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Mom is diagnosed with cancer, having trouble coping

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Posted 1/25/2007 9:09 PM (GMT 0)
Hi guys,

My mom was diagnosed in august of this year with lung CA. Then it mets to her brain and it grew even with all the chemo and radiation. I feel so guilty because I couldn't travel due to being so ill and then the operation.
She called me yesterday and they found a new tumor in her brain and another behind her ribs. I want to be there, but I cannot right now, still recoverying and the surgeon says that I need rest and that I would end up feeling worse taking care of my mom 24/7. My sister lives a mile down the road and is always there to help, and it should not be all on her shoulders. Please help with some advice.

LUV YA,
Krissie
Posted 1/25/2007 9:51 PM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry I haven't got any advise for you. I just want you to know that I'm praying for you and yours and give you a big hug.
(((((((((krissie)))))))))
Posted 1/26/2007 12:16 AM (GMT 0)

  Krissie

 You and me are kind of in the same spot my Dad is dieing from his diabetes and there is nothing I can do about it, but be there by phone since he lives in the lower 48 I know that he only has a few more months to live but every call means more to him knowing that I care for him dearly

  I'm sorry that you too are having to deal with this to but your Mother know deep down in her heart that you love her so, and knows you need to heal and can't allways be by her side but every call or visit you do means a lot more then you think to her.

  Take care Krissie, I'm alway's there for you girl

  Cowboy up

Posted 1/26/2007 12:32 AM (GMT 0)
Hello Krissie

Honey I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I lost my mother to cancer a few years ago and I will let you in on something. I was the one taking care of her but the feelings are still there not being able to help her in anyway other then my voice and love to calm her. Just keep the phone call's going and let her know she can call anytime day or in the middle of the night that you are there for her.
Posted 1/26/2007 12:38 AM (GMT 0)
Is there anyway you could perhaps go there just for to keep her company ?? and maybe do little things like water plants or something hun
Might help all ya out to be together right now or is that outta the question and if so then do call her daily that is so true what Cowboy Up says ...........Keeping you i thoughts and prayers mom and sis too
Lyn
Posted 1/26/2007 12:54 AM (GMT 0)
*Gentle loving hugs for Krissie*

I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer with mets to the lymph nodes at the end of 2005. All of 2006 was chemo, bilateral mastectomies, more time in hospital due to infection, radiation, and now a wound care specialist to heal the radiation burns. BUT...as far as we know I am in remission for now.

My boyfriend's father passed at the end of October from lung cancer mets to his brain. He wanted to badly to die at home but we couldn't accomodate him....he was delusional part of the time and too big of a man for any of us to control if he was delusional at home. I know the whole family is still feeling guilty that he passed in the hospital, but I will never forget the last time I spoke with him. This man resented me for taking his son away from him. Now mind you....this son was 50 at the time. Near the end I was at the hospital with him almost every day, depending on my own strength, and I remember telling him it was ok to go. That the family would be fine. I have rather eclectic beliefs, one of them being I believe when we pass our spirit lives on, and welcomes those who follow behind us. The day before he passed, he was lucid, and I was alone with him.....and he was talking to his mother and sister (both passed years ago). He was asking what it's like, will it be ok......

Then he looked at me and I told him yes, you can go. You are done here and did such a wonderful job. Your body is tired, let it go. He asked about his son....and I said I would always be there. Then he told me he was sorry for resenting me and we made our peace.

He passed quietly the next day, while the oldest son was sitting with him. He asked his son to forgive him, and when the son said I forgive you Dad, he passed.

I have two sons, ages 11 and 25. I remember the night I told my youngest son that I had cancer. He lives in Alaska with his father, which made the news even harder. I was on the phone with him and his father, and I told him what was going on, explained chemo to him, which I had before the surgery. I promised him I would answer any questions he had as openly and honestly as I knew how. He asked a few questions and then I told him there was only one thing he could do to help for now....believe in me and trust me to make the right decisions. This past year, many times, he has asked how I am doing, what part of treatment am I in now, and what decisions am I making. I answer openly and honestly.

I am currently undergoing tests to see if I have mets recurrence or something else. I plan to keep fighting as I am not finished with what I need to do this time around.

Think about what your mom would say to this post hon. I believe she would want you to regain your own strength for now. You can call her and support her, surprise her with a care package of some of her favorite things....

I know it looks bad for your mom right now, but I also know the researchers are coming up with new things every day, and I know of many women on another forum who have cancer mets and are living very well, for many years.

Ask her what she wants you to do. Talk to her about how you feel. That will help her so much more than you being there physically with her when that would mean endangering yourself.

You can email me any time if you would like - just click the email icon under my username on this post. I wish you the best hon, and I'll do what I can to help you.

Love and hugs,

Michelle
Posted 1/26/2007 1:11 AM (GMT 0)
To all that have responded to my posting about my mom. It really helps to talk about it. I wish I could just go there and keep here company, but she and my dad keep telling me that I need to recover before coming to help no need for 3 sickies in the house they say. My dad has CA. also, but he takes oral chemo and it is under control, it is like a type of leukemia, but not...His blood gets very viscous and he has to go 3 times a month or so to have a pint drawn off......he is at risk for a heart attack or stroke at any time...he also has skin ca., but that too is fine..he had surgery to remove a tumor in his arm and lazer on the lesions on his face.


I call everyday, but sometimes she is just so tired or in so much pain...she doesn't email me anymore..first because what she wrote never made sense.....it looked like my 4 year old niece wrote it, she then fell on her daily walk w/my sister and broke her arm and now she cannot see well. She had to stop driving and can't even read with her glasses. She has it in her mind that it is the radiation, but I think it has to do with the new tumor they found. I'll know more by next week after her appt. with the oncologist.



