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Just angry... sick and tired of feeling this way!

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Posted 4/17/2007 3:18 PM (GMT 0)
Hello everyone. I am just having a really rough day today and thought I would come here and vent alittle.

 

Do any of you just have those days where the symptoms of these terrible illnesses get the better of you??? I am talking about moving beyond the fear of them, and just plain getting angry because they seem to limit you in what you want to do with your life?????? I am extremely dizzy today and I am plain sick and tired of it! I am a divorced mom of two kids..ages 11 and 14, and I would like to try and look for a job. I dont care what it is at this point...I have a degree in Medical Lab Tech. but not sure if I even want to work in that field. Heck, at this point, if I could manage it, I would work at Subway or McDonalds if I thought I could handle it. When I get dizzy or have those other symptoms though, I think to myself...how am I doing to drive to a job let alone stay there for 7-8 hours a day???? I dont like to drive when I am really dizzy because I dont want to wreck and hurt anyone. I have tried various medicines and nothing really seemed to help me. I was on Xanax for about 3 years and it never did take away the dizziness.

 

I get so angry about this illness because I think of all the great things I could do, and how much better I could deal with things in my life...if I didnt feel this way! I just want to be "normal" again. Like I was wayyy back in my teenage and college years. :(

 

I want to work...I plain and simply dont know if I can.

 

I read posts all over these messageboards and my heart truly breaks for people. When you KNOW what someone goes through, it is so much easier to become one with them. You can feel their pain, anguish and fear, and I think.....WHY???? These illnesses( Anxiety, Depression, OCD, Bipolar..etc.) are horrid things to live with. You feel( at least I do) as though you are being robbed of years of your life! How do you get your life back?

 

I know I shouldnt complain, there are people in this world dealing with far worse illness/diseases than I, but all I KNOW is how I feel, what I am dealing with..and at times it just gets the better of me.

 

I am thankful for this place though..where I feel free to be me. What a Godsend it has been. In these forums...our own little world..we can be who we are without fear of judgement, rejection or ridicule.

 

 Here is a quote that I LOVE, taken from a movie I recommend ALL people with mental illness watch( and especially those without).. "The Snake Pit!"...one of the best films ever made showing the plight of the mentally ill. The set up is Virginia( the mental patient) is trying to get help in a mental hospital:

 

 

Celia( works at the hospital): And we're so crowded already. I just don't know where it's all gonna end!
Virginia: I'll tell you where it's gonna end, Miss Somerville... When there are more sick ones than well ones, the sick ones will lock the well ones up.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0040806/

 

 

Thank you guys for taking the time to read my post. :)

 

God bless and take care~

 

Dawn

 

Posted 4/17/2007 3:37 PM (GMT 0)

I know its hard... But, take each day one at a time....

I suffer from Panic disorder with phobias and its really hard to function at time.  I have to thank God for my improvement.  I have been put on effexor and pray with Gods help all will work out better.

I work from home or I would have more issues than I do.

Posted 4/17/2007 3:53 PM (GMT 0)

May I ask what it is you do from home? And how hard or easy is it to work from home? I would LOVE to be able to do that.

Dawn

godluvsu said...

I know its hard... But, take each day one at a time....

I suffer from Panic disorder with phobias and its really hard to function at time.  I have to thank God for my improvement.  I have been put on effexor and pray with Gods help all will work out better.

I work from home or I would have more issues than I do.


Posted 4/17/2007 4:09 PM (GMT 0)
I had 2 bad panic attacks back in the 80's,so I have a good idea where you're coming from.I pray I NEVER have another.I take an antidepressant after being on many Remeron has been good for me........
One Day A A Time,one foot in front of the other,keeping a positive outlook............It has worked for me all these years...........
Posted 4/17/2007 4:35 PM (GMT 0)

I work for a company that does background checks.  I am an Independent Contractor for them.

I have been doing it for over a year and love it... it has allowed me to be home with my kids.

There is alot of companies that allow you to work from home.

The company i work for is not hiring right now, but my cousin just got a job working from home with a different company.  Their website is www.west.com, hope this helps.

Posted 4/17/2007 4:54 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much for posting that link! I just never really persued working from home because I thought it would be hard to get into . I figured if it was that easy...why arent more people doing it lol. I will look into this.

 

I do, as I said, have a medical background, and see ads in mags all the time to be a medical transcriptionist( working from home)...I wonder if that might be something I should look into. I wonder how legit it is.

 

Thanks again!

Dawn

Posted 4/17/2007 6:20 PM (GMT 0)
keep me posted on what happens with job... you can email me if you would like.
Posted 4/17/2007 11:40 PM (GMT 0)

I know where you're coming from, I'd also like to get a part time job and life. My husband keeps nagging me how I need to get out I know that! How would it look at work when I had a day like yesterday and at the moment that's happening a couple of times a month.

I've got 2 contact numbers for groups that help mentally ill people get jobs, but until I feel stable myself I don't think it's fair on anyone for me to be working.

Posted 4/18/2007 9:52 AM (GMT 0)
I can very well understand your situation but just keep holding on. God has His way.

_________________
john07
Florida Drug Rehab --Have more options on Florida drug rehab
Posted 4/18/2007 6:46 PM (GMT 0)

Thats how I feel. I understand what you are saying. I quit my job in the Lab years ago because I knew it wasnt fair ot the other employees when I kept calling off work. I worked as best as I could for YEARS and then just couldnt deal with it anymore. That is why a work from home job seems so appealing to me.

Dawn

Aussieangel said...

