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Pit of darkness... I don't know what hit me!

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Posted 10/25/2008 7:08 PM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone...I have fallen into an abyss of darkness and I don't know how or where it came from. My anxiety seems to have lessened.... now I feel nothing at all....

No matter what the circumstances in my life... I've always, for the most part, been able to put a smile on my face, an appreciation for the beauty of life....

But for the last 2 weeks or so.... I feel no joy... nothing! like something in me has died! I have no ambition to do anything... nothing... what used to bring me pleasure... a walk in the sunshine with my girls and grandaughter... now seems like too much of an effort....

I see myself as a total failure.... This is a very dark place and I seem to have no wish to climb out of it.
 I apologize to all of you ... I am failing this wonderful family as well as my own.

I simply want to sleep but can't for the most part. I am having a terrible time concentrating to get this post written.

everyone take care of themselves....

Mary

Posted 10/25/2008 7:30 PM (GMT 0)
Mary, sweetie,

First of all, you are certainly not failing us here at HW. This is a place for caring and support, both on the giving and receiving ends, and if you need to receive right now, don't feel the least bit guilty about that. Your physical family is likely getting along fine, although I'm sure they're concerned about how you're feeling. But being part of a family, internet or biological, is about give and take - not all the one nor all the other.

I'm so sorry that you're down in that deep dark place. I've been there with my depression many, many times, but have no answers. I think when we manage to climb out, or sometimes just drift out, we so want to avoid it again that we don't consciously record how we actually did it. If I could give you a big, warm, in-the-flesh hug, I would, but since I can't, just know that I care about you and what you're going through. It's so hard when you not only feel low, but also feel grief for the lost joy and the lost ability to function that being depressed brings as well.

All I know is that these times do ebb and flow. I don't know how to make the cycle change from one to the other, but it surely does. You will have better days in the future, and you're not a failure just because you're not having them right now. Try to give your body and mind the rest they seem to want; that may help a little. And try to be patient while some old leaves are falling in your life to get ready for new buds soon to come. At least, that's my hope and prayer for you, my friend.

Love,
percycat
Posted 10/25/2008 9:17 PM (GMT 0)

Dear Mary,

This is not you, your a survivor.  Did something trigger this that you can think of? You can always find some gold in all the muddy waters.

I would like to suggest that you get to your physician for a good physical as perhaps this is a medical problem.

We all have our down times but we usually recognize them from past bumps in the road. This is new for you so please get a check up.

Love ya my friend
Kitt

Posted 10/25/2008 11:29 PM (GMT 0)

I dont know how you feel about prayer, but you are in mine. I really hope you can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Maz XX

Posted 10/25/2008 11:33 PM (GMT 0)
SWeet Mary
YOU know awhile back I too fell into such a deep and dark hole I never thought I would get out
But with the love and support of lil sis and having her ear to cry on the phone did help me
as well as ALL of you here at my HW family

PLEASE know lil sis is spot on
YOU are a survivor.......
WE are here for you .............
ALWAYS.........Love
LYN

Thoughts and prayers are with you

Posted 10/26/2008 1:34 PM (GMT 0)
Mary you've been so much help to me. You helped me. I know that abyss and you don't belong there. You are too good of a person. You're here worried about us, your girls, you're such a giving person that even in the abyss you worry about others. That's your strengthen. You care too much to be in that hole.

You are in my prayers,
Buddha
Posted 10/26/2008 3:51 PM (GMT 0)

Good Morning Mary,

It is Sunday Morning and I am saying a prayer for you now.......and lots of hugs too.

Kitt

Posted 10/26/2008 5:18 PM (GMT 0)
Mary I agree with Kitt, was there something/anything that might have triggered this? I also agree that you might want to go to the doctor and get checked out. Better safe than sorry. Please know that I love you and am praying very hard for you. Reach out to Jesus, He is our light, and He will push the darkness away.

