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I have a secret and I'm really scared.....

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Posted 2/9/2007 7:47 PM (GMT 0)
Some of you know my history, ER's, hospital stays etc. My meds are locked in a safe. My husband gives me my meds for the day and hides the key. I found the key the other day. I have told NO ONE!! Just here and now is the first time I'm actually talking about it. I had an appt. with my therapist today, didn't tell her. I now have access to all of my pills again. I'm scared that I know where it is, I'm scared of what my family will do if they find out I know where it is. I'm scared I may do something dumb in a major depression. Any advise?

I don't know what to do. I guess that's not true, the right thing is to tell my husband. But I feel like I'm back in control of something in my life again. I don't want to relinquish that. I guess I want someone to validate my feelings and the reasonings behind them. That may or may not happen. I feel like we are a family here and I can take the criticism, but please be gentle.

Posted 2/9/2007 9:36 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Chelle,

I don't know your full story so I'll just comment on your post.

I can understand how important it is to be in control of your life, but by reading the post I'm guessing that at times past you haven't been.

I'd advise your hubby that you found the key, but never used it. I think it's a big step forward that you could trust yourself. If you're still in an unsafe place though you do need to hand the key back to hubby straight away.

Maybe you could work with hubby, him unlocking the safe and you removing your meds from the safe while he's there. That way you stay safe but have some control of your own healing.
Posted 2/10/2007 12:12 AM (GMT 0)

  Hi seechell,

  I do recall your past with your meds seechell and you don't need to go back to that again for you never know when that kind of depression will hit you again, so when he gets home tell him that you had found the key but did not use it and he we be more proud of you and yourself that you did the right thing and that I'm just backing up what Aussieangel had said for it is true

  Cowboy up

 

Posted 2/10/2007 10:34 AM (GMT 0)
Chelle I totally agree with Dave on this the best thing would be to do what he has posted
I have to say it took guts to come here and tell us and I am so PROUD of you hun
God Bless
Do the right thing
Luvs
Lyn
* I believe Hubby will be proud when he knows you have not touched any pills even with key *
Kudos sweetie
Posted 2/10/2007 3:59 PM (GMT 0)
seechell

Honey what are you thinking. You know what can happen and none of us want to see you hurt. Please take everyones advice and give the key back not only will your husband and family be very proud of you but all of us here will be too. I know this will take a lot of will power but you ARE strong enough to do this. Were all there with you hun. Please keep us updated.

Posted 2/11/2007 5:18 AM (GMT 0)
Chelle,
Making the decision to give back the key is even MORE proof of control than keeping it secret! You are an intelligent woman and I trust you to give it back! Please don't prove me wrong! :)
hugs!
janet
Posted 2/11/2007 5:52 AM (GMT 0)
Chelle... please tell your husband that you have the key and please give it back... I'm hoping you do!!!

It's for the best my friend.

Twiggygal
Posted 2/11/2007 9:38 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Chelle
Sometimes in life we are given a little test..this one for you is all about 'temptation'... I know you are gonna pass this one with flying colours - because you are gonna tell him you know where the key is hidden.
The rewards for this will be huge...you will haved gained back some of your self respect and pride for starters..your husband will be soo proud of your honesty - esp. when you tell him that no meds were taken even though you knew where the key was :-)

Keep us posted ok..and take good care.

Maree

Posted 2/11/2007 9:47 AM (GMT 0)
Chelle hoping to hear something about what has gone on
Did you tell him and have you given key back
We are all so worried for you hun
Lyn
Posted 2/11/2007 8:40 PM (GMT 0)
Chelle- I'm worried and curious to see how you're doing !!! Please respond

Did you give the key back or what happened or are you ok?

Twiggygal~
Posted 2/12/2007 4:01 AM (GMT 0)

I still haven't told him or anyone else. I'm really afraid of what he will say and I've been taking pills here and there, not enough to notice, and hiding them again. So obviously, I'm not ok. I keep justifying it to myself. I don't know why. It is like a back up plan for me in case I decide I need them. What is wrong with me?

We had a big blow today. We learned some news about our taxes that hubby's ex has done and will net us $2000 less than before if we can't fight it. I've been crying all day. I hate her so much. And I've been thinking about my stash. I'm not dealing well with anything and I don't know how to fix myself. I feel broken, worn out. I've taken all that I can handle and more. I'm at my breaking point. If one more thing happens, I don't think I'll be safe. And it feels ok to me. I know it's sick and unhealthy. Please put me in your prayers. I need them so much. I need Him to protect me. We are good people, she is not, yet she seems to get all the breaks. Where is there justice in that?

Thanks for letting me vent some more. I will try and get up the courage to tell him. I just know he'll be hurt and disappointed in me and I hate that. I'd rather have someone hit me than get the look. When I was little, Mom spanked, but Dad gave the look. I always hoped for the spanking. The look makes me feel very very very small.

You all have good advise as always. Kittie and Janet, I can always count on you both for a good but firm answer. Thanks for that. I just need to work up the courage. Do you think the Wizard will give me some? 


