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My sister got sick and now I'm freakin out!!!

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Posted 8/3/2008 5:43 AM (GMT 0)
Okay,

   So my sister got a stomach virus and my biggest fear is of getting sick.  It wouldn't matter that much except my son went to my momma's today and she lives there.  So now I'm all worried that we'll all get sick.  I am like totally unable to have fun because I'm so worried about it.  I was trying to live in the moment all today and I still couldn't have any fun at all.  I cant sleep and I can barely eat.  I dont know what to do.  I cant put this fear aside.  I cant control my own thoughts!  I cant do this anymore.  I dont know why i cant handle viruses.  They are what I fear most.  And all day today I've been doing the rituals and stuff so I wont get sick but it's not helping.  Just thinking about it makes me feel sick and I just dont know what to do. Nobody else freaks out like this.  Not about a stupid stomach bug.  It really really scares me.  I dont think we will die from it, I just cannot cannot cannot handle it.  I cant.  I think I will go over the edge that I've been standing on for a long time if my son or any of us gets sick.  I am not over exagerating.  I will go completely insane.  I'm afraid of what will happen to me.  I really dont think I would make it through.  I think I would go off the deep end and have to be put in a mental institution.  And my husband doesn't get any of this at all.  He doesn't worry about getting sick.  He thinks im being dramatic and that I should just stop thinking about it but I cant.  I cant I cant.  I never stop thinking about it even when nobody I have been around is sick.  I cant make myself stop.  Taking deep breaths doesn't help.  There is no possible way I can stay in the moment because I'm constantly checking everyones faces and body language for signs of sickness.  I cant control this and I cant stand to live like this anymore.  This thing has got to stop.  I have done everything I know to do to get rid of this beast that haunts my life and it will not go away.  I am afraid that I am defeated.  I cannot live like this anymore.  THere is no medicine, no person, no nothing that can make this feeling go away.  It is sheer terror.  My whole body turns cold and stays that way.  And then I go absolutely stiff.  I cant move.  Terror.  Thats the only way I can put it.  And I dont understand why I am so scared of this.  Sickness, this type of sickness anyway, is not that bad and passes quickly.  I know that no one will die, I know that somebody will be there to lend a hand if I need it.  BUt still, nothing comforts me.  I am so close to just checking myself into a hospital.  I dont know what to do.  It's not just stinkin thinkin.  It's a monster that has ruled my life for years and years.  I am trapped.  I cannot escape from the fear.  I feel totally helpless, and totally unreachable.  Unless I could find a way to live in a bubble with my husband and son, I think I will die soon.  I know this sounds really stupid but I am so scared right now.  I am at my very wits end.  I cannot explain how desperate I am right now.  God help me please, nothing else can.

Posted 8/3/2008 1:38 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry about all this. I just cant stop dwelling on it.
Posted 8/3/2008 2:18 PM (GMT 0)
Dont be sorry
I live with basically no immune system so I do catch all that comes my way believe me
Death and sickness is a phobia and they CAN be treated you need to find someone or something to get you out of this
YOU have lived this fear for too long and literally it will make you ill by not eating nor drinking
So please think about that too
NOT trying to scare you but the truth is we all need nourishment to live and function or our minds will not function properly

Know we are here for you ....LYN
Posted 8/3/2008 2:36 PM (GMT 0)
It sounds to me like you've made yourself sick with worry over something that may never happen.
So in essence you did get sick, it just wasn't from the stomach bug, but with worry.
Worry keeps the immune system depressed and open to "bugs".
A good way to avoid stomach bugs is to keep the gut strong and you can do that with a good probiotic.

A stomach bug is so much better than the sickness of worry............you need to look at it that way

How much energy have you used thus far over worrying about a bug?
Posted 8/3/2008 2:38 PM (GMT 0)
by the way, I used to lose sleep over worrying about stomach issues b/c I was sick 3 times with horrible food poisoning and the last time, I had to be hospitalized. It was dreadful, then the fear was born. I worried day and night if I was going to get stomach sick.

