AE,
I am sorry to hear of this issue that has you confused and frustrated. It is understandable, as weight fluctuations, changing bodies and body image can all be triggers for anxiety.
Here are just a couple of thoughts to consider that struck me when reading your post.
One is that post child birth and with aging...our metabolisms and how we store fat simply change. That is not to say that we can't hope to look and feel our best after kids and a certain age...but things are not going to be exactly the same. We do have to work harder for it...and if we try to get back to the place we once were...it may not be a healthy goal to attain. In other words, where we felt good before, we might feel weak and unwell at that same weight again, because our body has changed.
The other thought I had was that deprivation may be a trigger for you. If you find comfort in food (and who doesn't to varying degrees??) then restricting may make your anxiety management more difficult. Of course you don't want to go overboard in self soothing with unhealthy snacks...but eating a satisfying amount of healthy food...along with moderate exercise (start with walking!) would be a good goal.
You mention your BMI being on the higher end. I am curious to know if your doctor calculated this number for you? A gym employee or home calculation will not take into account bone density and muscle mass...of which you could have enviable levels...so unless a medical professional has told you that you could stand to lose weight...I think you may have to assess your realistic goals?
Wishing you the best in finding a comfort zone both in terms of feeling good about
how you look, and most importantly feel!
S.C.