Undergrad w/ severe anxiety/panic disorder

Hi all,

This is my first time posting here, or anywhere else for that matter. So please let me know if I should revise anything.

A little background on me...I'm 22, a senior in college going for a fine arts degree. I've been at my university for three semesters now. Though I've always suffered from pretty bad anxiety (panic attacks and self-destructive habits since at least middle school), it has reached an all-time high especially in this last semester. So far, I've had diagnosis spanning from panic disorder, GAD, agoraphobia, insomnia, PTSD, and OCD.

It's impossible to deny that it's directly related to an incident I had in my first semester here, towards the end of fall 2014. I was sexually abused by an instructor, who I had come to trust and confide in. It took me a while to realize that he was taking advantage of my insecurities, and that has instilled a lot of guilt that I still have more than a year later. This has taken a toll on my ability to create a strong body of artwork, or at least recognize my strengths as an artist.  I'm getting a little better at this, but it is still hard for me to accept when people enjoy my work because I assume it is flattery rather than truthful criticism.

I think this is a trend for me, as the self-destruction has reached a new level. I've always had destructive tics, such as ripping out hair or pinching myself. But in the past couple months I've started cutting, which in turn has made me feel even more guilty.

The real problem for me is the panic attacks. I love being in school, and despite my anxiety I've always maintained a really good GPA, between 3.8 and 4.0. But now I'm literally crippled by it. It's become sort of a morning routine to wake up into a full-blown panic attack, missing many of my classes. This has made it harder to return to class, as I get anxiety just from the idea of disappointing my mentors, instructors, and friends. I've stayed in my room for days at a time without food, just because the thought of leaving my bed gives me heart palpitations. I'm currently in the process of receiving incompletes on two of my courses just because I can't bring myself to attend any of my finals this week. Luckily my institution has strong counseling and disability services which I've started using, but even with the extra help my performance this semester has been unacceptable.

I want to stay in school so bad, I can't express how much I love my mentors and the program here. I'm set to graduate in three semesters, but after this most recent one I'm doubtful that I could even make it through one more. It's frustrating how much I want to spend time in the studio and work, and also having the inability to do so. I know for the most part that I can produce strong work, and I have so much support from the heads of my department. But (aside from one mentor and my counselor) none of them know about what happened a year ago.

Sorry if this turned into a rant. I suppose I don't really know if I'm looking for advice, though I'll take any I can get. It's just nice to be able to write this all out, and maybe someone will read it and understand. I'm currently typing this from bed, the newest addition to my list of ailments is stress-induced gastritis, just diagnosed today. On top of the xanax, zoloft, ambien, and inderal I normally take, now I'm on zantac. Anyway, I'll answer any questions you might have. Thank you for taking the time to listen to me.

Hi SC,

I feel like I have given a bad impression of how the school handles situations of abuse, and that isn't the case (sorry for not clarifying). I started seeing a therapist outisde of school over the summer, but when I came back to the university I saw someone here. Truthfully, I haven't been happy with the psychologists that work here and am looking to find someone I trust more outside the school. But everyone else that knows what happened also knows that I have been avid about not coming forward about it, and has respected that. That includes my out-of-school therapist as well. I'm often reminded that I still have the option to notify the department, and in the case of a certain mentor I can sense that he is frustrated that I haven't. The instructor is no longer teaching and I've never really wanted to seek justice. I think I am still kind of guilty/humiliated by what happened, and don't want it to change how people see me in my department. I don't want to be defined by being a "victim/survivor"/etc.

In terms of getting out of the school on a more regular basis, I agree with you completely. This has been hard for me, though I do go out sometimes with friends. Most of the time I can't even leave my room, though. It's a little easier at night, when there aren't too many people about.

As far as self-help goes, I've been recommended meditation, yoga, exercise, etc. I'll admit I haven't been too open to many of these options, I feel like they require a certain "charisma" (not sure what else to call it) that I don't have. I've been using weaving as a stress reliever. If you have any other suggestions, I'm willing to listen.

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to me, I hope that this can be a good outlet for me.

Mm.,

No, you didn't give that impression so much.as I just wanted to cover all possibilities...

Glad you are getting the help that you need...keep.up the good work...and posting for support here!

The self help is in the Resources at the top of the main forum page here. Check it out and see what looks helpful for you. They require no special skills or characteristics...just a desire to try...and gain recovery.:) You can do it!

Talk soon,

S.C.

Larry- Thank you, and I'm sorry that you have witnessed that as a father. I still haven't talked with my own dad about what happened, I can't say when I'll be ready for that (though my mom knows -- they're divorced). I can relate with the guilt you describe your daughters having. I've begun to realize lately that I've never had a healthy experience with my sexuality -- I learned too early on that intimacy was an exchange for receiving acceptance. This has made me feel guilty about what happened, because I did indeed want the acceptance of my abuser.
I agree so much with your last thought. I never felt that I would receive "justice" from reporting, instead it would be something I have to relive and be defined by (I expect some readers would still encourage me to report...sorry). But if I can focus on bringing myself back from this destructive place, I would count that as a substantial victory for myself.

SC- Thank you for your support!

Hibee- I did some research into DBT therapy just now. I'm not familiar with the different forms of therapy offered, as I didn't start talking to a therapist until this summer when my emotions got out of hand. And I'm not aware if there is a method to the therapy I have now, or if I'm just talking without a goal. I worry about not being able to commit to programs like that, just like I worry that I won't be able to commit to attending my classes next semester (as much as I want to). Also I am nervous about being in groups...I feel like I need therapy that would prepare me for real therapy!