I am still stuck.

Hi KC,

I am sorry to hear of the difficult relationship dynamic that is happening between you and your mom. It does sound very unhealthy for both of you.

It sounds like you are somewhat financially dependent on her now? If you hope to set up boundaries, then you need to become fully independent...

...and that starts with getting a job and not accepting any more money or help from her, period.

Is there a reason you can't work? If not, then even taking a retail/food service or any entry level position is better than having no job at all.

This will enable you to get needed distance from your mom...

...and you can then look for a more ideal job in the meantime.

Start looking today! ;) You will be glad you did.

S.C.

I have been trying so very hard to find work. The town I live in is small and it is hard to find work for anyone. The average for people looking is at least a year. As long as I am not working, I have no excuse good enough for her to not threaten me if I don't spend the time she wants with me. I am setting boundaries, but until I am working, she feels the boundaries are like tissue paper that she can just rip through. I have been looking for work since a week after I lost my job and I am still trying. But I don't know what to say to her until then. She is very defensive overy small stupid things and I am afraid that whatever I say she will take wrong. This morning I asked her politely to stop texting me while I got dressed and she thought I was snapping at her. I don't know how to handle her attitudes.

When I was working full time, I was able to keep separated from my mom. It was the first time that I felt like I could be free of her. My boyfriend is always there to support me. I was always scared that he would leave me because of her. But, he told when we first started dating, he wasn't dating her, he was dating me. We have been together for seven years and we have never had an argument. He is in a similar situation with his father who is a lot like my mom. But his father is older and sicker than my mom and he is living in our house while my boyfriend takes care of him. I want to have children with my boyfriend, but I don't want my mom to be around when I am raising them and I need to be able to support the kids too. When we first started dating, I had a huge fight with my mom and stopped talking to her foralmost a year. She hated who I am with and tried threatening him. I walked out on her and had my works security keep her out of my department when I worked.
She has a victim complex. She doesn't ever take responsibility for anything that she does wrong. She has her husband on over 300 MG of affexor just so that he doesn't talk back to her or tell her what she does is wrong.
My brother takes hallucinagenics like LSD, acid and mushrooms to escape and my mom gets it for him. I have never taken any drugs(other than ibuprofen and exedrin and my heart medication ) and my boyfriend has told me before that I should just turn her in. But I am not vindictive to do something like that. I just don't want to deal with her anymore. No one in my family can deal with her except for me. I try to do the right thing and try to be the angel on her shoulder when she does things that are against the law. I want to help her, but I feel like the only solution is to turn her in. Or a retraining order.
I volunteer in this town at food banks and our town has a lot of events at the park, so I volunteer there too. I have a good reputation in this town and I feel being her daughter is like a stain. Sometimes, I feel like my sanity is slipping. Like I am not connected to reality. I want to run away, but I feel trapped. I walk around town since my vehicle has a flat tire and sometimes I want to just keep walking. Just to go away from everything and everyone. But I have a cat rescue for injured, abandoned, or abused cats. She tries to tell me that it is killing me, but I don't do near as much as when I was living with her on her dog rescue. I love helping people and animals, I love to make people smile. Sometimes I feel like that is wrong. I don't know, I just feel really lost right now.

I got a job. It is a full time plus job. I am happy to be working again. I finally got through to my mom that I can't just drop everything for her.it is still an uphill battle with her trying to be nosy in my life though. I am glad that I can post here without fear of retribution from her. She has people watching her mother since she can't stand her and feels like there are ulterior motives with her. My grandmother moves to our town because she feels that she won't be around much longer and wants to just spend time with family before she goes. I am caught between the two of them because they both want to spend time with me.
That though is not why I am writing. I just felt it had to come out. What is bothering me is the feelings I have right now. I have a good job, I am caught up on bills, I have great hours to spend time together with my man( who proposed about a month ago! ), I am going to have a good insurance starting next month that I don't have to pay for, and I am starting to try and diet, properly.
But I feel empty. I only get sex once a year and only have to to masterbate once a month. When I do, it helps for a little bit, but I don't fill the void. I have stopped turning to food for that though and I feel that may be a step in the right direction. I have also cut soda out completely from my diet for about a month. I got heat stroke and I decided to stay hydrated from then on. I live in the desert where the hot days can be as high as 120°.
I am antsy, like I want to fight or hit something. I am a martial artist, but I have not had the time to really practice. Although I don't think that is why I feel that way. I am not a violent person, I have never got into a fight and learning to punch at my classmates took months to learn because I am not one to hurt anyone( other than myself ). I never cut myself, but sometimes I like to punch metal, or a wood beam to feel the pain in my hand. I have been accident prone my entire life and I have a higher threshold for pain because of the injuries I would get. I have fallen down two staircases and got thrown down one when I was younger in a suitcase by my brothers.
But I am trying my best not to hurt myself to feel right now. I feel like I want to fight, to take a beating. Like I need to be punished for something. I hate this feeling because I feel disconnected from everyone around me and I don't know what to do. I even told my instructor that I want to train more, and I don't really get any. I don't have time to do much of anything and I work six days a week. I feel trapped in a way.
Is this normal?

