I've just had enough

I am sitting here shaking, nausea, adrenaline flowing and I know the anxiety well. I have no support at home. I have nothing to look forward to and nothing of joy to wake up to in the morning. I am 46 years old and I feel like most of my life is over and I am sick of it.

I was doing better honestly. I was trying to keep positive and I have still been exercising every day, I am fighting everything to keep myself at least doing that.

My husband who had to start his business this year had to have a medical test done and last weekend we got the bill for that. It was 5770 dollars and no we do not have insurance. That was in the mail Saturday and then Sunday some complete a-hole hit our work vehicle and ripped the light out of it, dented it and took off. There were witnesses who saw him hit it and leave. So we have no money coming in right now either because until it gets fixed it can't work.

Then my husband has been home and I went walking with him and I was so excited that we had checked the distance and it was just almost a mile. I hadn't known I was able to go that far and I was excited but he was no support as usual and just acts like it's no big deal like he has every time I ever felt good about anything in my life. So whatever. I am so sick and tired of feeling so completely alone and I am just so sad today.

The anxiety is back and I know why it comes. I want to hide and I want out of my life and this happens. I hate my life and I hate what I have gotten stuck with and now I can't get out.

I don't want this to happen again and I am fighting it. If I give in I am sunk. I am not taking my blood pressure, I know it is likely high but I am not going to take more of these meds.

I don't know how to be happy and I don't know how to make any choices now with the anxiety. My life was so full of promise and stress after stress made this happen. It was years of stress, years of never feeling good enough, years of trying to make something out of my life I could be proud of that never happened because my life is a waste of air really and it has been for years. I wish I could run away form home haha but I can't because I can't even work so I am stuck. I am just stuck

Thank you so much SC! ((HUGS)) I didn't sleep last night but today is another day so I am going to try to do what I can with that.

I just want to send you a hug.

I know this feeling all too well. When the anxiety has just become too much and you're consumed by that hopeless feeling.

Try to hang in there. Most of us have been there and we tend to come out the other side. Just remember that anxiety comes and goes and this will not last forever.

And congrats on walking that mile!! I haven't set foot on my treadmill in months and I'm so mad at myself. Maybe I'll try again tonight!

My dear SC has said it all , its not going to last , i wish I can say something different to quick fix u but I can't ...hang in there, today I cried because my boss is always very grumpy , whatever i do hes just his miserable self and I couldn't take it I just cried. And I took a drive...I wish I can be in a happy environment during the day. But I'm lazy to look for another job.. but I will have to eventually ..please be strong.
Xxx

if you cant afford insurance you should be able to get Medicaid. you simply cannot be with out some form of health insurance these days. I don't make much money yet I find a way to pay for insurance with obamma care. I would be dead or dying with out it now.

I am in a similar place as you. So much darkness in my life, its suffocating. Cant share my pain, or anything i feel with anyone coz there's no one here. Just me and my scared mind.

Life is a game. And there is only one rule, "Keep running towards the light, always, no matter what". Every time the darkness comes into your life, it brings a ray of light with it (sometimes the darkness is so profound that all you see is black but "its there", just harder too see sometimes.

Like for instance, the financial trouble you are facing is the darkness in your life. what you need to do, the only thing you need to do, is look for light. which means " choosing the most positive course, right here, right now, this moment, that you believe will lead you out of this darkness, maybe sooner maybe later, but eventually". Then all you need to do is follow that path. Once you choose a path, then all thats left is "doing the best you can, with what you have". You may for example choose to focus on getting healthy mentally, coz right now 'thats" what is stopping you from getting a job and holding it down. so thats your light, you start from there. start doing everything in your power to getting well.

Anxiety is most part a punishment, a pain we inflict on ourselves "voluntarily" coz deep down we believe its our fault we are in this situation. i didnt fight hard enough, i made the wrong choices, even though i knew they were wrong, how could i've been so careless. You see where im going, right? We put all the blame for all the bad crap thats ever happened to us on ourselves. But what made you do that, its coz you stopped playing the game, you stopped looking for the light, and instead started noticing all the darkness filled in your life. So much pain. Thats all you see. But the truth is none of that matters. The only thing that really matters is "running towards the light". So start running. Dont try to fight the darkness. Let it be. Notice its there and then move on coz the only thing that matters is the light ahead. and when you get overwhelmed with anxiety, when all the pain around you starts to precipitate and weigh on your mind and soul, remind yourself that you are doing the best you can, thats ALL that matters. Once you do that, You'll notice a kind of sense of peace somewhere in all the chaos. Repeat it, "I am doing the best i can, with "what i got" (now this right here is the most important part to remember, sometimes what you got isn't a lot, but thats okay, for now you work with what you have, when you'll know better you'll do better), this will free your mind from all the "blame". then run into the light.

Post Edited (ravdeep) : 3/31/2017 11:25:28 AM (GMT-6)