantras work great for me. Try telling yourself that you have so many positive things going right now. Exciting new adventures, and you can do it. This is only anxiety trying to throw a dark blanket over your dreams. You can push it away, and enjoy your life.

There are a lot of great self help exercises in our resources thread at the top of this forum. You might try those. Breathing exercises help me too.

Seeking professional help after your move sounds like a positive step.

You noticed that writing down your feelings helped you. Try journaling. I find that if I do it faithfully every day - especially on the good days - I can read back through, and it really helps me see that even though some days are tough, there are good ones as well.

Also, it just helps getting those feelings out. Don't keep it bottled up until you feel like you'll explode.

I hope you find some things that work for you. Post with us any time. We are here to help you along this journey.

Hello and welcome!

I am sorry you are currently dealing with anxiety and doubts about how the recent changes in your life will work out. Know this is common when facing new and unknown territory.

However, having some faith in your ability is in order here I believe! Look at the things you have overcome and done to be succcessful!

Getting out of an abusive realtionship, and moving forward into a new and healthy one. Having the better part of a year in a good job, and doing well currently, even in spite of having troubles in the past...

...these things do not speak of negative things from the past coming back, but rather point to a new and positive future. You have taken steps to ensure that.

As the others mentioned, don't anticipate anything but good things. Postive visualization is essential for your mood...and in ensuring a desirable outcome.:)

I am going to post some links below. They are from our Resources (mentioned by other above) and should be looked at in its entirety (1st post main forum page) but here are a few that I though might be good for you to try first.:)

Keep posting with us anytime. We care, understand...and support is key!

Scaredy Cat

Thanks for your replies everyone, it did help and was nice to wake up to this morning. (I'm in Australia)

@deborahscinder - It's so painfully obvious that I was doing that, but I didn't really see it.
When I did a CBT test online the other week, it was going through silly scenarios whereby it would show people getting upset about being late to a party and showing negative self talk examples. When reading I was thinking, pfff this is silly I'd never do that. But there I am saying things like I'm going to lose my job again. It's exactly the same thing.
Maybe I will sometime but logic dictates that I won't any time soon, I've had nothing but praise here. It could come out of nowhere as it did before, as yeah I have improved sales a lot, but they're nowhere where they should be. But I am useful in other areas too so hopefully they'll keep me around in the meantime until sales pick up.
I'm doing marketing and social media - funny job for someone with anxiety :)


@Jake'sMom - I probably do bottle them up, and maybe they do just release all at once sometimes. I'm a lot better today, not perfect, but I would be surprised if I don't have a relatively stable day today. Is it because I released yesterday? What if I released everyday gradually in less panicy ways? At the moment it feels like every single negative or stressful thing stays within me.
I've been trying to only focus on positive things this morning. It still feels like I'm at the mercy of whatever those energies decide to do, but if I try to stay positive maybe they won't have as much power as I think they do. I'll check out the self help sections of this website to see if they're any different to what I've read elsewhere.
I can still feel the energies within me, but at times like this they don't bother me as much and I can hold onto myself.

@Scaredy Cat Hi there, I've seen some of your replies occasionally in this forum over the past year when googling questions so it's nice to meet you.
I have had a lot of external positive change, that I'm surprised I've been able to manage. Internally it's improved, but I'm still a long way off. At least I don't need to listen to relaxation music on the way to work any more just to get through the morning commute.
It still feels so incredibly powerful, and like most people with anxiety I'm sure - I feel like my case is special and that something is probably wrong with me. I can't imagine many people dealing with this and surviving. Can it really just be anxiety? How did it get this bad?
"don't anticipate anything but good things. Postive visualization is essential for your mood...and in ensuring a desirable outcome.:)" I'll try to focus on this for now as I think it's probably the only quick fix available to me at the moment.

My panic and anxiety used to come in waves and cycle on for some time.

With time and practice of the coping skills, there will be improvement!

Keep working towards your goals...and keep talking with us. We understand and care...we are listening and cheering you on!

Try the Stress Relieving Exercises for a good place to start!

S.C.