Struggling badly

Hello everyone.. Let me start by saying this will probably be a pretty long post.. Im needing to express myself without judgment.. And here is where I feel I can do that. Let me jump right in. My anxiety and panic attacks started when I was 16 years old. (I am now 24). It started one day when I had a full blown panic attack after I smoked some marijuana. It was so intense I literally began avoiding alllll triggers or places that would trigger an attack. I began seeing a psychiatrist and was put on lexapro and buspar. I started obsessing over my heart health and eventually developed crippling hypochondria and depression for some years. I would call the ambulance at least twice a week. Which eventually landed me in a a mental rehab place a few times. I developed a big drinking problem that temporarily eased my anxiety for the tine being but when I woke uo it would be a thousand times worse. I was put on vibryd and had the worse reaction ever. I literally had a mental meltdown from the side effects . I was unable to sleep for days, my anxiety and panic was beyond this world… I was twitching and jerking and going through what I believe was serotonin syndrome. I quit taking it and eventually felt normal again but never slept the same. Insomnia has stayed. I eventually accepted the fact that o wasn't going to die from some illness after a few years of exhausting hypochondria. But a new phobia developed. The fear of going crazy and developing a mental disorder that would cause me to lose touch with reality. I indulged in that phobia for quite a while. With extreme panic attacks and anxiety. The whole time I was going through all of this I was in a very unhealthy relationship. After 6 year we split up. And I was fine with that. I few. Months later I met a new guy, I hid my anxiety for a while but it eventually came to the surface very quickly. He automatically didn't understand and was very closed minded to it . forcing me to deal with it in silence. Surprising it all. We quickly moved in together. And that's when he got mentally and physically abusive and extremely controlling. Forcing me to hold all of my emotions in , I feared setting him off. I was able to. Literally train my brain to deny the ability to feel. Anything . and guess what? Anxiety cured. Or so I thought. I got pregnant after only being with him for 5 months. I began a whole new life with this guy . new home, New places , new friends, New everything. Its like I reinvented myself. But was still always holding in my emotions and my true self. I was doing slot better with my new life, but something always felt missing. My pregnancy went great. But the whole time I feared giving birth. Fear I would have a panic attack or die during birth. And exactly 4 weeks ago Today thats what happened. My. Blood pressure got extremely high during labor , with all the meds they had me on I broke out in full blown anxiety attacks back to back. After I had my daughter my anxiety was out the roof and my blood pressure would not go down. Caudingòmore anxiety. It was very traumatic for me since I have not felt such intense fear for so long. Actually haven't felt anything for so long. After 5 days I was able to come home. I've been struggling. My boyfriend is no longer abusive. Hasn't been since I found out I was pregnant. But the habit of still holding in all my emotions and being very insecure stuck with me. I feel like suppressing all my emotions has come to a head. I can no longer do it and irs causing anxiety. I've slowly been showing my true feelings and emotions to my boyfriend and he thinks it great. But but im conflicted. I feel like two different people, the one I was when I first met him, my true real self. And the new person I became after I met him. The one who holds everything in and doesnt feel anything. Im Back to obsessing about mental disorders and going crazy . what if I have borderline personality disorder? Why am I having mood swings? My nerves are bad. I can't sleep and when I do I still have thoughts. Obsessive thoughts that I'm going craxy. The stress of having a baby is not helping. And the fact that my boyfriend thinks I'm just being "crazy " doesn't help either. I feel so alone and isolated. I get episodes of depersonalization/derealization, mood swings, battling myself about going back to the "old me" or continuing to be the "better new. Me".. Please tell me I'm not losing it. I've been going through this for exactly a month. I started back on my buspar but haven't seen my psychiatrist yet because he's booked till the 21st. I just want to be normal and happy.

Your hormones are intensifying your anxiety. My 2nd birthing experience was the onset of panic attacks.
Deep breaths- ride it out. You're going to be OK
I'll keep you and yours in my prayers
Enjoy the new baby!

All that you describe struggling with can be attributed to anxiety...made worse by fluctuating hormones and lack of sleep.

Work those coping skills every chance you get, and have faith that it will start to help.given time.

S.C

Hi there, I know how you feel with the postpartum hormones. After I had my baby I would be afraid to be home alone while my then boyfriend (now husband) was at work. I would go to my mom or dads. I had no appetite and I felt crazy. It eventually got better, and would have got better soon had I actually taken meds or started therapy. So I think it's great you are getting treatment for your mental health. Having a newborn for the first time is difficult even more difficult with hormones changing, lack of sleep and pre existing anxiety. Hang in there and take some time to do somethjng for yourself if you can.

AF,

No one is equipped to sustain abuse...mental or physical.

So this is not surprising at all to me.

Please re-read my first response above, and put a safe plan in place for yourself and your baby.

And for now, work on your anxiety management daily with self help to the best of your ability.

If you find you need further help...reaching out to your doctor for a management strategy should be your next move.

Wishing you stability and calm.

S.C.

You won't...it just feels like it.

With your hormones settling down, and with you (hopefully) getting more regular sleep in the coming weeks...things will get easier.

Hang in there!

S.C.