Please help!

Well, what can I say … My boyfriend and I have been fighting every night for the past 3 nights. We haven’t really been spending time together for about a week or two now. It’s been hard because I recently began treatment for a medical condition (that I must be dedicated to for a whole year), and he hasn’t really been around. I understand we have been on different hours for a while now up until 2 days ago, but even when our hours would cross, he would barely even acknowledge that I was awake. Anyhow, I think a lot of this has gotten to me/us and so towards the night time we land up fighting. Sometimes I even land up getting really upset and blaming him for my current situation (not entirely, but partially). Of course I am not the only one being hurtful during these times, but it doesn’t make it any more right. I have been having panic attacks around the clock as a result of the confrontations and fights- and tonight I almost went to the hospital. I honestly thought there must be something else wrong with me because I was feeling so desperate, depressed, panicked, and the most incredible doom you could probably ever feel. I had moments where I felt like collapsing and screaming at the top of my lungs while in a fetal position (and maybe even ripping my very own hair out of my head). I didn’t do it, but the feelings where very much there and VERY strong. We have been fighting so badly to the point that we are on the verge of breaking up. Well, we have been mentioning me moving out every day for the past 3 days since these awful, awful arguments. I think he is fed up with me. I don’t know what to do. If this is all on behalf of the panic disorder, it is absolutely destroying my life! I feel like I am seconds from going to the hospital and asking for anti-psychotics. I just can’t handle theses emotions that come with such stress. I think because I am doing this other treatment at the moment too, that it makes me feel even more brain fogged, high and derealized; which consequently makes me feel like I am going to lose control and do something crazy. There is so much to say about this entire thing but in the end I just want to fix this. I don’t know, in these recent fights, I am just feeling like I can never ever get over this disorder if I stay here. I love him whole-heartedly (don’t get me wrong), but my entire life has completely changed since we got together. It has changed me, and in terms of ‘growth’- not for the better. God, I feel awful even saying this, makes me feel like I am being deceitful. I really want us to be together and work this out, but I feel his fuse is so short lately, and that I am completely alone. I don’t know what to do. He wants me to change my life, but I am afraid of everything. I am constantly anxious and feeling like I am freaking out by everything. I know he feels I am not contributing to this relationship at all anymore, and he is losing his will to care for me or my situation. I am at home all the time now, no friends really, no work, no school, I go out once a week (maybe) for a short drive or groceries with him… and that’s about it. God, I just feel so down, agitated and scared lately that it makes me feel like I have a mood disorder or something. I don’t know what to do. Maybe this doesn’t sound like it pertains to anxiety, but to me it really, really does. Maybe I should speak to a therapist asap about all of this, but I just don’t know if my relationship will hold up until then. You see, even tonight he said I was acting a lot like I did a year ago (when I nearly left him to be with someone else) and although he thought that was a bit out of my character, I thought (later on) maybe it was mania or something. Now I am back to that, those feelings of complete dependence on him, vulnerability, anxiety and depression. I was doing well with battling those thoughts that I am going crazy for a week or so now, but now I can’t help but think maybe I really need other medication. I need something. Please, any advice would mean everything to me. I am SO scared, anxious, and down right now. Who knows, maybe these arguments (hourly btw) are making me drained even all on their own? He is asleep now but I don’t know how I will ever get to sleep tonight. I really need him more than ever now as I do this new treatment, but he is fed up. I can’t handle my anxiety during these fights, but he just keep screaming and getting angrier. I know I must be an awful person to live with at this point, but that doesn’t change that I am not a bad person at heart. I just need to know what I can do, we have been fighting so much and so badly and it’s making me feel absolutely insane. Please, help me figure out how I can begin to piece my life together again, or if I should leave for a while, go to therapy, etc? Please, please help! Thank you. I’m sorry for writing so much but I feel SO scared tonight and in such a haze I’m afraid to do anything. Please friends, lend me your strength at this time.

Thank you SO much for your reply.  I have ativan to take as needed, but since I have been on treatment for my liver, my nurse prefers for me to try and not take them.  Also, my boyfriend gets pretty upset if I want to take them now, because of what my nurse said.  What he doesn't seem to understand is that there is NO way I can do those fights for hours on end, and not take anything.  Well, I suppose in theory I can, but it's awful for my health and I am up hours later completely anxiety ridden and feeling like I am going mad.  Ever since I started the treatment for my liver, stress has been one of the worst things for me as well.  I wish he knew what all this does to me, well, I think he does because he sees it but he just thinks I need to 'calm down'.  This is a very difficult thing for panic sufferers to do when their anxiety has sky-rocketed.  Anyhow, I have mentioned that I can't do these fights anymore...But I know that it takes two, and I am at fault too.  I just wish he were more supportive during this rough time, but I think he is tired of my hardships.  I can't exactly blame him, and as much as I do, I really shouldn't blame me too.  I don't think me telling him that it's all too much is going to do ay good at this point.  It seems the arguments begin whenever I mention I want to try new medication maybe (apparently because I am obsessive that there is something else wrong) or when I say I don't know how to live like this.  I know he feels I blame him, and to be completely honest, at times I do...but only partially.  I just don't like it when he breaks promises to me that he'll be supportive but instead he avoids me almost entirely or gets SO mad whenever I start getting scared again.  I just wish I knew what else I can do.  As you can see, this has been on my mind all night so far.  When we have these fights, I can never ever fall asleep as easily as he does.  I think I will just go and speak with a therapist for now, and see how I can improve the relationship on MY behalf. Also, speak to a psychiatrist about another possible disorder.  I know mine told me I'm fine, aside from this PD, but I just can't help  feeling like I am getting agitated and upset for nothing sometimes- and taking it out on my b/f.  Well, I'm pretty sure he seems to think so sometimes anyhow.  I'll try these things, and take it from there... Sorry for the long post, but it's better for me to let this stuff out.  Even now, I am worried this makes me 'manic' or something, because I just keep rambling on.  Ahhh, wish I could find some peace with all of this, with myself...

This actually doesn't sound like a bad idea at all. I just hope he doesn't have selective reading (lol) and gets upset at some of the things I wrote that may not exactly be to his liking. Once again, thank you so kindly for everything.

Magaroo,

Not to look for an excuse, but your bf is probably worried about the condition with your liver and may be stressing/edgy because of it, which would contribute to the fighting. What if you made the first step and told him "I need a hug!"? It usually works for my husband and me (makes us both realize why we are REALLY fighting!).

As for the long term, you may want to think things thru like Lyn suggested. Tho you may want to wait til you get your feet squarely under you again. I'd definitely follow thru with your thought of seeing a therapist asap. No matter what happens with the relationship, it will help with the A/P. And ask your doc about other meds for the A/P that may be better..

Hope you feel better soon! Take care and keep us posted.
Karen