hello everyone Im new to this

Well where do I start. Ive been having anxiety for as long as I can remember. When I was a child I would tell my parents my heart was feeling week it would beat really fast and I thought something was wrong. They got very scared as Im sure any parent would and I was brought to the very best doctors they could bring me too. All of the test came back fine and I went about my life. At the time I didn't know what it was...I was only a kid 7-8 years old. Needless to say a good ten years passed and I was 17-18 and working out heavy feeling great. I was very social and always having a great time drinking,smoking pot….life of the party type with lots of friends. Around this time I was taking a fat burner and didn't think too much of it until I was woken up one night and felt server fear as if my life is about to end as if this was it. It was a summer night i remember cause I went outside in my boxer shorts and fell to my knees and prayed. I figured it was the pills and discontinued them and didn't think about the feelings again went about my life. So 21-22 and I was working in an office selling mortgages and not doing so well with that and always felt stressed. I went outside to smoke a cigg and again I got this feeling of impending doom like I was about to die. I called an ambulance and was rushed to the ER. I got blood work done and chest x-ray all was normal. I was told it was a panic attack they gave me a xanex and sent me home. I was so depressed over this and found it hard to do anything. I would always get anxiety attacks and get so depressed after. I started to see a shrink stopped smoking pot didn't drink and it helped so much I loved it. I was given Paxil and it helped a lot. I felt "normal" again. I can't remember how long I was on it but on a trip with friends I thought screw it and didn't take it any longer and felt good….I really felt as if I had my stuff together. I started working with a cousin at his butcher shop and fell in love with that craft I cooked it was and still is amazing to me. I met a girl I was really into and life once again went on and didn't think too much of the anxiety. As my relationship went on and we learned more about one another I found out she was a extremely depressed person that had many issues and leaded even more when i saw scares on her body. I thought OMG this amazing person whom Im in love with is suffering so much I must help and I really tried to show her different view on things and life. Told her about myself and how I would feel the whole nine. I really helped this girl and her family would tell me all the time. she told me she wanted to move away and go to school but didn't cause of me and she didn't wanna loose me bla bla.

Four years later having trouble with issues I felt as if I was lost but I was deep in love and she was doing great and because of her I was happy however now she wanted to go to that school and is in fact going I was crushed I was acting foolish and mean. I as well as her parents and sister helped her move and she did. Then we would fight and broke up it was hell really and truly. I tried to get her back and the more I didn't the more she was pushed away. she blocked my number I could contact her nothing. about 8 months passed and I saw her in pictures with another guy now I know this is normal but 8 months??I was even more heart broken moths passed I saw other women but nothing helped I still always thought about her. Four months later called her she was happy to hear from me and we talked She told me she has a boyfriend(after some Facebook stalking I found out it was her landlords son) and I got so upset and told her I never want to speak to her again she cried and that was it.

Now its a year later and I have really bad anxiety attacks I went to the doctor…again all test come back good however I have this fear while Im having an attack that its real this time and Im gonna die. i smoked pot again with a friend that I really don't connect with Ive just known him for a while so we hang out smoke and I had a horrible attack another time at my cousins house and at my brothers all horrible and all of the times I was stoned so again I stopped and I still have them. last night I had a real bad one and tonight too but tonight was longer. Its the depression thats the worst part. I feel so crapy and think if I was dead it would be better. I would never hurt myself I have a family that loves me so much I would never do such a thing and also I find it odd that I get scared to die then get depressed and have terrible thoughts like this. In the past I had many friends and always had them to lean on Id go out have a blast got over other girls cause their was always something to do but now all my friends are married have kids and are busy with life. Im now 32 single…no one to hang out with and feel all alone and so sad. I almost never sleep well and Im depressed. I wish I handled my break up differently and feel like Ill never connect with a girl the way i did with her. I wish someone would help me the way I helped her maybe I have to do it for myself but its hard to get going I feel hopeless and again so sad. I really long for a relationship but also have trust issues….I dunno…life is awesome I know this but right now I really feel stuck and again just sad.

I know this post is long and I told you all a brief story of my life. I can't wright at all so please don't judge but my feelings are real and I figured Id be honest with you all.

Hi Franki and welcome,

I am sorry to hear of your returning struggles with A/P and depression. We understand how that feels, and want you to know we are here to listen and care anytime.


I echo Sylk's suggestions of revisiting the idea of medication and/or therapy if you've not gone that gone that route again already.

We also have some really great self help material at the top of the main forum page here (Resources)...so be sure and check that out.

I do encourage you to stay positive as far as finding the right relationship in the future. It will happen, and when it does, it will be worth the wait.:)

It is easy to idealize someone, looking back. We miss the person/relationship...and only remember the good aspects. However, it sounds like things were not as rosy as you are recalling.

We can't help someone with their own personal battles (other than support of course)...and it sounds like she may be carrying the old struggles into her new situation...unless she has sought treatment for her depression and self harm.

The most successful relationships are those where two people come together, whole and happy...

...seeking to feel your best should be your number one priority...and that is when the good things you want from life will fall into place.:)

Wishing you the best in getting back into a good anxiety management plan! We are here for your support, so keep posting.:)

Scaredy Cat

That is great!...

...and I can see from your determination, and positive outlook that you are going to do very well.:)

If there is some something that you'd particularly like to get working on (most challenging issue)...let me know and I'll be happy to post the appropriate links from our Resources directly here for you.

Keep talking with us...support is key!

S.C.

AnxiousTexan your absolutely right with your analogy. Its really is like a dam that breaks cause of build up tension.

Has anyone tried yoga for this?? I was also thinking about that.

Yoga and/or meditation...both quiets the mind and body, and can be very beneficial.:)

It really does not matter what causes our anxieties in life, but it sure matters how we deal with it. This forum has some excellent self help available and they all work for most people, some more than others but we are all a little different.

CBT and Mindfulness are my favorites but i got a lot of help from group therapy, you are not going to make things worse so pick something and try it out. Over the years i have found out that if something distracts me from thinking
about fearful things it help me to break out of the panic and anxiety. Find a doctor you can trust, take his/her advice,
put it to use, if you are prescribed meds take as prescribed.

Mostly just live, you are young and life is there for you, why practice dying every day any amateur can do it the first try! Keep your face toward the sun and the wind at your back, quit looking behind you, the future is straight ahead. Peace
Larry ***