So I get stomach sick, worst thing is I throw up and have diarrhea. That is SO MUCH easier to deal with than the anxiety and worry of getting it
Posted 8/3/2008 2:59 PM (GMT 0)
Great input Peacesoul
I totally agree we lose so much energy on worrying about being sick
We DO become sick

I take probiotics myself .......

........You need a NN still ya know lol

LYN
Posted 8/3/2008 7:07 PM (GMT 0)
Tony, there is no guarantee that you will be immune to any illness, but probiotics will keep the intestine strong guarded if a bug does hit.
1 billion units 3 x a dayis a good maintainance dose.

Only taking 1 billion units a day is really not enough. But one can take up to 40 billion a day when sick or when on antibiotics. Also, there is no need to take probiotics daily if healthy. I would take them one week on and 3 weeks off when healthy.

Are you taking probiotics that need to be kept cold or are you taking dry/room temp probiotics?
Posted 8/3/2008 10:29 PM (GMT 0)
Dry/room temp probiotics are not effective. They are dead bacteria.

The cold live bacteria are the only ones that are effective
Posted 8/4/2008 3:32 AM (GMT 0)
Oh my gosh I am now mad and worried at the same time.  Plus my house is an absolute disaster.  There is just way way way too much going on with me right now.  And absolutely nobody understands the gravity of all this.  I dont think I am going to make it through this time.  I think this may be my end.  I think it is all killing me slowly and painfully and miserably.  I cant do anything about it.  I am stuck because nothing helps.  THe counseling, the meds, God, church, my husband, my family and friends.  Nothing.  Not reading or writing or talking.  Nothing.  IT is still holding me in it's grips.  I am dying

Posted 8/4/2008 2:04 PM (GMT 0)
Still feeling exauhsted and hopeless this morning. I dont know what to do to get out of this. I am just so lost.
Posted 8/4/2008 2:19 PM (GMT 0)
what's making you mad and overwhelmed right now?
Posted 8/4/2008 2:42 PM (GMT 0)
You sound like my therapist. hehe. Well, I could go on and on so I'll make this a short story. I had a yardsale this weekend and it is still sitting outside looking all redneck. And my house is a complete disaster inside because of the yardsale. And kaos in my house makes chaos in my brain. Plus I have to clean someone elses house this week and I'm getting paid really good money for it so I cant just say no. Plus I really like these people. Anyway, I also have to work at Piggly Wiggly some this week too. And my sister had a stomach bug and my biggest fear is of stomach bugs. And this whole eating disorder thing is really getting to me now. Plus my momma went off on me friday night and we had a fight. We made up but I am still very hurt by what she said. She made me feel like an awful momma. She said she should call social services on me because I didn't feed my son and didn't bathe him. Which is a flat out lie. He is a happy, clean, and energetic two year old. He is fine. I feel like I am a good momma but she has really made me second guess myself. Plus she told me that my Daddy didn't love me and that he never gave a crap about me, he just let me get married so he wouldn't have to pay child support. That isn't true because he paid it to me until I turned 18. So that and all this other stuff. Plus me and my husband are still working things out and right now have hit a rough patch. We will be okay but I dont think I will. I really cant handle all of this and the only way I can get through it is to not eat. I can starve myself and that will make everything else okay. Cause at least no matter what I'll be skinny. I know that is really stupid. So that's it in a nutshell. SHould I just go ahead and commit myself or what? I am just falling over the edge I've been dangling on for years.
Posted 8/4/2008 3:33 PM (GMT 0)
Sweetie, listen to me, I know anorexia is a whole issue in itself that I have no experience with, but you need to eat to feed the brain. Without nutrience, you, of course are going to not be able to reason. How can a car run w/out fuel right?

You need to address one issue at a time. Make your relationship with your husband, the LAST thing on the list. You are way more important that any marriage.
As for your Mom, well let her sit in her anger and don't let it feed you. Imagine you're transparent and let it go right through you. I know it's tough b/c I'm always taking slack from my family.

Much of your pain is self inflicted, as with most of us anxiety sufferers, so you need to ask yourself how much more pain you need to make a shift.

