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anxiety... relationship dependency.. trust...depression? long story, scared

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Posted 1/4/2007 3:22 PM (GMT 0)
Hi all, I haven't posted here in a long time. My last posts were about my fairly new developments with anxiety during the summer and experimenting with two different meds my doctor prescribed (lexapro and effexor).

I was terribly afraid of going back to school (my last semester of college) and I didn't think the medicine would help. Rather than take it, I sought help through a psychologist and eventually the fears of going to class went away. As a result, I graduated and I have something positive to look forward to.

However, during this time, I began to notice some other problems. My girlfriend and I have been extremely close the past 5 months because the majority of my friends moved away last year (when I was supposed to graduate, before the anxiety took over). I felt that she was always there for me and never judged me for my problem. She has issues of her own stemming from childhood when her mother abandoned her and family alcohol issues.

Over the summer she had an interest in another guy she worked with. We weren't getting along at the time and I felt that she just needed the attention of someone because of her dependency. Well, despite how much she said she loved me, she went out one night when she was mad (we had broken up at this point) and made some bad decisions because her judgment was impaired by alcohol. When I found out about it she denied it because she wanted to stay with me. As much as it hurt, I wanted to stay with her because I loved her and felt like I needed her. I felt that my anxiety wasn't really controlled without a stable constant in my life.

I am a very mistrusting person due to past relationships of being cheated on, lied to, and my father cheating on my mom and telling me to lie to her about it. The situation over the summer didn't help.

To fast forward, I can't get past these things. Whenever my girlfriend and I get into a fight, I always bring up events from the summertime, which I know is unfair to her. When we are together, I couldn't ask for anything more because things are generally good and we are both happy. But whenever she wants to go out with friends, I get really anxious and mistrusting. I trust her as a person, but not when she drinks. She said she would go to a therapist, but stopped going. She stopped taking an SSRI that was prescribed because she didn't like the side effects.

The most recent argument came after new years eve when she blacked out for a few hours from drinking hard alcohol. I wasn't with her but we talked at midnight and I called her when I was going to bed. The next day, she said she didn't even remember talking to me the second time. I felt so sick and wondered how I could even trust her ever again. I couldn't help but think about what could've happened with her even though she asserts that nothing did. I'm not worried about her loving me or wanting to be with me (she has hinted at being with me for a VERY long time), but I am worried about her alcohol problems.

Something tells me deep down that it doesn't feel right to stay with her. But I feel like I have developed an unhealthy dependency on her, kind of what I thought she had with me at the beginning. I feel like my anxiety is going to turn into depression because I can't imagine not being with her. I feel like I have nowhere to go. It's lonely living in this town (where I finished college) without her, and I don't want to move back home because my mom is getting remarried soon and her boyfriend has been staying there (that's too weird for me).

She said she would stop drinking hard alcohol and go talk to a group of some sort. I would want her to stop drinking all together, but I know that it probably isn't a realistic request. I'm just worried if I run from this that it will make me extemely unhappy and more panicky, and that my future relationships will end up the same way. I'm also afraid of not finding someone who will understand my anxiety like she does.

I told her I was willing to try taking an SSRI again to control my negative thoughts and trust issues. But in the meantime, I still don't know what is right. Is this more trouble than it's worth? Is my anxiety and fear just getting the best of me here?

I'm so afraid of taking a chance because I don't want to get hurt by it. Sorry if this is in the wrong forum confused

- Matt
Posted 1/4/2007 6:01 PM (GMT 0)
Good Morning!

I think it's your anxiety that is getting the best of you.  I am having trust issues with my boyfriend as well.  I busted him in the middle of december talking to an ex girlfriend that when she drinks, calls him up to ask if she can come over and sleep with him.  he was in love with her for a year and a half, but she was trashy and it didn't work out.  for the past 8 months, he was telling me he never spoke to her and maybe since the time him and i have been together, that they spoke maybe 12 times if that.  well, i did my own research, got ahold of phone bills, etc. and saw that they have been talking ALL the time.  he claims he never cheated on me which i believe him, but now i am constantly checking phone bills, which now you can view text messages online as well.  i check this frequently throughout the day, which is not healthy for our relationship.  sometimes if we go out and have a couple drinks, i too throw all of this in his face.  it's true though, once you break the trust, it's hard to rebuild, and i told him that.  i have been stressed out with a lot of things since september, regarding financials, my job, trying to get back in shape, etc, that my anxiety levels are high, and what he pulled off with the trust issue doesn't help!  I know I'm dwelling on this as well, even though he has been faithful to me.  my problem with that is i still question him as to why he would keep in touch with her knowing that she wants to sleep with him and she knows he's with me.  i have let it drive me crazy, which i know that if i want to be with him, i have to calm down, which i have.  it has gotten better.  i still do question everything though, like, if he goes out with his friends, what if she calls, and if he's intoxicated ,and she is, etc. etc. etc.  but i know he loves me, and i don't think he is still talking to her, as he told me he doesn't want to lose me.

