Posted 2/20/2016 11:06 PM (GMT 0)
Hello all! I am back, I know it's been several weeks (maybe longer, I honestly cannot remember) since I've posted anything.
If you want to skip my lengthy update, scroll down to my last paragraph instead :)
I originally posted about a random, out of the blue panic attack (mid-December) that knocked me right on my behind and left me wondering if I'd ever be normal again. Since then, I've tried Zoloft (no good, made me feel like I was on speed and gave horrible insomnia) and then after a couple weeks of nothing but occasional Ativan and CBT (I was feeling decent at this time, not great but functional) I decided to give Paxil a go. Though I had been feeling a bit better with just the Ativan, I was still subject to mild-moderate depression (could partially be effects from Ativan) and was having a hard time relaxing. Instead of panic-type anxiety, it was more like constant thoughts, obsessing over things like breathing, etc.
So enter Paxil, around January 16th I believe. Honestly didn't feel any side effects from the Paxil at first, other than a little boost in my energy. I was still taking the Ativan (low dose, twice a day) but after my 3rd or 4th day of Paxil, I quit taking the Ativan. I thought "hey, I'm feeling pretty well, and it won't hurt to stop taking it now rather than later" and boy was I wrong. I remember waking up on the 21st of Jan and feeling nausea and a slight headache. No big deal though, probably just a little bug. These feelings worsened throughout that day. The morning of the 22nd, I woke up early because my daughter had an early appt (that I made while I was feeling well, silly me) and I was feeling absolutely horrible the entire appt and thereafter. The nausea, no appetite, horrible headache, constipation, etc were ever present, which of course increased my anxiety (I also have health anxiety and hate taking pills) to the point that I was in a full blown panic attack the remainder of the day, until I was knocked into sleep by half and Ambien.
When I woke up on the 23rd, it was about 5 am and I woke in a panic attack. I couldn't relax, no matter how much deep breathing, distraction, meditating or anything else I did could pull me from this nightmare I was experiencing. Of course, the critic in me kept saying "it's the Paxil, you must stop immediately!" Of course, this was a Saturday, which meant I couldn't call my primary doc or my therapist and nobody in my close circle of friends/family knew what to do to help me. I was having terrible nightmares, thoughts of dying (not self harm, but just thinking I wouldn't care if I died at that point), on top of the physical symptoms and such. So I did what felt reasonable and rational to me and had a friend drive me to the ER. There I waited in the waiting room for nearly 3 hours, just to have them tell me that there was nothing to be done and that I'd have to ride it out until Monday and that I could get away with not taking the Paxil.
And so I did just that, spent the next day sick in bed, crying and wanting to die. Monday wasn't much better but I was able to eat something, which I'm sure helped a bit. I talked to my therapist, which helped ease my mind slightly, but much damage was already done. It took me nearly a week to get my strength back, be able to eat again, to even function really. I saw my doctor once during that time, and she insisted that after speaking with my therapist and another psychiatrist, I start to take the Paxil again. I asked her if I could wait until Feb 1st (a Monday) to start again, as I wanted to give myself a little more time and see how I felt with just the occasional Ativan.
And guess what?! I started to feel better, like I had in January after Zoloft and before Paxil. No, not completely better, but well enough that I was getting things done, much more cheerful, had a hearty appetite and all around more functional. This was great. Felt like this from about Feb 1st until... Feb 16th I would say. Again, started having that nauseous/headache feeling, increasingly fatigued, heightened anxiety (all this time not on any SSRI and only taking Ativan as needed). Two nights ago, I was back to no appetite, full panic attack that would not go away, not even with Ativan. Yesterday I woke up in a panic, complete with parasthesia, muscle tensing, etc. Breathing didn't help, meditation didn't help, nothing was working. I felt myself going right back to where I had been. My primary doc got me on the schedule and after seeing her yesterday afternoon, she wants me to meet with a different psychiatrist to make sure I've been properly evaluated.
One thing I have noticed is that these hard times I have seen to corelate with ovulation (I track my cycle monthly) and I mentioned that to my doc.. She says it is possibly hormone related but can't be sure until some testing is done. So possible PMDD? Not sure. Either way, I'm looking forward to those good days and using what I've learned so far in CBT to the best of my ability. Feeling slightly foolish for not giving the Paxil a better chance, though I don't know that I want to give it another go. Originally it had been suggested that I take Celexa, but ended up choosing Paxil instead (due to my own research and a family member who has had great success with it).
Now my dilemma is - do I give another medication a go? And if I do choose to try something, what? I know that none of you are medically inclined to tell me but I'm curious about people's experiences with Celexa and/or Prozac. Any input is appreciated.