Advice Please!!

Hello,

I have posted on here on all different topics. I was not sure where to post this.

I have recently split up with my ex-boyfriend of 17 years. We have a 16 year old daughter together. I found out recently that two years ago, while he was living in New York for business, he das an affair with another woman for over a year. I contacted her last May, and she told me everything. Needless to say we are done. Or, I am done with him. We have a long history of not getting along. To sum up, I never married him, because he has been controlling, and verbally & emotionally abusive. Finding out he cheated was the last straw for me as I stuck by him though all of the hell he has put me through, and even cared for him after his open heart surgery, after he came back from Living in NY.


Problem is I have accumulated about 90,000 of debt with credit cards, and putting myself through school to earn my asscociates degree in accounting. I cannot afford to move out just yet. My name is on the house but he pays for everything. He makes good money. I am looking for a way to get an apartment, but meanwhile...we live under the same roof as roommates. He loves our daughter but he is hardly a Father. He is not involved in her live at all, but pays for everything for her. He and I do not speak. We text if needed.


My problem is the holidays coming up. I do not know how to do Christmas. I pretty much have extreme hard feelings towards him, so he will NOT be getting gifts from me. Its always been the 3 of us for the holidays,a s our families are estranged. I was hoping to be moved out by Christmas, but it is not looking like it. DO I just exchange gifts with my daughter on Christmas eve? Do I cook for him too? Trust me, I do not want to do anything for him. He does not deserve it. But I am thinking of what is best for our daughter. She does not deserve any of this.

Please Please any advice would be so appreciated!!!!!!

Thank you for your advice Scaredy Cat. Are you saying to get him a gift? I am just asking because I plan on buying him nothing. I have very ill feelings towards him. I am not making the environment a battle field, as I would not do that to my daughter. I want nothing more than to get away from him for good, but I feel he deserves nothing kind from me. He hasn't even so much as respectfully given me so much as an "I'm sorry, you didn't deserve to be cheated on after all I put you through" . I got nothing. What I got rather, is him walking around like the victim, like always. I hate that I still have to live under his roof. I know my name is on the house, but he pays for it all, so I know he will not move out temporarily until I get a place. He wont budge.


I just want to feel that I am not wrong in not getting him anything. I don't feel divorced couples who are not "friends" buy each other gifts. I also wonder what message that would send my daughter. That no matter how much someone hurts you, continue to make them happy to keep the peace. That is what My mom did with my abusive Father, and look where I am. I like the idea of giving my daughter her gifts on Christmas eve. Just don't know how he will react to that. He has a tendency to feel like everything is about him, even at our daughters expense. I don't feel I should cook for him either. If I was moved out, I sure wouldn't. I just hate that my daughter is in the middle of this. I know when I do move out, despite what he has done to me, he will be bitter. I can't see he and I ever being friends. He has been very possessive over me and controlling for 17 years. Funny, even after he cheated, he still treated me as if I were his "property". Sorry, I am rambling

Thanks for you advice. I appreciate it.

No gift to the ex! Because regardless of your living situation he is now your ex. Your daughter is 16 now and understands more than you realize what is going on. Sit down and tell her Mom and Dad love her so much and will always be there for her. But let her know the holidays will be a little bit different this year. Think of it as a time to establish new traditions as you move forward to a new life. If you want to cook, then cook! You can make a bit extra and TEXT him there are leftovers in the fridge if he's hungry. Each of you should establish some time to celebrate with your daughter on your own.

Also have you ever considered filing bankruptcy for your debts. No one like to do it but you might have to start over from square one.

I wish you all the best!! Be strong! Don't let anyone control or abuse you. This was not a healthy relationship. Walk away. It will teach your daughter to be a strong woman and seek out healthy relationships!!

And OMG - no gift!!!!!!!!!!!!!!