thanks, sc. that puts things in perspective. it's remarkable what it can mean to know we're not alone. i don't think i fully understand it, i may never. but it somehow always works. i once read somewhere that shared joy is always doubled and shared pain is always halved. i guess that's the basic foundation of a place like this.
i saw my doctor today. i haven't actually seen her before, she's different from my pcp but i'm also trying to switch because i just don't like him so much. she was alright, better than the other guy, altho i'm not totally sure i like this office i'm at. but she sent me for a bunch of blood tests, scheduled me for a gallbladder ultrasound, referred me to the psych nurse and rx'd me some xanax.
i think we're all leaning on gallbladder, altho it's entirely possible there's something else going on as well. and then, of course, the constant anxiety. so she gave me some info on how to eat without setting it off and i'm supposed to keep a food journal, which i've already started. i had a sandwich this afternoon with what should have been a reasonable amount of fat for my gallbladder, but about
ten to thirty minutes later i was having another hot flash and trying not to freak out again. i hadn't yet gotten my rx filled so all i could do was just find a place to sit and breathe and wait it out.
when i got home, with my rx, about
an hour later i was sinking into another weird state that was unlike any of the others thus far. i don't really have words to describe it except that it was a wrongness, like i was waking up out of a nap but not quite getting there, or like i was disembodied somehow. it was really upsetting and it lasted a really long time.
mom tried to get me to take the xanax but i was so scared to. i didn't really want it but the doc gave me some other options that didn't sound great, either, all benzos. i don't want valium, idk what klonopin is supposed to do, and anyway i'm not super comfortable with the a la carte drug options in that respect. so i told her my biggest concerns with the benzos (detached, dumb, too tired to operate life) and she suggested the xanax because it has a shorter effect than the others and, if i didn't like it, at least i wasn't stuck with it all day.
still, i couldn't make myself take it.
years ago, when i was around 19, i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. over the course of two years, they tried me on more than thirty two different medications and that is not counting dosage changes. they eventually decided that it was not bipolar and that my whole life would be improved if they could just reorder my sleep schedule. i was completely nocturnal by then (delayed sleep phase) so they prescribed me ambien to put me to sleep at the right times. only, my body was still disinterested in sleeping at the right times so ambien walrus started showing up to keep me company. i'd hallucinate vividly, sometimes wake up in weird situations -- like covered in wax and clutching a pocket knife. twenty years later, i still don't know that was.
one night, ambien walrus and i worked up a plan to end my life by taking all the pills around me (which were plentiful because nobody thought to take away the large supplies of meds they'd already given me) because wouldn't that just be a huge blessing for everyone around me?
i wasn't crying for attention, i wasn't crying for anything -- i was taking control and i felt good about
the decision. ambien walrus convinced me that it was best for everyone and i loved everyone so much that i wanted to do that for them. what else was i doing with my life? not a darn thing.
so i called a couple of friends (at 5am) to cheerfully tell them what i'd done and that i loved them and goodbye. and one of them answered, scolded my dumb ass and then hung up on me, called back to wake up my mom and tell her what i'd done.
i remember telling mom on the way to the hospital, while she was asking me what day it was and who was the president (clinton) and wth i was thinking, that i was giving god a chance to undo the mistake he'd made with me.
thankfully, the good lord saw fit to save this ship and i woke up the next day groggy and full of charcoal and feeling like that part of me that ever wanted to die actually got its wish. i haven't seen that part of me since. sometimes i hear it whisper at night, like a ghost. it's no tempting sound, just a reminder of a place i never want to go again.
anyway, a couple months later i was out of the hospital and done with the psych ward and the respite care and the day programs and i was on eleven pills a day just to manage my brain and i couldn't take it anymore. it was making me sick, literally throwing them up every day. i was interning at mom's office in those days and i made the mistake of throwing the pills into a colleague's wastebasket. she discerned what they were and who they belonged to and ratted me out to my mom. looking back, as annoyed as i was that she didn't come to me directly (as an adult), i get why she did what she did and i'm not mad about
it.
so mom and i went to my shrink and we all had a long and serious discussion and we eventually decided, as a team, that no matter what anybody said or did i was never going to take another god darn pill as long as i lived.
but that wasn't even my first or worst experience with psych meds. when i was a kid, i watched them force ritalin down my brother's throat to treat his adhd (literally pinned him down to make him take it) even tho he said it made him "feel weird". it darn near killed him -- he almost went into cardiac arrest at age nine and i stood there and watched the whole thing happen.
that about
brings us to now, many years later. all things considered, i think it's obvious why i'm so f-ing scared of pysch meds. especially because, as a fun sidebar, those ambien hallucinations never fully went away. they don't really conflict with my life at all, thank god, but i still get them. so i think it's worth talking to my new therapist about
, when i can, to maybe help me move past all that old baggage.
for today, it was a real challenge getting .25mg of xanax down my throat. i'm glad i did, tho. it's very different from the ativan and altho i can't say i am crisp, and i definitely don't want to get behind the wheel of a car, i am way more calm than i have been in i-can't-remember-how-long. i don't see it as an every day thing but i would be willing to consider it as an "as needed" boost to whatever maintenance thing the psych nurse prescribes.
the rx says "take 1/2 to 1 tablet by mouth twice a day as needed" so i might take the other half-tab before bed. the effects are supposed to wear off after about
four hours and it will have been at least that long by then. i think i'm supposed to wait until symptoms start but, jeez, it'd be so nice to just lay down in bed and not descend into madness.
i know i've been writing a lot here. i think, in part, i'm sort of using this thread as a journal for myself. it's been good to keep track of what my days are like, good to be able to look over it. i guess i don't expect anybody to really read it all but i appreciate those who do. your feedback has been a critical part of whatever sanity i've had in the last week. i have a great support system and i'm very blessed for that but, as i said before, it's incredibly soothing to know that i'm not "alone" in all of this.
originally i had no intention of sticking around or posting on anyone else's thread. selfishly, i suppose i was going to get my comfort and be on my way. but having felt the warmth from your responses, it seems only right to try to pay that forward some, where i can. and maybe good for me, too.
anyway, thanks again.
Post Edited (jbarrett) : 2/21/2017 10:45:21 PM (GMT-7)