Losing hope

Hi, I'm 25 and about to graduate college. I know it's late to be graduating but I changed my major from becoming a doctor to a teacher. I really had a bad case of anxiety where it took over my life. I couldn't focus all I felt was sadness all the time. I think that I even had a problem made me feel depression. I look around and everyone getting on normally with their life. I'm at the age where I know my life is going to change. I'm going to graduate, I feel like this is the year I get engaged, my mom is getting older and i don't want to get old. I look at people in their 30s and 40s and realize I'm not ready for that. The thing that set it off was on Christmas Day when I went to my boyfriends parents house and I started to think how I didn't want to be there and rather be home with my mom. And then I thought how when my mom passes away one day these people will never be able to replace her. I went home later than night and I had my first panic attack although It didn't go away so I realize it's an anxiety attack. Now I'm worrying about losing her all the time. She raised me as a single parents and I don't know how I would be able to overcome that loss. Home only feels like home when she is there and when something good happens to me, I always tell her and she makes me know that she proud of me. How would I be able to get over that? I don't have any family. I have my BF but what if he's not enough to get me through that when it does happen. I literally have been driving myself crazy calculating years and everything and now I'm glued to her side. Then she told me when she lost her mom the only thing that helped her get through her depression was getting me. And she said the same will happen for me but then I started freaking about growing up and graduating and getting a real job. I don't want to get old but I know its gonna happen. Lastly my fear is that my life will be like this everyday for the rest of my life. It's been over two weeks, my last panic attack was a few days this is by far the worse. I always have nervous energy, like I feel it pumping through me I just want it to stop. I spoke to my doctor about it and she recommended Lexapro which I started taking on Saturday so today is day 3. I didn't sleep at all last night, and I'm nausea which has caused me not to eat a lot. I'm feeling so hopeless right now. And I feel talking to people helps me a lot to know I'm not gong through this alone.

Accept said...
You are not alone. What it seems like you are talking about is simply anxiety. It doesn't feel good, but cannot hurt you. I can't talk too much right now, getting the kids off to school. Just know that you are feeding the fear by projecting into the future. In the resources tab up top, there is a lot of info on CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). Skim it over and read about unhelpful thought patterns, I think you'll be able to identify a common theme in your post above.

No need to lose hope, we're all still here plugging away, you can learn skill to help you get a teeny bit better at a time, and eventually, you can get to a place that it just doesn't bother you too much.

 

 

Thank you for your reply. I feel like my friends, boyfriend, and mom are getting tired of hearing me talk about this all the time but it has literally taken over my life. I know I feed it but i can't shake the thought. When I'm having a good moment, my mind will say, how are you okay you're going to lose your mom soon. It's like a never ending cycle. I'm glad to know that I'm not alone. I tend to compare myself to people around me, which makes me feel bad about myself. Sometimes I feel that way. Thanks again for the reply.

Yes, you are not alone. My anxiety started with fear of losing my son, not one of my parents, but I believe it is along the same line. JR makes a good point of living in the NOW, instead of worrying all the time. I know easier said than done. Lexapro really helped me out for a long time, but I would suggest looking into CBT or another coping mechanism that will help you get through this.

Stay positive, this is a good online community, with a lot of people who have been through what you are going through. The advice here is really sound.

Ah, here's another little secret. Those coworkers who aren't struggling? You don't know that. They might hide it better, may be further along in coping skills, and most likely would be surprised to know that you're having a rough time.

We don't know other people's struggles. Just like you would have compassion if you knew someone was having a rough time, give yourself the same compassion. You're dealing with some heavy stuff, be gentle with yourself.

Also, I wonder if some of us who've been around the block a while (I'm 41), would agree: you are dealing with anxiety at a really good time in the evolution of anxiety treatment. There are forums, CBT, DBT, Mindfulness, yoga, medication, therapy and all sorts of ways to decrease your symptoms. In the late 80's/early 90's many of these resources weren't known about or 'popular'. Anxiety as a diagnosable condition only became labeled as such in the early 80's. Treatment is so much further along now.

Once again I agree, it's amazing how many people are dealing with anxiety and depression. Many of them keep it hidden. When I became open regarding my issues I couldn't believe how many others came to me and said they were going through similar situations or had been for a very long time.

