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Posted 8/31/2007 10:28 PM (GMT 0)
I had my first full session with my therapist today. Went pretty good. Realized something that never eccured to me. But anyway, the reason for this post. We were discussing possible triggers for my panic attacks and she said something that scared the mess out of me. I was physically and emotionally abused by my dad as achild and I swore to myself and my wife I would never do that to our children. Now my four year old son is two handfulls and he can be very strong willed at times.She told me that abuse was a learned behavior and with my self destructiveness I could take some out on him. Could this be a possible trigger? I love my children and I would rather rot in hell than to ever hurt them. But when I have had all I can take the attacks hit. Could it be that learned behavior of abuse at odds with my decision to treat my children better than I was that triggers my attacks. It sounds corny I know but It's something to think about. Any opinions and support would be greatly appreciated.
Posted 9/1/2007 1:24 AM (GMT 0)

Tat,

Could you give us an example to help understand your question a bit better?

Thank you my friend.

Posted 9/1/2007 2:20 AM (GMT 0)
Let me see if this helps. Today my youngest son was doing something he knew he shouldn't do. I told him to stop once and he kept doing it anyway.  Then I told him to sit on his bed by himself (he hates that) and he screamed no and went about his business. My dad would have used a huge thick leather belt until whelps were bleeding and throw in a few degrading comments to finish it up. I know children need to be taught to mind and there must be reprocussions when they don't, but that is going way too far. Yet, it's all I know. I fight within myself everyday to keep from doing that to my kids. I'm new at tthis therapy stuff and have a hard time putting my thoughts out there so I hope this helps.
Posted 9/1/2007 2:49 AM (GMT 0)

Tat,

You are on the right track. I used to sit down and cry as I was afraid if I had to go back upstairs and put my children back in their own beds one more time I might really physically hurt them.  I had to remove myself from access to them when I became angry until I learned some newer parenting techiques. I would go outside and stand in the snow in the winter.  J

The last person I adviced on this very topic was a dear friend of mine as she is a single parent and struggles with this same issue. this is what I sent to her.

If you are having difficulty disciplining your child, it is important to remember that you may not be doing anything wrong. All children are different and have different temperaments and developmental levels and a style of discipline that may work with other children may not work with yours

You should understand that how you behave when disciplining your child will help to determine how your child is going to behave or misbehave in the future. If you give in after your child repeatedly argues, becomes violent or has a temper tantrum, then he will learn to repeat this behavior because he knows you may eventually give in (even if it is only once in a while that you do give in). If you are firm and consistent then he will learn that it doesn't pay to fight doing what he is eventually going to have to do anyway. Some children, however, will feel like they won if they put off doing something that they didn't want to do for even a few minutes.

Be consistent in your methods of discipline and how you punish your child. This applies to all caregivers. It is normal for children to test their limits, and if you are inconsistent in what these limits are, then you will be encouraging more misbehavior.

Your absolutely right, you were a child of abuse and that can set you up for being an abusive parent, however, you don't have to turn into your Father.  Be true to your heart and keep posting here. Lean on us and we will hold your hand.  Work with that therapist and beat the urges that overcome you.  Leave the situation if you must until the frustration and anger passes.

I am not a professional, just another parent.

Gentle Hugs to a good man.


Posted 9/1/2007 3:03 AM (GMT 0)

Thanks kitt,

Now I have something to go on. My sons will be going to their grand parents this weekend so I'll have time to sit down and do some thinkink and look for ways to help me cope. All I really know right now is that I will not become my father. Whatever that takes, that's what I'll do. Thanks again.

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