Posted 10/14/2015 10:43 PM (GMT 0)
So I just wanted to update everyone here about how things have been going for me the past few weeks. So long story short for those that don't know, 12 years ago I had my first experience with anxiety after dealing with a medical condition. I guess you can say I had a nervous breakdown of sorts and well I ended up trying CBT at first without meds but then decided to try meds alongside the CBT.
I started taking Lexapro and self-help CBT and was pretty much anxiety free for over 10 years I would say. about a year and a half ago I decided with my p-doc to stop taking the Lexapro because I was feeling great. I had just gotten married, I had a great job, things were going well. I thought I had beaten my GAD forever. Then my wife got pregnant, issues at work arose, and life just got pretty stressful to put it lightly. Not too bad mind you but being the worrier I have always been I could feel the anxiety building up.
6 months ago my wife had our beautiful baby boy and all was well for about 3 months. Then for some reason 3 months ago I found myself worrying constantly about our finances, my job, her job, my babies health (all was well of course) and then the physical symptoms and panic attacks started. Dizziness, imbalance, racing thoughts, restlessness, tingling in my hands and feet, and absolutely brutal morning anxiety upon waking. I felt like I didn't want to ever get out of bed.
So for 3 months now I have been going through what is my second bout with full blown anxiety. But things are getting remarkably better.
SO I kind of wanted to share my story and maybe give some of you struggling right now some semblance of hope.
Look if you are at the height of your anxiety I know that right now you feel that what you are going through is the worst thing ever, you feel like you are literally dying, going crazy, and that all of this will never end. You are tired, exhausted, besides yourself with fear, and also fear that you will never be NORMAL again. You fear that you are worse off than everyone else. Well let me reassure you that you are not alone and that you are not unique, plenty of us on this board have been or are currently going through what you are going through. We know the feelings, we feel the fear.
My anxiety got so bad I went to the hospital because I was having scary thoughts of self harm and I just wanted them to give me something to calm me down. (Some of the group members here were even on here to read about that and were worried and sent me their love and support, which is why I love the group here.) Turns out ER doctors are not always your friends and what they did instead was send me to a mental health clinic for 4 days. It was simultaneously scary as all hell but did allow me to see that there were plenty of other people worse off than I was and in the end it did help me a bit being there because I realized that a lot of the methods used in CBT / DBT are used for a reason by mental health professionals. I also saw that people from all walks off life suffer with anxiety, depression, addiction, and other mental health disorders. Everyone goes through a rough time no matter how big, small, rich, or poor. I learned not to be ashamed. And I learned that I can beat this. Or at least accept it and do something about it.
Let me tell you that you will be normal again and this will pass. Why do I say this? Because twice in my life I have felt those feelings and twice in my life, it has passed. This current bout with anxiety is slowly dissipating and I have now been back at work, going out with friends again, enjoying my new son, and thank GOD, not thinking about my anxiety on a 24/7 basis.
So slowly but surely this will pass.
Now I know a lot of you might be anti-meds and want to go the natural route, well I commend you for that but I feel like the reason I am feeling better so quickly into this second bout of acute anxiety is that I followed a two fold plan of combining medication and talk therapy. I am also doing a couple of things that have helped me feel a lot a better as well and really helped me manage my anxiety. So here is my list of things that are helping me out.
- I got back on Lexapro with the recommendation of my p-doc and although it took longer to kick in this second time around (about 8 weeks to feel a real difference), I am starting to feel like myself again. Anti Depressants aren't the same for everyone so it may take time to find one that works for you but hang in there and be patient. Also don't expect to be 100% right away. I know that sucks to hear, but Rome wasn't built in a day and even a broken leg takes time to heal. Give it time.
- I was scared to death of Benzo's because I had heard so many horror stories. My doctor prescribed me Ativan and I was so afraid of it that I didn't use it. Finally after a long conversation with him where I really felt he had my best interest at heart I tried it. It helped but I felt it made me a bit more depressed, so I told him I think my apprehension was that Ativan was so short acting and I was afraid to be popping pills every few hours. So he switched me to Klonopin and I have to say it has been a God send. I have felt no side effects aside from sleepiness at the beginning. And I will be very careful about how I wean of them in order to reduce the side effects or withdrawals. But I dont think I would be feeling these improvements without it. But i have to stress you follow them exactly as prescribed. Never self medicate or change the dosage without talking to your doctor. Also I have to stress, it wasn't like I felt great or euphoric when I took the Klonopin. It just helped me handle things better. Which brings me to my next point...
- Meds are just one part of the equation to getting over this thing. I basically searched the internet for therapists in my area and wrote down a list of possibles. I called all of them, and well I really based my opinion off of how the staff treated me, how helpful they were, their availability, their social media presence to see how involved they were in their practice, read any articles they had to get an idea of their approach, etc...
