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Posted 6/11/2016 3:17 AM (GMT 0)
I just returned from a frantic trip. Last week, the nursing home where my Dad lives (with last stage Alzheimer's) called saying he probably had 24 hours or less to live. My sister who has been living near him for the past 3 years was out of the country. I cared for him the years before that along with my step mother who is no longer living. In a matter of hours, I had to arrange a flight, a rental car and fly/drive up to be there. I had mega panic attacks and trouble thinking clearly throughout the trip.

I have returned home after a week there (he made unexpected improvement) knowing he is continuing to have trouble with swallowing and choking and could aspirate. At this point it is in God's hands, and my sister is there. My reason for racing to be there was so that he would have a loved one at his side when he passed.

I guess this is a post of updating. I do have trouble in this situation not trying to numb out the pain with medication or alcohol. My coping skills at this level are not really strong enough yet. I haven't had a chance to see my therapist (will see her Tuesday). Thanks for reading my rambling!
Posted 6/11/2016 9:33 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Lucy

Sorry to hear about your Dad but pleased he has made an improvement.

Well done for making it up to see him I can see how anxiety provoking that would be so don't be to hard on yourself and you being there probably helped in your Dad's improvement. It is hard to see a loved one progress with a disease (I know as my Dad has Parkinson's) but we need to stay strong for them.

If you have been prescribed medication I would take it as prescribed as it will help with your anxiety/panic but maybe it is best to avoid alcohol.

Keep us posted we are here for you.

Hibee
Posted 6/11/2016 11:38 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you for writing back, Hibee. I actually have been prescribed .5 Xanax/day with an extra .5 when needed. I didn't go beyond that, but you are right...alcohol is probably not a great idea.

I drink an occasional glass of wine which my Dr. knows about and has not been upset with me about, but during this week I was drinking 2 or 3. I just was so stressed I could not come up with healthy ways that were effective. (Breathing, meditating, mindfulness, games on the computer, etc...nothing distracted or calmed me.)

I feel calmer now that I am home, but I still have to work at not perseverating about the fact that Dad is likely to pass soon. This has gone on for 10 years since the original hemorrhagic stroke which changed him forever.

Thank you for your encouragement! I want very much to stop being so hard on myself. I tend to turn everything in...hence, the reason I suffer depression. I really appreciate your caring!
Posted 6/11/2016 4:43 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Lucy,

I am so sorry to hear of your father's fragile health, and the stressful trip you recently had to make.

I will keep your family in my prayers for sure!

Keep practicing your coping skills. ..as this is the only way to get stronger in the techniques. (see our Resources)

I hope your upcoming appointment with your therapist brings helpful results.:)

With support,

S.C.
Posted 6/11/2016 7:23 PM (GMT 0)
Lucy
Stay strong you are in my prayers ..I'm glad your dad has made some improvements..he's strong man and a fighter..so are you..
Hugs and kisses
Posted 6/11/2016 7:45 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Lucy, sorry about your Dad. My Mom has been in and out of the hospital 4 times in the last year with rehab stays each time and now she is in a nursing home full time as she needs 24 hour care so I can definitely relate to the stress that you are going through. She is becoming a shell of who she was and the slide really was fast.

I will say this though, I think sometimes we don't give ourselves enough credit for what we do. Look at what you had to go through to get there and help for the week with the stress and panic attacks yet you still were able to accomplish everything you set out to do, which would be a lot for anyone, even someone who handles stress very well. That you had a couple of extra drinks to cope but are fully aware that it's not the way to go in the long term is still a pretty good sense of awareness. Sometimes we are so quick to beat ourselves up for things that we actually did well and you seem to realize that as well. Sometimes it would be nice if we could just say to ourselves 'nice job' instead we over think our situation and don't give ourselves any credit when it is deserved. To me it seems like you handled things pretty well so I hope you can give yourself some credit for what you've done right.

I wish you and your Dad all the best...Jim
Posted 6/11/2016 9:06 PM (GMT 0)
SC, prew, and Jim,

Thank you so much for the kind words! I feel such support and understanding from all of you, and Hibee. (Something my family is not able to give.) It is rare to have others who can relate to the severity of our condition - especially in times which "normal" people would feel stress.

I so appreciate the prayers. I also appreciate the comments from Jim on giving myself credit. My therapist says I am a "badass". Not something I would normally say, but in reference to my situation in life, I love it! (Even thinking of getting a small tattoo of it.)

*trigger warning* My Dad was my first abuser, so I have such incredibly mixed feelings. He is still my Dad and I have forgiven him. I love him and do not like seeing him suffer. In this condition, he does not know me and looks at me strangely. I was still able to let him know that I love him and don't want him to be in pain. Also, that my stepmom is in Heaven waiting for him.

