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Posted 6/13/2008 3:04 PM (GMT 0)
 Well today I am okay I guess. (this is kindof  a vent)  My son is doing better.  No more high fevers.  I just feel like crap today.  I am really tired and I can't seem to get motivated to do anything.  I've got fathers day presents to make and I am fresh out of ideas.  And im always the one that does everything last minute.  Anyway, I'm so tired of being tired.  Anyone else had depression as a side effect of Paxil?  I wasn't depressed before just anxious.  I don't know maybe it's just me.  I am in a confused mood so maybe that's why I'm jumping from topic to topic.  Sorry if yall dont follow me.  Hopefully after my coffee kicks in I'll feel better.  I don't know what in the world is wrong with me.  There is nothing to be stressed about, yet I feel like something is fixin to happen.  And I just want to lay in bed all day but then I want to get far away from my house.  AHHH.  I am so crazy today.  My den is a mess from all the art I've been doing in here.  Maybe if I clean it up I won't feel so crazy.  I guess I just need some encouraging words today.  Sorry for the major confusion I'm sure you're all feeling now after reading this.
Posted 6/13/2008 4:05 PM (GMT 0)

You have given me such wonderful things to think about so I'm happy to try and offer some encouraging words to you today.

How much Paxil are you on?  I don't remember if you said before?  You know my situation right now so you know I am kinda depressed.  I was just bumped up to 50mg yesterday.  Not sure when it will kick in but sooner rather than later would be good.  Is Paxil all you're taking?

What's happened in the past few days that's different?  Maybe your son being sick has finally taken it's toll on you.  Or....maybe you felt "needed" to take care of your son when he was sick and now that he's better, you don't feel "needed" anymore?  Just a thought.  I know you were probably occupied taking care of him and now that he's better, you need something else to occupy your mind. 

And what are you doing drinking coffee?  haha....I was told to get rid of the caffeine first thing!  My downfall is caffeinated sodas so I'm having a hard time getting off the caffeine but I am trying.

Do you work at home?  Have you thought about volunteering somewhere to give yourself something to do during the day?  Do you like animals?  Volunteering at the SPCA or the Zoo?

I feel for you, girl!  I have those days, too.  Lately, most of the time.  Maybe together, we can figure each other's issues out and get back on track.

Posted 6/13/2008 4:20 PM (GMT 0)
harlan HAS really given you a whole ton of great ...no .fantastic input and support here and alot of it I think I would have been asking as would others

GREAT job harlan...........

There has got to be some trigger and I think once ya find that ...work at it

You will find your way outta this
Until then

KNOW always you are never alone anymore

You have your HW family and great friends supporting you like harlan and the a.p gang

LYN
Posted 6/13/2008 8:57 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, ThirstyforChrist!

I'm sorry you've had such a low day. Glad your little boy is feeling so much better, though!

I take Paxil and have never been depressed as a side effect. In fact, that's what I take it for, although I've learned that it does help with my anxiety too. One effect that does come with the medication for me is a "levelling out" of mood, which is usually good - no extreme hopeless depression nor frantic anxiety to stop feeling so depressed.

Recently, though, I'm having to cut my dosage down one notch because I am now *too* mellow to get things accomplished. I find myself saying, "Oh, well, I'll do that later" to just about everything, including major deadlines at work and housecleaning (haven't down laundry in over a month - don't ask what I find to wear). It doesn't make me feel low or sad, though, just completely unconcerned about whether things get done. And it's not like me at all not to take pride in my work, at home or the office.

If that's how you're feeling too, you should mention it to your doctor and get his/her advice.

Hugs and prayers,
percycat
Posted 6/14/2008 2:52 AM (GMT 0)
Hey ya'll. I tried to reply 2 times earlier and my computer went crazy. I think it's the weather. ANyway thanks for the support and advice. And harlan, I'm on 40mgs of Paxil a day now. My MD said that if it didn't help at this level we would talk about switching to something else. But I think I've been feeling so low because my hubby has been working alot lately and he's too tired to really spend time with me. Plus he's quiting dipping so that is hard for him. But I just feel awful. My whole body is going haywire. I'm getting awful headaches and my neck and back hurt constantly. Plus a whole mess load of other symptoms. I don't know if it's all from anxiety or what. I think maybe my eating problem has caught up with me. I've struggled with anorexia for 8 years. I've never been very under weight but I know I'm not eating right. Maybe thats it??

Mods, I was wondering, why don't ya'll have a thread for eating disorders? Thats something that alot of people struggle with.

Anyway, thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. I love this family already!!!!
Posted 6/15/2008 1:39 AM (GMT 0)
Hi, TFChrist!

I hope today's going better for you. A friend of mine specializes in eating disorders, and I think she's said that they can affect your emotional and physical energy pretty unpredictably. I'll ask her next time I see her what some of the common physical symptoms are and report back.

