Frustration, saddness, mixed emotions...(apologize for the length)

Hi there guys.  I haven't posted on the wonderful anxiety board in a while.  I have been doing better with the help of Klonopin, and Effexor XR.  I am in no way, shape or form agoraphobic anymore.  I come and go as I please, which is a very comforting feeling. My panic attacks are pretty  minimal, though they do still come about once in a while.  I am doing good in controlling them though, as they are no longer controlling my life the way they once were. I have been feeling pretty good for the past few months, so I decided that I am once and for all, ready to go back to work.  I decided to start at part time.  My profession is nursing, but I was a little leery about going into a hospital or nursing home again, for the fear of the panic attack.  I decided to go with home health care on a part time basis.  I figured with home health care, I can kinda come and go more so than if I am stuck in a building.  So, I did end up getting a job.  The orientation will be taking place within the next week, and then off to work I go. Well, I also felt that I wanted to do some volunteer work, because I want to get more experience, and helping people out is something I love to do.  So, I applied to be a hospice volunteer.  I figured hospice is a great place to go because I have experience working with hospice patients from the nursing home, and it would be a very rewarding feeling to work with them.  So, I filled out a very long application for hopice, and sent it in.  It asks all kinds of things about yourself, including if you haven't been working for a lenghty period of time, what is the reason.  I am a very honest person, and have nothing to hide.  In the past year or so, I have had a tough time with anxiety, and panic attacks, and I felt that I didn't have to hide that from anyone, and that they would appriciate my total honesty.  Well, this morning, I got an email, and I don't think it was meant for me.  It was from one hospice director to another saying this... We recieved Tammy's application to be a hospice volunteer today, and before anyone contacts her, I want you to have a look at her application, she seems to be a "red" flag.  Thank you. So, I replied to the woman who did this email, and asked her why this came to me, and why she feels I am a "red" flag. She replied back with... I don't know why this came to you.  I described you as a "red" flag because you have recently experienced death, therefore, hospice may be a bit much for you to deal with right now.  Don't take what I said personally. I replied back with... I can't help but take what you said personally, as what you said is about me.  Also, I haven't experienced death in about 2 years, and death is a part of life.  If I felt I couldn't handle dealing with death, I would not have applied for this position.  I am very interested in volunteering for your company, and I wish I was not looked at as a "red" flag.  I have been in nursing for several years, and have dealt with death on more occasions than one.  I know what I am capable of dealing with.  Thank you for your time. I don't believe that calling me a "red" flag had anything to do with my expiereincing death recently, because as I said before, I haven't experienced the death of someone close to me in around 2 years.  I strongly believe the "red" flag comes from my honesty about my anxiety issues, which I expressed were comepletely under control, and have been for several months.  I expressed that I wouldn't go back into the world until I felt ready, and I am ready. I guess this is more of a vent than anything, and I do apologize for the length.  I guess I am being forced to feel like I should "hide" my "mental" issues, and that I shouldnt' be honest about them, and that isn't fair.  Maybe I am wrong here, but I feel that my anxiety is putting up this flag to this woman, and that shouldn't be the case.  I think everyone deals with all sorts of mental issues, like depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and so forth, and no one should have to hide them, or be judged on them. Does anyone else agree that the "red" flag has to do with my anxiety and panic attacks that I was so honest about ?  Or, am I over reacting here? I don't even feel like I want to volunteer for these people anymore, and that makes me sad, because I was very excited to do it.  I also know that email was not meant to go to me.  I was never meant to see that.  Well, thanks for listening everyone, and I hope you are all doing well!

Tammy
I dont think is about NOT experiencing death ...........alone
It may possibly be a bit of both and mixed together them knowing you have had A/P and will be around ppl that are going to die might be an issue for them
IT should NOT be at all IMHO but in sad reality thats the way it is hun and I totally agree it was great input that Percy gave you as well

I know that as a RN I had a/p all thru my career and it never affected my job or my abilities to be the empathetic and caring Nurse I was........

Like Percy said think hard before you fire this out the door....
She may just be the judgemental one and the only one ......

Kudos for you in going back into Health care
'I did home care for many yrs and found it to be very rewarding ........
You come to know the ppl so very well especially if you are going to go part time and end up having the same clients on a regular basis......

Do not beat self up over this you have come too far to let this LIL woman put you back IMHO

Keep us posted plz

LYN

Anytime
Vent away
WE know what you are feeling

LYN

Dear Tammy,

Hey there, no way do you let this woman's comment make you change your mind about Hospice.  You know my background and I am interested in hospice too.  I worked as ER RN for 26 years and managed that ER for 8 years.  My son was killed in a car accident and after his death I used my strength that I had learned living the experience  to help other parents deal with the parents of a car crash.  I knew exactly where they were coming from.

Who leads the grief groups..........the people who have experienced the loss of a loved one.  Who better to relate to the relatives and patients whose anxiety is high during the last months of life...............a nurse with her own experience and that is you. Most people that volunteer to work with Hospice patients have lived through the loss of a loved one, it is what drives them to the reason to volunteer.

The email should have never come to you and I would just let it go.  This lady owns the problem not you.  You know how far you have come and don't start to self-doubt.

Yes, some people still know nothing about the issues of mental health. We can only hope through advocating and education people will learn to understand the disorder for what it really is.

Look for another Hospice, and when you fill out the application use your nursing background as a reference point.  We are not required by law to share everything on an application.  What exactly her "red flag" was doesn't matter.  You are strong enough to move past it and keep on going.  Kick that ole red flag to the curb and be proud of your new job.

My prayers for your Father and family.  Many hugs for you
Hugs
Kitt