It's amazing the responses from the body when I write these words. It causes so many uncomfortable feelings and makes me ill. I am breathing as I write and feeling the sofa underneath me to ground myself. Thank God for skills I have learned. Without them, I don't know where I would be...and thank God for you kind people and your support and willingness to read my words.
Posted 6/11/2016 9:08 PM (GMT 0)
What a week! I'd have trouble too. Prayers to you.
Posted 6/11/2016 9:32 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you, Rsp,

It has indeed been rough. Thank you for the prayers!
Posted 6/11/2016 9:50 PM (GMT 0)
Lucy,

Sadly my Dad was the source of most of our anxiety and self esteem issues. Growing up with a man who physically and emotionally abused us on a regular basis and who seemed to love his alcohol more then us took its toll. I had an off and on relationship with him until he passed away in 2003. Before he died he was suffering from complications from diabetes and I really had mixed feelings over the whole process myself. I would go from hating him to loving him at the drop off a hat. I truly did not forgive him until about 2 to 3 years before he died but I really learned to allow myself the freedom of any negative emotions I had towards him. I felt I owed it to myself to embrace those mixed emotions. To this day my memory of him still stirs up many mixed emotions, some of anger, some of love, some of sadness. A part of me came to accept that he did the best he could coming from his background which sadly was even worse then the one he created for us. But for me forgiving him and accepting the situation still does not undo all the emotional damage that was done to our family.

Even though I have come a long way and have processed my past and accepted where I've come from it still stirs up a lot deep inside just typing this. I rarely talk about this subject anymore because I really spent an eternity on it in the past and am happy(?) with the knowledge I've gained as to how it shaped me. I know in the past anything relating to my Dad stirred up the biggest and wildest rides of emotions.

On a lighter note while I am past the age where tattoos interest me personally, I think a small badass tattoo would be pretty cool.....Jim
Posted 6/11/2016 10:35 PM (GMT 0)
Jim,

Thank you for sharing those feelings about your Dad. Again, I get such comfort from sharing with those who can understand. It helps to assure me I am truly not alone. I am surrounded by those who believe I should just "get over my past".

I'm past the age where I should get tattoos, but I think this one would be worthwhile and agree - pretty cool.
Posted 6/12/2016 12:07 AM (GMT 0)
....more hugs Lucy...

Sorry to hear of the difficult dynamic and mixed feelings concerning caring for your father...

...you are very strong.

S.C.
Posted 6/12/2016 5:08 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Lucy you are not alone, there is a boat load of us who suffered at the hands of a parent, not supposed to be that way but it is what it is.
My Granddad once told me something i have never forgotten, he knew about my dad, he said Larry its bad enough that he was so mean to you but that is in the past, if it still bothers you then its your fault, I didnt really understand and i said so. He said every time you start thinking about the pain and let it cause you grief you are abusing yourself, you are allowing it to happen all over again because you tend to wallow in your past pain. I remember it well, i started crying but then i realized Granddad was right I was allowing it to happen almost every day, slowly i started to pull away from the painful thoughts, then one day i was able to do as you have, "I forgave him", Peace
Larry ***
Posted 6/12/2016 2:03 PM (GMT 0)
SC and Larry,

Thank you!

I still have flashbacks which make things difficult, but I truly forgave him, and when I do have flashbacks, I remind myself it's not happening now and I am safe.

I am much calmer now that I am home and know he is 500 miles away. The phone call when he passes will still hurt.
Posted 6/13/2016 5:48 AM (GMT 0)
Yes it will, my Dad passed at age 65, "bleeding ulcer". I drove from Texas to Southern Illinois with my Wife and two Daughters I only had four days to get his house ready to sell, the funeral home let me bury him pending the sale of his house, it was hectic, the strangest thing happened on the trip home,
I was ashamed of the way i felt, "It was like a huge weight was lifted off me and i did not want to be that kind of person". My shrink later told me it was quite normal and i was not a bad person, Lucy he was only bad to me when he was drinking, sober he was very civil, after one drink my Mother and I would try to hide at my Grandparents home. Peace

Larry ***
Posted 6/13/2016 5:57 PM (GMT 0)
Lucy,

I am so sorry to hear of this news.
I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Wishing you the best and please know we are all here for you every step of the way.
Posted 6/13/2016 8:12 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you, Larry and Blu's Mama!

I am hoping to feel relief when this is over. I so appreciate the kind words and prayers.

Larry, I am fortunate to not have to deal with the financial end of things, my Dad is in a nursing home and the house is already sold, so hopefully, it will not be a burden on my sister.

I continue to work on my coping skills and hope to heal before my life is over...this anxiety and depression has gone on more than long enough!
Posted 6/13/2016 10:11 PM (GMT 0)
Lucy, do you see that light, thats the end of the tunnel, when you emerge it will be like being shot out
of a cannon of misery, into the "Light". Peace

Larry ***
Posted 6/14/2016 1:07 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you, Larry! I think I see a glimmer.
Posted 6/14/2016 4:23 AM (GMT 0)
Walk out into the night and look at the stars, breath, laugh inside, Love always, Peace

Larry ***
Posted 6/15/2016 1:51 AM (GMT 0)
Lucy ?
Posted 6/17/2016 12:49 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you, Larry. I am okay. I'm sorry, I missed those last posts. I am breathing and hanging in there. Looking forward to this passing, but letting go for now. I will go out tonight when the stars come out and enjoy.

It is cooling here and I am appreciating the physical break from the heat. It is a beautiful world out there! We are having some storms outside, but I actually enjoy summer storms and the clean air and relief from humidity they bring. Thank you for the support!
Posted 6/18/2016 3:47 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Kid, we all were concerned, Peace

Larry ***
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