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Stress is really making me sick

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Posted 7/20/2008 8:32 PM (GMT 0)
My oldest daughter  (30years old) is separating from her husband.  That alone is not causing me stress, because I believe for her and her kids this is the right decision.  Her husband is very controlling and what I consider verbally/emotionally abusive. 

I have Crohns disease too and stress is not good at all for me.  Of course, I am sitting here worrying about her and my anxiety is acting up.  I took my nausea meds and some Xanax and feel calmer, but still feel kinda pukey. 

Guys what do I do?  Should I just let her go thru what she needs to go thru?  How can I be there for my daughter, but take care of me too?  I feel she is not ready to listen to my advice right now.  I know how she feels because I went thru a divorce myself.  I know right now she is in the middle of crisis and your mind is racing 800 mph thinking how am I going to provide for my kids and myself etc.  I have given her advice and provided her with some crisis help places in here area.

But on the same hand I have a very serious health condition that flares alot when I have too much stress.  My hubby says that I have to take care of me and my marriage first and foremost.  And I know he's right, but how do you not worry for your children?  She is an adult, I know logically she has to figure life out for herself.  So confused, so sick, just need some thoughts from you guys in what I should do.  All suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Thank you for your time and help.

Gail *Nanners*

Posted 7/20/2008 10:52 PM (GMT 0)

Nanners,

I am so sorry your daughter is going through this but if her husband is abusive then she may be making the best choice for her.  You must take care of you first.  Let her know you are there for her and you do support her so she will come and talk to you as we all need someone to talk to and who better then a Mom.

Remember we do not know what goes on behind closed doors so she may not be telling all simply to protect you or because she feels ashamed for having been a victim.

When I got divorced many years ago it was taboo and my step Mother told me I could not until my youngest was 18 years old..........he was only 18 months old.  It was my Father that finally stood beside me and said enough is enough. I was his only child and my ex was very abusive verbally and threatening but he knew better then to touch me..............He was just into wrecking things and acting out.  Then he made the mistake of calling me a ***** to my Father............it was over, finally.  My Dad was a Saint but no one would say that to his face about me and then beg me to stay with him so my Dad said let her go and leave her alone.

Long answer short...........let your daughter do what she needs to do and just be there and stay healthy.  I know it breaks you heart to see your child in pain.

Many gentle hugs

Kitt

Posted 7/20/2008 11:35 PM (GMT 0)

Nanners,

I'm so sorry you are going through this difficult situation. I guess I have always held the belief that in order to be a good parent we need to take care of ourselves first. But the natural instinct is to care for your child. I think you need to let her get through this, but let her know she is Never alone. That you love and support her. I'm sure she knows this, but if she knows she can talk things through with you then it will help her immensely.

It really sounds to me that you are doing all that you can and being a great mother. Just try and take a step back when you need. Make sure your health comes first, you can get through this, I believe that.  My own mum has had to pull me through some pretty sticky situations, and her health suffered but she would tell me "time out" and I would give her space to recover. I wish you and your daughter and grandchildren all the best. It's hard, but it's worth it.

Meg

Posted 7/21/2008 5:33 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Kitt and Meg for your kind thoughts. I know I have to step back and let her go thru what she has to, but you are so right when you say as a Mom that is hard to do. I missed work to day becuz I still feel so yucky, but hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Thanks again for your opinions.
Posted 7/22/2008 2:49 AM (GMT 0)

Nanners,

I hope today is better for you. I have toes and fingers all a'crossed! Take care of you now.

Meg

Posted 7/22/2008 12:19 PM (GMT 0)

Good Morning Nanners,

How are you today.  Are you working on staying in the moment and taking care of you first.  You are a very special person and we need you here with us so hope the sun is shining down on you and blessing you with good feelings this morning.

Gentle Hugs to you sweetie.
Kitt

Posted 7/22/2008 12:32 PM (GMT 0)
Nanners my friend I am so sorry for all that is taking place
I find I have to be a mom first too and yes it does make the DD worse all of them
I know you have been a great mother and your daughter will remember the things you have taught her
it might take some time on her part but she will

It will all work out in the end she does grow with every thing she has to go thru in life but this is not something she deserves nor needs
I hope she gets out asap and finds a happier and more stable place for her and you can relax
YOu are always in my thoughts and prayers

Luvs God Bless
LYN
Posted 7/22/2008 1:14 PM (GMT 0)
I just had a converstaion with my Mom who is 73 and I'm 42. She worries about me all the time as well.
In the last 8 yrs I've gone though hell with a seperation as well, living alone, getting lupus/lyme, another bad relationship, me falling apart. And now me really struggling with my lyme and anxiety and being on disability from work

My poor Mom sits up all night worried about me and my sisters. My Mom has a bad case of fibro and the stress makes her sick as well.
What's a mother to do?
Well I explained to my Mom, that her being stressed out and sick over me being in peril makes me feel terrible and that instead of her using her energy to worry, she should use her energy to better her life and just think good thoughts for me.
Her worry and negative energy actually makes it worse.
One places their worries on others normally to avoid their own issues. Not in any way saying you're doing this, but my Mom does.

My Mom has now put all her faith in knowing things will work out for the good and is no longer stressed about my sisters and me.
My Niece (my mom's granddaughter) also has a fatal illness and is in a wheelchair. My niece is 15 and will not live to see 20.
My Mom has had to learn how to block that reality out of her life. Actually, we've all blocked it out. Instead we all focus on the good and that energy helps my niece in more ways than being worried about her

You put good energy out there and healing happens. You worry and feel ill, you fester the heartache even longer

Moral of my story, you need to express your concerns and then put faith into the Universe or God or whatever your belief in that it will all work out.
Worrying has never solved one problem on this planet. It's wasted energy

Wishing you all the best

Jen
Posted 7/22/2008 1:47 PM (GMT 0)
Nanners,

I'm sorry you're feeling so sick about all this. I think for us folks with anxiety, it's hard to separate natural worry from obsessing. I hope you can keep the obsessing part out of your life by staying in the moment.

You seem to have done everything I'd want from my mom if I were your daughter: you've told her you're open to talking, you clearly know what she's going through, and you're letting her call the shots. After all, this is her situation to get through, and she may choose to do certain things differently from how you did. Try to remind yourself that she is well equipped to get through this: you did. And keep yourself healthy, so that when she does need to lean on you - child care, help in the house, whatever - you'll be physically prepared to do it. Try to think of caring for yourself as also keeping yourself ready to go out and help her when she needs it, like with firefighters who train regularly so that they're always poised to rescue those in need.

percycat
Posted 7/22/2008 3:17 PM (GMT 0)
Well today is a much better day. I still feel sick, but I think something with my Crohns is trying to act up. My husband turned my phone off yesterday, because he said (just like the rest of you) she is an adult and has to work thru this herself. We have told her we are here for her and love her, and thats all we can do now.

Side note, my spoiled brat youngest daughter tried yesterday to make this all about her. My husband had told our oldest that she really should listen to the advice from someone who has been thru the same situation (me or a friend of hers) and not little sister who has never been married or ever had kids. She took that as an attack on her. Geesh get over yourself.

Anyways, thanks for all your thoughts. I do feel better about the situation now. Can't say I will ever stop worrying, but I know she is in God's hands now, as thats where I have put this situation.

Gail *Nanners*
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