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Posted 5/10/2018 4:48 PM (GMT 0)
Hello,

I just found out my partner of 17 years cheated on me for over a year two years ago. We have been living together for 17 years, and have a 16 year old daughter. I am done with him. We are split up but I have no money to move out immediately. I have been working full time to pay off my debt. He owns the house, so I can't kick him out even though I want to.

Next week is his birthday. I will not wish him a happy birthday. I'm so disgusted with him I can't even describe it. He has been a possessive emotionally controlling partner for 15 out of the 17 years we have been romantically together. The last two years we have not slept in the same room as I suspected he cheated while he was living in NY for a job transfer. I just received conformation from the woman he cheated on me with last week. He probably justifies his cheating and blames me because our relationship has been up and down since we met. I assumed the role of a wife for 17 years without all the benefits. I raised our daughter and worked and put myself through school. And now I have to find an apartment. He is good to our daughter though.

I guess you can say I hate him, because I do.


Should I buy the man a gift for his birthday for our daughter to give him?

If I am still in that house, there will be no "holiday gift exchanging" like we have done. I refuse to buy him anything. I will have to spend the holiday in a Hotel to avoid all of that.

I am hoping to move out asap, but it wont be easy. I only make $800 every two weeks, and I am in big debt. I feel like my life is swirling right now.

Any advice would be so appreciated. Thank you!

Liz

Post Edited (FearBug) : 5/10/2018 10:52:39 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/10/2018 5:01 PM (GMT 0)
Hi FB,

I am so sorry to hear of your difficult situation. What a horrible feeling to learn of a betrayal. I know how this feels...and I wish I could offer more comfort, other than saying I am sorry...and that you deserve so much better. (((Hugs)))

As far as your question goes regarding a present for your daughter's father. I think that you can and should encourage her to make him a present using any talents/skills she has. Since money is tight for you, and you are trying to save to get out of the current living situation...this is a fair and practical solution. Does your daughter have artistic talent? Can she draw, write poetry, play/sing a song, knit, ect....? Or perhaps have her come up with some creative 'coupons' such as spending time with him doing his favorite activities. Coupons such as 'good for a hike or playing a favorite game, or Netflix movie together' would be a thoughtful and cost free gift.

I hope that you can keep working towards moving soon...and start fresh and be free from this negativity. Take care of yourself and let us know how we can keep you in support okay?

S.C.
Posted 5/11/2018 1:00 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you SC for your comforting words, and advice! I agree to have our daughter give him a present. This situation has been hell for me for the past two years. First of all, when he came back home, he went into the hospital and it turns out he developed heart failure from an infected tooth that he let go and it traveled to his heart. I took care of him as best I could as I had just started my new job. It was hard. I traveled two four hours round trip back and forth almost every night, and when he came out of the hospital, I had to get myself up at 4am to give him his medicine (antibiotic) intravenously every day before work for 6 weeks. It was hell. I did all of this with suspicions of him cheating. Months later he told me I didn't take care of him "well enough"!

After that I didn't move forward with trying to get my own place because I felt guilty that he now lives with heart failure. I think I felt too guilty to leave.
Posted 5/11/2018 4:55 PM (GMT 0)
Only you know your heart and can decide your future. Try not to let guilt of any kind (which you aren't guilty for anyway) change your decision. Maybe see a counselor to help you sort things out.

As for a birthday gift it should be your daughter's responsibility. At 16 she's old enough to A. buy something if she has a job. B. I agree with Scaredy Cat, coupons would be awesome and not take much time but it would be her giving the gift. And, of course a handcrafted gift is also a great idea.

Have you checked to see what financial help you could get because of your low income if you were to move out? Maybe it would be easier that way.
Posted 5/11/2018 6:26 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you Lendi! I can not afford counseling, I wish i could. When i get better financially I will for me and my daughter. I will figure something out hopefully soon. It is very uncomfortable living there since finding this out. I also found out a month ago he bought a gun for protection without telling me. He told our daughter. He is not a violent person, but he has been very verbally abusive and controlling, and has a short temper and just makes me uneasy that now he has a firearm because now that he knows I am completely done as i found out he cheated, I just feel nervous about his state of mind especially since he is now living with heart failure. He has always cared about what people think of him on the outside form example his job. He makes an excellent amount of money and can't imagine he would jeopardize all of that to hurt me in any way just because I am leaving him.
I don't want drama, I just want out so I can live my life happily and be a better Mother to our daughter. I have been miserable for the last 17 years he and I have been partners. I guess I am more angry he cheated because of the hell he put me through accusing me of flirting with men, accusing me of having boyfriends on Facebook, and then to turn around and do that to me when I was loyal to him.

I want to do what is best for my daughter, and she wants to finish highchool where she is, so I am hoping to get a place in the town we live in now.

UGH! Thank you for all of your kind words and support. I will get through this.
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