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My nerves are shot!!! Any advice

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Posted 7/4/2007 5:56 PM (GMT 0)
mad  My anxiety level is so high right now, I could just scream.  My 21 y/o daughter is driving me crazy.  She has anxiety and panic attacks and depression as well and hasn't been out of an abusive relationship for very long, but she is driving me crazy.  She doesn't want to help out around the house, she hardly stays at home.  She runs in and out and takes baths and changes clothes and she is gone again.  Her room stays a mess and she doesn't pick up after herself.  Although she calls me on the phone constantly either just to talk or to ask me about bills.  She worries constantly about everything.  I have had to take her to the ER on several occassions in the past for her anxiety being so bad and vomiting and stuff and even when the idiot she was seeing beat the crap out of her.  She did take him to court (with lots of encouragement), but he got off it was dismissed.  He controlled her so bad.  She has gone back to him numerous times, but this time she has been away for months.  Crossing my fingers and praying hard she won't go back.  The thing is she hollars at me and has no respect.  When I try to talk to her about helping out around here or anything elese, she gets upset and reacts inappropriately.  After she leaves, she will end up calling and appologizing.  OH she also always blames her illness on me, because I have the same things she does.  I did have her when I was 16 y/o and I am sure I made many mistakes, but I always have put her first in my life.  My husband and I have done without many times for our children.  She has moved out before and came back home.  Now today she says she is moving out again soon as she gets a 2nd job; I told her good.  We have done this before though and she won't like I said she will appologize.  I don't know how to help her I have tried everything.  She will listen to my husband better than me, but she doesn't go through very long with her promises.  She does drink alcohol often.  I have told her not to and that it makes her depression worse.  When she is wanting me to help her with things and she gets so sick she is in bed vomiting and crying and wanting me to sleep with her at night, she will listen, but as soon as she feels better she is right back at it.  She went to counseling last year intensive outpatient program; helped some, but then she got back with that idiot again.  I don't know what to do with her at this point.  All advice would be appreciated.  Sorry, but I needed to vent, my nerves are shot.
Posted 7/4/2007 6:47 PM (GMT 0)
is it possible that shes bipolar? just a thought and i dont know enough about it (even though i have it, still to new to it myself) or all of you situation. but her mood swings are kinda like mine. and she sounds alot like how i behave. i have to stay away from alcohol all together because it just makes things way worse and i am basically an alcoholic. but she seems to go up and down and be all over the place and it might be something to look into. i really dont know what else would explain such mood shifts and almost erratic sounding behavior. i hope things get better for you and her soon.
Posted 7/4/2007 8:02 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Floss,

This is probably going to sound cold to most but it sounds to me like it's time for some tough love. We sometimes fail to notice that our children are old enough to fend for themselves because we look at them as our babies forever... but the truth is she is not a little girl anymore. People have a tendancy to continue behavior that they've been allowed to "get away with". In my opinion (and I'm not an authority on this subject) it's time to tell her that she needs to find a place of her own. You can certainly help her locate the place and pass along some hand me down furniture or something along those lines but as long as you allow her to behave this way she will continue.

Explain that you love her and you want to see her succeed and be happy that that you'de be willing to support her in any way you can but that it is now time for her to take responsibility for her choices and stop blaming others for her problems. You can't fix her - she has to fix herself. Just my opinion
Posted 7/4/2007 10:10 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Floss,
That is a hard one, but I have to agree with the tough love. It seems sometimes no matter how hard you try to get threw to them, you just cant.
Also it does sounds alittle like bipolar too, Could be both. But I would NOT allow her to act that way to you and you may have to come down harsh on her but sometimes it must be done. Good Luck !
Posted 7/4/2007 10:26 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Floss,
Wow, I am so sorry.
When I finished my first thought was ??bipolar. She has many mood swings.
I would almost suggest she needs an inpatient stay if there is a good program available. How does she do in the work enviornment?
How about her friends and siblings, does she have probems with them too, or just her disrespect for you and all you do for her? If her disease is causing her behavior then she needs therapy and meds IMHO. If she is being disrespectful because she can get away with it, then you need to tell her straight up that her behavior is unexceptable and you will not tolerate it anymore.
Wish there was more I could offer right now, but you certainly are doing more than your share and you are obvously a loving and caring parent.
Don't lose wo you are in the middle of all this, it is not your fault.
Gentle Hugs
Kitt
Posted 7/5/2007 5:51 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for all the advice and keep it coming if you have anymore thoughts or anyone elese as well.