You're situation is a bit different, considering she had already past that point in the summer. 

but one thing you do have to think about, is if you're going to keep dwelling on this, break up now, because you guys won't be able to be happy.  if you want to be with her, then, like myself, you're just going to have to learn to get over it!!  it's hard i know, because i'm going through the same feelings with the trust issues, but you're just going to have to bite your tongue when you want to bring up the past!  how i viewed my situation, is , am i going to let a trashy girl break up me and my boyfriend who i do love??  obviously not.  so don't let this guy who meant nothing to her come in the way of your happiness.  it will take time, which i've realized myself, but in reality, you love her, she loves you and wants to be with you, and if you can't imagine life without her, the past is going to have to be forgotten.  I hope though, that everytime she goes out and drinks, that it doesn't become a habit.  and is not a habit already.

overall, i think the fact that we already have anxiety, makes all of this so much worse!!

I hope things work out for the best for you!

Take care!!!

Posted 1/4/2007 7:09 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the reply! Wow, our situations sound exactly alike! It's sad, but I've been paranoid and have checked her e-mail, almost trying to find clues, and when I find the slightest thing, I try to pick a fight. I REALLY hate it.

We were broken up over the summer, but we had an agreement not to see other people. Not the best arrangement I know, but it still feels like a betrayal of trust. She has never done anything when we have been together, it's just that I fear that it can happen, and I want to protect myself. If I can stop being so negative and more trustworthy, then I know things would be a lot better for me and my relationship. It's almost as if the anxiety acts as a defense mechanism.

I'm scared to commit for some reason. This never would have happened if I would have just hung out with her in the first place. That's what I love about her... She always wants to do something with me first, it's not like she wants to always go out and I can't do anything about it. I just feel weird sometimes.

I don't know, any other ideas? Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it :-)
Posted 1/4/2007 8:02 PM (GMT 0)
That's nice how you're first on her list!  That shows you what her top priority is! 

You had that agreement not to see other people, and if it wasn't for the alcohol, it never would have happened.  As much as the thought of what happened tortures you, maybe try to think of all the good things, and how she always wants to be with you, etc.  I think that if you're still together after that happening and all the stress it has caused, you're still together for a reason, because you guys obviously were meant to be together. 

My mom and dad are still married, but years ago, one night after work, my dad went out with his friends.  He never came home that night, nor the next day, or night, or day after that.  My mom was a basket case.  It turned out that he cheated on my mom with a woman he met that night, and when he woke up in the morning, he was sick with himself to see him in bed with that woman.  He couldn't bring himself to come home, so he stayed gone for a couple days.  (I don't remember all the details, as i was only in grade 3 i think it was-but my mom was telling me about this not too long ago).  Anyways, in the end they ended up staying together.  I asked my mom how she was able to forgive him, and she said 'not that i'm using the drink as an excuse, but I know your father, and he would never do that in a sober state'.  plus, my mom and dad had 4 of us, and we were all quite young, etc.  For me, I don't know if I could forgive and forget, but at least in your situation, you really weren't together, and she followed the agreement, except for that one drunken night.  Alcohol is the biggest sin i believe, because it makes people behave in ways they really wouldn't.  I think she should just find a drink that she can handle (it took me a while to find mine!!!), so that she doesn't black out (there's a lot of drinks out there that make me black out too, thank god though that when i have gone out and that has happened, i've been with my sister and close friends, otherwise, i could have gotten myself into a whole lot of trouble!!)  Anxiety does make situations worse than they really are, i know for a fact, because i obsess over the same thing over and over!!  If you really love her and want to be with her, as in my situation, all we can do is forgive and forget!!!! even though it sounds so simple, it is so hard, but that's all we can do to preserve our relationships.  my mom told me, if i keep bringing this up and hounding him, he'll be the one to leave me in the end because he'll be so sick of it.  I'm sure we can do this!!!!