Posted 2/12/2007 4:34 AM (GMT 0)
I dont know you, or your history but I have been where you are. Good job telling us. I am happy you trust in us with that information. But I want to see you follow through with telling your husband. That will show him that he can put trust in you, and he will know you are outting trust in him. Do you understand what I mean? If you want to talk on a one to one, my email and SN is
Please take care of yourself,
Mary

Mary welcome

I have taken out your email for personal security reasons as freezin posted you can put it in your profile uch safer there..any questions please email one of the moderators or me My info is in profile

LYN

Post Edited By Moderator (Howlyncat) : 2/12/2007 7:50:54 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 2/12/2007 6:11 AM (GMT 0)

  Hi Mary and wecome to HW

  You have given some good input for seechell and I thank you for helping and we all look forward to helping you to as you seem to have a caring heart

  But for your safety you may wish to remove your e-mail from this post as this will open you up to spammers and such, you can go to your profile and open your e-mail there and only members can acsess you from there Thank you

  Cowboy up

Posted 2/12/2007 6:42 AM (GMT 0)

  seechell

  JUST what are you thinking, YOU know better then that I want you to go and look in a mirror and take a deep long look at yourself and think hard for you know that this is wrong for you to do. The longer that you wait to tell your Hubby the harder it will be for you to tell him and He will find out when it's time to renew your meds, then what are you going to say to him or you may end up back in the hospital again and we don't want that now do we so go and give him your stash and the key NOW!!!!

  No if's, and's of but's JUST DO IT NOW

  Cowboy up

Posted 2/12/2007 7:50 AM (GMT 0)
Seechell, this is chilkoot we have never comunicated before but please I am asking from the heart tell your hubby about the stash and the keys. PLEASE call your therapist in the morning and tell the therapist you need to talk .. My sister use to call me when she was feeling as you are and she told me that she really needed someone to direct her. PLEASE take some direction we do not want to control you just direct you so you can take control of your situation and that is to tell your hubby your problem that you have the stach and key take care darling Chill
Posted 2/12/2007 1:27 PM (GMT 0)
Hello Seachelle

 

Honey I just wanted to check on you and see how you are doing. I want to to try something that might make you feel a little stronger. You now know you have control of the pills that you have in your stash right now at this point start putting back just one pill a day do this each day and when you have got them all put back then tell your hubby everything you did and he will be so proud of you. I will be holding your hand everyday while you do this. I'm setting here smiling because in my mind I know you can do it this way. I love you honey don't let the x win this battle over you.

Posted 2/12/2007 2:53 PM (GMT 0)
Chelle
THis is not something light and you know it
YOU have to tell him it will only be worse and you will continue taing the pills and doing whatever you are with them........
I pray you do the right thing I really do .......
The Wizard wont help you
YOU will HELP YOU........ we will all be here to support you if you do it post haste
LUVS
Lyn
Posted 2/13/2007 11:27 AM (GMT 0)
I've decided to tell him tonight when he gets home from work. I don't want to tell him before because he will worry and stress. Which of course he has every right to do. This is going to be one of the hardest things I've had to do. He loves me and is trying to help me. I know that. Thanks to all of you for your stern, loving, caring advise. You all have more faith in me than I have in myself. But I'm going to try and be as strong as possible and do this. I'm very scared. Trust has been broken again. I have a long road ahead of me.

Posted 2/13/2007 11:31 AM (GMT 0)
AS I said we will all be here for you but you need to do the right thing and you said you are telling him tonight
My thoughts and prayers are with you
Be open and honest and IF ( IF) you have taken any extra pills tell him before he goes to counting them hun that would help your cause I am sure of it
Again we will be here
Luvs
Lyn
Posted 2/13/2007 11:40 AM (GMT 0)

Thanks Lyn for always being here and for the time and effort you put into being a moderator. You are always firm but nice about things. I've never seen you be rude or hurtful to anyone. That means the world to me. I will be thinking of all of you as my cheering section as I go down this path. " Go Michelle, you can do this. You are strong and smart." Honestly is the only way to stay safe and I know it. I honestly love you guys, truley.

Posted 2/13/2007 11:22 PM (GMT 0)
Chelle- I'm sure he will appreciate your honesty... I'm sure he knows that it's just another bump in the road that you two can get through. *BIG HUGS*

Let us know how it goes when you tell him. He'll have to hide the key in another spot, but at least you'll be safe. You know it's the best thing for you hon.

*HUGGGGGGGS*

Twiggygal~
Posted 2/14/2007 10:15 AM (GMT 0)
Have been thinking bout you most of the night and day yesterday I hope all is well as it can be and you " cow girled up and told him he has to know to be the one that can help n suppport you there ya know
I worry about you please let us know whats going on
Luvs
Lyn
Thanks for you kind words
Posted 2/14/2007 2:18 PM (GMT 0)
seechell

 

Goodmorning hun I just wanted to check on you and see how you are going and how last night went. I have you in my prayers and I pray everything went well.

Posted 2/14/2007 2:42 PM (GMT 0)
HUn we are getting kinda worried hope all is okay
Please post as soon as possible
Luvs
Lyn
Posted 2/14/2007 4:46 PM (GMT 0)
Things weren't as bad as I thought they'd be. He was upset and disappointed and maybe doesn't trust me as much as before. So now I'm back on the same page I was when I went into the hospital the second time. Time will tell.

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