My Progress

Many of you probably remember how afraid I was to take my Clonazepam (I practically took over the message board with it). By last Sunday I had reached the end of my rope, though. I hadn't gone to work and barely left my apartment for about three weeks. I was sick at my stomach just about all the time. I couldn't tell if I was starving or hungry, and lost 15 pounds in spite of having no exercise at all. And it wasn't just the stomach that affected me. I started having panic attacks much like the ones you folks describe on a regular basis. Every day was a trial.

Well, having reached the end of my rope, I took a half dose of Clonazepam that Sunday afternoon. After discovering that it wouldn't make me puke, I've been on .5 mg twice a day ever since.

That's seven days as of today. I've not had a single panic attack during the entire week. Early on, a few tried to take hold but not a single one materialized. My stomach has been doing much, much better as well. I don't get sick when I eat. Any nausea I've gotten has been extremely mild and short-lived. I didn't go to work last week, but I could have if I wanted to. Honestly, I felt like I needed to enjoy feeling good for a while. And I did.

Today I returned to the office and worked a ten hour day. All was well. I didn't get sick and never felt the urge to leave. All day I was calm and clear headed. Even before I went on hiatus, I was having a lot of trouble reading through complex legal documents. Today, no difficulty at all. I was as sharp as I could be. After work I even went out with a friend who was passing through town. I didn't come home to change clothes or meditate or anything...I just left work and went to meet him. Used to, I'd require "downtime" before doing something like that. Even something as simple as going out to eat would require various degrees of "mental preparation".

How can such a little pill make such a big difference? Did I finally just happen across the perfect medication for me? The doctor wasn't even sure when he handed me the script. "We'll try this and if it doesn't help out, we'll go to something else", he said.

Is there a placebo effect happening here? I mean, it's very clear the med's doing something. I can feel it. But is it doing just enough to free my mind to be positive enough to take it the rest of the way? I don't know. I'm not sure I care.

I've actually tried very hard to curb my enthusiasm but haven't been too successful. The change is just too obvious, and it's lasted for quite a while now. My only concern is that I'm setting myself up for some kind of disappointment.

I also take klonopin and it really helps. Glad that it's helping you. Dee

that's awesome news! you're lucky it worked so quickly for you. when i started taking zoloft things got worse and for some reason i stuck it out and it eventually worked but took a good month and a half or more. which always makes me nervous to switch meds. anyway, it sounds like the pill is definitely working. it doesn't take much medication in some cases to do an awful lot of good. just think of the fact that the most minute amount of certain poisons can kill a person. probably a bad example, but it just shows how a tiny amount of a certain substance can have a huge effect on a large being.

there is always some amount of placebo effect, but it usually will only go so far. i recently was doing a lot more reading on depression and anxiety and ADD because i was diagnosed with a little of all of them. and of course i came across lots of stuff on the internet saying medications for mental problems was all quackery and there's no proof it works or does anything. and i started debating even going off meds all together even though i was suffering more, thinking maybe the meds were making things worse rather than better. but stories like yours (and, really, my own) show that they do work. there have been countless clinical double-blind trials that have shown these things do have an effect. even though the brain is still abig mystery and we may not even know WHY they work, we have plenty of evidence they do. it's like the theory of evolution or relativity - technically they are still just theories since there isn't absolute proof to make them scientific laws. but because there is a huge preponderance of evidence suggesting the validity of these theories we have to accept the fact that at the very least there is some significant truth to them and basis in reality.

as for me, i am still taking my zoloft and just started adderall and have found a couple of forums finally where people are not constantly posting about how medications and psychiatry ruined their life. and i am hopeful i will get better and maybe even better than before.

My Progress: Update

Worked 47 hours last week, no problem. In fact, I was as productive as I've been in two years. When I was having the "hard times", I remained productive by "working smart". Now I'm working smart and hard, and it feels great. Not only will I have a full paycheck with a little OT, I'll have a two milestone bonuses as well. One of those is significant. So it seems like the three weeks off isn't going to hurt me financially at all. I may even come out ahead, but it's hard to explain why because the way I get paid at my job is very unusual. The more significant bonus was from a a project I took on all by myself, and that would've been impossible if I hadn't gotten a lot better.