You asked about her work enviroment and friends and siblings; Work: Yes she has work issues. She goes to work, but she worries about every little thing and she gets into these panics and calls me and ask me questions, but she won't let me answer and just gets mad and more upset. When she takes her Ativan she is much better. She feels dumb and gets upset easily, yet she gets mad easily too and she is kind of paranoid in a way about it, like they are talking about her or don't help her enough when she has questions, just different things. She cannot concerntrate on anything. She often feels like she is a failure. She is all over the place, because then she is like I am 21 y/o I know what I am doing. She is on Remeron for depression / anxiety and it definately helps, but she still has these problems. She is not just like this with me: Although she is the worst with me.. She has one brother 17 y/o and honestly, he is way more mature than she is. She gets upset with him too, but other times she is fine with him. She has had a lot of friends, she goes with her friends all the time, it is like she cannot be alone or sit home, she has to be doing something.....anything, but sitting around. A lot of her friends wouldn't be around her for awhile because she was with that guy and they would not be around him ( and I don't blame them), and she has some good friends, but others she shouldn't be around, she doesn't always make good choices. Also, she is always trying to help other people, except for her immediate family, and she has to be in control of things. She always drives for instance. I don't know this has gone on for soooo long, there is a lot of history, too long to write. She doesn't scream at her Daddy, but she will argue with him too. He is pretty loud though, and she listens to him more than anyone, but at the same time like I said earlier, she doesn't follow thru long. We have discussed kicking her out and my husband is really ready to. She has put a real strain on our family, brother included as well as my Mama.
I have told her to leave, and she says she is, but then she gets upset and decides she can do better. She has moved out over the last few years 3 different times at least and ended up coming back home. You can't talk to her she gets irrate. She always has some reason, her nerves are shot, please don't fuss at me, I have to be so and so can we talk later, etc.... etc.... etc.... She doesn't understand, really, i don't care if she goes places often, but I do care that she can't lift a finger here or keep her room clean and pick up after herself and I don't tolerate her hollaring at me and talking ugly to me, We have gotten into some heated arguments big time. I really think she may be bipolar, but I also think she has been spoiled and she is very immature. I don't know what is going to happen. Hubby said tonight he is fixing to change the locks and tell her that she can come and get her stuff and after that she can visit, but she will have to knock to come in, will not be able to come and go as she pleases. I said tell her one more time what we expect and tell her it is to take place immediately and let her know if not that is it she has to move out. All I know is I am tired of dealing with this, and I have been tired of it. As for earlier, just as I said, she is all appologetic and acts like nothing ever happened. Keep me in your thoughts and again thanks for letting me vent. I couldn't sleep again tonight and I have been up since 6:30 am, which is unusual for me, but I had a good day today, other than the incidence with daughter today. Just took my Xanax, maybe that will help.
Posted 7/5/2007 7:36 AM (GMT 0)

Floss,

I actually have a good deal of experience with this type of behavior (just finished four years in social work), but unfortunately I have to get up in five hours and so I need to sleep.  But the gist of my advice is this: you said, "I have told her to leave, and she says she is, but then she gets upset and decides she can do better. She has moved out over the last few years 3 different times at least and ended up coming back home."

It is your decision to let her come back home.  Of course, she is your daughter, but I have to agree that a little tough love is in order.  You have to set some FIRM boundaries.  If you tell her she can't come home, she can't come home.  I don't care if she whines or moans about it for six months.  I don't care if you're positively weeping because you miss her so much; once you set that boundary, you cannot break it.  What you may do is have an intervention with her and say that she can stay with you if certain conditions are met.  You would write them down in black and white.  She and you both sign this "contract." If the conditions are not met, she's out.  That's it. 

Like I said, I have more ideas on the subject but I'll have to get back to you on those!  I really wish you the best of luck.  I can tell you are frustrated and have every reason to be! 