He has a metal gear at the base of his spine from a work related injury, so it is painful for him to do anything, but he tries because he knows that I have never been with anyone until him. I won't deny that I want it a little more frequently, but I also hate to see him in pain. I am taking everything one step at a time and I think I am just anxious from the new job and the prior failures at my previous employment. But I will keep up with my training, and maybe do some solo training since the regular classes are few and far between. Thanks again for listening.

Kinoko

Hey, I am just keeping contact. I am still working. I got all my roommates working. Although there is only one car for the household(i have a scooter right now, but I am working towards a motorcycle). Only my boyfriend has a driver's license right now. I am worried about one of my roommates. He has a girlfriend that he is trying to improve his life for and all she does is judge him. He has been distancing himself from us in the house. He wants to get his own place with his girlfriend and I fear she is going to just hurt him. He has been setting aside a savings for himself to move out. I am rooting for him, I want him to move forward with his life and grow as a person. I am just worried that he is doing it for the wrong reasons. Recently, I found out that she is threatening to leave him because he is not moving fast enough for her. He originally moved in with my boyfriend and year before I did and this is the first time in 9 years that he has had a stable job. He feels like he owes my boyfriend for taking care of him. He first moved in because his uncle(my boyfriend's cousin) passed away and he had nowhere else to go. He has been trying to fix his life because when he lived with his uncle, he got in trouble with the law that he has since been taking care of.
What I am trying to get at is that I am worried that he is moving out for the wrong reasons. He is more like a brother to me then my brothers could ever be and I don't want to see him hurt.
Other than that, we are only a few months away from being caught up on bills. It helps that out heater/air conditioner is broken, so we are not paying so much to the electric. I am just trying to keep trudging along. I have been feeling inadequate recently. Like I am not good enough for the household.
I took four days off with my boyfriend on his birthday vacation and I go back to work today. The company I work for doesn't offer paid vacation except for management. I had an opportunity to get into the assistant manager position and turned it down, because I didn't think I was ready but the person who took the position is not a good worker. I feel like I failed when I didn't take the position when I had the chance. Some of my coworkers are into drugs too. I have one who shoots up meth in the cooler and about half of my coworkers are into weed. Which doesn't help that a law for Marijuana got passed in my state. I have brought my concerns about it to my manager, but he is very blind to everyone. It took six months and a customer to call corporate on my last coworker who was stealing money from the register. I am just not sure, every time I get ahead in one area of my life, another problem arises.
As it stands, my other roommate has a bad attitude about life and we are afraid that he is trying to find an escape from what he feels is a crappy life. He is barely 20 and I am worried about him going to a bad path.

Hello!
Well, I can honestly say that I am amazed at how can change in such a short period of time. My roommate moved out. He got a rv and is living there. He repeated from us on a kind of bad note, but that was only because of the girlfriend he had. He ended up dumping the one he was with to get with another and she ended up being worse for them. But by the time all that happened, he was already moved out and my husband and I have had to write him off. I still work with him at my job(he also has to work with the girlfriend he left after the girlfriend he dumped for her) and we get along great. I found that with my job, if you wait it out, most problems will solve themselves.
The coworker who was doing drugs got fired. And the crew that I have now is quite a bit better, only a few people being an issue now. I got assistant manager and I am still waiting to be trained. We lost a lot of people in a short amount of time and I spent a whole month training new hires every week. I am getting worn out from the stress of it and I am exhausted by the time I gen home. The new hires listen to me like a boss, but the people that were there before I took the position don't like to listen and tend to make the work harder.
My boss is expecting me to step up and lead them on the weekends. Last week was a disaster because he told me to stop enabling them and quit doing the work for them. So a lot of work didn't get done and I got reprimanded for it.
Moving out was a wise choice for my roommate that I was worried about. He is struggling living on his own, but he is trying and also doing better at work for it. I don't know much about what he does (other than psychedelic substances) and I leave him alone other than at work and we are fine with that.
My boyfriend lost his job two days before my birthday, and it got tough for a while waiting on unemployment to start but we made it. My other roommate has matured in leaps and bounds. He put away his nasty attitude(for the most part until someone irks him) and has really tried to support the house. He has asked for more hours at work even.
I am even using this opportunity to cut back on food and work on losing weight a bit more vigorously. Everyone has cut back on resources and we have all learned to live with less. I am worried that my boyfriend won't find a well enough paying position before his unemployment runs out, but I have faith that we will find a solution. My grandfather passed away three days before my birthday and my grandmother has been needing more attention. My mom is jealous that she is not getting my attention, but I am trying to get out of debt with her.i have taken over 90% of the bills and it is hard to budget for everything, but we are managing. I have gotten grey hairs already from my stress lol.
But seriously I put everything into my work and I am terrified of losing my job constantly. There have been 17 people who have come through the store and I am the only one who is still there. I am scared of being able to support my family.
Any thoughts?