And as I mentioned in another thread, I've done some work around the apartment to make it more of a home. I put away a lot of the things that were sitting around while I had anxiety so bad. It almost seems like a different apartment and I don't mind coming home to it at all.

I'm still lonely, but to combat the boredom I've been leaving at night instead of just staying in the apartment. I go for long walks with my MP3 player, for instance. Yesterday I was bored and couldn't figure out what to do, so I went to a place I hate: the MALL. I had nothing I wanted to buy, but I thought I'd just kill some time by walking through it. Weird, I know. I was there for about half an hour. My next step has to be volunteer work. I'm thinking meals on wheels or maybe something political. Possibly both. Gotta fill this time, ya know? And maybe I'll meet some new friends. That's something I've never been good at regardless of mental condition.

The GERD is still quite a bit better, and I'm sure that's due to being more relaxed. I can eat whatever I want now. There are some consequences, of course, but they're manageable. It's awesome not to have to fear eating. And the best part? A few days ago I started sleeping in my bed again. For the best part of two years I'd been sleeping in an old, beat up Archie Bunker style recliner. A 35 year old LaZBoy. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that's an improvement. Because I was afraid of the GERD I was resistant to leaving the chair, but when I finally did there were no problems.

The pills...

Well, they seem to be working just fine. I'm told I should take them at exactly the same time every day, but sometimes I miss a dose by an hour or two. I haven't missed a dose completely that I can think of. I'm still getting some side effects sometimes. The daytime dose doesn't ever make me tired, but the nighttime dose does. Three times this week I feel asleep in my computer chair! That's not ideal at all, but even if my neck hurts like crazy in the morning it's still a sound sleep so I guess I don't have much room to complain. When I get tired with the evening dose I also have a pronounced "unsteady gait". It's like I've drank a fifth of whiskey. But, as said, my mind is sharper than it's been in some time. I work through problems at light speed. I don't get as frustrated or angry. I do not feel drugged (although sometimes I wish this stuff would produce a little mild high, just for entertainment purposes...haha).

Sometimes I still feel like I'm going to get a panic attack, but again, they never materialize. I simply get up and walk around and it goes away. There were a couple of days last week, though, that I had some pretty significant stomach issues with the bloating and mild nausea, but it wasn't severe at all. Given what I ate those days, probably anyone would feel bad. I'm not 21 anymore so maybe a bag of doritos isn't a very good dinner, huh?

I've been playing some music and have even written two songs, but what I really want to get back into is photography. That's a little harder. When you go out on the streets with that big fancy camera people tend to look at you, and I don't like that. "Getting over it" is the next hurdle. I'd also like to do a gonzo installation at the park next door, but we'll see about that.

In summary, life is wonderful. I'm happy again. The only thing that could make life better would be more companionship, but I suppose that will come in time.

I want to thank all of you guys again for the support you gave me during my really rough time. I'm not sure what I would've done with out it. I'd probably still be off work, sitting at home all day staring at that full bottle of Clonazepam. It's relaxed me just enough that I can re-engage life, and that's exactly what I needed. It's not the cure. It was just the key.

I hope it lasts. I think it will.

Thanks again,
D

Your story is really encouraging. I'm glad to see you are working your way back up. You seem so positive that it is sure to last. Keep the spirits up and keep on enjoying life, Isn't that the only way to live?

Just explain to your doc that this med is helping you with a better quality of life I am sure you shouldnt have a problem .....

Be well

Thanks again, guys. This is sort of turning into a journal, I guess.

Today was sort of a disappointing day. I woke up feeling bloated and a little nauseated and there seemed to be no reason for it. It took a few hours for it to go away, but then it came back this evening.

I think maybe I've overstated a little how well I'm doing. It's true that I don't get panic attacks. There are still some moments that I have anxiety, and I guess it's just too much to ask for a pill to take it all away. The "brain" stuff is manageable. I haven't exaggerated any of that. My productivity has risen dramatically both at work and in my personal life.

But I'm still having a few stomach issues. Apparently panic and anxiety weren't the only cause of my troubles down there. On the plus side, I no longer have a GERD problem. On the negative side I'm still bloated pretty often with occasional nausea. Today was the worst day in a long time. I woke up not feeling well and it took several hours to go away. It was manageable, but I didn't feel well. It got generally better but returned in the late afternoon. This evening I took a long nap and woke up not feeling particularly well again.

