High Anxiety

Hi all,
I haven't been around in awhile.
After going through my mom's end of life from August 2017-Jan 2018 while working 2 stressful jobs and having family dramas, a breast cancer scare that ended up OK after multiple mammograms and a biopsy. I lost my GP who joined some kind of practice that requires their patients to pay $1500 out of pocket for super tests or something and my RD retired. Then wrapping up mom's estate-was like a nightmare which lasted until July 2018, I had a slight reprieve and welcomed my first grandson to the world! I still had some bouts of what I felt like was PTSD from taking care of my mom same time last year but was learning to relax. So what happens? 3 weeks ago I found out the place I've worked out and helped start up is closing and now I have to help shut it down. It's more then a job to me and I'm feeling too old to have to start all over again. Emotional roller coaster all over again. I look in the mirror and I see how much I've aged in a year. How much can one soul take?
I try to update my resume and get writers block.
Even though many people both those who know me well and just people that have brief encounters with our place: vendors and such- have told me I run the place and that it's obvious and that not to worry I'm going to do fine my low self esteem has a strangle hold on me. It's telling me I'm a big fish in a small pond and I'm in a panic.
Not sleeping well - have xannax to rely on but try to just take a half and it doesn't make me sleep though the night.
Trying mindfulness meditation but darn phone shuts it down in the middle for some reason and it wakes me up to try and get it started again.
This is such a year of loss- it's frightening to think what is next.
My 2nd job business is failing because my husband doesn't feel well, we lost work and he just has no desire to take on more work. At this point I am just making our bills and saving 0. I don't think I will find a job making the same salary and then what! Going through the 5 stages of grief.

Thanks for your reply SC
Don't bother coming here much anymore because there seems to be a shift in members-not much support
Hanging in there-still using coping skills including pulling myself up by the bootstraps and taking ownership of my problems

Hi

Welcome back but sorry to hear you have had a tough year now that we are always here to support you so do keep us posted on your progress.

Hibee

It’s 3 am I just can’t take this
😢
I need rest
Thank you Hibee
Thank you SC
HT! So glad you are still here
How are you?
Thank you for healing prayers

Hey SC
No the binary beats feel disturbing to me
I like Michael Sealy mindfulness meditation but when I use it on my iphone it seems to stop all of a sudden an if I try to resume it goes back to the beginning and that's annoying
Going to try to go to bed early so if I wake up at 3 at least I will have some rest under my belt
I am exhausted and look haggard
My boss did not show up for work all week and I have extra pressure
too many conference calls
His boss is questioning us about is he on the call? Is he in today?

Still suffering
Been up since 2 30 am
Went to dr for high BP readings
Put me on another med and after hearing some of what I’m going through put me on buspar and appeared anxious herself
It was my first visit with my new GP since my favorite dr went into a managed practice I can’t afford

Hi and it's wonderful to see you.

I remember when my father was on hospice care at home(which was right next door) and the stress is intense. I was working, at least, and didn't have to deal with loss of my job. It was 5 years later that I lost my mom which seemed like 'the end' to me. A year before my father died I lost my 23 year old son. It's been 17 years he's been gone and it still is hard. I'm not going through near as much as you are but I do understand many of your feelings. Losing those you love has to be the hardest thing to go through. I can't change anything for you but I can offer you a big, gentle hug. <<<HUG>>> And as said above, we will be here to listen and support you whenever you need someone. I still suffer from anxiety and PTSD so I understand what you are saying.

You are right that's it's been a bit slow and underpopulated here lately. There is a lengthy reason for that, but the short version is, as you might have noticed, The site looks different. It's had a complete makeover. For reasons I don't understand, during that time Google isn't directing searchers to our site but it's slowly beginning to change and the population is increasing. Plus, summertime is always slow.

Also, having to change doctors, especially since yours sounded wonderful, is very traumatic. My GP is the same age I am and wants to retire but he is 1 doctor in a small rural clinic and it's hard to find another doctor who wants that type of practice. Everyone wants to be a specialist... make more money. I do hope you find someone you can work with and makes you feel comfortable like you can trust them.

You mentioned you were Buspar. It's sold as Buspirone in the US now. I did some searching and found a large amount of information on Buspirone in case anyone wants to know about how it works. It seems to take quite a bit of time to get working in your system.

"Buspirone (Buspar) in general takes at least one to two weeks to have an initial effect and generally can take up to four to six weeks to actually have its full clinical effect. So it's not really the best medication to use if one is trying to manage anxiety symptoms rapidly or urgently."
For other side effects try this link.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/drugs-supplements/buspirone-oral-route/side-effects/drg-20062457

We do hope you keep posting. We truly do care about you. It may sound odd to some people to care about someone you've not met face to face but some people just don't get it. We do! I've actually met several members from Healing Well and it's been wonderful.