I tell her I love her all of the time....I hope that that is enough for now.



LUV YA ALL,

Krissie
Posted 1/26/2007 1:30 AM (GMT 0)
Krissie you are doing great hun. May I suggest you send her a card in the mail or send her a small bright flower arrangment. That will cheer her up a lot too because everytime she looks at it she will think of you like you were there. Your family are in my prayers hun.
Posted 1/26/2007 1:40 AM (GMT 0)
Great idea Misskittie,



Thanks for being here for me. Talk with you and everyone else later, I have to try to get some sleep. With all that has been going on with me and my mom, I don't sleep much at all. It is awful...Just one night, thats all I ask. But until I get better with what is going on with me and I am there for my mom, the psychiatrist says she isn't surprised that I don't sleep, even with the lunesta. Oh well, I don't mean to sound negative, just been a really rough couple of days....I have been hurting like****, and I don't know why, and then the new news with my mom....she already had a tumor in her brain that grew, now another? She is in so much pain, I feel guilty whining about myself and my problems. When I had my colectomy and colostomy, I wanted her so badly, but she couldn't take the drive....I felt so selfish....the priest that I saw every day for two weeks said I wasn't , but I think he was just trying to make me feel better.

You know, I am back in school to get my BA in psych, I already have a BSN in nursing.....but how can I become a therapist or psychologist if I can't even take control of my own life????
Posted 1/26/2007 1:54 AM (GMT 0)
Hon, you ARE taking charge....you are keeping your appointments, going to school, etc. - those are all examples of you taking care of you.
It does make sense that you wanted your mom with you when you had your surgery. Even though I have no contact with my biological family, I remember waking up in recovery after my mastectomies thinking "I want my mommy".
Look to see the good you are doing, both for yourself and for your family. Regain your strength and things one at a time. Alcoholics Anonymous is famous for there "one day at a time" slogan....but I'm here to tell you that sometimes that one day is just too dang much. It's ok to take it an hour at a time, or minutes.....break it up in pieces until it is at a stage you can manage.
I have faith in you - you will make it through all of this and be stronger for it. Keep your dreams in sight.

Love and hugs,

Michelle
Posted 1/26/2007 3:35 AM (GMT 0)
Krissie,

I'm sorry to hear about your mom, and the troubles you are having.  You are doing the best that you can for your mom and for yourself, and that it all anyone can ask of you.  It's so important for you to take care of yourself right now, so try not to feel guilty about that.  If you don't mind, I'll be praying for your mom, dad and for you as well.  Take care of you!

Posted 1/26/2007 5:42 PM (GMT 0)
I'm sending lots of prayers and big hugs to you. God bless.
Posted 1/26/2007 6:31 PM (GMT 0)
To Michelle, greyhound and junebug,

Thank you for all your support and no I do not mind any of you praying for my mom. Just got off the phone w/her and she is in a rotten mood. She has already gone through a huge amount of chemo and radiation and they have her off it now, but hse is still in tremendous pain..they give her vicodin for tolerable pain and dilodid (sp)? for the horrible pain and she is also on ativan and comapzine.

I told her that I should be able to get down to mass in a few weeks, on top of recoverying I need to get a new used car...one that is reliable for the trips and the girls, my cars transmission is gone and a few other things are wrong so it would be cheaper to get another one. Well, she told me that she doesn't need me to come down, she does not need help and I said we can talk and she said nothing to talk about, then I said maybe lunch and she said I don't know.

When she first found out about the tumor in her brain ( the 1st one ) she had to go in for some huge radiations and her head had to be stabilized..they could not give her anything, b/c they needed to see if she seized. Thsi time she is not sure if she will do it again, and I asked why and she said b/c they screw the halo into my head. I sad I didn't know and she said yes you knew, I told you, but you just don't listen.....I listen and write down everything. so in order to stop an argument....since she is in such a bad place........I told her that I may have just been so worried that I just blocked that out.....ans she still said no, It is that I don't listen.

Michelle, thanks for giving me that confidence.....I didn't realize school and such were me taking control and helping myself get well.....it meant a lot. Speaking of school, I have so much to do before the work is due...Monday bt midnight. I haven't been well emotionally and physically and don't feel like doing it.......I never let the work pile up...even in the hospital, I took my laptop and books to get my assignments done......
Posted 1/26/2007 7:29 PM (GMT 0)
Stay srong Hun you are doing an awesome job
'So proud of you and what you are dealing with and facing every day
Email me when you are up to it I know how tired u must be I am totally exhauted and not dealing wihall you are Give Your mom a hug and som e butterfly kisses k
Lyn/Sis
** each of us are supporting,keeping you in our thoughts ,and some praying for u as well hun it will all come out good **
Posted 1/26/2007 9:55 PM (GMT 0)
Oh God Lyn,

You have way more on your plate than I do right now....I soooo appreciate the kind words and that you have me in your prayers. I keep you in mine and hope that with each day things will get better for you...get some rest, as I will try to do the same.... the girls got picked up by their dad and I have the weekend mostly by myself.......my ex is on the couch.....sll of the time..I keep myself in my room now, on my comfy bed. I want to kick him out, but I don't have it in me to put someone out with no money......he gets only 400 a month and won't work...I keep telling him he needs to get a job, or he is out, and then he puts the guilt on me...fine I'll just sleeep outide....he has burned too many bridges.

Luv ya,
sis
Posted 1/26/2007 10:03 PM (GMT 0)
*BIG HUGS* I am so sorry about your mom krissie. It's tough when loved ones have CA, as both my grandmothers had CA and so did my uncle.


Stay strong for her, if you can't get over to her house, just call her on the phone, and talk to her, comfort her, and maybe try to make her laugh and smile.


*HUGS*


TG~
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