Waiting for HIV Test Results

Briefly here's my situation: I work in China where every year we undergo a medical check (all public workers do, not just foreigners). I am technically still married with a Chinese woman, though the marriage fell apart after two months (don't ask please ;( . We had unprotected vaginal sex about five times. Aside from the marriage issue, I tried to be safe- I read that before marriage the bride and groom have to have a medical check, but none was given. Then I was married and figured that was that and any HIV danger didn't worry me any more.
My wife is also a public school teacher. She told me that she had her medical checkup in September and everything was fine. She clearly said, 'Don't worry- I don't have HIV.' There is no rational reason for me not to believe her.
She is my only risk factor. I heard it said, 'assume your past partner was affected.' I think that's harsh but I can assume that it's conceivable that she was infected and even had a high viral load when we had sex. All in all my chances for infection are quite low (but this is what we obsess on- numbers games and all that- and we OCD people don't have much compassion either for the person who may have infected us, or other HIV positive people in general, sadly).
They took my blood on Tuesday and now the results are in the mail (actually there was a group of us). We don't get a clear answer on the results, but they do tell you explicitly if there was a problem. If you had HIV, they would definitely tell you and they would not renew your contract.
As I don't know exactly when I'll know (when the next set of paperwork is done I'll know the test was negative), every day I feel a sense of morbidity, anxiety, and dread. I don't feel it all day, but parts of the day. Although I rationally assess my HIV risk as negligible, it actually feels like a 20% risk. I fantasize about how I can begin a new life as an HIV positive person, and how my boss will hand breaking the 'bad news' to me. I think about the confirmatory test and how I'll feel through that.
Tomorrow I will see my psychiatrist and I suppose I could talk her into giving me a ten minute blood test for HIV, the time it takes for a negative result. But we both agreed that such behavior only reenforces the OCD. If I were negative or positive, getting an extra test won't change that. How can I deal with anxiety now? As, despite my anxiety, I receive a negative result as I can only imagine I will, I'll be getting a sort of high off that relief. I just want to sit through this and try to carry on my life normally.
I've tried meditation, prayer, journals- but for decades now I can't seem to shake the fear that goes along with an HIV test. I can only assume the severe trauma and panic attacks of my first HIV test and the year after must have scared me for life. If and when I realize that I'm HIV negative I need to learn to not celebrate that fact, that it's not 'over.' the fear is still within me and will likely crop again. In other words, I need to deal with HIV phobia when there is no test coming for a long time. And I need to stay safe. However, as humans, I doubt that most of us, or many of us anyway, aren't without some risk.
I wish I could be more constructive. All I can say is that I'm going through this AGAIN and it never easy- always worse than I thought it would be.

Joey, I will only say this once, and i expect several people will jump all over me but here go's.
Your a man, for you to contact hiv thru normal intercourse "with an infected woman", is almost nil,
you would have to have an open wound on your penis and receive an exchange of body fluid, "blood",
you don't get it by kissing, sneezing, ect. You must receive infected body fluid from the host, or use
and infected needle, transfusion, i think you must have the idea by now. On the other hand a man can
infect a woman with his semen, this seems very unfair but its the Truth! Peace

Larry ***

I'm doing pretty well today. Sometimes I almost 'give in' to the 'fact' that I'm HIV negative (too remote to even consider). I say 'give in' because for the obsessive mind uses worry and fear of a bad outcome to complete its cycle of anxiety/discomfort and relief. Rationality or irrationality are irrelevant- that is 'third party observer ' (which ultimately the victim has to develop within) to use as tools for realistic conclusions. Since nothing can be said for absolute certain in terms of safety, the obsessive trigger in the dysfunction will always have something to use for the spiraling OCD cycle.
Unfortunately the obsessive part of my personality doesn't allow my psyche to stay rational very long and plans, the next week, life in general goes on hold again and reality feels 'tainted' by the specter of being confronted with a positive test result (which I know is not going to happen but my mind can't let go of it). Then I forget all about for a few hours, often it comes back but bothers me just for a moment.
Until now I ALWAYS got tested before my official test because I was too scared. I realize it's imagining the humiliation that frightens me. Now I'm not sure when I'll know. Sometime next week our papers will be processed and I'll know. I refuse to get tested for 'peace of mind' because it doesn't work. That is to say, you get it over with but it doesn't really help you to cope. So this is new for me.
My daughter is living with me (she's studying Chinese medicine) and has the same kind of OCD patterns as I do. Her HIV test really frightened her as well and in her case we did get a same day test as she really wanted one. She was negative. I've decided that instead of focusing on me me me I need to focus on her and helping her no matter what happens to me. That not only helps, but it's the way it should be. I don't talk about my anxiety over this med check as I don't want to stress her out. I think I'm protecting her and making myself stronger too.