My mom today decided to tell me that she blames everything bad in my life on my boyfriend. She thinks I am killing myself living in the house i am in. She sees him as a creepy old pervert. It upsets me that all he has done is tried to make me happy and all she sees is some villain in him. I mean he has a real tender heart and she refuses to see. He has never yelled at me, hurt me, I mean shoot we have never even had a real argument. Honestly, we got together because his father is a lot like my mother and they brought us a lot of drama. So we get along great. But she still judges him even though she has seen how happy he makes me. But all she wants is for me to have a baby. I mean sure I want one, but on my terms, not hers. I am just so annoyed that she would do this and I can't even tell my boyfriend because I don't want to upset him

I've had much experience with a bad mother.

You said:

1: "My mom today decided to tell me that she blames everything bad in my life on my boyfriend. She thinks I am killing myself living in the house i am in. She sees him as a creepy old pervert. It upsets me that all he has done is tried to make me happy and all she sees is some villain in him."

Yes, he is a villain to her, because she's a control freak and he is a threat to her, because she doesn't want you to be closer to anyone than you are to her. Because if you don't have anybody you'd rather be with, she can keep treating you like a dog and you'll keep crawling back to her.

The better he is to you, the more she despises him.

Is she "very controlling?"

2. You said, "But all she wants is for me to have a baby"

Wait a minute, she tells you how awful you are, and then has the gall to put daily demands on you? Whoa!

My mother wanted me to have a kid, also. But it was my mean sister who told her to get me to do that, and not for my benefit, but to put something on me that I didn't want.

So when I hear about someone's mother encouraging them to have a baby, that would get me going.

My guess is, she's had a rough, negative childhood, and she's putting the negative that was put on her, onto you. Well, sorta like my mother, who was raised rough and cold, and became that way.

And take if out on their children because who else has to stand close to them and take the abuse? Everybody else can walk off.

But like with my mom, I might need her for a loan someday, so I felt like I had to take a lot of it. I might have been wrong, but that's what my feelings were.

I can sympathize with you but I can't help you, because I was in the same situation, and I had trouble figuring it out, also.

They can cause a lot of damage, and that's what they're trying to do.

Hi and welcome back!

I am so happy to hear of your promotion...congratulations! This shows what a valued employee and hard worker you are!

However, I am sorry to hear that things are still tight for you...and I will continue to send positive thoughts and prayers that you fiancé also finds work soon!

I am also sorry to hear that your mother continues to be a challenge. I hope that you can continue to set boundaries with her. This will be healthy not only for you, but for your relationship with your fiancé as well.

Keep working on your anxiety management as well too...in order to help you work through the stresses of this situation. We are here to listen and encourage you as well...so thanks for updating us...and keep talking with us if you find it helpful.

Hugs and high fives!

S.C.

KC,

There are ways of being direct, yet still respectful.

Try to keep personal issues (jabs/insults) out of what you say...and try not to get baited into a fight if she throws them at you.

You are an adult and can and should set firm boundaries where your mom is concerned. She sounds negative, and not a healthy person for either your well being...or your relationship.

Try writing out the points you need to cover with her and practicing how and what you'll say...so you'll be prepared and confident!

Keep working towards your anxiety management goals!

S.C.

You know, it is crazy reading back on some of these messages. I see the personal growth I have faced and I see how far I have come just from looking at prior statements.
Just after the last message I wrote, my grandmother decided to tell my mom that I hated her. We have talked several times about it and I told her that I don't hate her, I just don't like her that much.
We got into a big fight, talked it out, and in the end not a lot changed other then that she sees me a bit differently now. I can honestly say that she still doesn't know or understand me, but I don't need her to in order to continue.
Although now it more sad than a little upsetting to see how she is. She is so paranoid about everything in her life, she pushes everything away and I told her that. She is just blaming my grandmother for me not liking her, but it is nothing like that.
My grandparents moved to our town because they wanted to be close to the family. My grandfather passed away last year and my fiancee and I have been helping her with errands and stuff that she has trouble with bring 83 years old. My mom blames her mom for everything wrong in her life and tries to make me feel the same way. I don't though, I was taught at a young age that family is important and I am just helping my grandmother who can't.
So she causes a lot of stress for my grandmother blaming her for everything, and I am getting dragged into it because they both want me on their side. I am just trying to make it at work and their bickering really doesn't concern me.
I may be getting promoted to store manager and I have to look at my career first and that bothers my mom because she wants me to do what she does and I can't. She married into money and is pampered by her husband so she acts like a spoiled brat all the time.
I guess my problem right now is that they are causing a strain in my relationship with my fiancee because they both want to use him for help since he still hasn't found a job and that is upsetting him too. He also has to take care of his handicapped father and it is rough on both of us because they are wearing us down.
I don't want to seem cold but I can't have them upsetting me when I am so close to another promotion. I just don't know how to tell them to leave me alone either. My grandmother doesn't really have anyone but my fiancee and I, but I can't give her the time she wants.