I know where you're coming from, I'd also like to get a part time job and life. My husband keeps nagging me how I need to get out I know that! How would it look at work when I had a day like yesterday and at the moment that's happening a couple of times a month.

I've got 2 contact numbers for groups that help mentally ill people get jobs, but until I feel stable myself I don't think it's fair on anyone for me to be working.


Posted 4/19/2007 7:20 PM (GMT 0)
Dawn,
Your thread is similar to mine. It is tough isn't it? At least I'm not alone because someone who never has been this way can not understand. Before about in 1997 my friend was having anxiety and panic attacks and I thought he was being a big baby. Well about 2 years later guess what? Ya. Know I know. He even said to me now you know what I was going through. I wish I didn't. How long have you been like this? Have you always had a problem sleeping and do you still now? Hope you are ok.
Posted 4/20/2007 1:45 PM (GMT 0)
Sloan,

 Hello there! I know how aggravating and upsetting not being able to get a good nights rest can be. I have always slept pretty well throughout my school years. I really didnt start having problems untill my mid 20's, and at that time it was more just getting awake off and on throughout the night and tossing and turning from one side to the other. Then in my 30's( I am 38 now), I started getting to the point where I would get up and pace around the bedroom. I would get awake at say 1am or 3am and feel as though I had all the energy in the world. I felt soo awake at those times that I couldnt believe it. The strange thing about it though was I felt just as awake during the day too! You would think that I would be so sluggish during the day, sleepy, not able to function, but that wasnt the case at all. I felt as if I HAD slept all night. How do you function during the day? Are you tired a lot? have trouble concentrating on things?

 

I wish I had some magic cure to tell you about that just zapped the problem and it left, but I dont. I basically tried whatever I heard about that might help: drinking warm milk, not eating late at night( now I dont eat after 7pm), eating bananas, vitamins, minerals....Chammoile tea..etc. Then I just started praying before I went to bed. I just simply asked God to help me get the rest I needed. I truly believe that you must get to the root cause of the anxiety that is, in turn, causing the insomnia. Once you deal with the cause of the anxiety and help to control/fix that, I believe that sleep will come in time.  In my instance, it was because of my constant worry about not having a job..how would I live..etc..and it was taking a toll on my mind..sending it into overdrive. It is hard, because as human beings we want to feel incontrol of everything, but I just try and give my worries and cares to God and let Him handle them. I figure...there is nothing I can do about this during the nighttime, so why let it rob me of the sleep that I need. We carry so much with us that God never intended us to carry. He knows how sick and troubled the mind can make us. That is why He wants us to let Him help us.  I also believe though, that some of my insomnia could be genetic. My mom is somewhat like me...she has trouble sleeping and often times gets up during the night and doesnt sleep very soundly. So a bit of my problem might be family history.

 

I also understand what you are saying about not being very sympathic to the mentally ill. I was somewhat the same way! While I never actually made fun of mentally ill people,  I used to think...man...why dont they just "get over it", or "gosh..what are they so afraid of???" "what is their problem"???..etc..I just was ignorant of what the mentally ill really deal with and go through. Have my eyes been opened now! You know, in the Bible it states that sometimes we are allowed to go through situations, trials..etc. so we may be of comfort to others who are dealing with the same issues.  So now I try to share my experience with others..to maybe help, encourage and let them know they are not alone in what they are thinking and feeling. Something GOOD can always come out of something bad. :-)

 

I noticed in your profile you are from PA...so am I...near Pittsburgh( Go Steelers!) I see one of your interests is pets..I have a cat named Abby, and she has been a Godsend to me! She helps me with my anxiety quite a bit. She is so relaxing to look at. She helps calm me down. Pets can be such great friends.

 

Well, now that I have bored you to tears lol. I must go and get some cleaning done. I hope something in what I have said will help you. I hope you have a good day too! God bless you.

 

In His Grip,

Dawn

Posted 4/20/2007 7:55 PM (GMT 0)
Dawn,
In highschool and as a kid it took me an hour or so to fall asleep. In my 20s maybe a little more. In my 30s and I'm 37 it got worse and then I started waking during the night like you. The weird thing is nomatter what shift I'm on an hour before I have to work I get dead tired. At work I am really tired and can sleep if I would try to. Then the next night the same thing and so on. After a while I start to call off work to sleep. It is hard to function at all.
The root of my problem is thinking about divorce or stress that I have to work the next day. I have no idea how I will work 2 jobs. The doctor today switched me from effexor to lexapro and gave me some ativan. It will help some but he don't like to give them to me too much.
I love pets. I have 2 dogs, 2 aquariums, and a millipede. I had a vietnamese centipede and scorpions but they died a while back. The puppy is in bed with me now and the other dog is on the floor. I think I read that you read. What do you like to read? I live in Erie. I'm not bored to tears. Besides my sister your sleep problem is the closest to mine that I heard of. Maybe a few other people also in the past. But when people talk about not sleeping I usually top them. I pray also but admit I haven't been to church in a long time. And I usually pray more when things are bad. When they are good sometimes I ignore God. I bought a really good book called A Divine Revelation of Hell by Mary K. Baxter. It is something else. You should get it. I got it from Barnes&Noble.com. Take care
Posted 4/20/2007 10:07 PM (GMT 0)
I forgot to add 2 things. My Dad had trouble sleeping when I was younger. He would be mad if I woke him up and start pacing. I'll have to ask him if he still does. And at work when I take my breaks I eat real quick and then take a nap on the floor in break areas for like 20 minutes sometimes.   How old is your kitty cat?

