ROCD - Obsession with my partner's height

First of all, sorry for my English, as I am not a native speaker. I hope that you will be able to help me. I feel so lonely, and my thoughts are eating me inside. The anxiety and stress is so strong that I start to have suicidal thoughts. My obsessive thoughts started from my childhood. As I can remember myself, I always had obssessive thoughts. It had different topics: I was obsessed about death, (my death, death of my parents), then about religion, and feeling guilty to have bad thoughts. (at that time I was calling them demons inside my brain) Then I start to have obsessive thoughts about my appearance. I was feeling ugly, and I would check myself every 5 minutes in the mirror and this obsession was destroying myself. When my thoughts are capturing my mind, I bacome obsessive, mad, annoyed, crying everyday, depressive... I just can get those thoughts out of my mind. I can't sleep, can function normally. I become very angry and agressive towards people.

This year I met amazing man. A man probably most girls would like to date. He is caring, loving, he has strong personality. I always wanted to meet a man like that. Before him I dated another guy, and we broke up, because he was abusive and jelaous. And also he was kind of short. (5'10 - 178cm) And he was making this a huge issue, as he was insecure. After breaking up I told my friends that now I will date only tall men. Now, a guy which I am currently dating is 183cm. He is handsome and fit. But my friend told me that he is kind of short and we dont match. I was very angry at her and told that I like him and he is really hadsome, so I dont care. But the thoughts of height stuck in my head. In the beginning the thougts were weak and did not hurt me very much. When we start to date I told to myself that Im not planning anything. Let's see what will happen. But when I start to feel love, and my feelings start to get stronger day by day these thoughts of height start to become louder and louder. And they went out of control. When I was thinking on marriage and so on, my brain would think about height. So I did a very big mistake, I started to google about height, and it totally increased my anxiety, I even start to have panic attacks. IN forums people would say that how tall guys are strong, and successful. So short guys won't make any better in their lifes. And the girls who date them are just settling.. Then after that everytime when I would go out on a date with him I would think that people are laughing at us, or they think that we are just "loser" couple. Or they would see us as a weak people. And if taller guy would attack my bf, he would beat him. Plus I start to compare his height to every male and female around us, which increased my anxiety even more. I start to have panic attacks in crowded places. And also, I start to see him very small, smaller than me. I am 172 cm. And I have obsessive thoughts that maybe he is 175 or 178 and lies to me that he is 183, because we look as the same height. Also, my another friend was talking how cool that his bf is tall bla bla bla which made me bery anxious. I'm crying everyday, I refuse to go out because Im checking the height of people. And I kinda hate people who is tall. Even I dont want to stand next to my dad as he is 189cm. I am afraid that when he will meet my family, he will be the shortest one and everyone will laugh at us. He wants to travel the world. But I am afraid that we will be the shortest in Europe and people will beat us. I know this is irrational but I cant stop them. These thoughts are so loud in my brain that I dont know how to get rid of them... In the forums people write that taller guys will always be stronger. This is fact, and they dont respect smaller guys... I want him to be respected
I love him... I love him really much. Even though my thoughts are telling me to run away from him, Im not gonna give up. I want to marry him and have children. But these thoughts are so strong that now I lost control over everything. These days I am thinking about suicide. I think it would be less harmful one.

I am stuck in my room. I dont go out anymore, I dont want to meet people. As everyone seems to be giants next to me and my bf. I don't want to work because I am afraid that I will meet a tall guy at work and fall in love. Plus I realized that I start to become very angry and agressive towards taller people... I cant stand to stand next to them... It makes me even more anxious.
Did anyone had the same thoughts? And how did you managed them? What should I do to overcome this. Are this issua rally silly, or is it still important?
P.S: place where I live people do not have much knowledge about OCD or ROCD. Even pshycologists can't help. So I am desperately waiting for your answer.

Post Edited (Seltenetchik) : 8/25/2016 12:20:39 AM (GMT-6)

Thank you very much for your advices and warm words. I really try to be calm, and realize that these fears are irrational. But I don't know how can I decrease the thoughts, and live my life for the fullest.
I hope forums will help me to fight with that.

Hello and welcome,

I am very sorry you are suffering with these thoughts. I don't have the same kind of worries...but know what it is to have irrational fears that won't seem to let go...:(

I echo Hibee's advice about searching a doctor who can help you make a treatment plan. I know it may not be easy due to the area you live...but OCD/anxiety is pretty common, so keep looking!

We do have some self help for OCD/intrusive thoughts in our Resources at the top of the main forum page here. You'll find Therapy Worksheets there as well...where you can work through and challenge the thoughts that are problematic. Let me know if you'd like direct links for these tools, and I will post them for you.:)

I do so want you to get the help that you need in order to continue your relationship. ..it sounds like a good match...and it would be a shame for this anxiety to get in between you two.

Post anytime,

Scaredy Cat

If this bothers you then give the guy a break, does everyone have to be tall, handsome, talented, man
how did i ever get by, I am 5ft, 7in now when i was young i was about one inch taller, never been pretty,
yes i was very strong but a time or two i was turned down by a woman who was obsessed about height,
well us short guys can't help that, i do realize that i did many things that probably was caused by the short word, I joined the Army two weeks out of highschool, went Airborne, re enlisted in the Navy and spent six more years, it's funny, guys never discriminated against me because of my height, just girls.
I did get lucky once, met a beautiful red head and got married that was over 50 years ago. I wish you Peace and happiness any man can be good or bad, it's whats inside, and nothing else. Peace
Larry ***

Thank You everyone, for your warm words and support. It really means a lot to me.
I would like to clearify that, I don't want to offend anyone regarding height. Of course I do understand that it does not matter and should not be. People are different and no one has a right to discriminate someone based on appearance, skin color and so on. It is just thoughts in my mind which I cannot let go. I guess this how OCD works.

My bf is handsome and fit. I love him very much, I would never ever allow something like height to separate us. Just I am worried that these anxieties won't fade away and will destroy my entire relationship.

Plus, I think my own insecurities, struggles to look perfect and be accepted by people made me think that everything in my life should be perfect, like how media is showing us couples. But I will do my best to fight this thoughts.

And also, I do think that if his height would be ok, or if my friend would not comment anything would I be more calm, or my OCD would find another thing to be obsessed

One other thing, "Us short guys can really dance", lol

Peace

Larry ***