freaking tf out

man, is life looking different today.

i'm so much more in control. it's amazing how a few hours of relief and a good night's sleep can almost serve as a complete personality adjustment. i feel a lot more like "me" than i have in weeks. i have a ways to go, i know, but there is such hope on the horizon.

i even found myself singing along to the radio earlier. might do some writing-for-fun. might even try some video games later with a friend.

psych nurse today in a little while, i have a good feeling about it. i had lunch about an hour and a half ago, with respect to the diet guidance i was given, and have thus far experienced no ill effects from it aside from a little discomfort in my back, which again just points to gallbladder issues. god, i hope that's all it is. i know it's not the easiest answer but it's treatable at least.

this place has been a heck of a lifeline. i'll definitely be around.

today has been great!

psych nurse was fantastic. i told her all my concerns, my whole story and everything else, and she was really sympathetic and understanding. in the hour we had together, she diagnosed me with general anxiety disorder, panic disorder and adhd.

she rx'd me lexapro for every day anxiety management and some more xanax for break-through stress. said i could take it at night so the potential initial sleepy effect works for me rather than against me. she considered some adderall for the adhd but decided to see how i do with the lexapro first and i'll see her again in three weeks.

i felt really good talking to her. she was very personable and easy-going, knew how to keep me on focus for getting things established and asked a lot of really great questions.

did some grocery shopping on the way home to continue the low-fat crusade. lunch was good, almost no fat and no attacks from it. dinner tonight should hopefully follow the same trend. also started prilosec today so that should help too.

started to get anxious when i got home and started to settle in, altho i can safely say it was triggered by a specific incident. a friend of mine (online) told me she'd done something kind of reckless, snorted a percocet with her wine and then stopped responding, and i just got really freaked out and worried about her. and i can't do anything for her, i don't even know what town she lives in. i have zero control. i know this.

so took half a xanax about forty minutes ago and i finally feel a little better. it didn't take as long yesterday to work. trying to decide if i should just take the other half or what. i don't really wanna get on that benzo crutch but i also don't want to deny myself reasonable medication if i need it. that's always gonna be a tough call, i think.

i'm gonna hold off and see.

for the record, she's responded since. i think she's okay, just 'sad'. feeling down about the state of her life and where she is with it. i'm trying to talk to her about it. idk if this is a cry for help or what but if it is then i'm here.

no appointments again until friday. i'm looking forward to just hanging out around the house tomorrow. maybe i'll do some cleaning or painting or both. it's so nice to finally be able to look at this sabbatical positively, like an opportunity to get some real rest.

there are a lot of things about my life i've been wanting to change for a long time, other things that maybe needed to change but i didn't think there was an option. physically, professionally, personally -- maybe i needed a huge wake-up call like this to put things back into perspective, remind me what's really important.

if i don't have my health, i don't have anything. and if i can't help me, i can't help anybody else. these are the new rules i need to live by.