*****UPDATE*****

 After coming home from the doctor and not sleeping for days. I was online a while and then took 2 ativan and a lexapro and slept for 9 hours. It was great. I think it was more than the ativan helping me sleep. I'm not sure. I don't know anything about lexapro. Time will tell. He said my blood pressure was way up. I hope the new medication helps.

Posted 4/21/2007 5:27 PM (GMT 0)
Sloan,

 

 Hi there! I am so sorry about all you have to deal with right now. I know how taxing/draining a divorce can be. My ex basically left me because he couldnt stand being around an anxious person any longer. I know when I am anxious I am not the easiest person to be around...but I thought the vows were " for better or WORSE"...and not just fleeing the marriage when something comes up that you cant handle. When I needed him most...he left. I always thought marriage was a TEAM effort and when one member of the team is down and feeling rotten, the other member should be there to lend support and encouragement.  Oh well. Life must go on.

 

Do you mind if I ask..is your sleep problems( anxiety) a reason why your wife wants to leave? If that is too personal I apologize.

 

Wow, nice pets you have! I LOVE fish. At my old house I used to have a beautiful pond out in the backyard. With a waterfall and fish in there. Had a birdbath there too and used to get TONS of birds. I used to watch them for hours. Whats your dogs names? I had a cocker spaniel once named Lady. She was a gorgeous animal. My cat is a longhaired tan colored cat. I am really not sure how old she is. I got her from another lady who was moving and couldnt take her pets where she was going.

I do love to read..anything but vulgar romance novels and I tend to stay away from authors who I know use too much profanity. I like political books, The "Cat Who" mysteries( by Lillian Jackson Braun)----if you never checked them out..I urge you too. They are great reads! about two cats(KoKo and Yum Yum) and their owner who writes for a local newspaper. There are TONS of these books( dont remember how many in the series) but they are really good to read...they are humorous and take your mind off your troubles. :) I also like the authors Philip Gulley, Jan Karon, and John Grisham. I usually just go to my local library and check out the newest fiction and non fiction and see if there is anything there that interests me. I also am into gardening so I love books dealing with the outdoors and crafting books ..oh and cookbooks! And I love to read older material...by Thoreau, Emerson , Tennyson..etc.

 

My sister went to college in Erie( Gannon University). It is a nice area...I LOVE Presque Isle.

 

I am sooo glad you slept for 9 hours!! That is great! I hope those medicines continue to help you. :)

 

I dont go to church as much as I would like to either. I just cant seem to drive myself there. I get so worried I am going to wreck. :( .  I am ashamed to that I tend to forget about God when all is going well. I am learning though to always talk to Him...not only when I am feeling poorly, but to thank Him for all He has done for me. I hate the shape I am in...but I could be in WORSE shape. No matter what situation you are in...it could always be worse. I will have to check out that book you mentioned. Sounds like an interesting read. There is a Christian bookstore not to far from me that I love to spend time at...I will see if they have it.

 

What kind of work do you do? I used to work in a hospital lab( mostly 3-11 shift) but then I had to quite because of how sick I felt all the time. It is soo hard to concentrate and keep focused on a job when you have so much going on in your life. I am not the type of person who is good at ignoring problems..and putting them out of my mind and concentrate on what I am doing. I tend to dwell on them constantly.

 

I do hope that medicine helps you and you can finally start to get the rest you need! Take care and God bless!

 

In His Grip,

Dawn

 

 

 

 

Posted 4/22/2007 4:04 AM (GMT 0)
My gosh Dawn are you my long lost twin. I told my wife the same thing. What about for better or worse? She's sick of it and said she don't want to be my wife. I told her if it was her I would be there for her. She said she can't be what I want her to be. It makes me feel like ****. You can ask anything I don't mind at all. A lot of the reason is I worry and wake her up at night sometimes. Also she has an online gaming adiction and plays up to 50 hours a week every week for years. I heard her saying really nasty things about me to someone on there and I was shocked. I think she might have an attachment. I worry about it and having anxiety tend to bring it up sometimes.  Before her adiction started I used to call home from work and we would talk for hours. The phone calls got shorter to the point of about 5 minutes or less and all I hear in the background is typing and she rushes me off. This makes me more insecure. So this and my anxiety and ensomnia are too much for her I guess. She also told me on one of my worst nights recently to be someone else's problem. Which I feel is very mean since I have been supporting her for the last 3 years. I have been paying all the bills almost. She pays some. To be fair until recently I have stuck her with 80% of the housework and she resented that. I do half now but it is too late. If you don't mind me asking how long ago did you get divorced?

The german shepherd is named Kramer he is 9 and the pup is Oscar. He is around 5 months old. I had a 155lb rottweiler named Lurch but he was put to sleep july 8th last year. He was 11 and had cancer. He was the nicest most loving dog I've had. He didn't have a mean bone in his body. Losing him was one of the worst times of my life. I miss him so much. He never did anything wrong.

Is gardening a lot of work? I cut the grass and that's about it. I enjoy other people's gardens but don't do it myeslf. Do you do crafts if so what kind? I do maintence work. It pays pretty well and I have benifits so I keep it. I am studying to go into pest control. I would like to have my own pest control company someday. The biggest expense would be the van or truck I will need. And the equipment. The exams and materials you need to get qualified are not that expensive so that is good. With all that is going on though it is slowing things down. It is hard to study right now.

