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Anyone with Borderline Personality Disorder?

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Posted 9/4/2008 10:04 AM (GMT 0)
Hello everyone. I wonder if any of you have a family member with Borderline Personality Disorder. My youngest daughter has been diagnosed with this a few years ago , along with Dissociative Identity Disorder( formely known as multiple personality disorder) and PTSD.
Now, my other daughter and I also have PTSD, depression and anxiety disorder among other physical illnessess... but she is the only one with the BPD and DID. It has been extremely difficult to live with . When she was taking her meds and seeing a counselor she was somewhat "contained' but at 16 she decided that WE were all the crazy ones and that she was just fine ... so stopped everything. It has been hell . She has constant mood swings... extreme rages and outbursts. Has thrown scissors at me...tried to push me down the stairs.... has lied , stolen from her sister and I , fabricates all sorts of stories that arent true. I am at wits end.... am soooo, sooo tired and weary. Whenever I don't agree to do something for her, she threatens to not let me see my baby grandaughter ever again. It has become very difficult to be around her because there is nothing I can do or don't do that is right in her mind. I am a terrible mother and grandmother. As a child , the therapist had told me to hold her through her rages... which I would do. She was so incredibely strong... I have scratches scars all over my arms and hands from those episodes. Following her outburst she would just turn her head into my shoulder and cry , sob . She was so little and so vulnerable.She came by all these wonderful disorders as a result of her extreme sexual and emotional abuse by her father... coupled with the fact that we had to leave very quickly with the clothes on our backs and one little suitcase following the murder of her half brother. Our family was very close... and so we lost everything and everyone in one swell swoop. It has affected her beyond words.
I have a terrible time lately trying to figure out if I'm seeing Borderline , Dissociative or PTSD behaviour. She was diagnosed with 12 different alters , which were very clear and distinct from one another. By the time she was 16, her alters had integrated very well... and she seemed to be more in control. But since she has stopped her meds and counselling... she has gotten progressively worse.
I am just wondering if anyone else in this forum , had any experience with a Borderline. I know my father was one as well. It is sooo hard to deal with and I am plain worn out...and soooo very sad.
Mary
Posted 9/4/2008 2:12 PM (GMT 0)
(((MARY))) I am so sorry you are having to deal with this additional stressor. I have a 28 year old daughter who has some issue going on, but I don't have a name for it. When she was little she would get really really mad and I would send her to her room. She would go into the room and even allow me to shut the door, but she would be in there kicking walls, screaming etc. Then about 15 minutes later she would come out and say she would be a good girl now and would be calm as could be. She was also very depressed at times.

Now as an adult I have literally quit speaking to her because she continually crosses the boundaries when speaking to me and my husband. She gets angry and screams "f" you to me or I f'g hate you etc. We had continually reached out to help her as she is a single mom with her son. For almost 4 1/2 years we took her son everyother weekend just so she could get a break. But she would continually take advantage of this gift, blame his bad behaviour on us (she screams at him alot, so naturally he screams back at her), or were continually telling us we couldn't do this with him or don't do that. When he was with her he was continually misbehaving, but when he was with us, his great-grandparents, even his babysitter he was good as gold, not one problem. But with her he was really bad. But of course it was everyone else's fault not hers. And she would try to use her son as a tool against us.

I believe my daughter has some mental health issues and have tried to gently talk to her about it, but she becomes more angry and defensive. So as sad as it is, because of her constant angry and belligerent behavior I have had to step back out of her and my grandson's life. I had to do that for my own peace and sanity. That situation caused me so much anxiety and stress, it took seeing a therapist to help me see it was okay to do this. As you can imagine as a mother this caused me to feel alot of guilt.

What I am trying to say Mary is that sometimes we have to step back. Yes these are are children, but we do not have to stand idly by while they continually abuse us or disrepect us. Between my Crohns, my anxiety, my age, I just can't live like that anymore, and I personally won't. I hope this helps some. Good luck to you. I will keep you in my prayers.

God Bless,
Gail *Nanners*
Posted 9/4/2008 2:55 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Mary,
First of all hugs to you. I have a friend that lives out east who has this dx and is on medication. The trick is to make sure they take their meds and don't stop.
Of course that is easier said then done ! My friend does take her meds and when she went off her med she went into a deep depression and hurt herself. She spent weeks in the hospital on a ventilaor and then into a special home where she was not alone.
Disturbances suffered by those with borderline personality disorder are wide-ranging. The general profile of the disorder typically includes a pervasive instability in mood extreme "black and white" thinking, or splitting dissociation. These disturbances have a pervasive negative impact on many or all of the psychosocial facets of life. This includes the inability to maintain relationships in work, home, and social settings.
My friend is very manipulative and will cry wolf saying she is in terrible shape and then later admit she was just seeking attention. In the case of my friend she played me like a violin until I finally figured out her stories of dire straights were not matching.

