Wrestling with some tough stuff right now

The past few days have been so tough for me as in our family we have had some major upsets.  To fully understand the situation, you have to know that my family is very fractured, there are 8 of us kids total I'm the youngest.  I speak frequently to my oldest sister who is 20 years older than me, but don't speak at all to the next three oldest, their choice to not have any contact with anyone in the family.  The next three family members I speak to very rarely.  It isn't my choice to not speak to anyone, it's kind of just the way it is with my family.  My mother is awful and has treated all of us very abusively, we all have our scars and I guess that separating is just everyone's way of dealing.  I've always hated it, felt very abandoned by everyone and have dealt with it extensively in therapy.

Anyway, with that said, last week one of my sisters (one that I talk to rarely) had her house broken into, while they were at work, and they were robbed.  My mother called to tell me and I immediately called my sister to tell her how sorry I was that that had happened and that if she needed anything or wanted to talk I was here.  She was really nice about it, which I have to say surprised me, she even told my mom that she was surprised that I called and thought it was so sweet of me.  It's really been bothering me on several levels, one it scares the life out of me that it will happen to us...this isn't a new fear, just seems more real since it happened to them.  The other thing is that I've heard from my mother that my sister is afraid to be home alone and doesn't go home after work until her husband is there and when she was home sick yesterday made her husband stay home with her.  I want to reach out to her, but have been rejected so many times that I'm afraid to again...any thoughts?

Second thing that happened is worse, and I'm having much more of a struggle with it.  On Saturday my oldest sister called for our usual weekend chat, she was crying and very upset.  She told me that another one of my sisters, one who pretty much left the family 30 years ago, is dying of cancer.  It's bad and she was told that if she makes it through the summer she will be lucky.  Knowing this has been awful!  First of all I feel horrible for her as I would for anyone with cancer.  Again, I want to reach out, but have not talked to her since age 11, don't know her at all, and my oldest sister says she does not want to hear from anyone in the family, and I don't want to upset her or give her anything more to deal with at this point.  It's really hurting me that my family is so broken and this just brings that home.  I know that right now I have to remember that this is not about me, not about how I feel, and I need to respect her wishes, it's just hard when I can't be there for her...even though we've never spoken as adults, she is still my sister and I still care. 

I'm not posting here looking for sympathy, if anything please send up a prayer for my sisters.  I guess maybe I just need someone elses perspective or just needed to put this out there and vent a bit.  Any thoughts would be appreciated! 

Junebug
My heartfelt sympathy goes out to you. I know reaching out is difficult. Before my parents passed, my two brothers and I were estranged. They passed within 12 mos of each other, and I was their caregiver for 3 years. It was very difficult and my anxiety was sky high all the time. After the funerals, I reached out to my brothers,
despite my anxiety, and thru talking and remembering our childhood, we are now
very close, we spend every holiday together, and we talk on the phone at least once a week. It made me a stronger person, and they are aware of my anxiety.
IF you can get past this and reach out, you could make the difference in your sisters lives and also yours. Saying prayers for you and your family. Try to
remember.........the only thing we need to fear is fear itself. You can overcome.
Sending you hugs

Hi Junebug,

Maybe you could send your sick sister a notecard or something to let her know that you are thinking of her, who knows maybe this will change her mind about not wanting to have family involved. And if she doesn't respond, send her another one once in a while. I think she will feel better just knowing you care. You could even put your phone number in there just in case she does want to talk. I know that this is hard, my family broke up too because of my mother. I lost one sister to cancer and the other one to lupus. I still pray for them every night. I know that they now know that it wasn't me but our mother.

Good luck to you,
hugs, Karen
PS My mother's name was June and they called her junebug when she was little. That is what drew me to your post.

Thank you all for your support and kind words. 

So, I sent an e-mail to my sister who was robbed last week, just said that I was thinking about her, wondering how she was doing and offered my support again.  I only have her work e-mail and found out that she was home sick from work both Thursday and Friday, so haven't heard back from her yet.

With my sister with Cancer, Liz.   I asked my oldest sister (who I am very close to and who is the only one in the family who has contact with Liz) if she would ask Liz the next time she talked to her if if would be allright if I contacted her.  My sister asked and the reply Liz gave was "absolutely not".  So, I asked my oldest sister to please relay one more message to Liz, to tell her that I think about and pray for her every day and that I love her.  My oldest sister again relayed this message and Liz replied "fine".  So, I feel I've done what I could, and now must close the door on this.  I'm feeling okay about it, of course wishing that it would have turned out differently, but I will respect her wishes and also allow myself to let go now. 

Kitt, I know you are away right now, hopefully having a wonderful time, but I wanted to respond to what you said as well.  Yes, my mother is definitely the cause of many of the problems between all of us, it seems that she not only instigates trouble, but promotes it as well.  I've learned over the years to not trust what she says and ususally get the info from her and go to the source for the facts, if possible.  In fact, when she told me about my sister who had been robbed, I asked mom what the number was at my sisters work, and mom, being mom, hemmed and hawed and gave me the wrong number.  When I called her back to tell her it was the wrong number, she insisted it was right...I tried it again and it was still wrong.  Then she called me to ask if I'd gotten a hold of her and when I told her that the number was not right and that I was going online to look it up, she all of a sudden came up with the right number...hmmmm interesting.  So we are all aware and very wary of our Mother.  I think it is a fear of hers that all of us will come together and exchange horror stories and all figure out what an evil person she really is...hate to break it to her, but we already know!

Thank you all again for the support it did help me to find the courage to reach out and although it didn't turn out exactly as I would have liked, I do have peace in knowing I made an attempt and that means alot.

I have a mother exactly like yours. My father left me at age one and I never knew him. My mother thrives on stirring up trouble between other people, especially family members. She always carries made-up tales to everyone and constantly tells everyone that "so and so said this about YOU!" My mother was horribly abusive to us as children and now she is a drug addict and alcoholic. I am now 48 years old and have a loving husband and 3 teenagers. My mother has been married five times and two of her husbands abused me physically while she stood by and watched. I can't even describe my childhood because no one would believe me--you'd all think I was a nutcase and a liar. The last man she married, however, was a prince and was a good grandfather to my children and a good friend to me. He took care of my mother. My husband and I took care of both him and my mother when he took ill and died of pulmonary fibrosis six years ago.

After his death, my mother continued her drugging and drinking. My husband flew her out of state to a treatment center and she cleaned up. She relapsed and the battle was on again. about three years ago, my then 11 year old was over at my mother's apartment. He came home and was upset. I asked him what was wrong. (Normally my mother was pretty good around my kids so I let her see them.) My son told me that my mother told him "it was too bad he had such a terrible mother (me)". It made him feel awful. My son is not the sensitive type at all, so I know my mother was really laying one on him.

My husband and I had a talk and we met with my therapist. All of us agreed after some discussion that it was the end of the road for our relationship with my mother. I had lived with her hell for some 44 years and it was time to move on. My husband called her and told her not to contact us any more. She cried for a while and begged and pleaded, but after about a month she went away and started wrecking havoc in other people's lives. I still get the occasional call from some stranger who has become involved with her and wants me to "do something" about her because I am her daughter. I am probably going to hell for saying this, but it will be a relief when she passes on.

Thanks to anyone who reads this mess, it was a relief to type it out. Best wishes to the original poster. Mothers can be the worst.....