I found a great therapist, that I immediately connected with. She was no nonsense and basically told me that a lot of getting over this depends on how much work we put in. You have to face the anxiety, accept it, face your fears, and realize little by little that these feeling will not hurt you or kill you. With her help I have made huge strides and I am doing it more so because I want to be able to control this for life. Meds are just a band aid. If you don't address the underlying problem you will most likely relapse when you come off the meds. Research shows as much is true.
- Mindfullness. I have become addicted to mindfullness meditation. But like anything it takes practice and you may feel agitated, restless, and annoyed at the thought of meditation at first, I know I did. But the meds calmed me down enough to get to a point where I told myself, okay I am going to give this a shot. And it is working. The meditation now brings me peace. It doesn't cure anxiety, nothing does for that matter, anxiety is always going to exist. The thing is you get better at managing how it affects you and how much you entertain the nonsense thoughts that sometimes enter your head. It becomes easier to push aside the bad thoughts and focus on the truly helpful and positive ones.
- Diet. When I got hit with this recent episode of anxiety I was in terrible health. I was and still am very overweight. My diet was horrible and consisted of fast food, sweets, and all sorts of processed crap. I had long since left behind the days of cutting and making weight for fights like I once did when I was competing in kickboxing. I started changing my diet by eating more greens, taking a good multi vitamin, Omega-3 fatty acids, Magnesium supplements, and also drinking green superfood shakes and smoothies. Spinach, Kale, etc....
- Trim the Fat from your life. I started trimming the fat from my life in the sense that I began to really analyze what things were truly important to worry about and what things were really unnecessary worries. I am working on being less of a yes man and focusing on doing the things I truly want to do because I want to do them. In therapy this is called being assertive. I am learning how to be more assertive about what things I do and don't want to do. I am no longer a people pleaser. I do things because they benefit me and my family or my true close friends. Or benefit people in need...which leads me to my next point
- Spirituality. Honestly, I would put this first but I know not everyone is religious or spiritual. I grew up in a Catholic family and still consider myself Catholic to some degree but I began going to a Christian church with my wife and lets just say I began a journey to connect to my faith. But I am an open minded, more or less liberal minded person so I had to find a place that wasn't going to beat me over the head with scripture and would allow me to embark on my journey on my terms. I found a great church with good people and it has helped tremendously. So with that said, your anxiety, depression, mental health struggles, are not a punishment from God. In many way they can be a blessing...I think I am becoming a better person, husband, father, brother, son, etc...because of what I am learning from my anxiety. I feel more connected and open than I did before. Whether that is the meds, therapy, diet, or God, I don't know...but I feel its a combination of all of those things.
- Exercise. I have just started exercising again and I found it helps but you have to take it easy at first and ease your way back in because I went for a really long and tough run the other day and I felt a little bit more anxious than I expected to afterwards. I probably pushed myself too much so my advice is to ease your way back in and do what you can and slowly increase the intensity of the workout.
- Avoid over saturating yourself with Anxiety related material. Going to forums, watching videos, and searching for anxiety related content on Google is a double edged sword. You are going to find both really helpful people and people that aren't as helpful. There are great podcasts, resources, forums, and groups out there but like I said earlier in this post, thinking about your anxiety 24/7 will overwhelm you. Regardless of how you are feeling you need to try to focus on other things, simple things like washing dishes, playing with your kids, talking to a friend on the phone, MEDITATING, watching a funny movie, etc....All of those things can help take your mind off of your anxiety if even for a moment.
I guess the last thing I would like to reiterate is that one of the most important things of all in this is PATIENCE. Anxiety is not something that developed overnight, so it will not subside overnight. It takes time. When you are at the height of your anxiety or the "CRISIS" as my therapist and p-doc call it, it will feel overwhelming and incredibly acute. But you have to remember that it will pass. And even as you get better there will be moments where after feeling good for days it will seem like it comes back and you will have a bad day. Today for example as I am writing this, I am feeling kind of crummy. Today wasn't a great day, but I have had about 2 1/2 weeks of pretty great days. So the good days begin to outnumber the bad days. And as you continue working at your skills, things will get better. And you have to also remember that everyone has a bad day at one time or another
One last thing I want to stress is that meds are just a tool to work on the skills that will help you modify the behavior that got you into this position in the first place. Even if meds are making you feel better, do not stop working with your therapist if you have one, or meditating, or doing any CBT self-help programs or self help books you are reading. Acceptance is a huge part of getting better. Once the worst of the crisis subsides the idea of accepting your anxiety will begin to become clearer, it sounds crazy to think you have to accept your anxiety and float with it regardless...but it is true, the more you avoid things, the more you run from your anxiety, the longer it will take to get better.
Bottomline folks you will all get better, we will all get better. Hang in there! YOU ARE TRULY NOT ALONE!
With lots of love and blessings for all of you,
The Kickboxing Guy
P.S. I have taken a break from here for a bit because as I said because I am feeling better I wanted to focus my mind elsewhere. I work on my skills but try not to look it up too much online right now. But I will be back from time to time.