Posted 7/5/2007 8:12 AM (GMT 0)
HI Floss
I truly believe that "tough Love" is the needed and only answer to this one
She is going to have to learn to understand YOU did not cause her to be this way ........
I too have a teen that is a bit panicy and A type personality but excels in everything and I know if shje were to tell me she would not help out around the house or not do anything at all for me I would certainly return the " favor"
Our kids nowadays find it sooo easy to blame the parents
I too went and still do w/o things for her and I dont care as long as she is respectful to me

I am truly sorry you are going thru this I went thru it with my 32 yr old son at about your daughters age and his asket was shown the door
Today he is a hard worker has two kids and is a great father ,husband and son as well as brother

I say sweetie stick to your guns on this ..........
YOu want to email me lgo ahead and info is under my name at side
Hoping Sarita has some more input for you as well

Thanks Sarita ...........Lyn

Take care Floss

LYN
Posted 7/5/2007 5:26 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks all. It does help to hear everyone's advice. As far as excelling, she was always a straight A student, graduated with honors, and so on. She was always such a loving child. She did however start having some problems in high school when we moved her 9th grade year. The popularity stuff: she is very pretty all the boys like her and a lot of the girls hated her because of this. Her self esteem somewhat plummeted at times, other times she would hold her head up high. She has always been outgoing though through it all. In high school she met a guy, who ended up joining the military and she really liked him and they are still friends now, but somewhere along the line, he cheated on her with one of her friends. She broke up with him just before he finished basic training (she wasn't quite 16 at the time). After that she got involved with a boy who had drug problems, she broke up with him when she found out, but then she dated another boy who had the same problem and none of us new he did them. She was devistated over this one, and he was a sweet boy around us, but his father had been killed some years before and come to find out, he had been in and out of drug rehab. She wouldn't believe it for a long time, but when she started noticing him stealing and lying, she finally accepted it. These guys were on crack. My dtr has done pot and did it often for awhile. I think she still does it at times, and I can definately tell when she does. This other guy though the one for past 2 years, has real issues: been to prison, gave up his dtr, abused my dtr and so on and so on. Like I said before, she has been away this time for a couple of mos or so. She use to say she didn't want to be like this (when she was with him) when she was upset and she would tell me everything (things that it hurt to hear even), but when he had control over her, she denied, denied, denied any harsh feelings and protected him so to speak.
All of her more serious problems have happened since she turned 18 y/o.
Last night my husband said that she is going to leave. I said ok talk with her once more: tell her she has to change immediately (today). That is it no more, no more. So he is going to talk with her, because if I do it by myself it will only be blame, blame, blame and will only be a fuss. I will be present though.
FYI in the past when she was 19 I think, we did do a contract all of us signed. Of course she broke it and I think she did move out at that time. It has been a roller coaster, but it does have to come to an end and I know tough love is what is needed and I have for some time, and I have tried except for the moving out and staying out, but now I guess I have to do this again and stick with it. I think I can do it better this time, because I am so tired of it and stay so upset.
Sorry this is so long. If anyone has more suggestions on this or advice on the aftermath of it, please advise. Thanks again to everyone who has responded, this is very hard, and with my IBS and fibro and stuff, it really has been hard.
Posted 7/5/2007 5:45 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Floss,
Well I have seen some great advice but I realize that tough love is hard. It will hurt you more than her I suspect.
I don't remember if I read anywhere that she is in therapy for her mental health issues. Also, I would like to see her reevaluate by a psychiatrist for a diagnosis.
She started out dating at a very young age and she has become acclimated to the attention but her maturity for the kinds of situations she went through was lacking.
Keep posting. (((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))
Posted 7/5/2007 6:05 PM (GMT 0)
She isn't in therapy now, she was suppose to go to a crisis counselor for the abuse several mos ago, but then she didn't go; actually we were both going to go, (battered women syndrome). She wasn't abused as a child, and has not been around it that I am aware of, prior to her recent abuse, but I was going for support and to understand her situation better. She went through intensive outpt program last year I think for several weeks. She is on Remeron and her primary doc prescribes that. They put her on that when we went to the ER after her physical and mental abuse. A mental health professional saw her in the ER as well, but she didn't qualify for inpatient therapy at that time. Plus on the way over there she begged me not to have her committed, she was so upset from all the trauma and I was concerned she would be or would need to be, and I would have done it if they had of suggested it, because the time before, they wanted her to me admitted. Yes, it is much, much harder on me than her this tough love stuff.
FYI she just called and said she is going after work to cook chicken casserole at her girlfriends house and then tomorrow she and this girl are going to look for second jobs. I ask her if she were trying to get money to move out on and she replied I am just trying to get money period. She doesn't make a lot of money and doesn't have as much as she would like to. She was just in a great mood, like nothing ever happened; which she could call again in 5 mins and be so upset over nothing. Oh well, this is the norm.
Posted 7/7/2007 7:46 AM (GMT 0)
Update: Dtr called last pm to say that she is trying to find a second job and that she and one of her girlfriends have found a place to rent, that is reasonable rate. I told her I thought she did need to find a place of her own and she replied " I know ". We will see. Hopefully, she can move out this way and it will not have to come down to us putting her out.
Posted 7/7/2007 8:49 AM (GMT 0)
Hi floss...oakley here       I just read all

