Hello RehabNurse and all. I am new at this forum thing, so please forgive my mistakes. I have to write you Rehabnurse, I have been where you are! I was an ICU nurse for 20+ yrs until a spinalcord injury left me paraplegic. Hard to jump tall buildings, never eat or potty for a whole shift when one is in a wheelchair! I also have depression, the loss of abiltiy to care for chidren, loss of identity (who am I now that I'm not a nurse?), chronic pain- of which I still have to have morphine every 12 hr (extended release) and take percocet for breakthru. I also take 2 different AD, and have been on 3 at once. I also have required anti-axiety meds, all simutaneously. Then there are the muscle spasms that come with a SCI. These require muscle relaxants. The depression gets compounded as I am/ was the caregiver of all, but never a receiver. Becoming the "cared for" is a very difficult role for most nurses I believe. We, many of us in the medical field, have migrated here from our yrs. of nurturing others. How many nurses do we know that are the adult children of alcoholics?
It IS a difficult road to walk. No pun intended. My eldest daughter attempted suicide while I was still in acute care. She was 17 yrs old at the time. This was her reaction to my injury. She tried it once more after I came home. Thankfully, she lived thru both overdoses. For a long time, we had to keep all my meds locked in the cartrunk with all keys in someone's pocket!
I am on diability. It grieves me that my profession was taken from me; not that I chose to leave it. I really struggled with embarrassment over the "disability" word. I had such a negative image in my mind, from years of working with people who seemed out to beat the system. Get something for nothing. I also had a MAJOR fear of being labled a "drug seeker" b/c of all the meds I require. And require is the correct word. I would rather not have to take all this stuff, but THANK GOD there are chemicals, given appropriately, to make our lives liveable. And also, I am thankful for physicians who do realize there are people with chronic pain that are not about to die. But they cannot truely live, because they are prisoners of the pain.
I have had my experiences with the jerks that have the right initials behind their name. MD, PA, CNP. If you encounter one who does not provide for you physically and mentally, get another. That provider is human, just as we. He/she is not a god. Nor the final authority. As humans, we all walk different paths. Perhaps their life has just not revealed to them the deep anquish some of us have to live in. If their mind is closed, don't waste your energy trying to convert them. Find another caregiver. They are out there! Compassionate, educated medical team players who will not beat you up further, but give you the necessary tools to go forth, and YES, even conquer these great mountains. YOU will laugh again.
Something that helped me tremendously in my recovery was this: I surrounded myself with joy. I refused to read the newspaper or watch the news. No sad movies. Only comidys. I read only happy material, or that which brought me hope. I watched old reruns of "Lucy" , "THe 3 Stooges", etc. Even cartoons! I was an ostrich to anything ugly, sad, degrading, or undermining to my positive flow. This was a little difficult at times, as I was in rehab, then began the process of a malpractice lawsuit, as my SCI was the result of anesthesia given improperly. And I am not an ostrich personality.
I also took the attitude (or I said it all the time. Attitude was a gradual change) that God didn't stop this disaster in my life,nor did He cause it. But for some reason, I was where I was supposed to be. My job was to be the best me I could in this new role. As I said earlier, I even lost my identity, so this was a real challenge!
The councelor you are seeing that is judgemental about your need for Rx. From my past experience, if the therapist is not 110% in sink with you, there are areas that cannot benifit. It will be a stumbling block in your progress. It is a very low blow to be concidered a junky when you can't even get out of bed without the benefit of RX. As I said above, we all walk differnet trails, and too often opinions with misinformation make our decisons for us. And we suffer.
I'm sorry for the length of this. I pray it is benificial. I know it is rambling- it is 4:30am!- I'm up becuase those muscle spasms won't let me lie in bed tonight.
I did not grow into the peace I have overnight. I've been in my "new life" for 7 years now.
Take one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Sometimes that is all we can handle. And that is OK. Sincerely, NewLife RN