I visited her once and we had a good time but she is very quick to change moods. She would easily become upset if things did not go smoothly.

I have stopped feeding her need to get attention from the stories she would tell. After she admits she is not in trouble but just wanted attention she always emails me asking me to forgive her.

There is not a lot to forgive as this is a serious disorder but I do hold her accountable for her lies when looking for attention.

BPD does not go away. It is sad that people have to go through life with this mental disorder but with meds it can be controlled.

Now sweet Mary you want me to tell you how to get your daughter to take her meds.

I don't have the answer sad to say. This disorder due to the many facets is very difficult to keep the person compliant.

You have my love and support.
Hugs
Kitt
Posted 9/4/2008 6:31 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Kitt... of course I don't want you to tell me how to get my daughter to take her meds.... She is 18 now and I can't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do... When she stopped taking her meds and stopped couselling at 16, both the counselor and I (and her sister) begged her to stay on a little longer. We all felt she had made some progress and that she would really regress without it. She absolutely refused... told us all that WE had the problem not her and that she was just fine. The counselor and I had a good talk afterwards, and she told me that she would have to hit rock bottom before she realized ( and maybe not even then) that she was ill and needed this treatment. She also told me that it is at this point in their lives... ie teenage years... that many,many kids go off their treatment plans. It is unfortunate and heartbreaking but there is nothing I can do regarding her meds or counseling.
I posted because I am so frustrated and sad about losing her, as I feel I am doing. Our family is slowly being destroyed ...after all that sacrifice and hard , heart-wrenching work.
I just wondered if anyone else in this forum was experiencing the same thing and how they deal with the day to day challenges of BPD. I don't want to give up on my daughter... but I need constructive advice , and support... the knowledge that there may someone here who understands and GETS it. I thought we could support each other.

Nanners.... thank you sooo much for responding to my post. I am so sorry that you can't be part of your daughter's life anymore... and that you cannot see your grandson. It breaks my heart. Lately this has been breaking my heart over and over again. I've tried soooo hard and nothing I do seems to be the right thing. It is causing a lot of tears and anxiety/depression. I am so consumed with it all that I can't seem to think about anything else except trying to "fix" the problem . I feel such a sense of loss. and so much guilt about maybe not getting her the right kind of help or not conveying to her how important her meds and counseling is... but that is the nature of the disorder isn't it.
I am very proud of her because of the way she seems to be handling motherhood at this point. My grandaughter is healthy and happy (always) so I know my daughter is doind a good job in that regard. My fear is that if I pull away from her because of her behaviour towards myself and her sister... I will make her worse... this disorder is rooted in a fear of abandonment ... so wouldn't I be doing exaclty that... proving to her that she is worthless , etc... I am so torn!