God Bless you my friend,
Gail *Nanners*
Posted 10/26/2008 5:20 PM (GMT 0)
Hello everyone... my dear family.
I'm not doing much better I'm afraid.... Did manage to FORCE myself to go for a ride on my scooter .... a few moments by the ocean usually restores this tired old soul.... but I did not get the same relief yesterday. Came home and slept most of the day... I did get up around supper time and spent some time with my oldest daughter... didn't want to leave her alone all evening.
There is a birthday party today for a friend that is turning 50... I do NOT want to go.... I feel like such a failure and feel like I don't belong there.... the place will be full of successful people who have made something of their lives... who are contributing to society the way a person should.... I will make an appearance and wish her happy birthday... but I don't plan on staying long.... I just want to turn and run! ( if I could even do that) . I'm wondering if its time for an increase in my antidepressant. I've been on 40 mgs for about 4 years now and have managed ok... I've had relapses of depression but not like this.... This is frightening.... it is sooo dark.... so devoid of any Joy... I know God doesn't mean for me to live like this.
I will make an appointment with my doctor next week. So I will be resorting to a crutch once again to make me better... I feel like that is a failure too... My girls are holding me to this life right now. I would never dream of leaving them no matter how miserable I feel... I couldn't do that to them... but oh if they weren't here ... but not to worry ... 'that' is not a possibility .... not even a remote one!
I thank you for your prayers. ... forgive me for being this way.... I'm crying as I write this so I will leave you for now...
Posted 10/26/2008 8:13 PM (GMT 0)
Mary
My Sweet Friend
I was too in that dark hole hun
Never thinking I could get out
I became APATHETIC and for all that know me that is not me

YOu are a survivor my friend and you know
WE are all here to help you
love you
and support you thru this..............

PLZ do see a doc
BTW it is not a CRUTCH it is
NEEDED.....STAT

Luvs
God IS CARRYING YOU
"keep FOOTPRINTS in your HEART N MIND SWEETIE"
Posted 10/26/2008 8:33 PM (GMT 0)
Mary, I am praying for you, its not right that you feel like this. Maybe you have become tolerant/immune to your meds and do need to go up, even to 50mgs? i find after a few years i build up a tolerance and need to have my dosage increased.

thinking of you, it will get better.

Maz XX

Posted 10/26/2008 9:12 PM (GMT 0)
Mary,

Do make that appointment with your doctor and see what s/he has to say about all this.

And try not to feel guilty for being human and feeling as you do right now. Feelings of depression are not failings, they're nothing to be ashamed of, and it's hard not to let grief for how you used to feel eat into your abilities to get through the day. I'm sure your friend would be very disappointed not to share her special day with you, regardless of whether you're a prince or a pauper. If she's a true friend, such things won't matter to her at all; try not to fret about what anyone else at the party thinks of you - you're there to celebrate her birthday and your friendship with her! Knowing you as I do here, I'll bet she treasures you like gold!

Love,
percycat
Posted 10/26/2008 11:02 PM (GMT 0)

Sweet Mama Mary,

I know you are going through a great deal of turmoil and stress right now. Enough to bring down anyone..so please don't feel you are "letting" anyone down. No way, never. You've helped pull me out of a few dark places and you know that. You are not only a survivor, you are an inspiration. Please, please know you are always in my prayers and not far from my thoughts.

This will pass..it has in the past and it will again. Allow yourself 30 minutes a day to wallow and then get out there and do what makes you feel alive. As they say "fake it till you make it". You are a tough cookie and you will get through this. Don't give in to the negative thoughts..kick them in the teeth smilewinkgrin

Now I'm hoping you get the "zip" back in your zippety doo daa really soon,

Love and hugs and cream covered hot chocolates for you my dear friend.

Meg

Posted 10/27/2008 2:25 PM (GMT 0)
Mary I am so sorry you are still having a hard time. Please know that you are always in my prayers. In fact, just this morning on my way to work I said a prayer JUST for YOU. Hang in there sweetness, know we are always here for you.

Hugs,
Gail *Nanners*
Posted 10/27/2008 2:45 PM (GMT 0)

Dear Mary,

I know exactly how you feel as I felt that way when I took my early retirement due to the Depression and Anxiety.  I felt like a complete failure, did not even want to go to my retirement party because I was a loser. My selfesteem was buried somewhere with in me.

I know now that was "stinkin thinkin" but it was how I felt and I was at a loss to know what to do so I cried a lot.

You are not a loser.  You are a winner, you have won all of us over by your kind and caring posts and the love you share with all.

Perhaps you do need a bump in your meds.  I can picture you riding to the beach on your scooter................how fun.

I am praying for you to pull out of this deep hole and we are all up here at the top waiting for you.  Take our hand we will help you.