Oh ya Gannon is a good school. I know many people who went there. Yes I love the beach here. In the summer I take the dogs like 4 to 5 times a week. My rotti would just stay in the water the whole time. I couldn't keep him out of it. I have a picture of the last day he was at the beach and there is a sunset behind him as he swims. I wish I could post it here and show you. People say I should enter it in a pet picture contest.

Oh thanks I'm glad I slept 9 hours too. You have no idea how long it has been. Well maybe you do. I was getting 1 to 2 hours forever. I don't want to speak to soon though. I will see how it goes. I don't want to get my hopes up. Yes I definatly think you would like that book I told you about. I am about 3/4 done with it. Barnes&Noble sells used coppies at low prices. This book does scare you though. Some of the books I like to read are sci fi, History(US History,Roman History,Ancient History and others. Also books on dogs,guides on reptiles,amphibians,insects and other types of books also. 

 I think I have been to Pittsburgh around 3 times. The zoo was really nice. Also this awsome museum. I was there when I was a little kid and went back about 4 years ago. I couldn't believe all the hills in the city. I can't imagine what people do in the winter there. Maybe you guys don't get as much snow as here. I don't know.

I'm a dweller too. That bugs my wife because she is an ignorer. She says I do it to myself. Hospital lab wow. That sounds like hard work. Do you want to do it again or do something else? What happens when you drive? I read you get dizzy. Have you ever passed out? Thanks for your concern I hope you are ok too. I enjoy reading your replies. It really helps me. Thank you.

PS  Well it's 3:45 am and I am up editing my post. I took the lexapro without the ativan to see if it would help me sleep by itself. Being that I am still up I think it is the attivan that helps me sleep more. I am going to take 2 ativan now. I was hoping I wouldn't need to. I need some time to evaluate the lexapro though. I know in time the doctor will probably take me off the attivan. Maybe by then things might be better or the lex will kick in.  So what do you like to cook?

Posted 4/23/2007 2:19 PM (GMT 0)
Sloan,

 Hi there. How are you feeling? I hope the medicine helps. I did NOT have a good day on Sun. Just a lot going on...I was dizzy all day and just felt plain awful. I just feel as though I dont have a friend in the world at times. :( .

 

I have been divorced since 2002. It is amazing how someone can make you feel so worthless. Has your wife started divorce proceedings yet? Or she just mentions she wants one now and then?

 

I LOVE the names of your doggies! Oscar is such a cute name. I am so sorry to hear about Lurch. That is soo hard when a pet dies. It is like a part of you dies as well. We have always had a lot of cats and most of them have died from Feline Leukemia, one was hit by a car, and other illnesses. We basically kept getting new cats to enjoy, love and to fill the void let by the one that passed away. Pets are certainly good and faithful friends.

 

Gardening is a LOT og work, but rewarding. I love to sit on the front porch and look out at the yard at my various gardens and just enjoy all the colors of the flowers and how pretty everything looks...it is very relaxing. Something about being outside in the fresh air and sunshine that makes you feel good about things. I think that is GREAT that you want to have your own business someday. What a great goal to aspire toward! I know it must be difficult to concentrate on that though with other distractions going on. You seem like a very nice guy and a hard worker, so I am sure you will be able to do it! :)

 

As far as my dizziness is concerned, no I havent ever passed out. It just feels like I am going to. Some days it lasts all day long and is very severe, other days it just seems to be bad off and on. I never know what the day is going to bring. I just ask God to help me through it.

 

I too like books about History. Like I said..I pretty much like to read about anything. Do you like to watch tv? I am a big sports fan so I LOVE to have espn on lol. I also like to watch old movies on TCM( Turner Classic Movies) ..I enjoy watching Foodnetwork and the History Channel as well( they have soo many interesting programs on there). They are having a series about General Sherman coming up I think. Sounded really interesting.

 

I dont actually live in the city of Pittsburgh, I live near a town north of there called..Beaver. Dont know if you ever heard of it. So I am about 2 hours from Erie. When I was in college studying to be a Med Lab Tech. I had my clinical training in Greenville Hospital( which if I rememeber isnt too far from Erie).

Maybe I will go to Presque Isle this Summer...I need a little vacation lol.

 

I do all kinds of crafts...make wreathes, stencil, just little odds and ends crafting. It is enjoyable and good therapy.

 

Do you have a lot of friends to talk to about your insomia? Do they help at all?

 

I just wanted to say too...I enjoy hearing from you. You seem like a really nice, kind person and I hope you will eventually get the sleep you need! :)

 

Have a good day and God bless~

 

Dawn

Posted 4/24/2007 10:55 AM (GMT 0)
Dawn,
I'm sorry you had a bad day. I know what it's like and it makes me feel bad to hear that. If you ever want to email me feel free to. Do you know what causes you to be dizzy? How is your blood pressure?

No she hasn't started the divorce process yet. She is on my insurance and doesn't want to lose it but made it clear she doesn't want to be my wife at all. She knows it will totally mess me up for money also. Also she knows I have no money for a lawyer. I know her family found her an appartment but I asked her to stay as a roommate now that she is paying half the bills until I can be on my own. I don't know if she will or not. We have a flat and I rent the upstairs to a friend and it is not working out. At this time I don't want to go into the details of that. He is a friend I knew since 2nd grade and I am giving him 30 days notice on may 1st. I need this rent money to survive and I need to make about $150 to $200 a week on top of that to make it on my own. I asked her to let me settle this problem first before she does anything. She says she'll see. So I don't know what she will do. It's all up in the air. I have no idea from one day to the next what will happen. That is about where I am at now.
When you got divorced how long did it take you to get over him if you don't mind me asking? Was it any better after the first year? Is it better now?

