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Some things just arn't worth it

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Posted 3/24/2008 12:25 AM (GMT 0)
 

Its Easter, and I was so very happy to get together with my family. Mostly to see all my neices and nephews, I have 14 of them. I love to see them all together having such a good time, they all get along so well. Just watching them can bring me out of a slump.

The day was so wonderful up until I sat down with my mom to share that I was going to counseling. Lets just say it was such a stupid idea on my part.

She says to me whats the use, why am I doing it, why do I want to go back and think about the past....The past is the past let it be.

I said because its affecting my relationships today, she said yeah because your so dang picky thats why. I said yes, there is a reason why I am so dang picky, do you get it mom. Then she brought up the part about me thinking my step-dad might have been one of the men who had abused me. She told me he never did anything, she can tell me 100 percent he didn't, how rediculous is that.

Parents do this stuff all the time without the other knowing. Then she said well I was cheating on your step-dad at the time and it was someone else. She said it was my Step-dads cousin, who she was seeing at the time. Then I said well why was my step-dad there all the time if she was cheating, she said he would come and go. I still don't know that I believe that.

And why would she have not told me that when I mentioned something at 14 years of age about my early childhood memory. She was so upset with me....then she went off on me as to why we (my siblings and I) never told her these things happened. She said when she was young and someone had tried something she ran away, then told her mom.

Then went on to say why did we never tell her, there was no reason for us not telling her. Does she even get it, here I am now sharing this with her and she is denying it, making me feel like crap about going to counseling and in no way supporting me like many moms who really cared would.

This is exactly why I never told her when I was little, she wouldn't have cared, just brushed it off. I did tell if and incident when I was young and we never talked about it, just pretended it never happened.

All she cared about back then was her next high. She doesn't even do drugs or drink now and she is still so unsupportive, some things are just no use. God it kills me sometimes. I just want her to maybe say she is sorry... something... instead of making me feel that its my fault for not doing anything. I just want her to be a real mom, someone who cares what her children are going though. God, I would just love for her to put her arms around me just once and tell me that she loves me and that I am going to be fine...something.

Somehow I don't think thats ever going to happen. Are some things just not use?

Thanks for hearing me and letting me vent.

Pressing

Posted 3/24/2008 12:52 AM (GMT 0)
((((((pressing)))))) I am so very, very sorry you had to go through that.  How incredibly horrible and not what you need right now.  I think you are soo brave for bringing this up with your mother and to have her deny it and try and make you feel insigificant, well that's just not on.  We really can get abum deal with our families.

Your mother's attitude just makes me SO ANGRY.  I got a lot of the same reactions when I came out about my abuse (oh you're just attention seeking meg) and it hurt really bad.  Down to the soul.  I would love to give you a big hug and tell you it's all right..sometimes we can find that love and support away from our actual mothers.  I hope you find that and know we care and support you on this site.

Please go back to your counsellor and tell her ALL about this. The counsellor will be able to help you work through the grief and anger your mother has brought to the surface for you.  And as for being picky..pah! Be picky..you are special girl, don't settle for anything but the best.  we love you here xxxxx

Posted 3/24/2008 10:38 AM (GMT 0)
Oh Pressing, I so wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you the longest and biggest hug that you so obviously want and need.  I am so sorry that your mother doesn't believe you, it's wrong and probably deep down she knows it's wrong.  As meg said, we sometimes get a bum deal with our families and your mother's reaction and continued denial also makes me angry as **ll.  My mother didn't belive me either when I told her what was going on and I resented her for right until the day she died.  She and I never got along, neither before or after telling her about this, when I was growing up so telling her my dad abused me just made things worse for me.   I hope you know that you can come to us any time at all to vent or just to tell us how your day is going, because we will support you know matter what.  And as Meg said, please make sure to tell your counselor about all of this as this will be very important for you to work through.  You may even want to journal this event.    Finding the right guy to be with is NOT being picky, it's being smart about who want to be in a lasting relationship with.  If we aren't picky, who knows what we will be getting ourselves into!   Please keep posting to let us know how things are going.   Wen
Posted 3/24/2008 5:12 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for your kind words. I am just starting to come to terms with the fact that she is probably never going to be the nurturing mom I would have loved her to be.