Hugs

Kitt

Posted 10/27/2008 4:17 PM (GMT 0)
Hello everyone... I love you all dearly... in fact, this family is all I have at the moment.... as far as support and mostly understanding. I try not to burden my friends or girls... it gets tiresome, although they all know that something isn't right.
I think , MAYBE, that part of my problem is that I have always been so busy, protecting my brothers and sisters... putting my two girls back together again... making sure they survived their own horrible abuses.... I've never had to time to grieve. It has always been one crisis after another... sometimes, several in one day. I've just been going around the clock for soooo many years with every body else's needs... My own hurts, have been buried deep inside for so long. I think they are starting to surface now that things are not in the " fight or flight" mode all the time. My subconscious is perhaps pushing things up to the forefront... things I'd forgotten about or haven't thought of in years... very painful things. I think that is what is happening. ... I'm finally allowing myself to grieve my losses.... all the way back to when I was 6 years old and had to walk the streets with my little sister wrapped in nothing but a big old bath towel... holding my little brother , who would have been about 4, by the hand.... afraid to go home because my father in his drunken rage had vowed to drown the baby.... my mom finding us still walking the streets at 11 pm afraid to come home.
I have always "watched" other families and wondered how I'm supposed to react to certain situations or certain everyday things .... just setting the table or sitting down to dinner was a crisis in our home... always ended up in something being thrown clear across the room " because it wasn't cooked right, or wasn't warm enough" .... by the time I left home, married an even worse abusive man, left, divorced.... I was afraid to boil water, convinced I wouldn't do it right... then came an even darker and harder time of protecting and helping my girls through THE worst abuse.
This dark pit of despair, and all that comes with it, happens to me from time to time. It lasts for a while and usually I regain my sense of balance after a few weeks or couple of months. I cry, I think, I dream, I cry some more, I sleep and sleep.... I talk to my sister for hours on the phone: although she is 6 years younger she remembers a lot too. I know I can't go around it... only through it.... grieve it .... accept it as my own... and then make something good come from it.
I'm thinking a little more cleary as you can all tell from the length of my post.... my heart still feels numb and broken.... but I think I am going to be ok....
My daughters remarked yesterday that I'd been through this before.... and that I've always come up for air ready to swim my way out. One daughter said.... mom, you've got 45 years of grief.... give yourself a break... you're my mom... and you always make it better.
I'm anxious for laughter to return to my life.... but if I have work to do sorting... that is what I must do.!
Thank you all for being here.... I check the board for responses, several times a day in fact, because I know you will have something that I need to "hear". I love you all so very much.
Posted 10/27/2008 5:01 PM (GMT 0)
Sweet Mary
I too was the worrywort and the fixer uper all my life
So I never got to have the time to grieve all the losses and things that I had gone thru

I REALLY do understand sweetie
WE are here for you

I wish we could make this better for you

Support is ALWAYS here for you as you know

Luvs
Lyn
Posted 10/27/2008 7:02 PM (GMT 0)
Mary, I'm glade your feeling a little better.
Posted 10/29/2008 4:27 AM (GMT 0)

Mama Mary,

I'm glad you are getting some "zippedy" back in your life. You know you are never a burden and we love you.

Let that grief out..it's okay to be sad and bitter sometimes..we would never judge you for that. Be as gentle with yourself as you always are with us.

Hugs, Love,

Meg

Posted 10/29/2008 11:33 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks everyone.... you all know how very much I love you.... Not doing a whole lot better. Can't sleep again... Lord, what I'd give for a good night's sleep. I wake up shaking every morning from those awful dreams....
My last few days have been very strange... I've had moments or stretches where I do feel a little better... and then , BANG! I'm lower than low... back down into the pits. At least I'm a bit more functional, but not much. My poor daughters aren't used to seeing their mother this way but they are very supportive. My youngest tends to come hug and holds me like I've done for her so many times I can keep count.... and my oldest , suddenly becomes very chatty... tries to make me laugh... has succeeded a few times. She brings me ice packs for my head and bundles me into bed... they are very sweet, which breaks my heart even more because this is not the mother I want to be or have ever been. My prior , serious depressions happened before they were born... 2 very lengthy and difficult ones in my twenties.
I wanted to sleep so badly tonite, I thought of trippling my clonazepam, or having something to drink... I'm ashamed to say I've been there, done that.... booze and pills. Took me a long time to kick that habit but the urge is very strong these days. It sure numbs the pain for a while, lets you sleep... but I know from experience what a vicious cycle it becomes. I've never admitted this to anyone . I've admitted to the addiction to pills but never to the abuse of alcohol and drugs. I'm ashamed about a lot of things lately... not feeling like I am worth a whole lot. But knowing that my girls would see all this stops me from going through with the urge.
I know 'tweeking' my meds will only get me in trouble... and my girls have never seen me drunk. I have avoided alcohol like the plague since they were born.
I haven't made that apt with my doctor yet... she just increased my clonazepam to 3 a day... one during the day if I become very anxious... and 2 at bedtime... which aren't working very well... not for sleeping anyway... the one during the day seems to help stop the shaking and the "shaking inside my body" ... don't know if that makes any sense at all.
Anway.... I love you dear family... so very , very much. I sure am a mess these days... can't even bring myself to read other posts. I think who am I to be giving advice when my own mind and heart and life are such a failure. I need to feel worthy of all of you again... .soon I hope.
Posted 10/29/2008 1:16 PM (GMT 0)

