There's no silver lining anymore

_{There just doesn't seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel anymore and Im not sure how to handle that. I've spent the day crying and feeling sorry for myself. Im trying not to. But after feeling so bad for so long and having hope that one day it will just go away and i'll feel " normal" , it was all shattered. I know i could have plenty worse things then chronic fatigue and fibro. I know that there are people out there even on this board who have way bigger problems then i have. But I feel that the silver lining that I have dreamnt of has been taken away from me. I will never feel better. Sure I might have days I feel okay. But I'll never have the energy my small children deserve in a mother. I'll never be able to just go run around with them and bounce on the trampoline or even walk around Disney world with them without wearing my body down to where it cant ..just cant move anymore. I've lived like this for 4 years and I thought that one day it would go away. Or one day a Dr would say..well we know what it is and this is how we can cure it. I realize now, having those hopes was just wishful thinking on my part and down deep I guess i realized that it wouldnt happen. But now I hear... you'll suffer with this for the rest of your life and it is just tearing me down. I am only 27 years old. I didn't think that was that old until yesterday when both my mother in law and Dr reminded me..hey julie..you're not young anymore. Im sad and depressed and feel like I just have nothing to look forward to in life anymore except getting older and my condition worseing and eventually dying miserable. My husband doesn't get it. He is in  no way is a supportive husband. Never has been, but its something I have just overlooked and dealth with. He doesn't have a sensitive bone in his body. I know it comes from his upbringing or lack there of I should say. But it angers me that instead of understanding how I feel or talking to me about how sad I am. The only words I get from him are.. " I guess you'll use this as an excuse to not clean" I even tried quitting smoking on Monday because he told me how much he needed me and how he wants me to live a long life. Now we both have gone through me trying to quit smoking a million times and it always ended badly with him not being able to take my mood swings and fits of anger that i DOOO get when I quit. So this time he promised and swore he would be more understanding and wouldn't get angry with me. That lasted for about a day. Im back to smoking today.I just feel like I'm alone and no one really gets how I feel. My best friend is wonderful and I know she tries so hard to understand and be supportive and tells my husband off when he is just being his jackass self, but even she doesnt truely get how i feel. Like my life that I had to look forward to has been taken away from me by some syndrom that I dont even fully understand.}

_{I just needed to vent a little to people that I know "get" what its like. Thanks for reading.}

First off 27 isn't old. 27 isn't even middle aged :). I feel the way you feel often. It is never any fun when you are told you have something that will stay with you for the rest of your life. It can be devastating to conclude that your "idea" of normal isn't going to happen. I suggest that you change that idea of what is a normal life. You wrote that you will never have the energy your small children deserve. My mother has MS and never was able to do any of the things you cited above but was caring, responsible, and emotionally available whenever and however I needed her. That is what motherhood is about and that is what your children will remember. I am also a smoker and it is very hard for the people around me when I have tried to quit. It is a addiction it doesn't go away over night and no matter how many times you tell them this they will never get it. Have you tried any aids to help? I did good with the patch and quit for about a year and a half but started again because I'm a doofus lol. I think that it is great you know exactly who your husband is and aren't in fantasy land regarding his sympathies or lack thereof. My husband is the same way. You could be laying in bed dying and he's wonder what is for dinner. Some people are like that. My husband is in no way a mean man and I know for a fact he loves me but like you stated they don't get "it" Knowing exactly who people are makes a relationship easier. With that said you need to find someone who does get it since you can't depend on him with this. The only people that will truly understand are the ones who are going through the same things. I hope that you feel better soon and if you ever need to talk about anything (I have small children too) give me a shout.

hunniebee-

I was in the same place you are a few weeks ago. I'm still there every now and then. I totally understand where you are coming from. Sometimes it hurts to even think about moving around and doing anything. I deal with a plethora of things everyday. Some days it's all I can do to get out of bed. Today marks day 4 of not having been outside my house, not even outside the doorway. I tend to coop up and isolate when I feel this way. I know it doesn't do any good but there is only so much you can take on a daily basis and each day you have to decide where that line is.

I can also relate to an unsupportive husband. I lived with one for 10 years before I got the courage to leave his sorry a**. He was emotionally and verbally abusive. He thought all the aches and pains weren't real, I was making them up. He never believed me. I've never been one to fake anything like that or cry wolf for attension.

I'm remarried now to a wonderful supportive husband who worships the ground I walk on. He is my very best friend and I don't know what I'd do without him. He is my rock. He deals with all of my aches, pains and mood swings like a pro.

Every once in awhile I see that light at the end of the tunnel and sometimes it disappears from view but it's still there. Things can only get better, just keep your head up and trudge through it all.

Thank you all so much for your replies. You dont know how much they mean to me. I feel less alone knowing there are people who understand.
btflnvy thank you so much for reminding me Im not old LOL and im not a horrible person for having such a hard time quitting smoking. Your words about my kids and what defines a good mother really lifted my spirits. I do sit and color with them, listen to their stories, sit and play barbies and read with them. I tell them daily how much i love each and every one of them. So maybe im not so bad of a mother just because i cant go run around with them. You're an angel.
BethEllen- I would love to keep in touch with you. I need a friend. I know that might sound pathetic to some. But i just have a really hard time connecting to people and you seem like such a caring person. So feel free to email me anytime. My yahoo email is listed under my name on my posts.
Seechell- I too stay in my house for DAYS. I knwo how unhealthy it is or at least thats what some will say but for me and it sounds like for you too..sometimes we just need those days locked in to keep us sane and able to gain control over our emotions again. Im glad you found a wonderful man. My husband is a good man. i dont want to mislead anyone. He is not abusive in any way. He is just ....well an insentive jackass sometimes. But i do know he loves me more then life itself. He actually sat down with me today after my post here to ask what he could do to help me get through this. I just cried because at least one prayer was answered.
freezinginAk- always wanted to ask you..how cold is it there? lol Thank you for your supportive words. I knwo I can get thru this and find my own sense of normalty I just need to get my head straight and figure things out from here on out. Your advicee will be heeded. I am going to start resting more on down days saving enery for days ahead when i know i will need it. And if the house doesnt get scrubbed spotless because of it . So be it.
Again thank you all for your support it really helped get me out of my phunk today. Blessings to you all

I have had this since I was young and I am now 53 I am just leaning new coping skills from others here and THEY do work
THERE is a light hun you will see that right now you are down in that dark hole I just came out of I felt like giving up and letting it all go to Hades BUT I came here got my support and love from all that are here for YOU too
Do not give up please I promies you this it will get better not fast and not with quick fixes but with FIGHTING it and doing things to make it get better
Your kids need you
'We need you
YOU NEED YOU
Fight babe fight
We are here
email me if you want okay
See your blessings you have some I know you do
Not just th negatives plz
post and let us know how things are
'We are your other family ya know and will be here
Luvs '
Lyn