Ugh it's back again..currently sitting in urgent care parking lot.

I've been gone a while because I havent had too much to post about really!! But it's back. I wanna go into the urgent care because I feel like I can't breathe at all and I've been having chest pain. My family had a really hard year and at the end of the year my dad had a heart attack and needed a double bypass surgery and heart issues have always been a huge phobia. So that certainly set me off and now I'm worried about my parents constantly. My mom just finished radiation for breast cancer. It's been a rough year and I don't remember having such bad panic for this long of a span. It's to the point my ativan doesn't even work anymore. I was trying to come off lamictal and I couldn't once I got halfway off it set me off so I went back to 150 I was originally on 200 and I feel in a constant fog..like I don't exist and I'm living in a post apocalyptic dream world. I've been seeing a cardiologist. Because my heart rate gets so high when I stand up. I've had all the tests and he thinks I have a disorder called POTS which isn't my actual heart but a malfunction in the system that controls heart rate and blood pressure. I did a tilt table test but have to redo it because I panicked and couldn't finish the first one. I'm scared somethings really wrong. I always feel dizzy and just out of it. Idk what to do I'm really lost. My husband doesn't understand at all he just gets mad at me and says "you'll be fine get over it". My ativan has taken the edge off since I've started writing this but I'm still sitting here in the parking lot debating on going in.

I ended up getting the grocery shopping done that I needed to. I called my mom for a much needed cry and felt much better! I've just started meditating and in home yoga. I don't want to rely on medication forever. My mom had panic attacks and anxiety just as bad as me when she was the same age I am now mid twenties so she knows. She gave me some good advice though. She told me stop worrying about everything at once. Take care of one thing at a time. Everything doesn't need to be taken care of or figured out all at the same time.

My mom is great I'm so lucky to have her and that she is cancer free! I worry about my dad now a lot and I know that the doctors did a great job with him. I just really need to start eating healthy because clearly heart things run on his side of the family. And cancer is all on my mom's side. I started getting a heart phobia like last year around this time of the year. Last year this month I had a cardiology workup ekg stress echo all that and then I'm seeing one again and I had an echocardiogram and ekg that were both normal. I just have to do the tilt table test which I'm freaking out about because I panicked the last one when they tipped me up and I felt like I was going to pass out. It's been so bad. I don't want to look back on my life and realize that I spent all of my 20s afraid to live my life.

Post Edited (rcg108) : 1/11/2017 8:57:37 PM (GMT-7)