 the posts and was thrilled to read the last post of yours. How wonderful that she has found a place.I truly agree with all the other advice you have received. I m just grateful that it islooking this good, as are you I am sure. One thing to add now, when she moves out I would sit her down and say, You know we love you, but you cannot come back here again, unless you are healthy...no drugs or alcohol and you must go to treatment. Let her know that you deserve peace in your life and that you will be there for her as she goes thru treatment. She needs treatment. It will not last if she does not get it. she needs to tell a professional all she has going on in her head, and if she is bipolar, she must not drink. Please tell her she is wonderful, because she is your daughter, after all  , but you want her clean and happy, and too much of her adult life seems to have been a mess. Abusive realtionships are like living in another world, you can't know all the pain she has endured. She needs to here that she is going to rise above the past.I hope that one day if she hasn't already , she will come to the Lord and give herself to Him to heal. God Bless you, floss               My heartfelt hugs are with you, Annie

Posted 7/7/2007 12:11 PM (GMT 0)
Floss
 I am glad she found her own place
YES she may be bipolar or have some other issues but it is time to let the apron strings go hun and for you to enjoy the rest of your life with hubby ya know


I backmouthed my momma when I was 12 and I got a punch in the mouth fist closed .........
I learnt right smartly and quickly not to "Mess with da mom" and nowadays if you SPANK your child it is abuse .......and they are taught this at grade school level

AND NO I DO NOT HIT CAIT NEVER HAVE

You cannot live like this forvever you need to step up or her dad does and be her HERO by saying this is it kiddo we love you to death but you now need to learn what it is like to live on your own and take responsiblity for yourself



All the best to you hun and to her as well

I hope she will be checked out totally and maybe the reasons for the manic mood swings will be found and able to be worked on with meds and self help .......

LYN

EDITED for content

Posted 7/7/2007 12:46 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Floss,
I was glad to hear your daughter has found a place to rent and she just needs a second job. Meanwhile perhaps she will stay with her friends.
Friends won't stick by you long if you treat them as your daughter is behaving toward you. I am glad you are having some peace. It is hard to be firm, but it is the right thing to do, IMHO.
I know if she was in a true emergency you would be right there for her.
Posted 7/7/2007 2:27 PM (GMT 0)
Howling cat, Your mom punched you in the mouth with her fist???? You could not possibly have respected her after that. Afraid of her, mad at her...yes, maybe. Floss , it will all work out. Your daughter is on the right track. Meanwhile, I know you want the best for her.Annie
Posted 7/7/2007 2:59 PM (GMT 0)
Well, I believe in patience and tolerance when it comes to children, especially when they have emotional problems of their own. I've seen all the extremes with my friends:

Parents embrace: kid takes advantage
Parents embrace: kid thrives
Parents embrace: kid at least stops slipping farther and farther away

Parents push away: kid lacks discipline, behavior gets worse
Parents push away: kid feels rejected and alone, enters a bad and dangerous depression
Parents push away: kid is forced to grow up, gets better

I've seen every one of those happen. The result ranged from suicide to the kid going on to become a hell of an attorney.

Keep in contact with your daughter, of course. There's no way to tell what may happen at this point.
Posted 7/7/2007 3:42 PM (GMT 0)

There is a perfect balance - somewhere - of letting your child know that s/he is the most important person in your life and you value his/her life more than your own, and putting your foot down to keep their best interests at heart.  We know you would do anything for your child.  Writing a very specific contract and sticking to it no matter what will teach her several things; namely that when you say something, you mean it, which she will gain respect for if she hasn't already!