I have decided today that I am never going to bring up my counseling issues with her again. There's no point in it.

My mom really doesn't believe that my abuse took place because I can't remember everything that happened.

I can tell you everything, the place I was at, all about the room I was in, about what age I was, right up to the point where it is about to happen, then for some reason the memory ends and I don't know why.

Out of 6 chidren in my family 5 of us were sexually abused, there is no denying it. My mom left us with just about anyone. Men were right on that.

My counselor is very good at not adding anything to my memories, she wants me to describe them just as I see them and she leaves them at that.

She told me that its not uncommon for children to dissociate when the painful things are happening and when I am sharing some of these memories with her I began to cry then shut down, so in that sense I am still dissociating, which she notices alot and says I am quite good at it.

I did not take that as a compliment because in reality I know I have to deal with these things. She told me that my memories may begin to become clearer or pop up at any time since I am finally talking about them. I am almost afraid to see them fully because I know how terrified I was when it was about to happen.

I realize its going to be a long process, though I would have like it to have been over yesterday. Believe me sometimes I think of just running and leaving the counseling behind but the reality these things are affecting my life and I have to make some sense of it so that I can go on with my life.

I guess I should tell my counselor about what happened with my mom, not that I am not telling her enough already. Its nice to know I am not the only one who has a hard headed, insensitive mother. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I am sorry that both of you had to expereince that too.

Sorry, I started rambling here again. Thanks so much for your advise, I really appreciate it.

Pressing
Posted 3/25/2008 12:09 AM (GMT 0)

Please vent all you want Pressing, that's what we are here for!  It sounds like you've got a great counsellor there..it's pretty common to block out or dissasociate with what happened when you were being abused.  You may recall it one day or it may never come back.  Either way it's no blessing. 

I'm feeling really sad that both you and Wen have such un-nuturing mothers.  I was blessed with the best mum in the world (I am sooo lucky) and although it took her a while to get her head around it she was my biggest supporter against those who didn't believe.  You are both incredibly strong and brave women to have gotten through this (and you will pressing) without that support.

I wish I could do more to help but unless you have a private jet all I can offer you is words, support and understanding.  You're fighting the GOOD fight right know, never forget that. xx

Posted 3/25/2008 1:19 AM (GMT 0)
Meg your too sweet. If I had a jet I just might have taken you up on that offer :)

Your words have been great. Thank you for your continued support. I see my counselor again tomorrow and with that of course comes a little worry, I just never know what's going to happen in the session. She has been great though, I do feel that I still don't know her quite enough yet to let it rip. Time...just a little more time..right..

Pressing
Posted 3/25/2008 12:29 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Pressing,   It makes me angry that your mother is so unsupportive - again, I feel like you're writing about me.  My mother never did believe me even after she knew about the abuse.  She continued leaving me alone with my father (he was the abuser) and so I hold her partly responsible for the abuse too.  Right up until the day she died she never owned her part of all of it and I resent her for it; I probably always will.  I agree with you that it's pointless, at least for now, to discuss the counseling with your mother.  She obviously doesn't care to hear about it and it will just get in the way of your recovery.  There may come a time when you will want/need to discuss these things with her, but for now just let it go.   But anyway, as Meg said you are a strong woman and with the support of HW and your counselor you will get through this.  How much you remember will just depend on how far you are able to dig into those memories.  You don't rremember the actual event because that was how you were able to deal with it while it was happening, by shutting down.  I did the same thing and I don't remember most of my childhoold - my abuse started when I was around 6 years old and stopped in my early teens (13 or 14).  There are very few memories I have of being a child.  When you are ready, you'll be able to remember the events and be able to work through them.   You'll do ok with today's session as well as the future ones.  It won't be easy and this won't be a quick process, but you'll be okay because it sounds like you have a great counselor.  You also have the support of the HW family.  Just remember that disassociating is what we do best, it's how we cope with those awful memories.   Keep posting/venting any time - you know we will be here to help you through this.    Take care, Wen
Posted 3/25/2008 5:02 PM (GMT 0)
Pressing I am so sorry as well .......I just want to say that Sweet Megs and Wen have really done a great job with their support and caring

It is really sad when you do not have a relationship with your Mother .......I did and she is gone now
I wish all the time she was still here for the gentle touches and talks we shared........
Again hun I am so sorry

Post and vent all you want plz.....
YOU DESERVE too
LYN.
Posted 3/25/2008 5:26 PM (GMT 0)
Pressing
I was also abused at a young age and I am now 54 yrs old.............. for the longest time I blocked out or could not remember ALL the details they were sketchy in my head as I was 8 when it happened the first time .......

