It's back!!

Hey everyone,

Hope your are all doing well and as anxiety free as possible.

I haven't been around in a little bit since the cipralex I had taken for 4 days sent me to the ER with the worst panic attack I have had...

Since then I have managed to keep the anxiety down to an extreme minimum and it has been awesome!! Then two weeks ago life came crashing down kind of.

It started with my cousin being murdered... He was only one year older than me but most of the family hadn't seen him in almost 10 years as once he turned 18 he dropped off the grid. He joined some kind of gang or cartel or money laundering thing, none of us really know, which is for the best. He was gunned down in a targeted attack. I was ok at first because I was never close with him but then I went to the visitation and they had a board with pictures of him and down in the bottom corner was a picture of my mom holding him and me as babies and I just lost it kind of. I mean this is relatively normal and I got a hold of myself and I was fine the rest of the night. I was exhausted the next day though.

Fast forward to this past Monday... My grandma had had shoulder surgery which was no big deal, elective surgery and all. My mother, dad and me went and visited her in hospital and we had been there like 20 minutes and the ward was extremely hot and my dad suddenly ran out of the room stating he had to leave before he passed out. Well he made it to the bench by the elevator before he crashed kind of. He sat on the bench, got like deathly pale and slowly became out of touch so to speak... It was the scariest thing ever. I have always worried about his health because he is almost 60 and has not seen a doctor in almost 10 years. My mom was worried too and then she thought I would start panicking and she would have two crisis on her hands. Well we got a nurse and she got him some ice cold water and then kind of left us to go down to emergency on our own. We barely got him down the elevator and into a wheelchair. I was afraid he was having a heart attack and we checked him in in the emergency. It took an hour just for them to triage him. By then he was starting to regain his colour and his heart rate had started coming around ( I had taken it upstairs and it was really slow). The triage system there was awful but once he was triaged he was taken right back to a bed in observation. By then though he had gotten much better so his vitals were normal and his EKG was completely normal. The doctor listened very well and was very awesome which is very rare in our hospitals here in Ontario. He then got a chest xray and blood work which was all normal but the doctor wanted him to stay there for another blood test taken 6 hours after the initial event to make sure it wasn't a minor heart attack. So he did and it was normal. So the doctor had thought it was something called a vasovagal response from the description right at the beginning but wanted to rule out a heart cause for it. He is also sending him for a stress test sometime soon. He was shaky the next day but seems to be fine now but he likes to be a tough guy.

During all of this I was a rock, I mean on the inside my anxiety was killing me but I kept it together for my mom and dad... at least for awhile. The one time I left the house without my purse and therefore my emergency ativan pill (I only have one for real emergencies) go figure. Once he was coming around and we were just waiting I just couldn't take it. This was like 1130pm at this point and my beta blocker was wearing off and I was tired to begin with before this happened. Had some heart palps but nothing scary but I just went into full panic and my dad noticed because he has seen that face before no matter how hard I try to hide it so he told my mother to take me home before I ended up in the bed next to him lol. So by the time I got home ( like 20 minutes) I started to calm down after I laid down and turned the tv on. I think I dealt with it fairly well, until the next day... Since then I have been extremely on edge, afraid to go outside again and worried about everything that I feel again and then add to that with worrying about my father not knowing if he will wake up the next day or if he does something it will happen again. The day after they went and visited my grandma again and I was strongly against him going back to the scene of the crime and it sent me into a big panic until they got back home.

Now I have to leave the house and go to a doctor's appt tomorrow which is 3 hours away and it is just freaking me out.

Sorry for the insanely long rant about my life but I really need to get this off my chest and maybe get some affirmation that what I am feeling will go away and that I have some reason to be feeling this way. I was so distracted by my anxiety today that while I was trying to bake (to distract myself) I burnt my finger by touching the pan without an oven mitt, ugh it is pretty badly burned. I just can't catch a break recently and I really hate having this anxiety again. I now realize how good I was doing anxiety wise, it was great I was going shopping and just being more active and happy in general and now I am back to worrying about every little thing and jerking awake in the night with panic... last night was miserable.

Will this go away again if I keep using my coping skills? I want to go back to the way it was. I know it is a setback due to the stress and emotional trauma but it took so long and so much to get to the way it was...

Anyways thanks for reading if you made it this far...

Hi Jumper and welcome back...

...although I am sorry to hear of the stressful events that naturally have triggered your recent anxiety. :( You had a rough week indeed, and it is understandable why you are challenged at the moment!

I do believe that this is situational and you'll be feeling better soon with continued use of your coping skills...and patience with yourself and the process.

I am glad you felt comfort in letting some of the burden go through posting here. I encourage you to continue this either here, in a journal...or both. Writing about the things that are bothering us is a very cathartic release!

We are here and cheering you on as you get back on track, and moving forward in your recovery again.:)

S.C.

Jumper,

It sounds like your dad has some lingering anxiety. This would be expected after the episode and scare he went through. Even if he is not verbalize the stress...it is probably there, under the surface nonetheless.

His nuclear stress test will indeed be a definitive one, to rule out any final cardio concerns. I am sure it will be fine.

As far as your Remeron question goes, you may want to ask about this in the depression forum...you will probably get more feedback there regarding this Rx...

I am glad you are working with your doctor to treat both the physical and the mental issues...so that you can feel your best all around. Well done!

Well wishes!

S.C.