Posted 1/4/2007 9:11 PM (GMT 0)
Amazing, I feel the same way again. Despite how much she seems to sympathize with my anxiety, I just think that one of these days she will say "enough!" It isn't worth it for me to keep obsessing and worrying about it, but it's hard when I used to date someone who really was a bad person. I've just been questioning whether I can get past all the negative thoughts and whether it's because I can forgive her because I really love her, or because I really need her (which isn't a good feeling).

Thanks for sharing your story too! A lot of my pessimism is built up because my Dad lied to my Mom repeatedly for at least 5 years. He told me to lie to my mom about what he did (he used to take me to his girlfriend's house) and I knew it was wrong at such a young age. I used to cry and my mom that all I ever wanted was a normal family, and swore that I would never be in a relationship that ended in divorce because I wouldn't want my kids to experience that. Well, luckily my girlfriend feels the same way because of what her mom did to her. We compliment each other really well. I just hope that I can get past this because I fear that it will be a reoccurring (paranoid) theme in future relationships if this one doesn't work.

I'm going to see a psychiatrist next week to discuss the possibility of medicine to improve my (lack of) optimism. I've been down on myself a lot ever since this anxiety started and it really hurts any progress that can be made in my relationship.
Posted 1/4/2007 9:21 PM (GMT 0)
It's good that you're getting help, but in my opinion, I don't think meds are the way out.  I think it's something you have to get over on your own.  I was in a relationship for 2.5 years with someone who is not a good person, he's actually the father of my 2 children too!  He cheated on me in the early stages of my second pregnancy, which of course, i had him hit the road then, and to this day, I still have trust issues with people.  But it's up to me whether or not i'm going to let that take over my life!  what happens if you go off the meds????  will all these feelings come back, will they come back worse than before????  i have never been on meds myself, but in a situation like this, i think that the help you need to overcome these feelings lies in your hands!  maybe you just need to talk to someone?  that might make you feel better permanently than what meds can do temporarily
Posted 1/4/2007 10:44 PM (GMT 0)
Again, I agree with you about getting over these things myself. I've never been a fan of meds. I never wanted to take them because I thought I could get through things myself. I got through school without them and that was my biggest challenge. However, I keep creating problems because I am WAY too cynical and negative, not only with trust and the relationship, but with lots of things. I do agree that if I take meds that it could be a problem that could resurface because the meds sometimes only mask a problem.

But I was thinking that maybe it would take the negativity away? If I can be more optimistic and embrace the change and actions my girlfriend is willing to give me, then it will be a good thing. I could probably learn to do it myself, but I don't want to be any more detrimental to the relationship than I already have by waiting for months. I don't expect a quick fix, but I want it to work so bad.

It's times like these that I feel that maybe I should just find someone with a clean slate, but it's so hard to imagine being with anyone else. And again, the next person may not understand me. :-)

I've been talking to her more about it and we've been trying to agree on situations where we are both comfortable. Good communication is the best thing I can do for now!
Posted 1/4/2007 11:22 PM (GMT 0)
I think you're right!  Good communication can get couples through mostly anything (as long as they want to be together)!!! :-)

Since your girlfriend knows and understands your anxiety, I'm sure she also understands how badly you wish you could put this behind you. 

I don't know what else to say!!  All I know is it takes time!  i'll know i'm over my situation, when i no longer feel like i have to check up on his phone bill or check text messages.  i feel like i'm almost there, but not completely yet!  it's not a good comfortable way to live, but sooner or later, i'm sure it will all be good!  How i see it, is if you can't picture yourself being married to this person, why waste time and stay in something that is going nowhere.  I know you mentioned how because of your anxiety, it's comfortable to be with her, because what if nobody else ever understood you, etc.  But if you're not happy, that will cause more anxiety.  And I'm sure someone down the road will understand you.  my boyfriend doesn't understand the half of my anxiety levels,

but then again, I keep a lot of my anxiety to myself.   

Posted 1/4/2007 11:52 PM (GMT 0)
well thanks again for all of the advice and support. i'll give an update on things soon.
Posted 1/5/2007 12:10 AM (GMT 0)
No problem!  I know I probably sounded a bit repetitive toward the end!!!!  anyways good luck!!!  Hear from you soon!!
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