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Posted 10/25/2006 5:14 PM (GMT 0)

My latest panic attack was just past weekend.

Friday night, I had one for about 30min-1hr.
For the rest of the night and next morning, I fell into a depression stage.

That afternoon, I had another panic attack.
My panic attacks are very violent and My bf witnessed the panic attack and he wanted to call somebody, anybody. I didn't let him. I fought him to stop him from calling people. I was trying to tell him that I don't want anybody to know about it. But it came out the wrong way. I was out of breath, barely could breathe and my body just made movements that I didn't understand. It scared him and he called me a psycho.

I'm afraid that another panic attack would injure me.
Finally this monday, I faced my problem and went to go talk to a doctor.

Although, I'm now on zoloft and planning to get therapies, nothing else is better.
My bf basically broke up with me the day after the last panic attack. He told me that he doesn't want to deal with it and couldn't go on in a relationship with someone like me. Before he found out about all these problems, he used to tell me that I was perfect.

This is very devastating. Because of my abusive childhood, I no longer talk to my family. I haven't for 4 years. All my friends are moved away or busy with their own families. All I had was my bf.
Even when I was going through series of depression, he was the only reason I could go on.
Now that he is gone, I am just hopeless. And I am very shocked that he just kick me to the curve when I needed support and care the most.
Going thrugh all these problems are extremely hard for me. I have nightmares almost every night, that's if I can go to sleep. When I'm alone, the darkness takes over me and I feel very scared and afraid. Since i'm in college, I try to keep myself busy with school but when I'm depressed like this, I can't possibly get myself motivated to study.

I know that I'm not the only one going through these problems.
But not having anybody there for you to support is very hard. Especially during holidays, I get even more depressed. Everyone is talking about going home, being with their family and loved ones. And I have no where to go. no one to be with. I hate victimize myself but often I find myself crying silently because I feel very sad for myself.
I'm afraid to tell any of my friends about my problems...I feel like I will drive them away too. Nobody wants more drama in their lives.

I'm worried how I am going to get through today, or tomrrow, or the next day.

I need an inspiration...anything that will help me go on.

*****No Matter what you may think hun you are worth something *YOU* are special and I am so glad you found us here at HW

let us help you out and be the soft pillow to land on please

I am so darn sorry for all you are going thru but there is ALWAYS hope no matter how bad a situation gets remember that please

Keep posting and let us get to know you and you us okay

Lyn

Posts with self harm indications  are not allowed 

PLease do seek professional help asap

crisis line or a thereapist asap

Lyn

Post Edited By Moderator (Howlyncat) : 10/25/2006 12:50:03 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/25/2006 5:23 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Puppylove, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I just said a prayer for you (hope you don't mind). It's not fair that your bf left you because of this - life is unfair. My husband left me after 4 months of marriage. I wasn't depressed and I didn't have a PA, I just had migraines. He didn't want to be inconveinced by someone like me. He was looking for someone to take care of him. I think that people like us try extra hard to be "normal" but you don't have to do that. Just be yourself and it will become apparent who your real friends are. Are you taking anti-depressant meds and meds for anxiety? Do you have a talk-therapist? I think that it is very important that you have a therapist at this time. You can go on. Believe me, you can. Just take one day at a time - do the things that make you feel good. Don't hide from your friends. Your real friends will want to comfort you. Don't take it personal if they don't - you have the Healing Well forum now. Hang in there.
Posted 10/25/2006 5:30 PM (GMT 0)
Puppylove, im sooooo sorry that sounds so horrible, life isnt fair, but please dont feel so alone, youve found us and we will be here to help in any way we can. Welcome to our family. We need you, we want to hear about you and there are so many great people in here. Have you been to a doc??? There are many diff meds and ways to help this horrible stuff. May i ask where you live??? I know some dont want drugs, but some of us just have to have something. Panic attacks are horrible, but there could be something else hanging around too. I know its hard, but please dont be so scared. I go by (as do most of us) little baby steps that are small accomplishments weve made, no matter how small we think, its a step forward. Abuse is a horrible thing to deal with, been there, causes some to start these p/a IMO. I also know how it feels to make someone feel like they have to run away from you, its not fair, but we are better off with people that understand. Feel free to vent, talk as much as youd like here, my info is on the side here, if you want to chat on yahoo or msn, i wish you all the best in the world, and my thoughts and prayers are with you. HUGE HUGS
Shell
Posted 10/25/2006 6:52 PM (GMT 0)
*HUGGGS* Puppylove, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Welcome to OUR family now hon, we're here for you. When I had no one to turn to, I came here and found tons of support.

I know what exactly you're going through as my former bf could not handle my panic disorder either. He thought I was making it up, that it didn't exist, that it was just some weird "thing".

I don't like the panic attacks either... AT ALL.... but know that you're not alone in this, and it's good that you found us.

Have you considered seeing a therapist to talk about the abuse? I think that would help. I'm doing CBT right now (cognitive behavioral therapy) and they say many anxiety/depression sufferers develop their disorders from their childhood.

I could email you all the CBT lessons if you'd like. It's free of course and it helps you think more positive.

I'm sorry that you're boyfriend ran away and wouldn't be there for you in this tough situation. *HUGS* I know what that's like.

I would definately say that the holidays are hard, but we're all here, and I'll probably be in here on Christmas Eve having a panic attack because I won't be able to drive to a relative's house.