And yes, you need to commit yourself, commit yourself to taking care of yourself.
Posted 8/4/2008 6:40 PM (GMT 0)
I dont know what to do. I am so depressed and scared. I cant find an escape. I am terrified of everything right now. I dont know what to do except to just try and press through this. I dont know how much longer I'll last though.
Posted 8/4/2008 7:23 PM (GMT 0)
What have you eaten today love?
Posted 8/4/2008 8:40 PM (GMT 0)
I've had four cups of coffee and a protien bar. And some grapes.
Posted 8/5/2008 1:02 AM (GMT 0)
Well I can tell you for sure drinking that much caffeine is contributing to your problems.
and protien bars are all sugar.

Sweetie, if you really want to get better, you need to eat well
Posted 8/5/2008 2:04 AM (GMT 0)

Peacesoul is right sweetie, that caffiene will be making things worse and protein bars are not meals. I just want to give you a huge, big hug, I know what you are going through, but anorexia is a huge, huge battle. You need to focus on one thing at a time. Try some soup, it really helped me when I was in that dark place when food was so, so scary. It can be low cal, and nutritious and doesn't give you that scary "full tummy" feel.

I sorry about the fight with your momma, that can't be helping you. Sweetie, just focus on getting through today, eating a little, doing what needs to be done right now. Let tommorow take care of itself. You know you have support here and at home. If you need to fall, your family will catch you. If you don't eat..you will get sick. Bigtime. Gentle steps, small sips. Huge hugs

Bless, hang in,

Meg

Posted 8/5/2008 4:10 AM (GMT 0)
I am so depressed and I am sorry I haven't been posting much. I have been on the depression forum. I ended up eating supper and some oatmeal. I still dont feel any better. I always feel worse when I eat. i am just so far gone. it's all this stuff combined. my mind cant do one thing at a time and it also cant do all of this. i dont know what to do. i dont know where to turn. i feel like im gonna die any second now and go straight to hell. i dont want to live like this anymore. i am so numb. i want to cry so bad but the tears wont come. when momma told me all of that stuff i cried so much my eyes were puffy the next morning. but i havent cried in weeks until that and i haven't shed a tear since. i am just so numb but i hurt. inside and out i hurt. it hurts so bad and nobody can take it away. nobody can make it leave. i am so sorry yall. im sorry that im so weak and stupid. im sorry that i haven't been there for yall lately. i feel awful about it and all the stuff i haven't done around my house. i am so exauhsted. i am so lost.
Posted 8/5/2008 4:26 AM (GMT 0)

Rachel,

Hey there, I have been answering your posts on the depression forum.

Remember the big red stop sign to picture in your mind when you start to stray into the "stinkin thinkin"  Well get it out and picture it.............you are not going to die.  You are way to wise to just give up.  I know you have been through a lot and perhaps it is time to start letting the feelings in and then right back out again.

Stay in the moment.  Challenge your negative thinking with positive statements and realistic thinking. When encountering thoughts that make you feel fearful or depressed, challenge those thoughts by asking yourself questions that will maintain objectivity and common sense.

Believe, Rachel..................just Believe.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt

Posted 8/5/2008 12:25 PM (GMT 0)
Rachel, you remind me a lot of my nephew. He gets confused and frustated at things in his life. He sufferes from ADD and just cannot focus.
He always thinks he's dumb. He's not, nor are you. What you are in unbalanced.
Being unbalanced does not equate to being dumb.

I too am suffering horrible depression. I know how much is hurts and how demeaning it can make one feel. We are not our feelings or our actions, we are deeper. We're a person deep inside all the hurt/pain, anxiety and confusion.
You owe it to youself to sit quiet and get in touch with that inner peace. Block out the world for 5 mins a day

And I will say this again, hun, you truly need to feed your brain. When my ex of 11 yrs left me for another women, I was almost a complete housebound person from anxiety. I depended on him for everything. Well then bang, he left, I was a mess. I had to get a job, live alone etc, and what I also did was starve myself b/c I could just not eat.
My day's diet was cereral with soy milk, a wrap with tomatoes and a bagel. That was it. I lost a lot of weight and I still worked out at the gym 4 days a week. In essence I was starving my body. Here's what happened, I became confused, weak, depressed, made silly choices in life, drank, slept with men, etc.
It took me 2 yrs to wake up and realize I was abusing my body.
As soon as I started eating again, and eating well, I bloomed like a flower. If you don't water or feed the garden, you'll never get fruit.