It could be that I'm just not eating enough. I fasted so much during the past six weeks or so that I've messed up my "eating timing" so to speak. Since I started taking the Klonopin, at least I know when I'm hungry sometimes. Not all the time, though, and that might be what's causing me trouble.

I don't know. It could be gastritis or it could be that I'm simply not eating properly, or I guess it could be some combination of both. It's not really bad enough to see a doctor but it's a negative thing, nonetheless.

To change gears, I have one complaint about the Klonopin. I've been taking it two weeks now and the sedation side effect still hasn't changed. It's oddly inconsistent. As I mentioned before, I took a nap late this afternoon, and sleeping in the daytime is very, very unusual for me. Other days I have more energy than I know what to do with. There must be some variable. I'd like to identify it but I don't know how. I don't see how it could be so random...something is causing it.

If anyone has any ideas, feel free to chime in.

Good luck to everyone.

Funny thing is, I don't feel anxious, and like I said, the GERD has all but disappeared except when I eat certain things.

Bloating and nausea ARE symptoms of GERD, though, so I supposed it may have just changed its character on me. The heartburn, the taste of acid....those things are pretty much gone.

I was having "normal" bowl movements for a while after starting the Klonopin, but now I'm constipated. I'm sure all of you wanted to know that! I guess that could be the problem, too, but before I got that way I was still experiencing bloating and nausea.

Thanks to the sedation effects of the K, I'm seven minutes late for work right now and am not even dressed. My stomach feels weird but not bad. I'm not sure why I'm on this forum right now, haha.

Do you think I should re-start my Prevacid to see if that helps? I really hate taking pills.

I gotta go.

I think you are finally settling in and you may need a small increas for your meds ............other than that I think you have done awesome and with this thread it has helped so many ppl

Congrats on the date

Please let us know how that goes will ya
Be wll .....
YOU are doing so good .....PROUD of you

LYN

Well, I'm a "he", but uh, that's okay. Maybe people think "debaser" has something to do with "Deb" as in "Deborah", but it's actually a song by the Pixies, one of my favorite bands. Debase: to reduce in quality or value; adulterate (Webster's)

I'm not sure I want to be decreasing any doses. Typically I don't have much sedation from the morning dose (although that can be inconsistent) and I do have a stressful job.

And I haven't been on it that long, so isn't it a little soon to consider an increase? I was told Clonazepam doesn't even reach its maximum plasma level for two weeks, and I'm only a couple days past that. Logic (if it applies here) would suggest that it should be working its best right now. I've also read that 1mg per day is the target dosage for panic disorder. It's pretty universally accepted from what I can tell. I guess I'll talk to my doctor about it when the time comes, but he's not a psychiatrist....just a regular MD.


This is where I think I am:

1. Klonopin has stopped my panic attacks
2. I still have some kind of GI disorder
3. Anxiety is something of a habit (I'll get nervous, and sometimes my body will try to have panic attacks) and it's unrealistic to expect the K to do anything about that
4. I'm thrilled that I'm doing better, but disappointed I still don't feel well ALL the time.


I've heard it can be difficult to get off Klonopin. I've also heard of people who had no problem tapering off. Everyone's different, I guess. While I'd rather not be on an addictive drug, I have no problem staying on it the rest of my life if it helps me. Heck, if I had the money and it was the only thing would help, I'd use heroin if I had to. Whatever works. Nothing is worse than panic and anxiety.

Something that just occured to me: perhaps my doses are too far apart now? The first week when I made most of my progress, I wasn't working and was sleeping in. I'd take the first pill between 10am and noon. The second would come around 8pm. Now that I'm back at work, I'm taking the first dose between 7:30 and 8:30 in the morning and the evening dose is still happening around 8 or 9. I wonder if moving the evening dose up would make a difference? It's half life is so long I'm not sure it would.

It's probably just a mental thing. I simply got excited about feeling better and pushed really hard after being sedentary for a long time. I got tired. So the last two days I haven't done much physically. Perhaps I just need more physical activity as I said before, and the more consistent diet. I may also try some Zantac for the stomach issue.