I can picture it now.

Oi.

I'll say a prayer for you hon, and if you want, you should come in the anxiety/panic chatroom. I'm in there mostly at night, and sometimes during the day if you want to talk.

There are many other people that go into the a/p chatroom as well that would love to talk to you. :)

If you ever need anything, don't be afraid to ask.

Twiggygal~
Posted 10/25/2006 11:21 PM (GMT 0)
Oh sweetheart I’m so sorry you are going through a hard time right know. Keep your head high things will get better. This summer was a panic/anxiety/depression nightmare and I got through it and I know you will too. As for your boyfriend I understand how heart broken you must feel right know. I've had boy's in my life leave me because of certain things about myself and it crushed my self-esteem. But as time passed I realized that they were for sure not the right one for me. Yes, I have anxiety and yes I have serious issues from my childhood also but I also have very many other wonderful loving qualities about myself and so do you don't forget that. Keep reminding yourself everyday what great qualities you have. Your boyfriend had no right to leave you over anxiety. He sounds extremely immature let him go there will be someone out there for you who will love you just as you are.
I can also understand not speaking to family members regarding certain things in the past. It took years to start talking with my father and still it's few and far between. I'm sending you lots and lots of hugs and loving warm thoughts. You can e-mail me anytime you feel you need to talk. Hang in their sweetheart and keep posting you will find lots of great loving support on this board.

hugs,
Georgia
Posted 10/26/2006 12:35 AM (GMT 0)

As I read your post two thoughts and a suggestion came to mind:

1.  Perhaps the stress of keeping your secret is partly to blame for how bad your anxiety is.  I know that before I told people close to me the fear of them finding out was causing me greater stress.

2.  In my experience every time I assume that my friends are too busy with their own lives to bother with me, I am completely wrong.  They understand how much we need each other.  Let them be there for you.  Someday it will be your turn to be there for them.

Suggestion - If you are in college you must be located somewhere near a medical center. Check and see if that medical center has a support group for people with anxiety.  If they do, and you go to it, it will give you a ready made group of people who understand what you are going through.  We here all understand but sometimes you just need to hear an understanding voice out loud.

PupLove - I am really proud of you for reaching out and getting help.  You may feel like you can't handle what is going on right now but you already are handling it by being here and seeing your doctor.  So what if you, or any of us lose control and bawl our eyes out and so what if we have good days and bad days.  The entire world needs to have a good cry everyonce in a while and the entire world has good days and bad days, just like we do.   I always look at forgiveness as a key to getting started.  Forgiveness isn't about the person who wronged you, it is about you.  Forgiveness doesn't mean that you approve of what happened.  It simply means that you will no longer let it control you and you will no longer let that kind of anger be in charge of you.  Maybe you could begin by forgiving yourself a little bit at a time.  You are strong and you are smart and you are going to get better.

Georgia5 - I respectfully disagree about the boyfriend.  Perhaps leaving her at the time that he did was poor timing but he does have a right to take care of himself and what he needs.  All of us understand the unique kind of pressure that dealing with anxiety can put on our loved ones.  Hopefully those loved ones will be able to stand by us but if they can't I think it is better to know that and be able to face what we have to face with honesty.

Posted 10/26/2006 1:20 AM (GMT 0)
Puppylove,
I hate you going thru this, but believe it or not, you are truly better off w/o that so-called boyfriend! I don't understand people like that at all! His loss!!!!
Hang in there! Keep posting!
HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
janet
Posted 10/26/2006 2:16 AM (GMT 0)
Wow...you are one brave lady..hang in there..the one person you do have in your life is 'you' and even tho you are not feeling too great right now..you are making all the right moves towards feeling better...'you' have reached out and asked for help..and you will find some fantastically wise people here...
Take one day at a time..remember you are in charge of your life and what goes on around you...
seek help from your medical professional...
Take good care.
Maree
Posted 10/26/2006 6:33 PM (GMT 0)
I read your post. I'm new here but I had to respond. I know the stress of school can be overwhelming. Especially when it's so difficult to get the momentum going to "get up and get the work done". I'm sure that's adding to your anxiety. Is there any way to temporarily reduce your workload? Can you span it out a bit if at all possible to give yourself a bit of a break? Is there support/guidance staff associated with your teaching institution that can direct you or give your some support? I was thinking that on the holidays volunteers are sorely needed in many ways. If you are able to give to others (and I truly understand if this suggestion is just to much for you) perhaps you could donate a few hours volunteer time??? Outside of the school setting, something more in your local community. I'm like you. I don't tell my friends or family about my problems. I'm quite cut off from my family because of a traumatic childhood and past abuse. Please don't cut yourself off from this group. Post often. When you are feeling well, go for a walk. Sit in the cafeteria. Go to a movie. Try and meet someone new. There is a special person out there who is right for you. Be patient. Time heals. Corny but true. He was not the right man for you. You are special and will find someone who will truly appreciate you. I am thinking of you. Take care, Lyn.
Posted 10/26/2006 9:40 PM (GMT 0)
Lyn I have to say that you have given some great input to this thread
Thanks for being so considerate and jumping right in just after joining I think that is just great
glad to have you giving such good advise
I believe you will be an asset to this forum
Keep on posting
take care
Lyn ...LOL.........
Canada Lyn too
How weird is that lol
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