Marie-Claire you always worthy of us, every one has up and downs, sometimes those downs can big ones. Guess we only try to help each other through it and offer all the understanding and support we can give. I really hope you're feeling back to your usual self soon and its good to hear the laughter is beginning to return to your life. I hope thinks get alo better for you once the increased meds have a chance to work.

Badfish

p.s the shaking inside the body makes alot of sense.

Posted 10/29/2008 1:39 PM (GMT 0)
Sweet Mary,

Hang in there and just keep taking the day more minute or even one second at a time.

I'm so glad you've got clear reasons for staying away from the actions that you know will hurt you. I find it must easier to resist mistreating myself if I can see a clear connection to how that would be a problem for those I love.

Your theory about all the pent-up grief makes a good deal of sense. Are you able or do you feel like seeing a counselor to help you work through all this? I know that you were very committed to getting your daughters the help they needed to heal when they were young. Maybe this is something that you need help with now also.

Always remember that we love you, and it's clear that your daughters love you. You are indeed an incredibly dear and valued person to us all.

Love and hugs,
percycat
Posted 10/29/2008 1:53 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Mary,

I think Percycat has a good idea about you seeing a councellor. You have been superwoman to your kids and family for so long, I really do think it is now time that you take care of YOU. I think a med change or tweaking is definetly called for along with talking to someone. You are continually in my prayers.

Hugs,
Gail *Nanners*
Posted 10/29/2008 2:13 PM (GMT 0)
Mary I woke up twice last night with the shakes and those inner shakes yeah have had those too -- you're making sense. Your not a failure. Your a mother with two wonderful girls that right there makes you a success. Your a nurse, you haven't retired, your still taking care of people, that makes you a success. You know more about PTSD than my counselor and I'm so grateful for your advice and encouragement. You don't belong in the pit.

Hugs,
Buddha
Posted 10/29/2008 3:24 PM (GMT 0)

My Dear Sweet Mary,

First of all I am so happy that you are talking to us. It feels to me that you have been beaten down so many times in your life that you have some issues with low self esteem.  Now that is just my thoughts running wild on a motor scooter on the beach.........(HUGS)

Lets try to get that esteem up. OK?

People with low self esteem

Are typically unassertive in their behavior with others.

Are fearful of conflict with others.

Are hungry for the approval of others.  

Are fraught with irrational beliefs and have a tendency to think irrationally.

Are susceptible to all kinds of fears.

Have a tendency to become emotionally stuck and immobilized.

Are unable to affirm or to reinforce themselves positively.

Are unable to make an honest assessment of their strengths, qualities, and good points; they find it difficult to accept compliments or recognition from others.

Have poorly defined self-identities with a tendency to be chameleons in order to fit in with others.

Are insecure, anxious, and nervous when they are with others.

Often become overcome with anger about their status in life and are likely to have chronic hostility or chronic depression.

Are easily overcome with despair and depression when they experience a setback or loss in their lives.

Fulfill roles in their families of origin that are counter-productive and maladaptive. These roles carry over into their adult lives.

Are vulnerable to mental health problems and have a propensity to use addictive behavior to medicate their hurt and pain. Such addictive behavior can include alcohol, drugs, food, gambling,  shopping, smoking, workaholism, or the search for excitement, truth, wisdom, and a guru with an easy guide to the achievement of happiness. Reference: James J. Messina, Ph.D. & Constance M. Messina, Ph.D

Whoa.......this is me.  Go figure.

I have been working on  many of these issues and I do understand  looking for a guru with a magic wand.  How grand that would be. smhair

I will help you work on building your self esteem back up.  But you have to promise to love yourself first. Many warm prayers for you my dear friend.
Love
Kitt

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