When Lurch died a part of me did die also. I felt it happen. The only thing that helped and didn't help much is that when they put the needle in and started the process of you know what. I hugged him tight crying and said to him I will see him again when I die and kissed him and watched him slowly stop breathing. I felt like I betrayed him and took part in his death. I felt really low for a long time but he couldn't stand up on his own anymore and it took 2 people to get him in and out of the house. about 1 out of 8 times he could stand up on his own. And then he fell a lot. It was awful because I liked him more than most people. Sorry about your cats I have had many dogs since I was born and it is really hard to lose them.

You have more than one garden? I bet you have a lot of bees. Do you grow food too or just flowers? I hope I can do the business someday. It is a goal of mine I really want to do. It sometimes seems imposible to achieve but it really shouldn't be if I work hard at it.

Speaking of books I read one on the war of 1812 recently and found out a lot of things I never knew. We almost lost that one too but the British had other wars going on at the same time. Yes I watch tv too. The History Channel is one of my favorites. I split cable with my tennant and it is in his name so I will be without it for a while in the future. I will get it again when I can afford it. I used to be a big football fan. I like the Dolphins but I don't follow it as much as before ever since in around 1994 Miami was a game away from the Super Bowl and had a bad call and lost the game. To your Steelers.;) I like track and field,strongman competitions,boxing,olympics and others. I watch football but not like before. I liked Miami better when they had Shula but it is my team still. Other shows and stations I watch are amimal planet,court tv,sometimes older movies. CNN,martial arts, and Vincent Price movies. And others. A lot of sci fi also.

If the town is called Beaver County I heard of it but I don't think I ever been there. I never heard of Greenville though. If you ever go to Presque Isle I know all the good nature trails and beaches if you ever want me to show you them. Just have to be careful of ticks but it's easy to avoid them. There are deer and foxes down there. I always wanted to get a boat but this I will have to put off for now.
It's cool you do crafts. You could sell them on ebay. Once in a while I sell small sculptures on ebay but recently it is hard to be motivated. What are stencils? Yes crafts and art are good therapy. I am never as relaxed as when doing art with the tv or radio on. Maybe laying on the beach compares. I've been going to the beach since as long as I can remember and I listen to ocean wave cds when I'm in bed sometimes.

I have one friend right now that talks about ensomnia with me but mine is worse than his. He understands somewhat. I had another friend in the past that had it as bad as me but we lost contact over the years. You are the only one that seems to compare to me. My sister also but she isn't willing to try to fix it. I asked my Dad and he says he has been sleeping well now. He had a really bad divorce recently and seems to be doing so much better. He is so religeous and thanks god for how he feels now. He is where I get my beliefs from but I am not even comparable to him. He had problems with depression and when he is feeling well his advice is the best I can get. He lives every aspect of his life for God and has the best morals of anyone I know.  He always tells me different scriptures in the bible to read. I cheat though and bought the bible on cd and listen instead. As far as if people I know help at all with ensomnia none of them compare to you and I only talked to you a few times on here. How about you. Do you talk to friends or anyone about ensomnia and does it help at all?

Last night I didn't sleep the best but I got enough not to complain. Tonight I layed down about 1:30 am and woke about and hour or so later with a headache and really nauseus and sweaty. I took 2 advil and feel a little better. I find I have to take 3 ativan to sleep. Just so you know I'm not the best speller and wing it sometimes. Thanks for taking the time to reply to me I always look foreward to it. I hope you feel better. I'm starting to concider you a friend. I try to pray everynight but often forget but I will start to remind myself to ad you to them that you will feel better. Thanks for replying to my post that first time. I was really in a bad way. I still am but do feel a little better. I hope this Lexapro helps me. Good luck and have a good day and night.

PS I want to know about your blood pressure.

PSS I wrote you a book sorry.

Posted 4/24/2007 6:49 PM (GMT 0)
Howdy Sloan,

 

 I hope you had a good nights sleep and a good day today. My day went better than yesterday. Went out and got some grocery shopping done. The sun is out and it is a beautiful day here today..which usually goes a long way in helping my moods. It is hard to be gloomy when the sun is so bright! It is too early to start planting, but I find myself trying very heard to resist the urge to go to the nursery to buy some flowers lol. I am going to try to grow an herb garden this year and just have a few veggies...tomatoes, peppers and lettuce. I always have tons of flowers though. I have 4 flower beds in various places throughout the front and back yard. I look forward each Spring to desiding what to plant where. :) Good therapy.

 

I do not know exactly what causes my dizziness as the drs never really came right out and said. They seem to think it is from nerves. My blood pressure is usually 118/70 or 120/80...in that range...it never seems to be too high or too low. So I am very thankful for that. I think that it is a nervous problem, but also something is wrong with my neck or back. Just not sure what...and I have been to countless chiropractors and nothing they did really seemed to help. So I just live with it and pray that I get through each day.

 

about my divorce. I dont know if you really ever " get over it"...because you do have a tendancy to go over the GOOD times in your mind. I guess I just am going to start to look at it as...my ex did the best he could with the situation he was given( me being anxious). If I think ill of him, or be resentful it only hurts me in the long run. Like a quote I like says " Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die"...Carrie Fisher. Part of me still wishes I was married. But there is nothing I can do about it now..so I just ask God to help me each day to be reminded that although things didnt work out..He still is in control of my life and wants what is best for me.

 

Thank you so much for including me in your prayers, that is very kind of you. I will remember you in mine as well.