Love and prayers,
percycat
Posted 6/15/2008 5:46 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks so much. I have been so drained today I couldn't even get on here to talk. Not doing so good I guess. I don't really feel like faking happy tomorrow for fathers day. I have four dads to entertain. Mine, my stepdad, my father-in-law, and my husband. Whoo hoo. Sorry, I'm just really down today and I'm hurting all over. I think I'm gonna make me a drs app on monday. somethings got to give.. Love ya
Posted 6/15/2008 6:38 PM (GMT 0)
I hope you're hanging in there today for Father's Day. I also pray that your doctor can help you can back to feeling like yourself again.

Love and prayers,
percycat
Posted 6/15/2008 8:38 PM (GMT 0)

To:             YOU
Date:            TODAY
From:           GOD
Subject:       YOURSELF
Reference:   LIFE
This is God.  Today I will be handling All of your problems for you.  I do Not need your help.  So, have a nice day.
I love you.

Post Edited (stkitt) : 6/16/2008 6:42:02 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 6/15/2008 8:44 PM (GMT 0)

Hi thirsty,

This is Kitt.  I believe we  use up a large amount of bandwidth and I know we have had requests to add new forums but the Administrator has just no at this time. He is a great person but I know financial wise we have to be careful of our use of resources too.

I know eating disorders is a very prominent topic.

I wish we could accomodate all requests................sorry.

Hugs to you
Kitt

Posted 6/16/2008 3:21 PM (GMT 0)

How are you doing today TFC?  Just thinking about you....


 

Posted 6/16/2008 5:33 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Kitt, Thanks for that!! I loved it!

Haraln,
Today, I'm okay right now. It's moment by moment for me though. I have to clean this disaster of a house though. Somehow it exploded this weekend and there is sticky and clutter everywhere!!! AHHH! I have got to make a drs app though because I have been feeling so bad lately. I have had 0 energy and my whole right side of my body hurts and feels weak. I don't know whats up with that. My husband finally took a day off yesterday but we spent it going from church to his dad's and 2 of his grandparents, then back to church, and then to my daddys. He at least got to take a nap. He needed that bad. He still seems very distant. I'm hoping we will get some time together alone this week.
Anyway, my momma and I have a kindof toxic relationship. She lives on my street and she is constantly in my business. (my mistake for moving us here last year. I depended on her for the first 2 years of my marriage.) Anyway she called me Saturday and I had dropped my son off at my in-laws so I could work on Fathers Day presents. She asked me where he was and when I told her she said " My gosh! Can you pawn that boy off anymore?" I don't leave him very often and she makes me feel extremely guilty when I do. But she left me and my sister at her parents all the time. And she was always going to here friends houses. Every weekend, without me and my sister. We stayed home with Daddy. So anyway I think she's trying to re live her motherhood through me. I think she may regret leaving me and my sister so much, but she won't come out and say that, because she can never be wrong. So I am a kind of depressed about that. I am so tired of her criticism. It's not constructive, its just plain mean and manipulative. I am extremely sensitive and emotional so even constructive critisim hurts me deeply. My fault. ANyway I've got to go clean. My son is dying to help me clean the toilet!!! More later. THanks for listening and caring. LOVE!!!
Posted 6/16/2008 5:53 PM (GMT 0)

TFC - that's nice that you got to have some hubby time yesterday.  Did the daddys in your life have a good father's day?  Even though you were busy doing things, at least you were with him.

I know what you mean about toxic momma relationships.  I can't remember what I've posted about my mother....hmmm....maybe I posted this.  Who knows?  She and I don't have a good relationship.  She is a very vindictive person.  I love sweets and every time she would make sweets at home when I was young, I would eat them up.  She decided to teach me a lesson so she put x-lax in a batch.  I was maybe 14 at the time.  Another time I remember her tainting my food was when she made some homemade egg rolls.  I loved her egg rolls but I did something to make her mad so she put mushrooms in them, which I don't like.  She married my daddy at 16 so I think she missed out on a lot of things that I experience.  I always thought she was jealous of me.  I'm an only child, too.

I called my daddy yesterday and talked to him.  I also probed him about my mom when I was a baby.  He said she was a worrier and hardly ever let me get out of her sight.  She had me at 19 and according to my dad, she had been on Valium for a long time.  I was floored that she was on Valium as a youngster.  I also asked if she took it while pregnant with me but he didn't know for sure.

My mom is good about giving guilt trips.  Every Christmas, we were expected to come visit (it's about a 4 hour drive so not far).  The problem was that within a day of being there with my mom, we were already arguing about something.  Or she would cut me down in front of her boyfriend at the time.  She still brings up stuff that happened when I was in high school.  I've asked her to stop bringing that stuff up but then she'll bring up something else I did.  It's never the good stuff I did - always the bad stuff.  In reality, it wasn't even bad by today's standards.  Stuff like breaking curfew, sneaking out....