Sadly, I think this is a fear every person faces. Just some are able to handle it a little better than others. Two years ago, I got the news (right about the time i was dealing with my health anxiety), that my father was diagnosed with Soft Tissue Sarcoma cancer. He was 74 at the time. Talk about sending my anxiety through the roof! What would i do when my father passes away?! How could I ever deal with not being able to call him and hear his voice anytime I wanted to? These are fears every person sooner or later has to face. My father beat the odds, and kicked cancer's butt (the first time). We were over joyed and elated that he beat a very aggressive and deadly cancer. A sigh of relief passed and my anxiety went away again. 13 months after his last chemo round, he was diagnosed AGAIN with Soft Tissue Sarcoma in just about the same spot as the last tumors were found. They immediately did surgery and started targeted radiation. His outlook was grim to say the least. He made it 7 more months before yet again, the cancer came back. The dr's then informed us, that this was it, there was no stopping it, and he had less than weeks to live. How do you deal with everything being fine to now you have not months, but weeks/days left. I flew to Indianapolis on the first flight I could get, and got everyone we knew to hold a prayer vigil (my father was a pastor for many years). After 2 days, I went to the dr and demanded them to do another PET scan and CT scan, because the cancer was gone. The dr's said, what faith and confidence you show, but it would literally take a miracle like no other for the 37 tumors found the third time, to have shrunk or even more disappear. He said, "You just have to face the fact that it is your father's time". I said nope, it's not, do the freaking scans!. Six and a half hours later, the dr came into the room and said "I have no clue how to tell you this or how this is even possible, but all 37 tumors have completely disappeared". It was a victory, but the fact still remains, my father is approaching 80 now, and I know his time is coming. And NOTHING ANYONE can say or do, will or can prepare you for losing a parent. I know this may not seem helpful, but it's just being honest. You have to understand, they will be in a better place, and you will see them again one day. It's not the end, it is just the beginning.

Accept said...
Ah, here's another little secret. Those coworkers who aren't struggling? You don't know that. They might hide it better, may be further along in coping skills, and most likely would be surprised to know that you're having a rough time.

We don't know other people's struggles. Just like you would have compassion if you knew someone was having a rough time, give yourself the same compassion. You're dealing with some heavy stuff, be gentle with yourself.

Also, I wonder if some of us who've been around the block a while (I'm 41), would agree: you are dealing with anxiety at a really good time in the evolution of anxiety treatment. There are forums, CBT, DBT, Mindfulness, yoga, medication, therapy and all sorts of ways to decrease your symptoms. In the late 80's/early 90's many of these resources weren't known about or 'popular'. Anxiety as a diagnosable condition only became labeled as such in the early 80's. Treatment is so much further along now.

 

You're right. They could be going through the same thing. I don't know them very well but it looks like they are all okay. People can visibly tell that I am out of it. I used to be energetic and now I'm depressed. But you are right we don't know what people are going through. I'm going to try CBT, I need to find someone to see.

Chadj said...
Sadly, I think this is a fear every person faces. Just some are able to handle it a little better than others. Two years ago, I got the news (right about the time i was dealing with my health anxiety), that my father was diagnosed with Soft Tissue Sarcoma cancer. He was 74 at the time. Talk about sending my anxiety through the roof! What would i do when my father passes away?! How could I ever deal with not being able to call him and hear his voice anytime I wanted to? These are fears every person sooner or later has to face. My father beat the odds, and kicked cancer's butt (the first time). We were over joyed and elated that he beat a very aggressive and deadly cancer. A sigh of relief passed and my anxiety went away again. 13 months after his last chemo round, he was diagnosed AGAIN with Soft Tissue Sarcoma in just about the same spot as the last tumors were found. They immediately did surgery and started targeted radiation. His outlook was grim to say the least. He made it 7 more months before yet again, the cancer came back. The dr's then informed us, that this was it, there was no stopping it, and he had less than weeks to live. How do you deal with everything being fine to now you have not months, but weeks/days left. I flew to Indianapolis on the first flight I could get, and got everyone we knew to hold a prayer vigil (my father was a pastor for many years). After 2 days, I went to the dr and demanded them to do another PET scan and CT scan, because the cancer was gone. The dr's said, what faith and confidence you show, but it would literally take a miracle like no other for the 37 tumors found the third time, to have shrunk or even more disappear. He said, "You just have to face the fact that it is your father's time". I said nope, it's not, do the freaking scans!. Six and a half hours later, the dr came into the room and said "I have no clue how to tell you this or how this is even possible, but all 37 tumors have completely disappeared". It was a victory, but the fact still remains, my father is approaching 80 now, and I know his time is coming. And NOTHING ANYONE can say or do, will or can prepare you for losing a parent. I know this may not seem helpful, but it's just being honest. You have to understand, they will be in a better place, and you will see them again one day. It's not the end, it is just the beginning.

