Need advice/thoughts/prayers... Struggling with bad music performance anxiety, concert Wednesday.

A bit of background: I'm a classical musician, currently in my second year of my Master's at a prestigious conservatory in NYC.

Since sometime in 10th grade, I've struggled with REALLY bad performance anxiety. It manifests itself in panic attacks while on stage: sweating palms, legs tensing up and pushing myself back against my seat, sometimes shortness of breath/tightness of chest, and perhaps worst of all, feelings of absolute terror and almost irresistible urges to either get up and leave, or to yell out (I don't know what words, just anything: an obscenity, a cry for help, who knows).

I have used meds (Prozac) to manage these symptoms for a while. To some extent they seemed to help, but sometimes not so much. I've occasionally gotten out of the habit of taking my meds, and have "fallen off the horse", so to speak. I once made the mistake of trying to get back on my meds less than a week before a concert, and it was just about the worst ever. As it stands now, I have not taken them in awhile (bad, I know), and tomorrow (Wednesday the 26th) I have a big orchestra concert. The piece is around 40 minutes long, without pauses, and there are long portions where I don't play a note and just sit there.

I am absolutely mortified. What can I do to calm myself down, either beforehand or in the moment? I feel so helpless out there. Generally the anxiety starts really bad, then gradually gets a bit better... And then I have sudden onsets of waves of panic that are almost unbearable. I'm not sure what is causing this, or if I will truly ever be able to get over it, but it is crippling to my career and livelihood. I have even considered giving up music, due to it, except for the fact that I notice myself having the same sort of panic attacks when I watch concerts, or when I attend other events with large amounts of people and some level of uncomfortable quiet. So it's a general anxiety problem that permeates my life; better to try and nip it in the bud overall, than to give up what I love and still struggle with it.

I love music and am good at it; the anxiety thankfully doesn't seem to affect my actual playing, as standard performance anxiety does to most people. But I just get these (admittedly, probably irrational) fears: what if I throw up? Or what if I pass out? What if I give in and the unthinkable happens and I actually yell something? What if I derail the entire performance? What if everyone is looking at me?

Basically, I am asking for any kind of panic attack/anxiety remedies you all might recommend, that I could use to calm myself. I would greatly appreciate it.

I wasn't always this way; for the first 3 or so years of performing music regularly (I've now been doing this for 12 years—my track record of surviving so far should be reassuring to me, but in the heat of the moment in the midst of an attack, it is hard to think rationally and take solace in that fact) I never had any of these thoughts. Music is a huge passion and I am studying privately with one of the world's best players of my instrument. Everything should logically be great in my life, and I should be loving and enjoying all these opportunities NYC is affording me...

But I would almost rather do anything other than go out on stage, see the stage lights go up and the audience lights go down, watch the conductor start the piece and then have the sinking realization that for the next x amount of minutes until the piece ends, I am stuck out there, trapped. It sounds illogical, but it is a horrifying, inescapable feeling at times. Sorry this is so weird. Thanks in advance for any help.

Many professional performers have talked of their intense fear--like Adele.

I recall Donnie Osmond had very bad anxiety at one point in his career and thought he couldn't go on stage anymore. His wife told him 'just for today, be average', nothing more, just average.

tela44 said...
Many professional performers have talked of their intense fear--like Adele.

I recall Donnie Osmond had very bad anxiety at one point in his career and thought he couldn't go on stage anymore. His wife told him 'just for today, be average', nothing more, just average.

Thanks. I knew about Adele, but didn't know about Osmond.

I would seek out a psychologist and get to the source of your fears and or build up your confidence.

gilly2 said...
Because of the time difference you have probably already been on the stage... I hope it went well I hope you rocked it 😊

Now that its over i think you would benefit by regular calming coping skills, there are ideas in the rescource center or you could research some to suit your specific needs. I use positive mantra when i have to be calm in a certain situ. I also do meditation with music and some with guided visulisation. These really help.

A visit to your doctor to get back on your meds (your old meds may be out of date) better to be prepared in advance , then you can enjoy your music to the full instead of dreading a performance.

Let us know how it went x

Not yet; in about 5 hours! Thanks, though. :) I'll let you know.

i am also a musician who no longer preforms. for some reason i never got stage fright . only advice i can give is know your parts so well that there wont be any doubt in your mind that you will pull off a flawless preformance. being a brass player i realise this is more difficult as a woodwind player -we always knew we would play the right note/pitch with the correct fingering

Has your doctor ever advised a beta blocker like propranolol?
It seems like this is quite commonly used for stage fright.
Sports people like pistol shooters can't use it as that would
be a performing enhancing drug from them to help keep a steady hand!

Good luck with it

Great that you wrote back and did as well as you did.

Anyway before next concert you could do a practice before group of people, family, etc., where you have a chance to play in front of a small group, but you don't have to if you don't want to.

You could just stand up and give your name, or play only a few notes, if that's all you wanted to play? Then play as many notes as you wanted to if you're calmed down?

Good job curly!

You did it well done you, A big pat on the back.

The next step see your GP sort out the meds and start to enjoy your music x