Severe health anxiety ruining my life!!

Guess I’m just looking for a pitty party and my family is tired of hearing it. I have very severe health anxiety (mostly cancer). The worse part is I am too terrified to go to a doctor because I’m 100% positive he will tell me I have weeks to live. I know the answer is too man up and go but fear won’t allow me. I know if I do have cancer the sooner you go the better the chance but again fear won’t allow me. I know my family don’t deserve too have to live with me like this but again fear takes over.The examples of how bad it is are embarising but I want to share them to see if there is anybody else as bad off. I’ve had this probably since around the year 2000. In 2010 I was in a bad car accident and crushed 3 vertabraes along with many other injuries. Spent a couple weeks in the hospital. My cancer anxiety was so bad when I was laying in the street immediately after the accident i wasn’t worried on why I could barely move my body or worried about the pain from my ribs pushed into my lungs. I was having a full blown panic attack that they were going to find my cancer while running all the imaging test and blood work. I stayed in a full blown panic attack the entire time I was in the hospital. After every X-ray,mri,ct scan etc I wouldn’t even pay attention to what the doctors were saying about my many crushed vertabraes or other bones. I wasn’t concerned with if I would walk again my only concern was did they see cancer in the imaging. After getting out of the hospital all though I was bed ridden for a long time from injuries I was actually at peace for the first time in forever. For about 2 weeks I didn’t think I had terminal cancer because all my scams were clean. More recent embarising example has too do with my thyroid doctor. I have been hypothyroid for many years. I found a doc that would just run a tsh test only every year and adjust my dose. Well at my last appointment he gave me my paperwork to take to the lab and he requested a complete full blood work up. Well there was no way I could have that done because in my screwed up mind the blood work would show my terminal cancer. So now I have resorted to buying my thyroid pills out of the country without any blood test to show if I need adjustments and who knows if the meds are even real or safe. The strange thing is I feel like I don’t even want to continue living like this. I would never take my life because I wouldn’t want to traumatize my 8 year old daughter. You would think if you don’t want to live anymore because of this then why would a terminal cancer diagnosis scare you? This week has been very bad because I’ve been off balance and dizzy. I’ve convinced myself years ago I have colon cancer so this new dizzy symptom is in my mind is because the colon cancer has spread to the brain. Sorry for long post just wanted to see if it would help to write about it. Like I said before I already know the answers I’m fixing to get. I hear them from my family daily. I know the right thing to do but when I’m 100% convinced the doctor is going to tell me I have terminal cancer I just can’t go.

Hi Kenny and welcome!

Your story and mine have many similarities! I too am doctor phobic, and am long overdue for my regular check ups and tests. :/ Therapy and self help have allowed me to not be overwhelmed daily by health anxiety and panic...however, I still have this last hurdle to clear...of getting over my fear of going to the doctor's.

Have you considered therapy and or medication? How about self help? Hibee mentioned the Resources here. They have great material...and even links and book recommendations specifically for Health Anxiety...all of which are great treatment options.

It is a process...one that I am still journeying through. Stick around and we can all do it together with support and understanding.