Dear Kitt and Nanners... thank you for letting me vent.. and for your support. It means the world to me... I think I would fall apart without this forum. (family)
Blessings
Mary
Posted 9/4/2008 7:13 PM (GMT 0)
I'm also a retired RN, Marie-Claire, and I've worked with people with BPD both as patients and as co-workers. I always think of them as wearing a "kick me" sign on their backs, and then on the front of their t-shirt it says "I'll kill you, M-F!" The emotional swings I've seen have been severe. It also seems like some of them have put themselves in positions to be victimized, then been enraged because the world didn't stop turning to meet their needs. Very frustrating, and I sympathize totally with you. It has to be a living hell to see your own child going through this.
I can tell you that I've seen some who improved greatly with CBT, but of course this can't help until and unless your daughter realizes she needs help. At this point, I can only send you big cyber ((((((hugs)))).
Posted 9/4/2008 8:50 PM (GMT 0)
I am sorry, I was kidding you as I had written a book and at the end I did not really have a great answer for you. It is my nurse humor and it gets me into trouble sometimes so please don't take offense. If we were talking in person you would have heard the verbal cues that I was just kidding you. I hope we would have been having a cup of something while we visited in person.
I am here to support you always and would never be disrespectful. You are family and that makes your children famiily too.
I know my friend is living in an apartment now but she has someone come every week and she has to do what they say, the house must be clean and proof that she is able to continue living ok without someone to be with her. If not she will have to go back to the gruop home.
I sometimes think she would be less lonely in the group home and therefore have less of a tendency to make up storie to obtain attention.
I know as a Mother you are heartbroken as you all have been through more then anyone should have to experience. I will offer prayers and send big hugs to help you continue to do what you can. Remember you are a great Mother. You have come a long ways and lost a lot, be kind to yourself too. ((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))
Love
Kitt
Posted 9/4/2008 9:25 PM (GMT 0)
Dear dear Kitt. My dear friend whom I love and appreciate beyond words... I took no offence... honey there isn't an offensive bone in your body IMHO. You are always so careful and gentle with all of us and have been so good to me... not for a minute did I think that remark was offensive.... not for a second!
You are so dear to me ... you always take time to answer my/our posts even though there is so much going on in your life as well. You're earning your WINGS dear one.
I am really worried about our Lyn.... I have emailed her a couple of times... she answers , offers ME support .... but doesn't tell me how she is doing. I've re-read old posts and am not sure what is happening with her at this time. Could you email me and let me know how she is doing. When I pray for someone I like to be specific... and if you are talking to her by phone , could you let her know I am thinking about her and keeping her in my prayers...
How is your hubby dear Kitt.... is he past eating lime jello 24/7. I remember when I'd been NPO for the longest time with my crohns... in the hospital on nothing but broth... I was finally allowed to eat plain pasta... well I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. ! HA! Thought it was the best thing I'd ever eaten in my life!LOL.
Give him my best wishes.... now you take good care of YOURSELF ! We nurses are really good at dishing out advice but not following it ourselves! Once a nurse always a nurse!
My love and prayers to you dear Kitt.
Mary
Posted 9/4/2008 11:37 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Mary, Lyn's Fibro is kicking up a storm and the Lyrica is causing her some brain fog. Her Crohns is not behaving either. I think she is just in need of a lot of rest right now.
She sent me an email and said she would try to get on the site tomorrow. She is the best and how I wish I could be with her and help her out.
My hubby is better every day but my sister is not doing well and I think she is having the fluid in her abdomen pulled off tommorow.
Thank for the kind words and email me any time you like. I support you and love you. The members of HW are my family as I have very little family and if I lose my sister that will leave me with no sister to visit in North Dakota.
Hugs and love
Kitt
Posted 9/5/2008 12:25 AM (GMT 0)
Marie - I have no experience with that disorder but I just wanted to offer you support and my initial thoughts.
Is this the same daughter you recently posted was pregnant and was deciding what to do? If so, could the hormones be making her psych issues flare? Either way you did say she already has a child. I've done some social service and criminal justice work and nothing seems to make someone seek help faster than the thought of harming their children.
Is she married? Is there another friend that she trusts other than you? Maybe if someone can explain to her that if she does have a mental illness (since she thinks she doesn't) that if she leaves it left untreated she will realize that she does too late. By then she may say some horrable hurtful things to her child or worse, physically harm him or her. Since she herself has been abused she will probably realize this is something she doesn't want, or just get SUPER ANGRY at the suggestion, cut that person off (but still consider it). Also, the idea that if her disease gets out of control someone could report her to social services and she could lose custody. Obviously that is a super super worst case scenario. But maybe someone can reminder her that she is no longer getting treatment for herself, or for you or for her sister, but rather for her child that relies on her for everything!
Nanners - I guess this advice could help you too.
Sadly though, many don't admit they hit rock bottom until child protective is at their door.
Posted 9/5/2008 8:29 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you Fitzy for your reply.... Yes this is the same daughter. She underwent surgery today. Her pregnancy ended up being ectopic... I worry that this loss , the hormones, the stress of caring for her little one will set her back . I am bracing myself for another storm.
I wil say that when she first got pregnant with her first I worried a lot about what sort of mom she would be. I held some hope because of watching her with younger children over the years... she was a rhythmic gymnastics assistant coach and was just wonderful with these little ones. No matter how awful her day or week had been... every thing just stopped the minute she walked into the gym and started coaching. She was the same with the neighborhood children... they all adored her.... She always, always seemed to be able to hold herself together whenever there were smaller children around. I've been watching her carefully with her own little girl and I must say I am quite relieved . This beautiful little thing came into the world smiling and has been smiling and laughing ever since. She is healthy and happy... I've seen my daughter interact with her first hand and she is marvelous with her. I keep my eyes open for any signs of things not being quite right... especially if she's been up all night with the baby or is not feeling well... but so far so good.
I"M the one who has always gotten the brunt of things...and this continues to be so. She knows I think that I will love her no matter what so lets it all out.
I know that I have to start setting healthier bounderies with her... and have joined a support group for parents of BPD children, young and older. It is helping. And there is always the wonderful support I get with my HW family... couldn't make it without you.
I know if worse came to worse, my oldest daughter would take her niece if her sister couldn't care for her anymore. Between the two of us , we would manage.
thank you for your caring and support.
Love and prayers
Mary
Posted 9/6/2008 4:27 AM (GMT 0)
Mary,

I don't have any experience with BPD, but I am sending you lots of loving hugs, my friend. You must be hurting so for your daughter and yourself, and feeling helpless, which will surely get your own anxiety roaring.