Lyn, your words mean a lot. Do you really think this is inspiring others? I hope it is. While I'm not perfect, I can say for sure that I'll go to work tomorrow and work at least eight hours. The date's just tentative right now, but if it solidifies I'll go on it. I'll sleep in my bed tonight rather than a dilapidated recliner. Even if I'm not as far along as I'd like to be, there's no doubt I'm better. I don't want my complaints to overshadow that.

In keeping with random nature of this journal, I'd like to talk about another side effect of the Clonazepam. Many report "vivid dreams". Well, I've had some REALLY vivid ones. Not at night, but if I take a nap during the day. They're not weird but they're extremely realistic. Realistic to the point that when I wake up I have to think for a moment about whether they were dreams or not. It's kind of a fun little side-effect.

Post Edited (debaser) : 4/3/2007 11:21:16 PM (GMT-6)

debaser said...
Well, I'm a "he", but uh, that's okay. Maybe people think "debaser" has something to do with "Deb" as in "Deborah", but it's actually a song by the Pixies, one of my favorite bands. Debase: to reduce in quality or value; adulterate (Webster's)

gosh!  I am soo sorry!    For some reason I just assumed you where a "she"!  Well, we know what happens when we "assume"........  Hope you can forgive me!

Heres an idea.  I'm NOT a dr or anything, but this is something that has helped me.  Consider taking 1/2 your morning dose when you get up, and the other 1/2 after lunch.  Have you tried taking your p.m. dose right at bedtime, or maybe 1/2 hr before bed?  I know it worked like a charm for me when I started it.  I was only taking it at bedtime.  1 mg/day isn't too high a dose, I didn't mean that.  Just that after time[and it could take a couple of yrs] you might find the need to increase.

At one point I was on 2mgs at bedtime for sleep cause I was having alot of difficulty, and even that wasn't helping, so that is when I very slowly weaned down .25mgs.  Found out it was the Effexor that was totally messing with my sleep and went thru h*ll getting off that stuff, but that a different story...

I wouldn't worry about it being addicting.   There is a huge difference between addiction and being dependent on something.  If you are using it according to your drs directions and it is helping you life a productive normal life then you aren't abusing, and therefore, are not addicted.  Your body my need it because it is used to it, but that is different.

Maybe you are going into things too quickly.  Its only been a few weeks since you've been feeling better, and your body needs time to heal.  Slow down a bit, and smell the proverbial flowers!  I know its hard when you finnally start feeling "normal" and you have this new found energy, but your body is still recouperating.

You be careful with the internet chick!    Wouldn't want you to get hurt or end up with some pyscho!

Glad you found a med that is helping and you are getting to live the life you deserve!

Blessings,

Sweet

Debaser
I honestly DO think this thread is important and
it is inspiring as well for the new ones coming on scared not knowing what to do where to turn and this thread kinda PUTS it all out there......
That is a very unsefish act on your part and I have seen so much change in you from only a few weeks this is great and I do take pleasure in reading this thread and posting as well
Hold your head high you have done a good thing here

Stay strong and keep posting

LYN

Debaser a stroke would make your mouth dry and pasty and he may have a slope to the one side as well
Depending on severity of the stroke he may have gait problems as well ....
I am keeping you your dad in my thought heart and prayers okay
I am sure he will be okay
Many ppl survive many strokes and have hardly any physical minders and I am sure he will survive this one
No need to look hun it is the brain that messes up and kinda quits working for a mini moment causing stroke and them to lose balance and have the droop on the lip ( not all)

A couple yrs ago Mom had amini stroke and I watched her going thru it before ambulances came she had come out of it and was very dry and disorientated in the home surroundings

It took a coulpe of days of TLC and she was fine

Actually ppl have been told when they are haveing EEG that they have had past strokes .it shows on the EEG anyways they said they had never known that so I guess what I am trying to do is put your mind at rest and NO dont go to looking on the net it isnt in lyamans terms and we do not need you sliding ya klnow
Keep us posted about your dad please
Email me if you would like I am shutting down now as the storm is getting really bad
I believe I have posted it in ways not to alarm you as I dont think that is necessay
I will be back on tomorrow k and will check this
Others may argue with me but this is what I remember from NSchool.........
Be well
Stay strong
Stay you

LYN