Can't Sleep

Hey everyone,

Been a little while since I have posted anything. I have been here reading people's posts but haven't really felt bad enough to post anything.

Until tonight. Yes it is 2:34am and I am typing here.

I have been doing really good actually. Now that my arthritis is under control and my heart hasn't bothered me in a long time and I have just overall been in a good mood on a regular basis.

I tried a few different medications for my anxiety but all have made it much worse or I get super depressed so my doc says I am too sensitive to them. So through coping skills learned here (thanks S.C and affiliates) I was doing a lot better this past month or two anxiety wise.

Problem is just before the New Year I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. No real fault of his I just wasn't happy anymore and needed a change. So I am back living with my parents. I was a little depressed for a couple of days but I would say that is normal. Then I was fine until a few nights ago when I went to fall asleep and in that vulnerable time between relaxing and falling asleep, BAM!! Panic set in for no apparent reason. Hadn't had one of those in a long time!! I was up past my usual bed time calming myself down. Took about an hour and a half, not too bad. Fell asleep until morning but I felt really tired and drained like I normally do after an episode like that. Rested the next day. Then when it came to sleep I was too wide awake. Body was exhausted but mind was at full tilt. Eventually drifted off and got about 6 hours of sleep. This has been going on every night since... The fatigue just keeps increasing daily.

Then tonight... I turned everything off and tried to go to sleep at 12 (my new usual bedtime), couldn't but I forced myself to lay there. Seems like I drifted off for about an hour. Now here I am wide awake, jittery as ever, more anxious than anything, can't sleep.

My fear right now is that if I don't get to sleep I am going to have a heart attack from lack of sleep... This isn't going to happen right???? I am 24 all heart tests totally normal yet here I am shaking like a leaf with some muscle tightness in my chest and I think it is the end... It isn't like I haven't slept in 3 days or something, just haven't gotten any yet tonight. My mind just won't calm down and it is scaring me and then add the panic about having a heart attack or something because I am not sleeping.... urgh, I was doing so well. I know I will be fine and I will crash as soon as I can get my mind to shutdown (or shutup!!) I just don't know how at this point...

I know nobody is on right now but I just wanted to get this off my chest to see if it helps any. Sorry it is stupid long. Ugh I don't want to die (who does?), I am not going to right?? This is just insomnia right or whatever??

On the good front... I do not regret my decision about my break-up like I thought I might once I started to feel bad again. Also on the good front, I have already re-connected with an old high school friend who since xmas has been like texting me non-stop and we have hung out a couple of times (which I haven't done in years). He is a really funny guy and I am having a great time. Supposed to hang out tomorrow. He seems to respect my limitations so Netflix and chill is totally cool with him. If I don't get any sleep soon though it will be Netflix and snooze haha. I am the happiest I have been in years socially. Finally got to meet up with my best friend for the first time in 2 years as well. I have almost lost 10lbs (on purpose, not stress or anything) and my pants are falling down on me (TMI) (annoying but awesome at the same time). So why am I having this horrible insomnia/ sleep anxiety??? Too many changes, howbeit good changes at once??

Any thoughts or suggestions or similar stories from you guys are really appreciated. Your stories and suggestions are what helped me recognize I had anxiety in the first place and what helped me learn to deal with it and approach my doctor with it (even though pills kind of failed but at least I tried).

Sorry again this is crazy long, but typing is calming my mind a bit so it feels good.

Thanks for listening if you made it this far,

Amanda

I agree with Hibee, try some guided meditation before going to sleep. Here are TONS of them on YouTube for sleep and insomnia.

If that doesn't work, and you lay in bed for more than a half hour without signs of sleep, my old therapist told me to get out of bed and go do something. The longer you stay looking at the ceiling in bed, the more chance you will start to become anxious about not sleeping.

Good luck!

Hey thanks for the replies guys, I really appreciate it. It is good to know I am not alone (I kind of knew that already but the irrational fear sets in as you all know)...

Managed to get 4 separate hours of not so great sleep. Feel really weak and jittery this morning. But the mind is wide awake and going 100mph. My heart is happy (especially after my bisoprolol) my body is relatively happy minus the fatigue feeling, so I don't know why I can't stop this bout of panic and anxiety...

I will definitely give mindful meditation a try so thanks. I have used it before and it does seem to help but maybe I need to brush up on my skills a bit, refresh the process. And Mom thanks for the advice, I laid there for about an hour and then I got right up and played a game on my tablet. Sort of resets the system and then you try to fall asleep again. Normally that works but not last night...

Ugh I am supposed to hang out with my guy friend today. Just Netflix and chill but I don't know if I feel good enough to do that but I really want to at the same time. He isn't quite aware of my anxiety issues yet so I don't know if I should burden him with them yet...

Thanks for listening
Amanda

Thanks S.C.

I just did some mindfulness meditation for like 5 minutes and I noticed a huge difference. Still exhausted but I felt like I could sleep and felt calm.

I don't think I should sleep though or else I won't tonight and blah blah blah...

Anyways thanks again everyone :)

And on a good note I will probably be hanging out with me re-found guy friend tonight. Apparently he baked cookies... That should be interesting... I don't think he learned those skills in the army but nice gesture nonetheless. So excited!!