I find that when I got older I started to have flashbacks on the bad things in life not just the SA .everything I had gone thru
My siblings are now also getting older and ASKING me questions all the time or were....they are starting to remember......
Dont get me wrong though I did have a wonderful and loving Mother and Step dad who I call Dad and is my dad in all senses of the word ......
We had a very dysfunctional family ..........

I do hope you talk to it therapist / councillor about this.......it should realy help in the long run......we all I think "stay inside" ourselves when we are afraid of what the outcome may be ......I know sometimes I do
I REALLY wish you all the best ............Please let us know how you are doing
God Bless
LYN
Posted 3/26/2008 12:21 AM (GMT 0)
Went to my counselor again today. I did end up telling her what happened with my mom. She told me that she was sorry and that my mom is not ready to accept this issue at this point in time. She also said it is a good idea that I not share it with her either because I am not ready to deal with what she has to say at this point in time, but in the future when the time is right we will work on these things.

Had some strange dreams lately and had written them down since she said I may be having them now that we are talking about it. Anyways, the interpretations she gave of my dreams were quite interesting since I had no idea how to interpret them. I thought they were completely stupid and made no sense to me. Ihad no idea where they came from. Usually when I remember a dream its things put together that I was thinking about during the day etc...these came from nowhere.

Her interpretations made total sense. Its all so interesting. She said its really my subconscious wanting to let things out by I am still trying to control it by holding it in. That was according the people in my dreams and what happened with them.

Left again with a major headache though, its the whole trying to deal with the emotions that is killing me at this point.

All in all, it was a pretty good session. Shes trying to get me some info on a local support group for survivors , as of now I am still a little hesitant of that, which she knows, so she is not pushing it.

Thanks you all again for taking the time to support me, God knows I need it right now. Shes tells me its going to get a little worse before it gets better. I am so gald she takes the time to forwarn me of things.

Pressing
Posted 3/26/2008 2:38 AM (GMT 0)

Pressing...I am so proud of you! That's amazing...you told your counsellor and you are being so incredibly strong.  I know you are going to get through this.

Support groups can be a great resource, but a little intimidating to think about..take your time but please don't rule it out.  It's so nice to be with people you UNDERSTAND, who empathise, not just sympathise (eeerg spelling sic!)

Keep going brave woman xxx

Posted 3/26/2008 2:49 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Meg,

I may advetually give into the group suggestion, but I think I have to get a little better at letting things out first. Or I'd be sitting there without saying a word:)

My counselor is working hard at trying to get me to relax. Sometimes I feel bad, she always asks me if there is anything she can do do make me feel more comfortable and relaxed, she can tell I get pretty tense during the sessions. She even mentioned that she would bring in some relaxing music next week to play and see if that helps. I am starting to wonder if she is new to this sexual abuse stuff, or just extra sensitive :). I know she has been counseling for 12 years, so I don't think she's new at it.
Thanks again
Pressing
Posted 3/26/2008 6:30 PM (GMT 0)
Way to go Pressing!! I too am sooo proud of you and think you are doing a phenomenal job of meeting these things head on and not skirting around them.  You are strong and brave and should be proud of yourself.  I think you should seriously consider the group thing when you are ready for it.  You may even find it a bit more relaxing than the one-on-one; it's also a great tool to hear others' stories and see how they were able to get through it as well as being around others who know what you have been through.  I think maybe your counselor is just thinking of ways to try to get you to relax a bit more and feel more at ease during your sessions.  Between the two of you, I bet you'll find something soon!  Keep up the great work and remember to come here and post any time you need to about anything.  We are here for you!!!! Take care, Wen
Posted 3/27/2008 6:58 AM (GMT 0)
Keep fighting the good fight sweetie, we are all on your team..that counsellor is treating you with the respect you deserve, move forward when you feel safe and not a moment before! many hugs xxxx
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