Posted 10/18/2016 11:33 PM (GMT 0)
Deborah:
You are very strong to have found this website and reached out for help.
You are also very strong for helping your son.
You're also very strong for putting up with all that stuff that your husband is putting you through.
One of the ways I know that is that I've gone through some of the same stuff you're going through.
When my wife got caught having an affair, about 20 affairs it turned out, instead of breaking down, she came after me, for 19 years according to one account, for 29 years according to another account.
There was a rock and roll song many years ago that was titled, "Only the Lonely," you can listen to it on YouTube. It goes:
Only the lonely know the way I feel tonight,
Only the lonely know this feelin' ain't right..."
The meaning of that song to me right now is, if you haven't been in that situation, you don't know how hard it is.
My wife was trying to destroy me for inadvertently stopping her affairs, although I didn't do that directly, it was a matter of our son growing up to an age where he knew why she was coming in late from work everyday.
I didn't do that, but she put it all on me.
So she tried to destroy me. So I know what it's like to be in a marriage with a child, financially not really wanting to walk out, and being caught.
I compared it to two dogs in a pit. We couldn't get out.
How did it end. My wife got a long-term illness and passed away. She's been dead for 7 years, 14 days, and 58 minutes.
And my life has been just as hard, with my neighbors taking the place of my wife, coming after a senior citizen who lives alone with emotional problems. And they'll come after you, too, I can guarantee that. It's life itself that's tough.
Your husband sounds like my wife, pathologically cruel. And with a passive spouse, with child responsibilities, and mental and physical hardships of their own.
That's part of why he's attacking. He knows you can't get away.
One thing that helped me was I read a column on being positive when trying to solve a problem (be positive going into the problem that you can solve it, it increases your chances that you will).
And you don't really have to feel sorry for yourself. I was in a self-help group, and listed my troubles, and the woman sitting next to me said, "Oh, you were having a Pity Party. We've all done that."
OK, right there in front of the other group members. A grown man being called a baby. It turned out, it was just what I needed.
It shocked me out of it. From then on, whenever I tried to feel sorry for myself, I would see that woman's face, and I would hear her voice, and it wouldn't work. I couldn't have a Pity Party after that. She had shocked me out of it.
And it really helped. I didn't waste hours of my time feeling sorry for myself. I didn't feel like the victim.
I know you feel like you're boxed it, but is there any chance in the world you can get out of that situation?
Would he have to pay child support? Would he have to help provide you with an apartment?
He sounds like he has some money. You could document things he's said, how little money you have to spend, etc.
Can you get a lawyer and find out some of these things?
Can you go on the net search engine and find "divorce rules" or something like that? If you do go on those sites, I would erase them from the memory in case your husband knows to go to go to the sites you've visited on your computer. (He does.)
That feature on my computer is, once you get on the web, top right, below the x, images of a house, a star, smiley face.
Right click on the star. The sites you've visited today and the past weeks, etc., will appear. Erase them, or at least the ones you've been on.
Only the lonely know about this one.