 

I was wondering, you mentioned you worked 3-11 shift..what do you do all day before you go into work? And how far is your work from your house? Does it take you long to get there?

 

I need to go for now. I hope you have a good night and take care!

 

Dawn

Posted 4/25/2007 6:18 AM (GMT 0)
Dawn,
I'm glad to hear your feeling better. Your bloodpressure is very good. I take meds for mine. It's high. Your gardens sound nice. I like sunflower plants and watermellons. If I had a garden they would be in mine. Today was a little stressful. She wants this tennant problem done with so she can leave. She said she loves me like a friend and no more. The medication makes me tired all day and I don't have the energy to work out after work. I will try to start back monday. I feel tired now and will try to sleep soon. I hope I don't wake up during the night.

What I do before work is sleep until 2pm. I wake up and pack a lunch,let the dogs go out and do their business. Then I rush to work. If I had to guess on the miles to work I would say maybe 6. I get their usually in under 15 minutes depending on traffic. I stay up late when on 2nd shift sometimes because of ensomnia. So I always sleep until I have to get up for work. People joke around and make fun of me for it.

Do you have problems sleeping now or was it just in the past? I have found sometimes under normal conditions that at night I have about a 20 minute window at times where I get tired and if I lay down right away I can sleep. If I miss this window I am up all night. Just something I observed in the past. Right now is not normal conditions so a lot of times I don't get the 20 minute window. I had a crush on Carrie Fisher when I was a kid. Have a good day.

*********************************************************************

    Well I slept about 3.5 hours and then woke up. I thought I'd edit this. I will try to sleep more though. I don't know why I've been sweating when I sleep. This is new to me. I wonder if it is the medication or stress. I had to turn my pillow over because it was wet. I am going to look up landlord rights and some other things and then try to sleep again. I can't just rent to anyone because this house I think was one house at one time and then someone made it into 2 appartments. It isn't like a regular appartment and I hear every noise upstairs and it wakes me up. I don't hear people talk unless they yell loud. Music doesn't seem to bother me either. It is things like movement,walking,bumping,chairs moving that bother me so that is why I can't rent to just anyone. I was going to get soundproofing but it was real expensive. These noises aren't that the person is being loud it is a flaw in the house or something. For years I kept it vacant just to have piece. I asked my cousin to concider moving up there because I know he is mellow and is thinking of renting a place. My friend or former friend has to go. I took him in as a favor when he was having a hard time and gave him a year free rent and all I asked was he do a little work up there which he did some. And to cut the grass. The grass was knee high before he cut it and I had to really get on him to do it then. So I started cutting it and charging him $200 a month rent so he could afford it. There is a lot more to this story but this is your thread and I don't mean to take it over. Take care.

Posted 4/25/2007 6:05 PM (GMT 0)
Sloan,

 Hello. I hope you are doing well today. I am not. I dont know what is the matter with me. I just feel utterly worthless today. I feel down, depressed and all that jazz. I probably shouldnt even be online when I am feeling this way, because I dont want to be a downer. I know you have problems of your own.  I am just the type of person when I get down I feel like talking. Weird huh? When I get upset or anxious or sad..etc.. I talk. * I bet I know what your thinking right about now* lol.

 

Anways, I was wondering, when you mentioned about your wife having a gaming addiction...you mean like a poker addiction? LIke gambling? Or does she just like to go online and spend countless hours playing games? Does she ever go to Pogo? I know that is a pretty popular site. Does she work outside the home?

 

I LOVE sunflower plants too! I love watermellon but wouldnt try to grow them...take up too much space .

 

You can tell me more about your landlord story if you wish...I dont care if it is my thread lol. I would like to hear what you have to say. Wow, that was very nice of you to only charge 200.00! I hate it when people take advantage of another ones kindness.  You seem like a nice friend and I do consider you a friend( hope you dont mind) :).

 

I sweat when I sleep too( not always...but sometimes I do a lot). It could be from Anxiety. Sometimes a side effect of medicines make you sweat as well.

 

I am sorry this is soo short..but as I said..I am not feeling well today. I will try to write more later!

Take care and God bless you! I hope you sleep well!

 

Dawn

Posted 4/26/2007 6:31 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Dawn,
Sorry it is a bad day for you. It is a really bad one for me also. I don't want a divorce at all but she wants to bail out. She might not even wait until the tennant problem is fixed. Everyime I talk she rolls her eyes. I am shocked how hurtful she is to me. I planned on the rest of my life with her. She don't care at all.

What I was thinking right now is I do the same thing. But I don't mind at all listening. It get's my mind off my problems and if anything I say or write helps at all it makes me feel good. She plays online role playing games and yes pogo. Watch my luck you are friends with her if you play. That would really suck. Do you play pogo? She has buddies online that have become more important than me. She has been playing over 40 hours a week every week for many years which would be ok if it didn't come between us.

Here is her story. She bought a business and it failed. We went bankrupt because of it and now she works part time about 12 hours a week outside the house yes. You know in talking to you I think I might throw down some sunflower seeds in my backyard along the fence and see what happens. I don't want to do a whole garden because I already have many hobbies that I don't have motivation for now. But I will see if the seeds take. I know nothing about gardens.