Make this your only mission, do not focus on your hubby, your job, stomach bugs, your Mother.....JUST YOU. You are THE most important person

Sending you a healing vibe today. Please eat

hugs
Posted 8/5/2008 2:22 PM (GMT 0)
Hey everyone. Thanks for the advice and support. I just feel so so so bad. I cant stop feeling guilty about feeling bad either. My whole body hurts and I am so tired. I cant get anything done and I dont want to have any fun. I just want to stay home and be in bed or on here. I am so afraid that my husband is going to get mad at me because of all this. He doesn't understand it and if he cant fix it, it drives him crazy and he gets mad. I cant just focus on me. I have a two year old son. He is beautiful and energetic and wonderful. He deserves so much better than me. I have got to be the worst mother in the history of mothers. I dont want him to suffer from my problems. I just cannot get this stuff under control. The medicine and therapy are not helping as much as they should be. Or at all anymore. I am so desperate I feel like crying. But I cant. I am so numb that I cant feel anything but pain. That scares me alot. i used to be a cutter and i do not want to go down that road again. I will not. But all these feelings just remind me of that. I feel like I'm moving in slow motion and the rest of the world is passing me by. And I am crying out but no one hears me. My voice is being carried away with the wind. I am so lonely here. I am so cold and alone. Plus my husband gave me a list of errands I need to run today. But I dont know if I can even get out of the house. I dont know if I can make myself put makeup on. It takes everything in me to do such small things. This is not my norm. I'm usually very productive and a good worker. I usually have my house clean, and supper cooked and all that good stuff but I am just not able to do anything. I dont want to do anything. I seem to be lazy but that's not it. I just can't make myself do things. My den is a crazy mess from the yardsale and I cant clean it. I just walk in circles and get nothing done all day long. Then I am exahsted by seven at night. I have got to get better. Everything is so dark and scarey where I am. Everything is black. Everything is fake. Nothing is real or good or peaceful. I am so lost. I need help so bad. I dont know if I will make it till thursday. Thats when I am supposed to go see my therapist. I dont think I will live untill then. I think this dark place will kill me. I need help but I dont know what to do or where to go or who to go to. I am so scared. I hate myself. I just want to be normal again. But then I have never been normal. I have always been screwed up. I'm starting to think that I was born this way and that I'll stay this way. I just need help. So much help. I cant move. I cant do anything but smoke and drink coffee and take care of the things that have to be done. I dont want to answer the phone or the door. I dread my husband coming home because he is going to want me to be happy and I'm just not. And that makes me mad so I snap at him and we fight. I dont know what to do .
Posted 8/5/2008 2:47 PM (GMT 0)

Rachel,

I am so sorry you are still feeling so down and I am trying to remember if you are seeing a therapist. It feels to me like you have to many things going on to try to get through this depression by yourself.  Please look into therapy.

Did you try the MoodGYM, CBT online site...........it is free and people that cannot afford a therapist for whatever reason have found this to be very helpful.  Here is the link for you:  http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

Remember you will do best by setting small goals and taking babysteps to overcome your depression,  it takes patience and if you are like many of us it is hard to be patient but I believe in you and will continue to pray for you.

Hugs
Kitt

Posted 8/5/2008 3:10 PM (GMT 0)
Rachel, I want you to visualize how you would like to be an explain it to me.

How do you want you life to go? I want to hear every juicy detail
Posted 8/5/2008 5:21 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Kitt, I will visit this site.

Peacesoul,
I will have to get back to you on that one. I am so exahsted right now I cant even imagine a future at all. I will write that later. It is something I need to think about.
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