Accepting that fact, is what is starting this. I don't think I could accept it. I don't think I would be able to get over that. Even when I have good moments now, I start to feel gulity for not worrying about my mom. She is getting tired of dealing with this too tht its causing her stress. And my bf doesn't like I am on antidepressants. I feel so alone right now. I feel like I'm pushing people away I just want this to go away. I am trying to return to my faith and going to church. My mom said to pray when I have anxiety. That's what she did when she lost her mom. I hate not having control it adds to my anxiety.

Hello and welcome!

You have received some great support and advice so far...

...so I will just add some of our helpful links for managing anxiety and panic...right here for easy access. :)


Self Help sites with breathing/relaxation exercises instructions

Panic attack relief exercises:

www.psybersquare.com/anxiety/panic_relax_I 

www.stress-relief-exercises.com/


Practicing these coping skills daily will make a big difference!

Keep posting with us anytime for sharing and support!

Scaredy Cat

I don't think I'm allowed to post my email on here, but if you click on my name - I will put it in there for you.

Blu's Mama said...
Ally,
I'm 24 years old, and have been glued to my mom's side since the moment I was born. Although I had my dad in my life, he left all parenting, support, and love up to my mom. She is one of the greatest loves of my life. And I am an only child, so sometimes I catch myself going to those scary thoughts, too, of "what will I do when..."

All I can say, is that coping skills, meditation, deep breathing, and coming here has helped me immensely. Something about knowing you're not alone in these scary circumstances is enough to get me through it, and i hope this forum provides that type of support for you, too.

Wow, I feel like you can relate to me with that. My mom adopted me as a single parent and she is my best friend. And I am an only child. I don't have any family other than my mom which is why I think I am so scared to lose her. I also what if. I need to learn coping skills. I am very attacehd to people and things. I really like the support I have here, I know I'm not alone. I really appeciate your response, I feel like you are in a similar family sitaution as me and you are around my age. I feel like everyone around me doesn't give a care in the world but loss like I do.

AllyM47 said...
I'm good for about 10 mins and then my mind wanders. Jennings, I wish I could live in the now. I have a great life. Which is why I don't know why this is hitting me now. I'm going to look for CBT for help. I feel like that's my last option. Today is such a bad day, 3rd day on Lexapro, and probably one of the worst days Ive had. This community shows me that I'm not alone.

I know you can't see it now, but there is SO much power in recognizing that you had 10 minutes of being OK. Now you know it's at least possible. Hang on to that. You WILL have times that you're ok, those few 10 minutes will turn to 12...then 15...then 30, etc. Really try to at least find comfort in knowing that relief is possible. A day is only a series of minutes. I hear you though, when the anxiety is at the worst, minutes seem like hours.

You don't need to wait for a therapist to start working CBT (although i HIGHLY recommend getting one), use the links that S.C. posted, and this book...

www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Phobia-Workbook-Edmund-Bourne/dp/1626252157/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1452543326&sr=8-1&keywords=the+anxiety+and+phobia+workbook

...is a classic. You can download it for a kindle, its usually readily available @ barnes & noble too, you can start working TODAY.

You CAN choose to stop obsessing over scary thoughts. It's simple, not easy, but simple. You can recognize the thought, say "ok, there's a scary thought" and let it go. And when it returns, 3 seconds later, do the same thing. It's not about "not thinking" about something, the second you want to stop thinking a thought, I guarantee you that the thought will be at the forefront of your mind. You acknowledge it, but then also acknowledge that it's "just" a scary thought and you are allowed to let it go. The more you do it, the more letting it go becomes the habit and vs. thinking>>worrying>>obsessing.

In DBT (slightly different than CBT), they talk about being out of the "range of tolerance", meaning, you're so panic stricken that you're not able to think straight enough to even consider doing the CBT work, they call this, being in "crisis" and these are the 3 ways they suggest stopping it in it's tracks. It doesn't "cure" anything, but can sometimes snap you out of the worry spiral:

TIP your body chemistry
T = Temperature (use ice or warmth to change body temperature)
I = Intense exercise
P = Progressive Relaxation

p.s. Your boyfriend (or husband or parent) doesn't have a say in how you choose to do the work. If your dr and you think medication is the way to go, then that's the end of the story.

CBT = cognitive behavioral therapy. It teaches you to look at your thoughts and challenge them. Thoughts aren't real.

p.s. Everyone can walk. Go to the store, by some Ensure and get moving. Being alone thinking about how bad you feel just makes it worse.