You just made my day. I'm glad we are friends now. I was keeping the appartment vacant because I didn't want to deal with making tennants happy and the noise they cause so I just used it for storage. My friend since second grade has a reputation of mooching and annoying people. And is very very pushy and not affraid to demand anything. I forgot to add he tried everything to get his utilities turned on in my name because he owed so much but I had to draw the line and now I'm glad I did. Everybody I know warned me not to do it incuding his former landlord who is a friend of mine also. He had to taked him to court 3 years ago and my tennant still owes him money. When he was married he asked me if I could get my wife and if I would swap with him and be swingers. Of course we said no. Well my wife was against him moving in but agread as a favor to me. I gave him a year free rent since he was having a hard time. You think he would cut the grass as he said he would when asking to move in? No. He didn't maybe 2 times all summer and I did the rest. One time he even waved out his window to me as I cut it. If I buy a pizza I have to sneak it in so he don't see it or he'll be down. We quit answering the door so he bought us a doorbell for Christmas so we would here him. My wife made comments but he just ignores them. Well since he sees we are having problems he started walking in front of his window naked all the time with no curtains. He asked her to go out drinking twice when I was at work like it's no big deal. Ant even asked me once to see a picture of her breasts when he was drunk. I know she has no interest in him at all. It's just the nerve of him thinking he is doing nothing wrong. I let him pay $200 a month rent because I felt bad for him (which I don't know). I could just beat him up easily but I just don't want to deal with him anymore. Right now he is having sex with his friends wife and wonders why I don't care for him. He tries to brag about it to me and I don't want to hear it. I told him people get shot for that when he asked what I think. When the water bill is due and I tell him the amount(keep in mind I already take money off of it because he lives alone) He agrues and says my wife said it is lower. I think he wants us to fight about it. Well when I told her what he said she got mad and said she told him it fluctuates. This is what made me decide he has to go, and the naked in the window crap. He also calls her when I'm at work but hasn't gone over the line in anything he says but my wife is not hear to occupy him. I'm stupid because everyone that knows us warned me not to let him move in. I felt bad for him though. All my friends know him well and told me don't come over their house if he's with me. He is the type of person that when he comes over he don't feel right unless he borrows something. And then he has it forever. Wow I really went off. I'm sorry. He's been getting under my skin.

I have been having messed up dreams lately too. Ok back to you. Sorry but you asked and I told you. Anything bugging you that you would like to talk about? Just hang in there like I am trying to do. Even though I have a lot on my plate I like to listen. I looked up beaver town on a google map. Are you by a large river? Next time you can vent on me. I feel bad saying all this negative stuff. I'm the downer. I am not always like this it's just I am fed up with some things. And what is happening in my relationship makes me feel like I did when I lost Lurch. I will be more positive next time. Sometimes it is hard as you know. Hope you feel better. And I hope your not mad about what I said about the Steelers. I was joking with you about it just so you know. Bye for now.

 

 

I slept about 4 hours and will try to get more sleep. Just wanted to say don't feel you have to write me back everyday. Just do it when you feel like it. I do because I am bored. Take care.

Posted 4/26/2007 4:12 PM (GMT 0)
Sloan,

 

 I dont write you back everyday because I feel I have to. I just enjoy talking with you and want to try and help you as much as I can. I hope it doesnt bother you because I do write everyday.

 

I hate to say it...but yes..I do play POGO, but I am happy to say I am not obsessed with it lol. I only play about an average of 3 hours off and on each day. I am a member of Club Pogo, and they change the badges in there every Weds. So that is the day that I am in there the most...to work on getting my badges. I dont really understand what role reversal games are. I just enoy playing because it is sort of a therapy and gets my mind off my problems alittle. Speaking of therapy...have you and your wife ever concidered going to see a marriage counseller? Or would she not be up for that sorta thing? Just a thought I thought might help.

 

That is the best way to go with sunflower seeds! Just throw them up against the fence and where they land..put alittle soil over them lol. When they come up they look more natural that way. :) They certainly arent hard to grow. That is for sure.

 

Ok, I read your story about your "friend" and I am a very blunt speaking person and this story really has me fuming...because I HATE seeing anyone being TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF. nono And that is exactly what he is doing to you! Not that you asked for my opinion, but I am going to give it anyhow lol. I would get rid of this guy NOW. You have bent over backwards to do what you can for him, you have gone above and beyond the call of a friend, and he has CLEARLY stepped over some boundaries( especially where your wife is concerned). You owe him nothing else. You showed him compassion, caring, understanding and friendship and he has basically thrown it back in your face. Excuse me for saying this...but...anyone who walks in front of someone elses window naked...needs theraputic help..and NOW. Seriously it sounds to me as though he has a TON of issues that he needs help with...from a professional. I know you are trying to help him..and cut him a break..but my gosh...like I said..you have done MORE than what you needed to do. Tell him..politely..to get out....and then you go and find another tennant. Oh and a word of advice...from what I have seen and heard...never ever do business with a friend...most often they will take advantage of it. Especially when others have told you how the person is. You can feel good in the fact that you did all you could to help. This person took advantage of it...and now you should wipe your hands of the whole mess. I hope what I have said didnt upset you. I know it is easy for me to say when I dont know the guy or anything. But I am not stupid. I can see when someone is being taken advantage of and not being appreciated for what he is doing. If he respected you in any way...he would not have taken advantage of your kindness and he certainly would NOT be coming onto your wife at all...especially not in such a VULGAR manner! grrr mad

 

What are these dreams you have been having? If you dont mind me asking. I would be interested in hearing about them.