Talk soon,

Scaredy Cat

hi Kenny - reading your post felt like I could have wrote it. Only I don't just worry about cancer, I worry about all illness. I have had anxiety and panic since I was 11 yrs old. It didn't turn into health anxiety until I first went away to college and I first got IBS. After that I had a few ER visits for thinking I was having a heart attack. but I got through. In 2001 I had my first major episode. It was right after 9/11 with the anthrax scare. I got the flu at that time and was really sick so I was convinced I had anthrax. It was horrible. I couldn't get out of bed for over a week and was convinced I was going to die. I was 26 then. My dr put me on Zoloft. It took me a few months to feel "normal" again. When I was pregnant with my son in 2007 I went off Zoloft cold turkey. about 2 months later I was having headaches and became convinced I had a brain aneurysm. I was so stressed out I couldn't eat. I lost 15 lbs. I was just in a constant state of panic. my OB told me I had to go back on meds as the stress I was going through was more damaging to my baby. so back on Zoloft I went and after awhile felt better. at some point a few years ago I was getting hives and the dr figured it was stress and the Zoloft stopped working so they switched me to Effexor which honestly has done nothing for me. I get stressed out and anxious easily and have to take Xanax to help me. Now Im 42 and being in my 40s has been rough for me. I think before I always used the whole "oh im too young to get that" to talk me out of things but now that's no longer the case. The past few years ive felt my age too. Ive gained weight and its harder to lose, my vision is horrible, I have brain fog and memory loss, lately im extremely tired all the time and other things. I just feel OLD. I went to a new dr and she did bloodwork as well as a pelvic ultrasound and thyroid ultrasound. thankfully my bloodwork came back great which I keep reminding myself of as to why I cant have cancer because something would've been off in my labs. I was extremely panicked over the pelvic u/s and thankfully that came back clear too. my thyroid u/s however showed I have 6 nodules with one needing a biopsy. I am trying not to freak out as I know thyroid cancer is the best cancer to get if youre gonna get cancer. but long story short all of this has set me off. im just in a panicky state of mind. my ears have been feeling full and ive felt a bit lightheaded with some head pain - all which I have to keep reminding myself I have felt before this time of year. I have always had sinus issues and had sinus surgery a few years back. in fact when I was getting really tired a few months ago it was because I had this thick horrible post nasal drip going down the back of my throat and my sinuses were so full. I went to an ENT and they did a CT but all my sinuses were clear except for my left which seems to be affected by 2 teeth ive always had problems with so im waiting to hear back about a 3d scan I had of that area by an endodontist and ive convicned myself maybe I have cancer in my sinus even though I had a CT and the ENT looked into my sinuses and nothing like that was mentioned. ive afraid this 3d scan is going to find something even though im sure the CT would've. idk. and then I keep thining the reason why I feel so off is because its in my brain. im just in a bad place right now. I have to make an apt with an endocrinologist for this biopsy and im scared. I haven't seen a GYN in 2 yrs and I need to go but im scared. I have moles I need checked by a dermatologist but I haven't gone cause im scared. I cant handle the anxiety waiting for tests. anyway as you can see by my super long post you are not alone. also u mentioned how you think about something and then have symptoms - I get that too all the time. its crazy how powerful our minds are. I not sure how Im going to handle all this as I keep getting older. as more things will go wrong and more drs will need to be seen and more tests will need to be run. it terrifies me. I really need to find a good therapist but so far ive had bad luck in that department. anyway im here if u need to talk!!! hang in there!

No more panic. Wow. Your write up describes how I feel to the t. Only difference is your brave enough to go to the doctor. When I had a car accident in 2010 I didn’t have a choice. They scraped me off the road into a ambulance. When they did a head and neck ct scan I noticed in the notes the report said multiple nodules on thyroid. Doctors didn’t even mention it to me I guess because I had so many emergency injuries going on. I have been on thyroid meds for as long as I can remember because I’m very hypo. The nodules actually don’t scare me as much because thyroid cancer is usually very curable. I need to have them looked at but that would require scans and probably blood work that would find my late stage terminal colon cancer that has spread to my brain (lol when I go back and read that it’s awakening just how nuts I sound). I too recently turned 40 and it’s gotten much worse. I realize I’m getting to the age where doctor appts are even more important and I honestly think I would lay here and die before I would go. My best chance would be to go unconscious and somebody calls a ambulance. I actually feel better after reading your write up. Thank you very much.

KennyK,

I too have health anxiety and am scared to death of mostly cancer. I was smacked right in the face this summer with it as my father was diagnosed and I quickly swooped in to do all the research, talk to all the doctors, and attend many of the visits. Surprisingly, I was able to mange my anxiety. Once we seemed to get my dad on a path for treatment then I totally fell apart, and like you believed symptoms I had were the big C word. Actually right now I am going through what I call a "flare" because of a few issues with my speech. I went to see my primary doc who believes it is all related to sleep disturbances (3 small kids) and anxiety.

I too am fearful of going to the doctors but here is my advise. Panic, flip out, but GO. When I went in November I cried to the male doctor. I told him I knew I sounded crazy and I felt a bit nuts. He was so compassionate. Don't go for yourself. Go for your daughter. If you find out something is wrong muster the strength to get through it for her. And if you find out nothing is wrong, you will have RELIEF.

Second, get MEDICINE. God, why did I avoid it for so long? I only take it when a flare occurs but WOW I am able to COPE an able to RATIONALIZE my fears. I am not able to do this without medicine during the flare.

Second, research OCD intrusive thoughts. Everyone calls this "health anxiety" but it can actually be OCD. One of the BEST WAYS to deal with it is exposure to it - which is why you felt relief when your scans came back clear.

I feel your pain Kenny but take action or else you are simply alive and dying inside anyway.