So....I got some advice one year that I used.  That advice was that if it stresses me out to visit my mom, don't go.  Make her come to me.  That's exactly what I did and we still end up doing that every now and then.  My stress level is much better when I don't have to drive up there.

What's your husband say about your mom and the relationship you have?  My husband tells me to not let it get to me but that's easier said than done.  Have you ever told your mom how you feel about how she treats you?  I tried that before and it didn't go over well with her.  She'll bring up something about the way I treated her.  One time she even said I wasn't a good daughter because I left home at 19 to join the Air Force. 

What are we going to do with our moms?

 

 

Posted 6/16/2008 6:31 PM (GMT 0)
Taking a break from cleaning.
Harlan,
OMG. that sound familiar. I can't believe your mom did that to your food though. Thats awful. Anyway, my momma and my husband don't get along very well. They've been doing better for my sake though. I have never told her how I felt because, like I said, she's always right. In her mind. And my sister always was, and always will be her favorite. Which is okay because now I have my own family and that doesn't bother me as much. I don't know what it is about my momma. I mean, I love her and usually we have a good relaitionship, but she is very critical of me. I'm a little OCD about my house because of her. I know if she ever comes over and there's any mess at all she'll degrade me. She'll tell me how bad of a mother I am because there's a mess. So now, there's never a mess. I clean almost constantly. Even if there's nothing to clean. Her criticising voice is always in my head. I think alot of my anxiety comes from her. My husband and I have talked about moving out of state to get away from her but then we would be leaving the rest of our wonderful family too. All of our parents and grandparents live in the same county. I don't want to deprive my son of knowing them just because of my mother. But honestly, I think we would be alot better off if we moved away. So I have no idea what to do except try and avoid her. Which is awful because I love her very much. She's not all bad. THere's many good things about her too, it's just that the bad always seems to over shadow everything else. Thanks for sharing your story. It helps to know I am not the only one. Love ya!!!
Posted 6/16/2008 6:42 PM (GMT 0)

I know what you mean about the cleaning for her when she comes over.  Mine would come over and make comments like "looks like you need to dust".  She would look at my ceiling fan or see dust on something.  Degrading....yes I know how you feel! 

I finally quit cleaning so much for her though.  I get sick of how she treats me but I wasn't going to clean "extra" just because she was coming.  She still says things but I ignore her and move on to the next topic.

Don't feel bad about avoiding her....I do the same thing and I love my mom.  It's tough when the whole family is there....have you thought about moving to a close town?  That way, you're still close to the rest of the family but not so close to your mom?  Or even moving an hour away might help.  Since you live so close to your mom, is she always over there?  If so, if you lived further away, maybe she'll appreciate you more. 

Posted 6/16/2008 7:27 PM (GMT 0)
She never really comes over here. I usually have to go to her house. Which makes it really hard to get things done around here. I am staying home alot now though. It completly exhausts me to go anywhere. I don't know what's up there. But we are trying to sale our house and move to a different city. We really like this town, it's very small and the school is great for our son. But it's only like 10 minutes away so? But the problem is my grandma and daddy live there. so I might be moving into a different place and find myself with the same problem. I want some stinkin privacy!!!! My husband would move anywhere. I'm thinkin about lookin for something a little farther away. Maybe he could get a better job too. His now totally wares him out. He hasn't had any college so all he can really do is work in factories until I can get a job too. Which I may never do. If I had it my way I would just pop out a few more kids and be momma forever. I will anyway but my boy is growing too fast. I'm not really ready to have another kid now though. Anyway you've given me something to think about. I'm going to start researching jobs in other cities for my husband. I really need a change. We need to have a life, just us. Not us and the rest of my family. Very aggrivating. I feel really obligated to go see my granny and momma every day. I love them but them being my next door neighbors is just not working anymore. I've grown up since we moved here and now I'm ready to move on. Far away!!! Love ya!
Posted 6/16/2008 9:40 PM (GMT 0)

Have you thought about having her come over instead of you going there all the time?  Maybe she can occupy your son while you do things around the house.

Does your husband want to go to college?  Seems that nowadays, if you have a lot of experience, college isn't always required.  But if he wants to do something different besides factory work, maybe he can go part time while working.  Or if you're going to look at jobs for him, maybe you guys could live in a small town close to a big city and he could work in the big city making more money, likely.  Come on down to Houston!  Honestly....can't remember if you said what state you are living.

I know what you mean about being obligated to visit mom and granny but I'm serious about asking them to come over.  In fact, maybe your mom can go pick your granny up and they both come over to your place.