 

Believe me...I know how hard it is to be positive all the time. So be however you want to be. I dont want you to act someway you arent feeling. I believe in being honest with your feelings..no matter what they are. I never used to be a downer and the voice of gloom and doom all the time either. I used to be a happy go lucky type of person. That was in school and college and for the first few years of my marriage. I was married for 10 years. My big thing lately is just bawlin...I cry like a baby for days off and on and then I will be alittle better. I'll be ok. Life goes on and so must we. yeah

 

Ohhh, dont worry about the Steelers comment lol. I dont get mad that easily. I dont mind being teased about sports teams. I LOVE sports and realize that not everyone likes the same ones I do.

 

I hope you sleep well tonight! Take care and God bless!

 

Dawn

Posted 4/27/2007 5:58 AM (GMT 0)
Dawn,
I love talking to you I just want to make sure I'm not bugging you. Write back as much as you want I like it. Just don't feel you have to. I just feel that I bug people because my wife says I bug her when I talk to her and I don't want anyone else to feel that way about me.
You don't have to explain why you play pogo. I also play online games. It's your business and I would never judge you. My wife is a different story because we had a lot of time together before she played games and squeezed me out. And she wears a hedset and talks to guys which might be ok but I heard her talking about me to them like she hated me and was really downing me bad to them. I can't help I get anxiety and I feel it was none of their business and should of stayed in the marriage. Then she became real secretive and started using passwords on her computer. Like I think I said before we talked on the phone for hours and it was good conversation. Then she quit telling me her feelings and distanced herself from me and I became resentful and it just all went down hill from there. I play dungeons&dragons online which I know my Dad wouldn't like but it's just a game. Lately I haven't been motivated to play but when I was I did put in some time on it. I still have a substcription but haven't played due to stress. My wife's situation is different then yours.
We went to the marriage couselor twice and she was mad "I dragged he there." The couselor started pointing out her behaviors along with mine but she doesn't want to hear about hers. I went myself a few time because I liked it and plan to go more just for me but my insurance doesn't cover it so I go when I can. She won't go and has decided divorce.

My tennant walks in front of his own window naked upstairs but he knows my wife lives here and it is disrespectful. But it has been a few times now. I knew what I was getting into with him. It is my own fault. I have been reading on tennant landlord rights. If I give him a written eviction I have to tell him why and he can request a hearing and then I have to say all this stuff in front of everybody and maybe have to prove it. My wife wants no part of it. It will be my word against his and he might be able to get 3 months free rent. I'm not sure. If I ask him to leave I don't know if he will or if he will draw it out. I regret letting him come. I know his mother and at the time she wouldn't even take him in. He put guilt on me and now I have a problem that I have to deal with on top of divorce. Tell me what you think of this. I read that a landlord has the right to raise the rent at any time. I was thinking of putting it to $325 and that way at least he won't be getting over on me and if he doesn't pay I have grounds to evict him without the embarrassing stories in a hearing. Just money issues. He has to go though. He is perverted and sick and thinks there is nothing wrong with it. He is open about it. It's weird. He is like this with everyone not just me. All his friends take turns either hitting him or just wanting him out of their life. And all he does is talk about how bad they are like he is the victom. Thanks for listening. You probably wonder about me because I have a friend like that. The only reason I do is because he grew up accross the street from me and I know his family. And they are not perfect either. I will deal with this somehow though.

The dreams are usually stressful ones. Like one was I had a baby cobra and it got out in the house and I couldn't find it and was worried it would bite the dogs. Then another I was in a swamp with alligators and was swimming in slow motion and couldn't get away. Those were recent ones. I am really into dreams and dreaming. In unstressful times I keep a dream journal. I love to dream if they are good ones.

We are all downers at times I guess. When I am happy actually I am a practical joker. I buy pranks and use them on people so just so you know I have a funny side. Just now I have a crisis going on. Over the years some of them have been ok others not at all. I wish you weren't upset and crying sometimes but it's hard for a guy to admit I have been there too and am now. I understand life is hard. I feel bad dumping on you on your thread if there is anything you would like to talk about go right ahead. about those sunflower seeds do I have to water them a lot or will the rain do it? I hope you have some good days coming up and not bad ones. Your not alone. And thank you for helping me.
Posted 4/27/2007 5:10 PM (GMT 0)
Sloan,

 

 First off...I cant believe anything I have said has helped you at all. I am not very good at lifting people's spirits, but I am glad that you enjoy talking to me.

 

You mentioned about your wife airing your buisness online to other people. You are right, that really isnt wise or a proper thing to do. I think that when a couple has problems, it should be kept between them and a counseller( if needed) and close family/friends. Not everyone needs to know your buisness. That is just my opinion though. I am so sorry that all this is happening to you. Believe me..I know what a rotten feeling it is to know that the person you love and care about no longer shares those same feelings. I am the type of person who takes it personally too. I always think when something bad happens or when someone is upset..etc..that I am the ONLY one to blame. My mom gets upset with me because I think that way...but I just cant seem to help it. When something goes wrong I just naturally always think it is because of me...because I am some terrible person, or just not worth anything..etc..that type of garbage.

I think raising the rate on the rent is a good idea! That way you do have a reason to evict and he wouldnt have a leg to stand on. There comes a time when enough is enough and it sounds to be as though this is enough. Have you ever suggested that he go and get help??? He seems to really be a very disturbed person. Although, like you said, in his eyes he probably doesnt have a problem. He sounds like someone who definantly needs counselling though.

I am assuming you work just during the week? If so...what do you usually do on your days off(Sat and Sun).

It looks like it is going to thunderstorm here..so I have to go and shut down the puter...sorry this was so short :( I hope you have a good nights sleep!

Take care and God bless!

Dawn

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