Feel free to email me if you like.
Warmly,
Chutz

Hi again,

One thing I've noticed is missing, I think. Have any of these doctors offered you anything for pain relief? They can and should do that while they are trying to find out the cause. There's no reason for you to suffer this much, none at all unless you are allergic to all of them...which I doubt. Have they done brain scans? Also of your neck?

I have terrible arthritis in my neck and down into my shoulders. Gives me lots of headaches, the kind that just lingers and builds. Only way I can get rid of them is to sleep it off over night. Pain meds don't do it for me. I take some for other issues but they don't help what's going on with the arthritis. Med's are funny things how they react different for different people and for different conditions. I'm currently taking hydrocodone and it's like popping potato chips for how much they help but the chips taste better.;-) This is my fault though. I used to take a lot more pain meds and wanted to back off. Doc helped me get down to almost nothing but my pain level has shot up to the ceiling. Guess I went too far. Have to readjust with my doc on next appoint in about 10 days.

Give pain meds some thought. At least you can reduce the majority of the pain and it's easier to think without awful pain stabbing you in the head.

Good luck,
Chutz

Hi again~
It's a very common thing women do is to put ourselves last on the list for anything. We're natural givers, nurturers, listeners and basically whatever someone else needs or wants we're there to give. Now being a giving person isn't a bad thing - I do it all the time to where I think it drives my husband nuts, but he's on the receiving end of most of my giving and never has complained about it. (hmmmm)

But it's hard when others come to us to have someone who will listen to them, yet those of us who are givers have no shoulder to lean on, no one who wants to listen to our needs. It looks like you're in this type of situation. I'm like you...a giver and a caregiver. That's a HUGE responsibility when you are feeling well but when you are struggling it can be a nightmare! Are you able to have a serious conversation with your husband about what your needs are? It seems like he isn't tuned in to your health issues and how they affect you. If you explain that you aren't able to lift anyone, cook for and clean up after another person in the house or run errands that are bound to come up like doctor appointments, maybe it will give him something to think about. Hopefully he can take a look from your side. He may not 'get it' but it may be worth a try.

Good luck and keep in touch,
Chutz

Uggh I’m so bad at setting boundaries
I had a big fight with my husband when I tried to talk about it and also tell him how it hurt me how he ignored my mother in her time of need
He said your mother treated you bad! I said but she was still my mother and I needed your support and you did not give it!
So he doesn’t get it and already I see him not watching his mom like he should and then telling me get her arm!
So she’s here and so far so good
I asked her if she’d like some ice tea and she said yes and she told me don’t wait on me I can pour you have enough to do 🙂
That’s why I love my mother in law

Hi all
still hanging in
Still sleeping poorly unless I take Advil pm or Xanax but the grogginess they cause the next day are a detriment so trying to do without. A very much loved client sent me a package full of pampering items including a calming pillow spray that actually seems to help! Her sentiment in the card made me cry. She says I have made an impact in both her professional & personal life. I can't believe how many people I have had contact in my career have taken it upon themselves to reach out to me and say how sorry they are that we are closing and to tell me not to worry as I know my stuff and do a great job. They offer contacts and ask for my resume to shop around. Why don't I feel as confident in myself?
I promised myself I would finalize my resume this weekend but I did not.
My MIL is a sweetheart and is helpful and is easy to have around but my husband can not tolerate her hard of hearing and doesn't like the constant company so he is outside most of the time avoiding her.I'm tired of her asking where he is and making excuses for him. I feel embarrassed but not sure why....it's her son.
Had a scary episode with her where she seemed to have a brief stroke like occurence. We were shopping and she was having trouble with her shopping list and she couldn't say the word she had written down. It was garbled or a non existent word that she would speak. I cut the trip short and had her sit on the bench while I got the car. It resolved it's self. She was OK on the ride home but she was aware of what happened and we spoke of it o the way home. We took her BP when we got home and it was low. She took a couple tylenol and rested. I made her lunch and she ate everything. We took her BP again. The top number was high but the bottom number was only 59. She says thats normal for her. She felt fine and acted fine. Husband doesn't want to talk about it. He didn't see the episode and sys shes fine. I'm on guard and worried it was a TIA and who knows what may come. However she did bake a cake from scratch today- delicious! Some of my children were here for dinner today and we had a nice time.

WRAS,

What a wonderful gift you received...I am not surprised...but know it was an unexpected thing to treasure...so enjoy those items and words if affirmation.❤

As far as your MIL's episode...low BP, and also low blood sugar can both cause cognitive challenges...so make sure she eats regularly and stays hydrated...

...and yes, a doctor's check up should be scheduled to ensure all is well.

I am glad that all in all things are alright, and that you are feeling okay with the situation and with your added caregiving. Push hubs to wake up and get involved, as he doesn't seem to be showing signs of doing it in his own.:/

Peace and orogress,

S.C.