I'm glad you've found the BPD support group and can talk with other parents in the same situation.

Love and prayers,
percycat
Posted 9/6/2008 4:54 PM (GMT 0)
Mary,
You know how very sad I am that things have happenned in this (and your daughter) You know you can email me anytime. I thank you for you caring enough to be sharing emails in this time. I hope the rift is over. Go in peace sweet MC
Bless, I have info on BPD but do wish to share at HW....
Love,Meg
Posted 9/6/2008 5:43 PM (GMT 0)
You know Mary I thought of one other thing. You know as mom's we tend to have alot of guilt when things go wrongs with our kids. There is nothing we can do to turn off this guilt which is why these situations become so much harder on us. But.....you need to remember that your daughter is now an adult and responsible for her own choices now. I know this is difficult for you, but sometimes we have to back off and as difficult as it is we have to let them find out on their own what is right and wrong. This is something that I am learning thru my therapy, that I have to let go, and for you and I with faith, let God take care of her. Sometimes as difficult as it is we have to let them fall. We can be there and let them know we love them, but now that they are adults we just have to back off.
I actually just spoke to this daughter this past Tuesday. She called to let me know that she had put me down as a emergency contact for my grandsons school records. He just started kindergarden this past week. Although we didn't speak long, I did hear a few things that have helped me to see that maybe my stepping back for awhile was the right thing. She had a little crisis this week (she lost a longtime daycare provider), but she was able to work thru this crisis on her own and find an answer on her own. Its baby steps but it is a step in the right direction. And this alone is giving me hope that one day we can try again. The best part of the phone call was she said she loved me and I was able to tell her I love her too.
I hope my sharing of my experience is of some help to you. (((HUGS)))
Posted 9/6/2008 7:02 PM (GMT 0)
Nanners... you have no idea HOW MUCH help it is to me. Knowing there is someone here is really gets it is such a comfort. I wouldn't wish this disorder or having someone they love with it.... on my worst enemy... it is heartbreaking and exhausting. I am sorry that you are experiencing this with your daughter. Wish things were different... but I am grateful, eternally grateful, that you are here dear Nanners... I feel I have an ally! I have pulled away somewhat also... am trying to "let go" , set healthier bounderies now that she is an adult. I have to tell myself that she isn't a little girl anymore... but because of our history , it is sooo hard to stop the "I have to protect you mode". I feel she is still so vulneralbe, still only 18 ... and I love her so much. But I am trying.
She came over yesterday... sat on my knee, put her head on my shoulder and said "I just needed to see my mama." I held her for a while told her I loved her... and then she left. Her "partner" is home ... so I am letting him take care of her following her ectopic ? surgery. She has lost the baby in any case... was about 11 weeks pregnant. She told me it was an ectopic pregnancy and that she was having the surgery on Thursday. When I looked at her tummy yesterday... I saw no dressing... and ectopic is always done via laparoscopy. She said this was done vaginally So I suspecting that she may have through with the abortion after all.
I hate all the lies.... but I didn't bring up the sugject again. I figured whats done is done... and I just have to watch her for post-partum depression or worsening of her BP or DID symptoms. Here I am coming to the rescue again aren't I... I just want to make sure my grandaughter is ok. As long as I see that she is happy and thriving... I will try not to worry about it too much!
Love you lots.
You are in my thoughts and prayers... along with your daughter and grandson.
Mary
Posted 9/7/2008 7:27 AM (GMT 0)
Sweetie,
I meant to say that I know BPD but would rather talk privately about it. Huggles,
Meg
Posted 9/8/2008 2:41 AM (GMT 0)
My sweet Meg... right now you need to take care of you.. just you... you and I can talk about the BPD when things are better for you... don't worry... it'll still be there... I' m reading everything I can about the disorder and trying to be as objective as I can... Knowledge is power.. the more I learn the better equipped I am to deal with these issues.
All these years , we concentrated on the PTSD and Dissociative Identity disorder... by the time we got around to addressing some of the BPD issues , she refused to go back to therapy and went off her meds.
But I am learning , hurting... and learning to get over it.. with Kitt and EVERYONE's support. I feel safe here! And always comforted no matter how badly things get.. I know that I will be ok in the long run because of my HW family...
Blessings to all of you... I was devasted this afternoon, but after some support I am feeling stronger and less guilt and vulnerable.
Thank you dear ones...
Love and prayers always
Mary
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