Best of luck, floss.

Posted 7/7/2007 6:15 PM (GMT 0)
Floss, Do let us know how things are going, we are thinking of you. God bless, Annie
Posted 7/7/2007 8:23 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for all the replies; Right now I am going to try to deal day-day and encourage a place of her own, just as I did the other day. She has been with her friends since Thursday night and this is the norm for her; however, when she comes back to check in, I guess I will have to stay on her heels to make her clean up behind herself like I have done before. Sometimes though I just don't have the energy with my illness. Other times I can. Funny thing last night I had a fever again 101.0 (at the highest point ) and a migraine, a bit of abdominal pain in left upper quad. Fever is down today to 99.0 without tylenol. Oh yes and my heart rate has been all over the place (irregular extra beats, missing a beat, tachy then brady ). Just a little bit ago was so constipated was going small amts at time, finally used enema and got so nauseated, but it worked. This is the second time in 2 wks I have had a fever and headache of unknown origin. I just haven't felt well lately, but I still have to deal with daughters problems. It is hard for me to "kick her out when I know a lot of what she went through in that relationship" and I was the one who has taken her to all her visits to hospital and mental health appts. I don't want to kick her out if what she really needs is help. What if it makes her worse? She can make me madder than anyone elese and quicker, but yes I love her so much and she loves me; she just doesn't respect our rules usually. If she would just respect the house rules, there wouldn't be a problem with her staying here. Yes, sometimes I do think she uses her moods as excuses. Other times, she is really upset - that is when she stays home and cries all day and night. Anyway, like I said day-day I guess and if needed I will have to do the tough love thing, I just hope I don't have to. I never thought in a million years I would be here with my daughter. Thanks for listening and the advice it is much appreciated all of it.
Posted 7/8/2007 1:30 AM (GMT 0)
Doing some deep breathing for at least five minutes everyday. In through your mouth and out of your nose. 30 seconds when you are faced with a current situation that is stressing you out.
Posted 7/8/2007 10:41 AM (GMT 0)
Oakly

I had told my Mother to go F herself at a very young age I was 12 as posted
She weighed all of 98 lbs at the time .........
Yes I did and and always will respect her

Mom passed in March of 06

I would never raise my hand to my daughter but I do not regret the lesson that day as well as all the other lessons and NO they are not by hitting me .......that happened once and thats all it took for me to learn to respect my MOM and all she was doing for 5 kids of her own and others she fostered .....
SHE did profusely apologise and so did I for what I did say n for what she had done plus she had never ever forgiven herself for that day and actions
I DID
I DONT ADVOCATE hitting anyone especailly kids I was telling a side of my story
sorry it OFFENDED you


She is at Peace now .........and we were the closest of all the kids ..........

LYN
Posted 7/8/2007 10:51 AM (GMT 0)
Floss I wish you and your daughter all the best
Thoughts and prayers are with you

Take care and keep others posted on how things are going

God Bless
LYN
Posted 7/8/2007 3:59 PM (GMT 0)
BTW
I forgave my Mother
However she died without forgiving self .........
Posted 7/9/2007 4:29 AM (GMT 0)
So sorry howylncat for what you all went through and i am sorry she didn't forgive herself, but i am glad u forgave her. This thing with my daughter is not easy; actually a lot of this probably is my fault, although some of it is not. My daughter and I are very, very close even with all of this going on and part of the reason is because we are and have always been "friends". Sometimes that is a good thing, and sometimes it is not the best of things. She tells me everything, and I do mean everything: and always has, some of which I would have rather not have known about, but we have always dealt with it. She has been with her friends since Thurs and is not coming home tonight either, but i have been in touch with her everyday all weekend. She calls me a lot. We do get along better when she is not at home. I haven't ever been able to figure this thing out completely and most people including her past therapist and other family members that she is sick, very immature for her age and emotionally a wreck. Therefore, it is hard to just simply use tough love with her. Hopefully, I will do the right thing whatever that ends up to be, but I am glad that everyone has given me their advice and the support has meant a lot. I will keep u updated as much as possible though and hopefully things will end up being good in the outcome. Thanks again all.
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