Post Edited (joey25) : 5/27/2016 9:36:00 AM (GMT-6)

Hi joey25, I also have OCD and was really terrified some years ago that I had been infected with either HIV or some type of hepatitis after I accidentally punctured my finger on a dirty syringe while cleaning out the back seat of my taxicab after my shift was over. And, needless to say, I had a very high level of anxiety about this for several months until I was tested for these diseases, and several others, and given a clean bill of health. So I recommend that you find a doctor who will give you your test results; otherwise you will most likely continue to worry.

Best Wishes, oslooskar

PS> My son is also working in China at the moment.

Thanks oslooskar and as always, S.C.
I would definitely obsess over something like that, and as you might imagine with an obssesion for statistics, risks, and googlitis I have learned some things. Last year I was afraid that a rabies vaccine in Laos might have given me HIV as I heard that conditions in Laos were very poor. That might be so, but I got the vaccine at the main Lao government clinic in the capital and everything looked quite in order. Anyway, I eventually found out that HIV dies within a minute or so of being exposed to air. As few people were in the clinic and I watched the nurse open the syringe package, my conclusion is that route would be almost impossible, if not impossible. The hep viruses last a lot longer and are more of a concern- but I'm actually not very afraid of Hep.
My story is not a one time deal but a twenty-five history of compulsively seeking out HIV tests to ease my terrible anxiety. With this med check, believe me, they'll tell me if I'm HIV + and also tell me to leave the country. It doesn't destroy any chance of coming back, but it would make it quite difficult to work here. In any case knowing now, or knowing at the end of the week really won't make a difference. I need to learn to live with the fear and diminish it. Not act out.

What does your son do here, if I may ask?

Some weeks later and I'm sure now that the HIV test results were negative. I'd like to mention again that the medical check here in China for a working visa is bureaucratic procedure- if you check through healthy, you won't hear anything about your results. However, you can be sure that if there is something wrong you will hear about it. If I were HIV positive I would have been packing my bags two weeks ago.
My daughter is a lot like me in the anxiety/OCD department (nature? nurture?) and she had the same check for a student visa just before me. She couldn't stand the waiting and we went to a private hospital to get her tests done, which also were all negative.
Twenty-five years ago this hellish phobia began for me and in two years time I was tested by five different in five different clinics and still was not convinced that I did not have AIDS (I was psychosomatic, literally). Years went by and mostly HIV phobia would become just a bad memory, only to crop up again. I've described in this forum various ways I've tried to deal with it. Until recently I went with independent testing, and I think that worked well at the time, but in the progress of a disorder strategies are always changing.
This time I focused hard on positive thinking, because, if I might interject this hear as I'm sure all you phobia folks can relate to it- if I think there's a one in a million chance of something bad happening, I fixate on the notion 'what if I'm the one in a million (someone is)?' As it spirals, one in a million can feel like one in three or fifty-fifty.
This time, waiting for my visa, every time I got scared I held my breath and thought the unthinkable: "I don't have HIV. I don't have HIV." At first there was great resistance in me: imagine how devastating it will be if I do and I'm not prepared; what of the people who are positive- aren't I showing a lack of compassion?; shouldn't I be planning some contingency if I do? But more than anything, 'I don't have HIV' just seemed way too good to be true. I couldn't believe in it or have faith in it. But after some time, my morbid feelings became less powerful and less frequent and I started forgetting about HIV altogether. Finally, the idea that I did not have HIV became much stronger than the idea that I did. When I was told that my papers had gone on to the next stage in the process, there was some relief (because that meant a negative result) but I didn't bounce around the walls. I'm not going to reenforce that anxiety/relief pattern anymore. Instead, it has made me reexamine these disease phobia patterns in my life and general and how I can beat them.

A negative is a positive! Good for you. Sounds like you're making good progress coping with your mind and re-enforcing a good attitude. Wishing you continued success and health.