Posted 6/16/2008 9:48 PM (GMT 0)
Well they live right next door, and I do mean right next door. Small town, small neighborhood. And actually she just called me like an hour ago and asked me to come over. I said no because I was cleanin and my husband was fixin to come home. So I asked her to come here and she said she would think about it but she had things to do. (like I don't) So then about ten minutes after she called my Granny comes over here and asks my son if he wanted to go to her house (and see my mom) and of course he said yes. So they went over there and I finished cleanin. Now I garuntee that momma will say I pawned him off because of this. She aggrivates me soooo much. I'm really getting mad. Anyway so I will write more later. My husband wants to get on the computer now. Love ya
Posted 6/17/2008 2:44 PM (GMT 0)

Yes, my dear....time to break away from being next door.  Even a closeby town would be better than right next door!  I hope everything works out.  I guess sometimes, next door is convenient but I'm guessing moreso of a problem than convenience at this point.

Posted 6/17/2008 2:48 PM (GMT 0)
Yes definately time to go. At first she was the only person I could turn to. (or so i thought) But now I realize that she will never understand this, or what she does to contribute to the anxiety and depression. I need to get away in a bad way. I just want to thank you harlan for being such a good and understanding friend. Your so sweet and supportive. Thanks for all you do!!! Love ya bunches!!!
Posted 6/17/2008 2:54 PM (GMT 0)

Awww....you're sweet!  I just feel for you because we seem to have similar mom issues.  Seems that we relate well! 

Plus, thinking about someone else's problems takes my mind off of my own, if only for a minute.  Love ya' bunches, too!

Posted 6/18/2008 1:11 AM (GMT 0)
I've lived both close to and quite far from my parents: 500 miles away at one point and now 50. My two sisters live 100 yards and 15 miles away. All the rest of my family is really close, probably too close for their own good sometimes. I find the 50 mile distance to be perfect: close enough to join in important activities, but not so that we're all gossipping and pestering each other all the time.

Good luck contemplating a change, ThirstyForChrist!

Love,
percycat
Posted 6/18/2008 1:38 AM (GMT 0)
OKay I am so tired of all this crap. My husband hates me ( he just told me so) he thinks I'm lazy and stupid and a (wech). He told me so and cussed and yelled at me. I'm tired of all this criticisim when I'm giving my all to everyone. I can't do much of anything else to change. thats all anyone wants me to do is change. I cant okay? Im me no matter what. Why cant people love me for me? I seriously want to just pack up and leave right now. Go far away. I want to take my son with me. I want to get away from everyone and everything exept him. I just cant take this anymore. My husband and mother have hurt my feelings so much. Too much. I cant live like this anymore. I want to start a new life. I want to find someone who will love me and respect me regardless of my flaws. You know what I know I don't even deserve it. I just want to give up on this life. It is hell. I hate myself and I cant change anymore. I have tried and tried and I'm so changed that I don't even know me anymore. I never have known me. I am having severe anxiety mixed with depression right now. I feel like I'm going to explode if something doesn't give. I cant do this. I cant. nothing will ever be okay. not for me. My son doesn't need a terrible person like me for a mother. I am nothing. I will never amount to anything. I cant do this anymore
Posted 6/18/2008 2:33 AM (GMT 0)
Oh, ThirstyForChrist, what a terrible night you're having. I'm so sorry you're feeling so awful. It's a crying shame your husband let his anger get the best of him. What he said is simply not true.

It's not a crime or a sin to be struggling, depressed, and anxious. It's also not a punishment for something you've ever done. It just happens to some of us, and we do our best to try to overcome it, but we can't always succeed.
That doesn't make us - doesn't make YOU, precious TFC - worthless or undeserving. You're not a terrible person. You're just someone who's really hurting and in need.

Are you able to go somewhere where you can be alone for a bit? Outside on the porch, a walk around the block, another room away from your husband? Try going somewhere private and take slow deep breaths. With each breath, try to just exhale out all this negativity that's been flung at you by others. (Sometimes, I'll take a shower and imagine that the water is rinsing off all the ugliness that someone else's attitude has stirred up for me.) Try not to fret or think about "solving the problem" while you're doing this; that just keeps you riled up. Instead, do your best to let all the bad feelings slide away from you, so that when you are finished, you'll have more positive energy to use in your thinking about solutions.

I wish you peace, sweetie.

percycat
Posted 6/18/2008 2:38 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks percycat. I've calmed down some now. I still have no clue what to do. I cant keep taking all of this verbal abuse. I want a seperation I think. If I had a job I would do it in a heartbeat. I'm so lost right now. I wish he loved me. He knew I was this way when we got married. Now he hates me. He really hates me. He said "f you, i dont even care anymore." He told me that no one ever could love me because I was phyco. And he said that everyone here on this site wouldn't talk to me if they really knew me. He said no one would. And he said that if everyone here could meet me they would hate me too. He said he's not going to tell me I'm beautiful because I'm not. My heart is completely broken.
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